AIBU to be upset that DH doesn't want me to go back to work? :(

[doubleshotlatte]

Sorry if this is a bit confused and rambling, I'm too depressed to be coherent and my brain's stopped working after long debates with DH.

So I'd decided to retrain and go back to work this year after 5 years away. Work is TV. Being in a technical/creative role I need to catch up. I was going to pay for the training with my royalties from past work (and the rest with a bursary). Then I would try for a fairly stable, senior job, i.e. not involving travel or late hours (well not too many). Pay would have been decent enough but nowhere close to DH's. But for the 5 days of the course I'd need childcare so I needed to clear it with DH. And he basically said No.

Obviously not in so many words. But he threw enough spanners in the works, asked enough questions to make it impossible for me. In points:
(1) the course is too expensive and a job is not guaranteed without experience
(2) who will pick up/drop off the kids if I have to work in Central London (DH will not, he drives/commutes out of town daily and says the school drop off take a huge chunk of his time)
(3) I had a hard enough time finding work before kids
(4) I'll find it hard balancing work and kids
(5) and besides we had decided that I would be a SAHM doing blogging, that too once a week

After much debate, he conceded I could try for a very local, 2 times a week non-taxing job like temping or admin or shop asst. With all due respect to these jobs, I have 17 years of experience, 2 degrees and expensive training, not to mention bags of talent (so I'm told). Surely I can find better paid/more satisfying work?

And why do I want to work? Because I need the creative outlet, am good at it, I miss it and finally I really need the economic independence. I hate having to beg for/justify every penny I spend just because I didn't earn it.

We have 2 DCs about to turn 5 and 2 next month. One in reception, another just started day nursery 2 mornings/wk.

Oh doubleshotlatte. I work in telly too, and you're right, you DO need to operate tapless HD cameras etc, give me a PM if you want to chat.

Your husband has NO right to tell you you can/can't work.. you're an adult!

@OcotoAlert lol and thanks ("British womanly luck" very cute!! )

@INeedThatForkOff that's me I'm afraid, grinning in the face of terror, probably why things got so bad. In that way I do try to emulate the British, stiff upper lip :)

@Cory and @MrsTerryPratchett - my family's Indian via da States but you've got me thinking now about his expectations regarding traditional family roles, sadly I didn't get that memo! You're right about a mumsnet reality check. I see why I stayed away from my Mum and mumsnet for a year. Perhaps I was worried my disillusion will be exposed.

OK I gotta clock off now and get to the evening's chores. But thanks everyone for helping me decide a few things:

(a) I will get Mum over here for the summer and try to do a course then (the one in the OP is filled up now)
(b) I will, like photographelady suggested see if I can get training in other maybe P/T jobs
(c) I'll start talking to some childminders as that's the one childcare option I haven't explored

Incidentally, being a pretty thorough detail-freak myself I did draw up a whole excel spreadsheet of Options/Schedule/costs before I discussed the whole training/jobhunt plan with DH. So I did have answers to his questions. But they weren't acceptable because there cannot be any room for a slip-up him pitching in to help in any scenario. Hell, even I can't draft such a foolproof plan

I think the many many red flags in your OP have been pointed out in full by now but I felt compelled to add my first LTB.

Seriously. Please please start taking steps to regain control of your life from this man.

Oh OP, this is really the start of something unpleasant. In my far too extensive experience of controlling men, it does NOT work to put your foot down with a passive aggressive type, they will just find even subtler ways of undermining you.
Do not expect his co-operation, do all the research on your own and keep him in the dark as much as possible. I realise that this sounds completely counter-productive at this stage, but the more information you can gather on your own without him bringing you down at every turn, the stronger you will (hopefully) feel.
Get your family involved as much as possible. Your need to do this. If you can present him with a fait accompli, preferably with witnesses, I would guess that's your best chance.
I know what Im saying sounds OTT, but be prepared for him to be obstructive as he can. Controlling types cannot stand their OH having any sort of autonomy, so IMO you are going to have a battle on your hands.

I havent read the whole thread but has it been revealed why he cant take annual leave to cover it?

I make dp take annual leave to cover me going to gigs! (he works nights)

Haven't read the entire thread so apologies if this has been said - marriage is a partnership and as such you should (IMO) facilitate each others hopes, desires and dreams. You don't squash each others! Of course there are practical things to go through but when my DH wanted to go back to uni (I pay in tax more than he earns in a year) 200 miles away and we had a 2 yr old at home, with me working full time, when the prospects of better money afterwards were small and the only reason to do it was for his self esteem (he buggered it up first time round and spent 15 years regretting it) I didn't stop him - I supported him, we worked it out and he did it (and I paid his fees!). 2 years on he got a first and massive self esteem boost. Yes, it was horrific at times and was very hard for us as a couple and a family BUT it was his dream so I made it happen. And I am really glad I did.

At the risk of outing me - my bosses advice whenever anyone gets married is the following "happy wife = happy life".

You are his equal, he has no right to tell you what to do, no right to make you feel small and no right to be your controller.

OP

I am single parent... no family support and ex nowhere to be seen

I juggled work and mummy duties for 7yrs... shit happened and it was dealt with as it happened. You can not cover it all in a spreadsheet...

Are you saying though that there were options open to you that meant day to day there was no need for your DH to help?
If so then it is do able - you just need to lower your expectations - ie... have none regarding your DH

Do the course

Get a good job

Build up an exit fund

You are going to need it

Definitely get your mum over for the summer. You can bet that - if you get as far as booking the course - a problem will appear which will prevent you actually doing it, when the time comes, if you rely on dh for anything.

Men like this are quite capable of fabricating illness in themselves - or more likely their children - in order to stopp the Surrendered Wife doing something of which they disapprove. If your mum's over, then she can deal with illness/last minute meeting 200 miles away which can't be missed etc.

Now ring your mum, and get yourself booked on the course.

Financial abuse. Using his monetary clout to keep you under his thumb. I suggest you start seeing a counsellor, in all honesty, because while you aren't being hit, he is trying to take your ability to live your own life from you. And it's not acceptable.

Get your mum over, yes. Your exit strategy will depend on your having support on hand to complete that course. And I'm afraid the marriage is doomed now, if you see him in this way, and he treats you with such contempt. You need to build up your earning potential again and then either renegotiate the relationship from a position of greater independence, if that's what you decide to do, or leave. Have to say the latter would be my preference. Life is too short for what you describe. There are lovely men out there who won't behave this way - and being alone isn't so bad, either.

Wanting to lend my support and strength to you. I applaud OxfordBags and diddl like a starved seal. MadameO too knows so much, as extreme as her post may appear to be, I doubt it'll end up being too far off the mark.

If you prepare for the hardest war, you will win every battle, and this is sadly what your life will become for you to get what's you're right to expect. We'll be with you every step of the way.

Is your H white British btw?

I meant to say too, how sorry I am that you've come to realise what kind of situation you're in.

You're not alone in this though.

Its a one week course - do you not have friends who could help you for the week? I would help a friend with a couple of pick ups if they had a one off course to attend.

However making a "senior" job work may require more comprehensive childcare than you currently have - eg nanny (or au pair if you live walking distance to school / nursery) to cover school runs, when they are ill, school holidays etc. However I guess no need to cross this bridge until you get a job!

I have every sympathy with you OP and others in your position.

I think there are two separate issues here. The financial control especially how the OP feels about asking for money and the work situation.

What I do find hard to understand is how these situations arise. Do couples not discuss this before having dc. For me the answer was easy, and no way was I ever going to work post dc. However, we also decided that what was mine was mine and what was his was mine, lol so no financial arguments.

I know others really need to work for their sanity, but why does the partner not know how the other feels? Also, surely finances should be discussed and agreed upon either before pregnancy or certainly during.

I really don't understand, certainly not judging.

A decent childminder would cover school runs. There are several who take kids to the preschool my son attends, and I'd have absolutely no hesitation in using one, because they're recommended highly by the preschool and other mums, and the kids they care for are great.

"For me the answer was easy, and no way was I ever going to work post dc. However, we also decided that what was mine was mine and what was his was mine, lol so no financial arguments."

Sorry, did you mean to say NOT work post DC? Because otherwise, a situation where what's yours was yours and his his would result in your being penniness, no? Plus him having free childcare and housekeeper on tap, without any contributions required at all.

Whilst i think you should. be able to discuss this with your dh so that you are both happy and fulfilled i just wanted to ask: why doesn't he let you do the shopping and cooking when you a sahm? Isn't that part of the job description? And the ironing?

Op, there are men aplenty who love to resign from all domestic famillial responsibility. And worse, there are women who actively encourage it. There are women here on MN who almost brag that they do everyhting at home and with the DC so their DH can earn the brass.

But here's the thing. What woman wants to be married to a man who absents himself from family responsibility?

Sure, sometimes it makes no sense to share out responsibilities equally, just for the sake of it, but no sharing at all? I don't think so. No matter how taxing DH's job is (and it is) and no matter how much he earns (and it's hell of a lot), I could not find him remotely attractive if he simply assumed that I would deal with everyhting pertaining to hearth, home and children.

@perfectstorm lots of good ideas there, and I like the general tone of your responses, very elegant and self-sufficient. One day I will sound like that too :)

pendipity lol, thou art surely kidding

I'd do the ironing, sure, if he'll watch the kids/put the baby to sleep/put the wash on etc so I have the TIME to do it.

If there're women out there who manage it all, and more, with DC, without help from hubby, well great! They're probably not doing anything else much like my MIL who has no inner life and no hobbies to the point of being a robot. I'm quite happy to fail in any such domestic goddess competition, thank you

Perfectstorm.

I meant that what I had was /is mine and what dh earns is also mine. We decided I would manage money, but its all one pot and as long as bills are paid nobody feels they need to ask. No I don't work I'm a sahm, purely by choice though, no dictatorship.
It was to make the point of a couple agreeing on how finances are managed.
However, after reading all the thread I realise that in this mans case and others like this, they probably move the goal posts or decide for themselves.
So my question above was a bit silly really. I must start reading all of the thread before commenting.

Hi there Double I do really feel for you. I have been in a controlling relationship (luckily without kids) and it's so hard - the hardest thing is you blame yourself. I laugh now when I remember how I used to spend my whole time saying 'you're amazing' and him telling me 'you're shit' when actually I was and am miles better than he ever had the potential to be (oh and really shy about it too ). I'm not sure if you want to introduce this into your home right now but an experienced au-pair could be a flexible/cost-effective way to cover any late evenings etc? I have a friend who works in TV with 3 kids and this seems to work for her. Obv would need to have very good childcare experience!

Double, are you really taking it seriously, what all these posters are telling you?

Because you sound a bit like you're in some cartoon jokey la-la land where you can make some decision about your mum coming for a visit while you merrily take your course, and suddenly your marriage and DH will be all hunky-dory again.

LISTEN to what people are saying to you. This guy is an abuser, he will wear you down, stand in your way, do whatever it takes to undermine you (even to spite himself) just to keep you under his thumb.

Please start making some serious plans, contact Women's Aid, dig yourself out of this pit of lack of self-esteem you have.

Other husbands and families normal ones do not operate this way. You've landed a first class grade A wanker as your life partner and you know it. The sooner you admit it to yourself the better off you'll be.

If you leave soon, maybe your childen can be saved from growing up to be abusers (sons) or ones who will be abused (daughters) the same way.

for you.

Notnyproblem - i see what you are saying but do you not think she has enough of being treated badly by her husband with out you piling in with sonethig that frankly sounds rude and slightly bullying.

I think it is sinking in for her how bad the situation may be, it sounds to me like she is really listening and thanking posters for helping her to see other peoples marriages aren't like hers.

She needs kindness, not being told she isnt taking it seriously.

And whilst he sounds like a knob, getting out ia never going to be easy for anyone so please dont make her feel any worse than she already does, her self eateem is likely to be low enough.