AIBU to be upset that DH doesn't want me to go back to work? :(

[doubleshotlatte]

Sorry if this is a bit confused and rambling, I'm too depressed to be coherent and my brain's stopped working after long debates with DH.

So I'd decided to retrain and go back to work this year after 5 years away. Work is TV. Being in a technical/creative role I need to catch up. I was going to pay for the training with my royalties from past work (and the rest with a bursary). Then I would try for a fairly stable, senior job, i.e. not involving travel or late hours (well not too many). Pay would have been decent enough but nowhere close to DH's. But for the 5 days of the course I'd need childcare so I needed to clear it with DH. And he basically said No.

Obviously not in so many words. But he threw enough spanners in the works, asked enough questions to make it impossible for me. In points:
(1) the course is too expensive and a job is not guaranteed without experience
(2) who will pick up/drop off the kids if I have to work in Central London (DH will not, he drives/commutes out of town daily and says the school drop off take a huge chunk of his time)
(3) I had a hard enough time finding work before kids
(4) I'll find it hard balancing work and kids
(5) and besides we had decided that I would be a SAHM doing blogging, that too once a week

After much debate, he conceded I could try for a very local, 2 times a week non-taxing job like temping or admin or shop asst. With all due respect to these jobs, I have 17 years of experience, 2 degrees and expensive training, not to mention bags of talent (so I'm told). Surely I can find better paid/more satisfying work?

And why do I want to work? Because I need the creative outlet, am good at it, I miss it and finally I really need the economic independence. I hate having to beg for/justify every penny I spend just because I didn't earn it.

We have 2 DCs about to turn 5 and 2 next month. One in reception, another just started day nursery 2 mornings/wk.

[doubleshotlatte]

@mumsyblouse "How are you going to get back to being the nice, friendly (and having friends), career-oriented, fun-loving mum who sticks up for themselves and has lots of confidence, like you were before your husband systematically disempowered you"

Thanks for putting it so kindly :) . I kick myself daily for becoming this doormat. But its like cory said, it is an illness and creeps up on you gradually.

I think his sense of superiority, already nurtured by his mum to bloating, blossomed because I'm not British and didn't know how things are done here. So it was easy for him to foster a sense of uncertainty and failure in me. TBH I was a bit surprised at how things are done in his family because I believe this to be a nation of strong, empowered women (and now I'm hearing from some of them ) so the idea of being in deference to a man because he must be the wage-earner and even if not, to be expected to do all the menial tasks and childcare, it all felt so 1950s. Even my mum never had to do that, her MIL did all the childcare, and my Dad was blissfully ok with Mum never doing a spot of housework all her working life!!

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Yeah we are definitely not all like that!

[doubleshotlatte]

@MrsTerrypratchett oh my! you hit upon the exact thing my Mum herself proposed!! My parents (even my bro) have offered to pay for it too. But like an idiot I kind of blew her off, worried that DH may not like it and may not "allow" it even then :o what is wrong with me?

I'm gonna call Mom right away and tell her to plan her visit, there's another course in summer.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Where are you from op? Is it a country where he would expect women to fulfil a certain role (even though your family wasn't like that).

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Yes, get Mum on the case... If she's anything like mine, and she sounds it, she will be great for this.

Some men marry women from overseas because they WANT a woman who is wrong-footed and slightly dependent. Do you come from a more traditional culture? Was he expecting a woman more like a 1950's housewife?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Great minds, fuckadoodle.

[teenagersmother]

If you do decide to do the course , it may be worth ringing around childminders to see if they are able to cover your childcare.
I know plenty of childminders who would consider a one off contract like this. It would depend on their workloads of course but just saying its not impossible to fnid childcare out there.

Good luck with the course and your future,

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi Double

I want to open your head almost and find that inner bitch you had a while back before this class A over achieving in his own mind took it away from you, if I could Ide bottle mine and send it down the line for your use, because I have never felt more like bitch slapping a bloke I have never met, luckily for him it wont happen.

I would suggest like others, that you quietly make plans for an exit, because this amount of control comes with secrecy and you never know what he might have stashed away for himself. Photocopy every legal document, shares, bank statements, and set up a fund if you can even if its in your mums name, and watch the bastards blokes face when you turn on your heel and walk out the door.

[OcotoAlert]

Holy crap.

I thought it was 5 days a week, for a year or something.

5 days total ?!

OP - you are a bright star being shat on from a great height. Time to brush off, pick yourself up and start to shine again.

I would also like to point out that your gregarious, strong, capable and resilient character comes across very clearly - if only for the fact that you used the much under-used underlining in your OP .

Come on now, buck up and crack on with what you need to do. Best of British, womanly, luck to you.

[ithaka]

I remember when I was very little, my mum wanted to return to work 3 days a week and her professional job even came with a nursery place. My dad went mental - his is a lovely man, but he was appalled my mum would work & farm us out to nurseries.

She did return to work and over ten years later she had an affair and left my dad (who was devastated). She later told me the marriage really ended when he didn't support her returning to work.

It is so sad, but that was over 40 years ago and my dad would behave differently now. Your husband is being jaw droppingly unreasonable and placing his marriage at severe risk.

For his sake as much as your own you need to help him to understand this or it may well be his loss, in the end.

[cory]

I can relate to that feeling of putting up with a lot of shit because you are foreign and don't know what you can rightly expect.

Not that I ever had to take any shit from dh, but I did put up with years of totally illegal bollocks from dc's school until Mumsnetters pointed me in the right direction and I realised that I had greatly been underestimating the levels of civilisation in this country.

When you move into a new country you are so eager to cope and not be one of those silly foreigners who moan about the lack of marmite in the shops, it's easy to tip over into the other extreme and put up with any old rubbish. I needed Mumsnet for a reality check.

[pictish]

Yanbu. He sounds like a drill sargeant. My sympathies. Yuck.

[photographerlady]

Hi there, I can't relate on the YANBU but can offer my opinion of working in "TV" (Broadcast and Video Production/POST/SFX. Training in this field is pretty worthless. Even if you were seeking a refresher on tech no course is going to be up to day and with both broadcast and video production moving to HD no course will have the latest gear... and tbh there is not much technical difference between beta and more digital HD kit. I currently work in senior management in a post house, not this role nor my role as a photojournalist for broadcast came from any course it was simply learning as much as I could from one production company, to the next broadcaster and then dabbling in web based video production.

Honestly my biggest advice would be to get a small role in what you fancy (you said TV which most do not use in the industry so you could be after broadcast, post production, production, vfx, or technical assistant work). But regardless a small role as a junior editor, video producer for a small company needing web-based video work, media support etc will surround you with loads of kit and you will pick it up on the job.

I certainly never hire someone just off a course and even though I went to university most my team I hired worked their way up to the senior roles they are now and as long as you aren't going into prime broadcasting like BBC/ITN you will have normal hours.

[INeedThatForkOff]

OP, this is rude of me, but are you really getting how wrong this is? You sound amused rather than angry or fed up, but as others have pointed out, you need a contingency for Leaving The Bastard.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment, but have taken on a short term contract. I've told DH my schedule, where he is taking the slack, and that on the day of the deadline, he needs to take a day's holiday so I can be sure to meet it. Not in an overbearing way, just as a matter of fact. That's how it's supposed to work.

[photographerlady]

oh and P.S with 17 years experience no one will bat a lash to you taking five years out for family. Just work on tailored CVs and get out there :)

[FairPhyllis]

Do not rely on him for anything relating to your course or finding a job, particularly child care. He might (grudgingly) agree to help out and then invent a reason he can't do it at the last minute so you can't go. Pay people or get friends/family to look after the children.

Your mum sounds lovely - get her over here and let her help you.

Get family support. Do the course. Get a job. Figure out whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life.

[SirBoobAlot]

Your problems are way beyond a five day course he won't provide childcare for.

Leave the bastard.

Promptly.

[OneLittleToddlingTerror]

doubleshotlatte don't want to read this and run. I think you have a much bigger problem than the return to work. He sounds very controlling and prefers to keep you under his thumb. If both of you are working, you'll need to share equally the responsibility of housework, sick days, etc. It'll have to be a equal partnership. Your mum and friends are right. Maybe have a think about what you want to do with this relationship? Maybe open up to your mum or those friends who noticed? Sometimes just talking about it helps you see what your options are.

[doubleshotlatte]

@ShamyFarrahCooper I've been reading that link you sent and some of it is scarily accurate, tho DH is not violent in any way he is more the passive aggressive/mean-spirited getting-back-at-you kind. Still I do see parallels.

[Jux]

Oh please kick him out. He will put block after block after block in the way of your aspirations, and make life impossible for you. You have everything to gain, and nothing to lose, by losing him.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Ignore and get back into work. If he throws a paddy then he is clearly a controlling jerk. I take that back; it sounds like he already IS a controlling jerk.

[doubleshotlatte]

@photographerlady tbh I should have even said telly not even TV because I was trying to communicate a rough idea of where I work and its associated inimitable-to-family nature to women from all backgrounds... but I digress...

I did the whole working my way up from no-pay jobs (after film school even) thru to pretty darn senior level at, you got me there, a top broadcaster. I've taught myself 10 times over on various new software/cameras and invested in kit. But here I am, 5 years on, back to square bloody one.

But I doubt anyone will consider me for a self-shooting P/D job if I cannot prove familiarity with new tapeless HD cameras. Not in a market saturated with 20somethings who will work for less and have no family commitments.

What we're talking about here is the freedom opportunity to go off to even do a job where I do this catch-up-with-tech which will also have to pay enough for childcare and be flexible enough for school runs. I am beginning to agree with some of the posts on here that whichever solution I came up with will be opposed because DH does not want me to go back to work. Period.

[PackItInNow]

OP, he is not your master and keeper and he doesn't own you. You are an individual and entitled to go out to work if you want to.

YOU DON'T NEED HIS PERMISSION. Tell him straight you are doing what you can to get a job in your chosen field and he either supports your decision in bringing in more money for the household or he finds himself another lackey to run round after him.

[Yfronts]

He is not in charge. You have taken 5 years to be a SAHM, you have now done your bit but now want to work/train. Find wrap around care and organise yourself. You can do it and are equally entitled to have a fulfilling job. Why should you work a few hours in a shop? Why does he want you so reliant on him?