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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU or was my mother BU to speak to me like this?

70 replies

M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:03

Yesterday I had plans to go to my mates. She was lending me her pram as mine had broken. I got my 2 DS up (6 & 4) so needed to get ready for school. DS3 was awake and having a bottle (7weeks)

I got DS3 dressed whilst the boys had breakfast and got dressed into uniforms. DS3 had on a sleep suit, thick snow suit, wooly hat, mittens (on the snow suit) ad blankets on him in the car seat.

I posted a picture of him on my fb and my auntie (mums youngest sister) commented saying 'Leave DS3 at home with his dad?!!!'

DH was in bed, he's not working at the moment due to a contract end last her. He's signing on and applying for jobs daily.

I took the boys into school then went to my mates. As I pulled up outside
MY phone rang, it was my mum. She asked if I have drove so I Said yes why? And she said I was wrong to take DS3 out in this (it was arsing it down with Snow) I said why was I?
Apparently DH should have said 'ill take the boys to school today because its snowing and icy' Hmm
I then should have kept DS3 at home if I was going to my mates as its too cold for himConfused

My mum the. Continued to slag off DH saying he doesn't help, he lays in bed all day and doesn't do night feeds and no wonder I have Post Natal Depression Blush

Hmm firstly DH does do night feeds, he can stay in bed till dinnertime some days but due to stress and depression himself he finds it hard to sleep at night and in fact when he is in bed he cant sleep.
She said 'I know you've taken him out in this weather be aide I've had a phone call - the auntie who commented on picture on fb Angry

Sorry it's long.
But was I being unreasonable to take Ds3 out cos it was snowing or was my mother being unreasonable to speak to me like I'm 13 not 27 Blush

It upset me and I did cry to my mate how it made me feel.

DH wasn't happy when I told him. But if I say to mum next time I speak to to her that I told him she goes mad saying - you don't have to say everything to him you know. When I defended him saying he does do night feeds she shouted back - don't lie to me, you don't hve to defend him.

Hmm I'm not defending him I'm putting her straight. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:06

Sorry it's longBlush

OP posts:
Whocansay · 22/01/2013 12:06

If she doesn't want you to tell him, she knows she's in the wrong! If he's doing the night feeds, I would have no problem with this. She should keep her beak out.

ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2013 12:09

To be honest, I wouldn't be too hard on your mum. It sounds like she's worried about you. Of course she only sees one side, but even if she's getting it wrong, I think she's on your side here.

browniebear · 22/01/2013 12:12

Bloody Facebook. YANBU if your comfortable doing the school run and leaving your DH in bed then where's the problem? Yes it's very cold out but that's no reason to keep your baby indoors all the time IMO

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:13

She's got a funny way of telling me. She said 'were concerned for you'
Hmm how/why I'm a grown arse woman who was taking her children to school in the car on a snowy day, because I had plans to go you friends in town and room ds3 with me. It's like i wasn't allowed to take him out.

She must know she's in the wrong because she hasn't rung today, normally she rings before work. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:15

If DH was working and using the car which he would be if he and when he gets a job il have to walk the mile to school anyway.
But if DH was working yesterday and I would have had to have walked to school, if I'd hve kept them off school and rang her and said they were off school cos it's snowing she'd have gone mad saying how I shouldn't keep them off school for that. I can't win!!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/01/2013 12:18

I think she's blaming the snow but actually deep down she thinks your DH is lazy and she's worried that he's taking the piss.

That's how I read it anyway.

HousewifeFromHeaven · 22/01/2013 12:20

Mums are mums, I don't think they can stop themselves just because you've grown up. My mum drives me bonkers!! I get over it by driving my 16 year old daughter bonkers!!

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:20

Yes she does think he takes the piss she doesn't see him bathing the kids, taking them to school, making tea, cleaning up, night feeds, homework, reading etc etc every time she rings its 9-10am and yes DH more than likely is in bed when she rings and she's never happy when I say that he is.

But if ive no plans etc and if I'm tired I go lay down he take over childcare etc. she doesn't see any of that.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 22/01/2013 12:21

Well it sounds to me that she is seeing you cope with 3 young children and a husband with depression and feels (rightly or wrongly) that you are getting the short straw. From your short post I can see how she might feel that.

You need to have a chat to her and say that you understand her concerns but you are the best person to decide what is happening within your own family and you would rather she spoke to you as an adult and not as her child.

WorraLiberty · 22/01/2013 12:24

I think perhaps this is how your Mum and your Aunt possibly see your DH...

He's been unemployed since last year

He lays in bed until lunchtime

You get up in the morning and sort 3 children out on your own - one of whom is a 7wk old baby...while there is a perfectly useful pair of hands upstairs.

You end up doing the school run while he's still in bed.

Now that might not be what really happens but it's certainly how it probably looks.

Narked · 22/01/2013 12:27

Don't repeat everything she says to you to your DH. If you want her to stop tell her you won't listen. It's hardly going to make him feel any better is it?

Stress, depression, insomnia etc don't get any better when routine is thrown out the window.Getting up in the morning. every morning, by 8 am at the latest, getting showered and dressed and out of the house would be one of the first things most professionals would encourage him to do.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:27

That is what happens most days. When I was pregnant DH did the school run and a few weeks after Ds3 was born.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2013 12:28

Now that might not be what really happens but it's certainly how it probably looks.

Also, she's bound to think in terms of how it affects her child above any consideration about being fair to the husband.

irlouise13 · 22/01/2013 12:28

I. Don't think its any of her business and I would have told her that straight out instead of defending your dh (shell never believe you) - just say, its my business, they're my children, ill look after them how I see fit, I don't need your permission or approval and then hang up!

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:28

It's the way mum and auntie seem to think that DH won't have the kids. Which he does normally I'd have kept ds3 in bed asleep and DH would watch him but I was going to my mates with ds3.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/01/2013 12:30

Does he ever do the school run now?

Is he having treatment for his depression?

WRT the insomnia, that's often a vicious circle because if I slept in til lunchtime, I wouldn't sleep at night either.

AgentProvocateur · 22/01/2013 12:31

When you say he lies in bed till dinner time, do you mean until the evening? TBH, if my DS or DD was getting two school age children up and ready, as well as a seven-week old baby, and their partner was lying in bed not helping, I would have concerns. Especially if you have PND.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:32

It is.
DH does stay in bed 9/10 till dinnertime(ish) and I do sort kids out for school daily. It's part of my routine. I don't mind. I'm their mum. Get up dressed breakfast etc.
DH stays in bed. Yes I get annoyed that sometimes it would be handy for him to actually get up with me on a morning.Blush

It's just the way she spoke to me like it was against the law to take ds3 out in snow

OP posts:
Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:34

No dinnertime - 12-1pm

Errmm no he's not done school run in a few weeks. BlushHmm Since before Christmas.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2013 12:35

It's probably been building for some time and came out wrong as a result.

Narked · 22/01/2013 12:35

I think him going back to doing the school run sounds like a good idea.

You need to have a talk with your mother and Aunt about boundaries. They're obviously and understandably concerned about you. From their point of view he has stopped doing the school run in favour of staying in bed whilst you are dealing with PND and a 7 week old. You need to thank them for their concern but put up a wall when it comes to your relationship with your DH - that's not up for discussion.

Honestly, they have a point.

ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2013 12:36

The other thing is, if you don't want family commenting on your life, don't record every single action you take on Facebook. You can hardly say that people are being nosy when you're going to the trouble to update all and sundry all the time.

AbigailAdams · 22/01/2013 12:37

I have to say it does sound like your DH is being a lazy arse. Yes you are their mum, but he is their Dad. Why isn't he getting up first thing with them? They are his kids too. And as you have PND you aren't really coping (unsurprisingly) are you? There is a massive correlation with PND and lack of support.

You shouldn't have to do it all yourself. I suspect that is where your mum is coming from. And she'd be right.

WorraLiberty · 22/01/2013 12:37

"I don't mind. I'm their mum"

And he's their Dad and he's your Husband and you're all one family.

Being a mum doesn't mean you have to take on all the donkey work alone.

And how is all this helping his depression and his search for work?

I think this is why your Mum is concerned.