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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another mum keeps blaming my DD for things her DD does. AIBU to feel peed off?

26 replies

NameChangeCat · 23/01/2013 00:02

DD is 15. Her friend is also 15

Friend's DD has recently done something that she shouldn't have done. My DD was out with her at the time, along with some other friends, but went home when the friend started doing it as she's a pretty sensible girl and doesn't like to get involved in any trouble.

The friend's parents contacted the school and DD was hauled into the head teacher's office and got a telling off even though she wasn't involved.

I then spoke to the friend's mum about it and said DD wasn't involved but she refused to believe me and keeps phoning up and making references to said bad behaviour and seems to think my DD is as bad as hers. She refuses to accept her DD was the only one at fault and seems to want to deflect the blame onto DD. I've also heard that she's mentioned it to other parents too and made out my DD took part.

Sorry this is so vague but I'll give my identity away if I am specific about what happened. It's nothing illegal btw, but something that is dangerous for a teenage girl to do.

OP posts:
Musomathsci · 23/01/2013 00:05

Have you spoken to the school? Even if you can't convince your friend that your DD wasn't involved, I wouldn't be happy to have the school thinking she was a troublemaker.

Other than that, I don't think there is much you can do, except be thankful that your DD is sensible and encourage her to stay away from her daft 'friend'.

MidnightMasquerader · 23/01/2013 00:06

It seems like you're both refusing to believe that your own DDs could possibly have been involved.

Are you are certain she wasn't there when it all took place? At the risk of sounding all - does she have an alibi...? Hmm

Original poster
NameChangeCat · 23/01/2013 00:07

I have spoken to the school but it fell on deaf ears and their attitude seemed to be that as this parent reported it then that's that and that it does no harm to remind a child to be sensible.

I've told her from now on she is to stay well away from that friend. I think the mum is very embarrassed about it but is trying to convince herself that other kids are as bad too

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCat · 23/01/2013 00:08

MidnightMasquerader, my DD wasn't involved, as I have already said.

OP posts:
HermioneE · 23/01/2013 00:13

How do you know the other mum's version of events is wrong, OP?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 23/01/2013 00:18

If she came on here she would probsbly post a virtually identical thread. Neither of you know for sure what happened and you both blame the other girl.

MidnightMasquerader · 23/01/2013 00:18

I know you already said she wasn't involved, but that wasn't what I was asking.

HopAndSkip · 23/01/2013 00:19

I would just encourage her to stay away. Did the school speak to the other girl too? Maybe mention to the school if they haven't.

seeker · 23/01/2013 00:22

I would always be wary of being certain that your daughter wasn't involved- honestly.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 23/01/2013 01:06

I agree with all the others.

Seems like her DD and your DD could have told their moms similar stories. Perhaps, maybe?

Time for a BigChat.

HecateWhoopass · 23/01/2013 07:41

How do you know your daughter wasn't involved?

If it's nothing more than 'because she told me' - then how are you any different from the other mother who believes that she was because her daughter told her?

If you have independent witnesses to confirm that she wasn't involved - then it is very simple to prove it, so take those witnesses to the school, who can then tell the other mother the truth.

curiousuze · 23/01/2013 07:50

I used to use this story with my parents all the time 'I wasn't there! I was already home! It was [insert name here] who bought the drink/had the party/used the condom.'

Teenagers are sneaky, OP.

Groovee · 23/01/2013 08:11

How do you know she wasn't involved? Teenagers have a tendancy to stretch the truth to their own version.

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/01/2013 08:28

Fwiw if 3 of my children said they didn't do something then it means they didnt,the others well chances are they did.

How do you know she didnt?

ConfusedPixie · 23/01/2013 08:32

Unless it was something obvious like "I knew she didn't do it because they were downing vodka and my daughter was very obviously not drunk when she walked in" then I really don't see how you can be so sure your DD didn't do anything, teens do fudge things a bit.
Out of curiosity, did she mention anything before the school told her off? (Not sure why the school are involved as it seems to have happened out of school?)

milf90 · 23/01/2013 10:17

I agree with pp, she could be lying to you - unless she was at home with you when it all happened because she left before?

CrapBag · 23/01/2013 10:28

So your DD told you she wasn't involved, sounds like your friends DD is saying the same. You have absolutely no way of knowing that your DD didn't take part in anything. You are believing your child, your friend is believing hers. YABU.

We would need more info to assess the situation properly.

FWIW, a friend of mine at scholl decided to hang about with some other girls from her class one evening. They went up to the school and set fire to the bins. I know my friend didn't do it, she wasn't the type and didn't hang out them after and she was scared but it didn't stop her getting into trouble with the others.

diddl · 23/01/2013 10:32

Why are the school involved?

Unless I´ve misread, it didn´t happen at school?

Well, as I understand it, the other girl is blaming your daughter.

Your daughter might be doing the same.

Original poster
NameChangeCat · 23/01/2013 11:11

A deputy head has called me this morning.

Other girl has come clean and said that my DD wasn't involved and did go home before it took place. Deputy head has apologised profusely and is going to speak to the other parent and clarify matters.

I do not wish to go into detail but as I said, I knew my DD hadn't taken part and had proof that she hadn't.

OP posts:
Flobbadobs · 23/01/2013 11:15

Defintetly keep DD away from this girl as much as possible. We've recently had to stop DS from hanging around with a couple of friends for similar reasons. The problem is that she risks being found guilty by association if she goes anywhere with her from now on.
YANBU to be upset, you knew she was innocent and could prove it.

Original poster
NameChangeCat · 23/01/2013 11:42

Luckily DD has said she doesn't want to spend any time with this girl again. DD is pretty sensible and says she doesn't want to be guilty by association.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/01/2013 11:50

Glad it's all resolved now and you can rest easy.
You are very lucky to have a sensible 15 YO DD.

diddl · 23/01/2013 12:13

I don´t understand why your daughter was "hauled into the headteacher´s office" on the say so of another girl & her parents.

The other girl was obviously blaming your daughter then.

But you weren´t asked about it all, even though you could have proved that she wasn´t there/didn´t do it-thus preventing her getting unnecessarily told off?

Flobbadobs · 23/01/2013 14:03

Sounds like your Dd has the sensible head that I hope my DS will sprout at some point! Glad it's sorted Grin

Floggingmolly · 23/01/2013 14:26

So your dd's friend got into trouble, and when her mum found out she contacted the school?? Why? And the school interviewed your daughter because some loon implicated her in some incident which took place outside school?
Hard to believe...

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