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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SIL is taking the mick?

51 replies

TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:05

SIL gave birth to my niece a few weeks after Xmas. My brother and her have been having marital issues since then. SIL asked for space and my brother and my 18 year old nephew have moved in with me, the baby has stayed with her. I have no choice but to put my brother up because he cannot to afford to rent a place on the side while paying the mortgage.

Since then she has been criticising the way I run my house. For example the past 3 night's dinners have been shepherd's pie, jerk chicken with salad and corn on the cob and scampi. Apparently when she was on the phone to my nephew she was criticising me saying about the shit I feed my family Hmm, at SIL's house they live a low carb lifestyle (fair enough).

She also had an argument with my brother because I asked nephew to take DS to football on the bus because where he was going it was on the way. According to her I shouldn't use my nephew as a glorified baby sitter. Bearing in mind I have cooked and done washing for nephew for over a week now.

Brother keeps asking SIL when he can come back to the marital home, she is being really vague saying she still needs space. No one has asked me if this is ok? I'm the only one who can put them up as mum has no room and other brother lives in a uni shared house ages away.

I have since found out the SIL has been having her best friend to stay while brother has been gone, I thought she needed space ffs?

Sorry but I have 2 kids and a husband of my own, I have just gone back to work after maternity leave, suffering with depression and the fact my house is being used as a go between is really getting to me. I haven't been given one thanks yet either :(.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 23/01/2013 13:38

So the marital problems existed before the baby arrived and they were already separated before Christmas.

I don't understand why DN can't go home - would SIL be happy with this?
DB needs to find his own place (or for him and DN) now. All the time he is camping at your house, he is acting like being asked to leave is just a temporary blip, rather than a permanent situation.

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:39

And the reason I'm getting stressed about their living arrangements is I've only just gone back to work so I'm struggling, I've got depression and anxiety and finding it hard that my personal space is being invaded. I'm not sick of them as such I suppose, I think it's just me being weird iyswim?

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 23/01/2013 13:39

So she kicked him out before the baby was even born. That is kind of relevant!

CloudsAndTrees · 23/01/2013 13:40

I don't think your brother is doing anything wrong by talking to you. The poor guy needs support, surely it's ok to talk to your own sibling who is allowing you to live with them when you have marital issues?

piprabbit · 23/01/2013 13:40

I think it is quite reasonable and understandable that you want to know when you are getting your home back, not weird at all.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 23/01/2013 13:40

I feel so sorry for your Nephew.

Sad
Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:42

squeaky I do wonder all of this but brother won't talk about it much while he is here. I'm not really the best person to talk to SIL as I'm not in a great mental state myself and don't know if I will make things worse.

pip SIL wants nephew back she never asked him to leave he just took it upon himself to go. I don't know why he doesn't want to be there.

OP posts:
happynewmind · 23/01/2013 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMushroom · 23/01/2013 13:48

I think you need to tell your brother to go home. And your nephew too. Your brother has a right to go home as long as there has been no domestic violence.

She can't keep him out...he's paying for it and it's half his!

Doilooklikeatourist · 23/01/2013 14:01

I agree with MrsMushroom
He needs to take son , and go back home .
Sort it out with her .

MrsMushroom · 23/01/2013 14:09

you should put your foot down OP. As you say, you have a life and a family of your own and it's not your job to sort out DBs troubles.

I am all for heping family in a crisis...however, this is'nt a crisis. Her wanting "space" is not your concern.

If they had no home at all then I would say support them...but that's not the case.

PureQuintessence · 23/01/2013 14:24

Seems to me you only know your brothers side of the story, and have not heard her side.

If you want to help him and your niece and nephew, I suggest you try keep an open mind, and try not take sides.

I know you love your brother and he can most likely to do nothing wrong in your opinion, but imagine having such a shit marriage that you rather be a single parent to a new born, when your body has been through the mill, than have your husband around. Imagine finding life BETTER without him. Imagine what life with him is like, if her life is easier without him.

And imagine her heartache that her son is siding with dad and leaving.

And YOU are enabling all this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2013 14:33

" ... And YOU are enabling all this."
That's quite an accusation and a bit unfair, PureQuintessence. The OP is 'enabling' nothing; she is ensuring that her brother and nephew are not on the streets, something her SIL doesn't seem to be prioritising.

And however bad their marriage is, whoever is most at fault for that - well, for me it is quite telling that SIL's son preferred to move out and stay out even though his mother wants him home.

PureQuintessence · 23/01/2013 14:42

Fair enough, maybe that went a stretch too far.

But we dont really know. We dont know what op is telling us, and op is also just assuming, because her brother is not saying much.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/01/2013 14:45

YANBU to be upset, bit rich to moan about you stepping up and helping her family. If she had wanted space before the baby arrived and DB had not moved out, or subsequently barged back round and demanded access, there might well be protests that DB was being hostile and trying to dominate her.

Hopefully SIL and DB can meet on neutral ground someplace this week and talk things through.

diddl · 23/01/2013 14:55

Actually, I´m with Quint-they have got somewhere to go.

Everyone is just pussyfooting around atm.

OP wanting them out but saying nothing, brother wanting to move back but not doing it...

MummytoKatie · 23/01/2013 15:24

It sounds to me like it's a rubbish time for you to be having guests if you have just gone back to work. But what is done is done and until you can get rid you need to figure out how you can best cope with having them.

Firstly, whoever is repeating the SIL's comments tell them "Actually I find it very hurtful when you say things like that. Can you either point out to SIL that this situation of not of my making and I'm just trying to help out or if you don't want to do that then please just spare my feelings by not passing such things on."

Also you need to start figuring out ways of making their presence in the house more of an asset and less of a liability. Can you agree that they will cook half the time? Is the nephew at sixth form? If so is he home first? If you put a load of washing on the timer before you left for work would he hang it up when he got back? Is your db good at DIY? Could you ask him to fix the leaky tap that your dh has been promising to get to for the last six months. (Guess what we have in our sink!)

littlewhitebag · 23/01/2013 15:55

You need to take charge of this situation. You have given DB and DN a roof over their heads for a period but enough is enough.

Your DB and SIL need to sit down and discuss what they are going to do. These early days are important for bonding and DB should be involved in the care of the child. Does he visit to see the baby?

If SIL is not happy about the food you provide remind her that they can return to their home any time and she can feed them to her requirements. While they are in your home they will eat what you very kindly prepare for them.
Put a time limit on how long you are prepared to have them around and tell them they have until then to resolve the situation.

Good luck.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 23/01/2013 16:08

Whoever is relaying information about what goes on at your house to your SIL, then relays SIL's opinion of this to you, is a shit-stirrer.

If your SIL prefers to go it alone with a newborn baby, rather than have the support, any support, from her husband, then I'm going to stick my neck out and suggest that whatever's gone wrong is not going to be fixed any time soon so your brother needs to be looking for alternative long term accommodation.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 23/01/2013 16:13

I've not had one thanks yet either

Not once, after putting them up and feeding them since 8th Jan?? Disgraceful.

Are you surprised your SIL wanted him out? He sounds like an ungrateful knob,

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/01/2013 18:32

PureQuintessence

I think that the DN has left with the DB quite telling.

foslady · 23/01/2013 18:36

Give them both e time limit - she could still br 'needing space' in 5 years time.....

Astelia · 23/01/2013 18:42

Wow SIL has a cheek. She throws out her DS, you take him in and she criticises you? I would point this out. She may have just had a baby but it doesn't mean you have to tiptoe around her.

Tell DN to sort out his own food if yours isn't good enough. Or if he wants to eat it, not to go blabbing to his mum.

Astelia · 23/01/2013 18:44

Sorry- just seen she didn't kick him out. Typed too slow.

ruthie2468 · 23/01/2013 19:15

OP, I think you are being really unfair. It sounds like your brother didn't want the baby and made that clear to your SIL. How do you think she felt to be carrying his child, which he didn't want? Pretty shit, I'd imagine. You are full of blame for her but how about thinking how your brother has contributed to / caused this situation.

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