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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU or was my mother BU to speak to me like this?

70 replies

M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:03

Yesterday I had plans to go to my mates. She was lending me her pram as mine had broken. I got my 2 DS up (6 & 4) so needed to get ready for school. DS3 was awake and having a bottle (7weeks)

I got DS3 dressed whilst the boys had breakfast and got dressed into uniforms. DS3 had on a sleep suit, thick snow suit, wooly hat, mittens (on the snow suit) ad blankets on him in the car seat.

I posted a picture of him on my fb and my auntie (mums youngest sister) commented saying 'Leave DS3 at home with his dad?!!!'

DH was in bed, he's not working at the moment due to a contract end last her. He's signing on and applying for jobs daily.

I took the boys into school then went to my mates. As I pulled up outside
MY phone rang, it was my mum. She asked if I have drove so I Said yes why? And she said I was wrong to take DS3 out in this (it was arsing it down with Snow) I said why was I?
Apparently DH should have said 'ill take the boys to school today because its snowing and icy' Hmm
I then should have kept DS3 at home if I was going to my mates as its too cold for himConfused

My mum the. Continued to slag off DH saying he doesn't help, he lays in bed all day and doesn't do night feeds and no wonder I have Post Natal Depression Blush

Hmm firstly DH does do night feeds, he can stay in bed till dinnertime some days but due to stress and depression himself he finds it hard to sleep at night and in fact when he is in bed he cant sleep.
She said 'I know you've taken him out in this weather be aide I've had a phone call - the auntie who commented on picture on fb Angry

Sorry it's long.
But was I being unreasonable to take Ds3 out cos it was snowing or was my mother being unreasonable to speak to me like I'm 13 not 27 Blush

It upset me and I did cry to my mate how it made me feel.

DH wasn't happy when I told him. But if I say to mum next time I speak to to her that I told him she goes mad saying - you don't have to say everything to him you know. When I defended him saying he does do night feeds she shouted back - don't lie to me, you don't hve to defend him.

Hmm I'm not defending him I'm putting her straight. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:37

Oh I know about Facebook lol just a cute pic of ds in his snow suit turned into a bitch from my mum Confused

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2013 12:39

I get the impression that you're not really listening to anyone here, M0naLisa.

helpyourself · 22/01/2013 12:39

Apocalypse has a point.
She's your Mum. If my DD was running herself ragged with a perfectly fit other adult in the household. I'd struggle to bite my tongue.
It's not good for him either.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:40

He's applying daily for jobs.

I'm gunna have to put my foot down aren't I.

I am a pushover. I need to tell him to get up on a morning and go to bed at a reasonable time. I can go to bed at 3 yet I'm still up at 7-7:30 for school.

:-(

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 22/01/2013 12:40

I think your mum is just worried and had voiced her concerns in the wrong way.

Tbf, your DH sounds like a lazy arse. I've suffered from stress, anxiety, PND and lying in bed until lunchtime will not help. At all. He'll never sleep at night if he's only awake for 10/11hrs a day, surely that doesn't take a scientist to work out. Even kids have a 12hr day/night, why would an adult need less?

He needs to get up in the morning and either do the school run or watch the baby for you to do it with less hassle. He needs to be up and ready for the day by half 8, like most people with kids are (at the latest!).

Why doesn't he start running? That'll give him motivations, exercise, self esteem and tire him out so he sleeps at night?

Maybe once he stops lying in bed all day your mum will stop worrying and get off your back?

WorraLiberty · 22/01/2013 12:40

So he only did the school run when you were pregnant?

Is he getting help for his depression?

AbigailAdams · 22/01/2013 12:42

OK this is getting worse. Your DH is being pretty abusive. He is happy to lie in bed and watch you run around doing everything for the children, with PND and offer virtually no support. These are not the actions of someone who loves and cherishes you M0na.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:42

Yes at back end of pregnancy he took over school run.

No his mental health worker left and signed him off instead of transferring his care Hmm not being back to drs CID they didn't help when he was under their care so says there's no point

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/01/2013 12:45

Ok then I really do think you two need to talk about him getting up and doing the school run or getting up and minding the baby/helping get the kids ready for you to do it.

Also whoever suggested he take up running had a very good point.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:46

When I have a lie down some times on an afternoon he watches the kids. What does annoy me, if I go to sleep during school hours. Hell get my up before 3:30 so I can go to school. If I suggest he collects them he gets in a mood most times. Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:47

Haha at running he's knackered walking up the stairs lol he's not fat or owt he's in good shape, would be better if he did do exercise or anything Smile

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2013 12:48

And still you think your mother was just having a go at you for no reason at all other than to be nasty?

apostropheuse · 22/01/2013 12:49

You may not like what your mum said, or how she said it, but to be perfectly honest I think she said it solely out of concern for you. Your her daughter and she's obviously very worried about you.

Your DH really should be getting up in the morning and sharing the load with you. He may have depression, but you have three children, one of whom is a very young baby. He isn't working so he should be helping more. Sleeping till lunchtime is not on - and it won't be doing his mental health any good either.

Your DH won't like what your mum is saying because she's probably right and he knows it. Your mum is trying to support you and she doesn't want you telling him every word she says so that it doesn't come back on you.

I normally would say your mum should butt out, but in this case I think she is genuinely concerned and her and your aunt can see from the outside what's going on. They obviously love you and want things to be right for you.

apostropheuse · 22/01/2013 12:51

you're

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:51
Sad
OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/01/2013 12:51

The thing is, inactivity breeds inactivity. The less he does, the less he'll feel capable of really doing because he has no reason for him to kick himself up the arse.

If your family lived far away and you broke your leg tomorrow, he'd have to get on with it all wouldn't he?

But right now he's got no reason to because you're doing it all for him.

Take a step back and expect more from him. If he gets the hump then so be it but he needs to get our of this rut he's in.

ClassFree · 22/01/2013 12:52

OP, you have 3 separate issues here.

  1. There is nothing wrong with a LO being outside in the snow. I live in Canada, I know snow Grin as long as a body is dressed sensibly, it is fine.
  2. Let your Mum know that you appreciate her concern, but that the way she is expressing it is causing you distress. If you concentrate on responding to her in a calm, adult manner, hopefully she will start treating you like one.
  3. Your DH needs to sort himself out, either through better sleep patterns, regular exercise and healthy eating, help from his gp, counseling or such. Having a problem is normal, especially mental health issues (speaking as someone with depression) but ignoring the issue wont make it go away, or help him get back on his feet. It will also be difficult searching for work, dropping of resumes, going to interviews and that if he is always tired in the mornings. And don't forget to cut yourself some slack too, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate!
Goldenbear · 22/01/2013 12:52

YANBU for taking a baby out in the snow but IME it is not unusual for mothers to forget to talk to their adult children in an adult like way. I think my mum would feel the same as yours if my DP was behaving similarly. After I had my second child, my mother commented on the fact that DP still had not asked me to marry him, 'what was he waiting for?' and that he should, considering we now had 2 children. As a young woman she referred to herself as a 'feminist'. Mind you I think she has a point!

ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2013 12:55

He also has to go back to counselling whether he's decided it's all rubbish or the counsellers are all out to get him or why does everyone hate him and want him to be unhappy or whatever.

So here's an action plan:

  1. Get up and pull his weight at home;
  2. Start running;
  3. Go back to counselling;
  4. Don't live through Facebook.

You'd be surprised how quickly your mum backs off when all this is in place.

cory · 22/01/2013 12:59

I was going to sort your whole situation into three bullet points, but see that ClassFree has already done so Grin.

NoHank · 22/01/2013 13:00

But you have depression too. PND is the same thing (at least that's what the information leaflet my counsellor gave me said) It is just called PND because of the time of life you experience it. So you both have the same illness. The difference is you are carrying on as normal not using it as an excuse to opt out of family life and leave all the grunt work to someone else. Sorry to be blunt, but that is probably how your mum sees it.

Would you feel differently if you both had a broken leg? How would you feel then if DH expected you to struggle on doing everything whilst he sat back and watched?

redexpat · 22/01/2013 13:01

I think Worra has nailed this one.

ClassFree · 22/01/2013 13:02
AbigailAdams · 22/01/2013 13:04

"Your DH really should be getting up in the morning and sharing the load with you. He may have depression..."

You have depression too OP. Yet you are managing to look after the children. While he is wollowing in bed doing fuck all. I really am beginning to see where your mother's anger on this is coming from. He is taking the piss and you are suffering because of it. And he seems unprepared to do anything about it. In fact, he is downright unwilling to share the load re: the picking your children up from school. He seems to think that it is your job and he is there as a babysitter.

He is not being respectful towards you and and again getting moody at being asked to do womething which is absolutely not unreasonable is abusive behaviour.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 13:06

It does annoy me sometimes. And I can't wait for him to be back in work so we have more money coming in and what not.

I'm not a confrontational person I don't like starting convos that will put him in a mood so sometimes it better to just get on with it Confused I know coward aren't I lol

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