AIBU to be upset that DH doesn't want me to go back to work? :(

[doubleshotlatte]

Sorry if this is a bit confused and rambling, I'm too depressed to be coherent and my brain's stopped working after long debates with DH.

So I'd decided to retrain and go back to work this year after 5 years away. Work is TV. Being in a technical/creative role I need to catch up. I was going to pay for the training with my royalties from past work (and the rest with a bursary). Then I would try for a fairly stable, senior job, i.e. not involving travel or late hours (well not too many). Pay would have been decent enough but nowhere close to DH's. But for the 5 days of the course I'd need childcare so I needed to clear it with DH. And he basically said No.

Obviously not in so many words. But he threw enough spanners in the works, asked enough questions to make it impossible for me. In points:
(1) the course is too expensive and a job is not guaranteed without experience
(2) who will pick up/drop off the kids if I have to work in Central London (DH will not, he drives/commutes out of town daily and says the school drop off take a huge chunk of his time)
(3) I had a hard enough time finding work before kids
(4) I'll find it hard balancing work and kids
(5) and besides we had decided that I would be a SAHM doing blogging, that too once a week

After much debate, he conceded I could try for a very local, 2 times a week non-taxing job like temping or admin or shop asst. With all due respect to these jobs, I have 17 years of experience, 2 degrees and expensive training, not to mention bags of talent (so I'm told). Surely I can find better paid/more satisfying work?

And why do I want to work? Because I need the creative outlet, am good at it, I miss it and finally I really need the economic independence. I hate having to beg for/justify every penny I spend just because I didn't earn it.

We have 2 DCs about to turn 5 and 2 next month. One in reception, another just started day nursery 2 mornings/wk.

[BegoniaBampot]

Word factory,

you have pretty much described our set up. I don't brag about it though, it just is what it is and though not perfect, it allows us to function without being too stressed. My husband earns much more than I could and he also can be away for weeks at a time. He works and I look after the kids and home. He does help with the kids when he can and can easily manage when I go off for days or a week which he encourages. If I worked (for not a lot) then we would all have to do much more and be more stressed. You just sound really sneery there. Do I sometimes get frustrated, yes. Do we sometimes not get the balance right, yes. But most people struggle to keep everyone totally happy and get the balance just right.

[Pendipidy]

no Double. Of course i am not joking. My d h works full time and i work part time self employed and look after two dc . I do 99% of the housework cos i am home . Can't you iron and watch the dc !. I did, this morning for an hour while toddler played .

And i run a business. It isn't a competition, it is just that certain roles have responsibilities.

I don't think your dh should carte blanche dictate to you, it should be about compromise as much as possible.

[thesnootyfox]

Pendipity - Why do you feel the OP should do the ironing. The ironing doesn't even appear to be an issue.

I'm in a similar position to you Pendipity, work p/t, self employed, 2 kids, dh full time, long commute and he does the ironing.

[perfectstorm]

"I meant that what I had was /is mine and what dh earns is also mine. We decided I would manage money, but its all one pot and as long as bills are paid nobody feels they need to ask. No I don't work I'm a sahm, purely by choice though, no dictatorship. "

Ah, I get you! And I was a SAHM for a few years too, very happily, and that's how we worked it, too. It was a job and DH always acknowledged as much. Our money is in common, because, y'know, a family.

OP go easy on yourself, it's very hard to see the wood for the trees in a situation such as this. I do think your priority needs to be to return to the workplace as soon as you can, as your self esteem will build again when you are being recognised professionally, and I would hope that would help you in dealing with your home situation, too. You'll get there. Just approach it one step at a time.

[Hissy]

This is not about ironing, it's not about housework, or even childcare.

It's about the H feeling entitled to TELL his wife that she can't go back to work when she wants to. If she wanted to stay home, that's fine, but she wants and needs to get back into the workplace, she needs to be more financially independent of H, and she's fed up of having to beg him for funds.

There is WAY more to this than the SAHM/WOHM issue.

Pendypidy has no concept of an abusive situation, that's wonderful, really, but it renders her less than qualified to make a judgement here, no matter if she does fundamentally mean well.

OP, your instincts are what will guide you here. Don't back down. No matter the 'cost'.

Put it this way, marriage to a man like this, is not a marriage: It's a sentence.

I also understand that the we you stated in you staying home was a royal we, one that was made by HIM, that you went along with at the time.

This is your life, you can decide how to live your life, no-one gets to TELL you how to live it.

[Morloth]

You don't have a husband, you have an owner.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

OP I haven't got any advice to add apart from to agree with the wise words from the posters here, I just wanted to give you my support.

My sister was in a relationship with a man like your DH, when she went back to part time work he put every obstacle possible in her way. He used to reluctantly agree to pick up the DCs and then ring her at work 10 minutes before pick and say he couldn't do it so she had to leave work.
He also used to ring her in the morning if he was supposed to do the drop off and say one of the DCs were sick so she had to come home and take the day off. The children were not sick, he told them they were playing a joke on mummy.

She persevered through it, got a childminder, never asked him to get involved in anything. She hid money away for 2 years, even though he insisted she transfer her wages directly into his account every month.
Then she left.

Today,3 years later she is a different person. Happy, confident, and content.
I hope you can achieve the same x

[NeedlesCuties]

OP, you sound like a lovely woman, with lots of talent and creativity.

Your DCs are lucky to have a mum like you.

Don't let your husband sap all your energy and drive.

[Morloth]

When I let DH know I was intending to go back to work. He asked what I needed him to do. I found a job and we sorted out our childcare issues together.

[Abitwobblynow]

Good luck Double. I know you are processing all of this at your own pace and will put in the right plans that work for you.

How lucky you are that you have a mother on your side! Are you going to confide in her?

I am guessing that you are not white British. If that is the case, there is a thread 'leave an arranged marriage' - now, THAT girl has got guts. She is sorted, and she has a plan.

Good luck. Remember, change and comfort do not ride on the same bus xxx

[FreshLeticia]

It was the whole controlling the menu/food shopping that made me go
I hope at least that the fucker cooks his meals he planned himself.
If he controls the menus and then expects you to cook it to order he is treating you as nothing better than a skivvy.
I mean, my DH is useless at cooking, but he recognises that and as a result is just so eternally grateful that I make his dinner that he wouldn't dream of criticising what he was given.

[Xroads]

Double - would your "H agree to a plan for you to be back at work within so many months?

I'm not a sahm but I'm a childminder, a few years ago I started spending my time on hobbies and one of them turned out to be painting which I'm talented at (so people say) so I've done a few murals and canvas' on the side and now I've told dh I would like a business in art, possibly along side a florist/ events type business at first he was quite suprised, thought of reasons it wouldn't work etc mainly money related but we have now come to a compromise where I have dropped 6 hours of childminding per week and I am about to start working with a local community project doing murals for them on a regular basis. The longer term plan is that in 18mths time I can either give up childminding completely or I could just do before and after school, depending on how much I have build up my other business. It's frustrating, I'd love to be doing what I want to do now, I certainly understand you need your creative outlet - I know when I don't make time to be creative I'm miserable.

Baby steps? Or if you can afford it just do it?

[NumericalMum]

I really feel for you OP. I had a colleague who wouldn't let his wife work. He then had an affair and she left him. Luckily he is incredibly generous to her but she is essentially starting out in a new job after 10 years off. Incredibly sad.

[QuietNinjaTardis]

I don't think you get that you are in an abusive relationship op. you keep lol as if its something funny. It's not. You need to get away and if you try and do any of the things you want to do he will step up the abuse and the control u til he gets violent. What he is doing to you is serious. Get out now, while you can.
And pendypidy can get to fuck. Do his ironing? The definition of a sahm is to stay at home and be a mum. Any housework on top of that is a bonus. for you.

[OneLittleToddlingTerror]

Good luck double too. Hope your mum can help you sort our your emotions and options. Ignore people like pendipidy. She can have her i-work-and-i-do-the-ironing competition. There are a lot of women out there who can't do all the housework, childcare and the ironing. Most husbands help. But then I'm the opposite of pendipidy. I hate cleaning (we have a cleaner) and I don't iron anything. My mum is no domestic goddess either. At least I like cooking so I've improved slightly on domestic goddess evolution chart

[OneLittleToddlingTerror]

Actually a few post upthread reminded me your situation is probably more like your husband critising the shirt you've just ironed is now good enough .

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

I dont have anything to add apart from that I deal with shit situations with humour too and am at the people telling you that you are not taking this seriously. I get the feeling from your posts that you are well aware how serious this is, and you don't need posters complaining that you aren't having a complete breakdown

[SantasHairyBollock]

You have had loads of great advice. Can I just illustrate this with how a non-controlling DH might deal with similar?

I am currently a SAHM, not out of choice but because my last employers moved the goalposts and DH works odd hours so I just wasn't able to carry on in my job, so we agreed I would be a SAHM for a while.

I was considering applying for a 1 year course that would enable me to get a good 9-5 job that I would be good at and love.

I was chatting through the options with DH - I said I was worried that if I did get on the course, it would basically shit all over his life for a year. He would need to come home a little earlier and take the children to school/nursery /CM every weekday and I would be out full time plus assignments/essays. Plus lots of money for childcare.

He said - go for it, it's only a year and you would love it, we will manage.

I didn't get a place on the course but I have a lovely supportive husband and I know he would have been happy for me to get a great job and be happy.

And as for at home? I do iron, because I quite like ironing. The nearest to food issues is that he might ask me to get him a particular thing he fancies, I only cook for him a couple of times a week but make sure we have stuff in the fridge he likes. And I spend his wages on whatever I see fit. He knows we both have the whole family's best interests at heart and he doesn't even raise an eyebrow when I spend his hard earned salary on nice boots or posh wool (I like to knit) We are a team, together.

I feel really sad for you OP - please work on getting your independence back, you are just as important and valid a person as anyone else and there is no need to put up with it.

[LessMissAbs]

I find this horrific OP.

I don't actually ask my DH if I can do anything - I just do it. If it impacts on him, I will discuss it first, but I will do it anyway. As far as I see it, you only have one life, and who wants to be sitting in the nursing home dribbling, wishing for 10 years that you'd made more of it, while you were still capable?

After much debate, he conceded I could try for a very local, 2 times a week non-taxing job like temping or admin or shop asst. With all due respect to these jobs, I have 17 years of experience, 2 degrees and expensive training, not to mention bags of talent (so I'm told). Surely I can find better paid/more satisfying work?

And why do I want to work? Because I need the creative outlet, am good at it, I miss it and finally I really need the economic independence. I hate having to beg for/justify every penny I spend just because I didn't earn it

You've answered your own question here. It makes perfect sense for you to go back to work, loads of families have both parents working, so basically he is asking you to sacrifice your entire life so he can have what he wants. And its not as if you're being kept in a grand style! You sound full of energy and promise, and I really hope you do go back to work.

[doubleshotlatte]

@Beyondthelimits yes I do deal with tough situations with humour, reminds me how I used to be pretty tough and unflappable. Was on a shoot where local criminals tried to hold us to ransom, I laughed at them too. They're in jail now.

Believe me I'm taking all the advice and offered experiences very, very seriously.

abitwobbly No he is white British. His family isn't very ...erm... cosmopolitan, never been out of Britain nor have any idea of other cultures etc. So any unique aspects of my personality, any aspects of our home life different from MILs 1950s values, were attributed to me being non-white.

May I add that DH and I don't have shouting matches, and I don't do tears or stomp off. I'm very logical and calm. But fear for my babies' feelings stops me doing what I would have otherwise.

While he can be great with the kids, he has left the childcare totally to me. For years until DC2 I had not one day off, not one weekend where he looked after DD. I would ask but he always had "work" to do. Just once I went to a industry meetup only to be called 30min in while I was still on the Tube: "your baby is crying, she wants her mum, is this really a good idea?" he said coldly. I was useless after that, no good for any networking and rushed home too early.

Not one night has he taken a crying baby off me or shared night feed duty. Well he did a few times because I insisted, only to give up 5 mins in and dump the crying baby in its cot so I would have to get up and take over anyway.

I'd say he's not abusive as such, having read thru the NPD recovery link. More like a lazy, misled, patriarchal passive-aggressive. Partly because I let him. Partly because he's very convincing in his sense of superiority.

So yes he wants me to stay an SAHM because he doesn't want to deal with school runs/childcare/illnesses/GP visits or the general unpredictable nature of parenting. And because if I force him to do it, he will do it with bad grace and make my darlings cry and sap their confidence, I don't want that.

[doubleshotlatte]

@OneLittleToddlingTerror You're right, that did happen! I spent an evening lovingly ironing his shirts only to be told I was doing it wrong, I should have used the steam from the iron just so, not water just so etc. I also used to iron stuff before packing in suitcases (don't ask) but he disapproved of that too so I can't win in the ironing department, really

[AThingInYourLife]

"And because if I force him to do it, he will do it with bad grace and make my darlings cry and sap their confidence, I don't want that."

So he is abusive to your children as well as to you?

How did a bright, funny, interesting woman like you end up with such a loser?

Your mother must be horrified.

[Hissy]

Sweety, you can't see he's abusive so much yet, but he is. When you try to stand up for yourself on this, he's going to go for the low blows.

You'll have to do this by yourself. With OUR support of course.

I'd also venture that some level of racism has a play here too.

I'm so sorry. It's really a very horrid situation.

[diddl]

If he´s not doing something so that you will-how is that not abusive?

He gives up after 5/30mins?

What if you weren´t contactable-he would have had to cope then, & likely would!

Using your children to stop you doing something-that is seriously mean & twisted imo.

He´ll be telling you that if you love them, why wouldn´t you want to always be there for them!

[redexpat]

OP abuse does not just mean physical violence. There is emotional and financial abuse too. Once you understand this you will see that the way he treats you is in fact abuse.