Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU or was my mother BU to speak to me like this?

70 replies

M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 12:03

Yesterday I had plans to go to my mates. She was lending me her pram as mine had broken. I got my 2 DS up (6 & 4) so needed to get ready for school. DS3 was awake and having a bottle (7weeks)

I got DS3 dressed whilst the boys had breakfast and got dressed into uniforms. DS3 had on a sleep suit, thick snow suit, wooly hat, mittens (on the snow suit) ad blankets on him in the car seat.

I posted a picture of him on my fb and my auntie (mums youngest sister) commented saying 'Leave DS3 at home with his dad?!!!'

DH was in bed, he's not working at the moment due to a contract end last her. He's signing on and applying for jobs daily.

I took the boys into school then went to my mates. As I pulled up outside
MY phone rang, it was my mum. She asked if I have drove so I Said yes why? And she said I was wrong to take DS3 out in this (it was arsing it down with Snow) I said why was I?
Apparently DH should have said 'ill take the boys to school today because its snowing and icy' Hmm
I then should have kept DS3 at home if I was going to my mates as its too cold for himConfused

My mum the. Continued to slag off DH saying he doesn't help, he lays in bed all day and doesn't do night feeds and no wonder I have Post Natal Depression Blush

Hmm firstly DH does do night feeds, he can stay in bed till dinnertime some days but due to stress and depression himself he finds it hard to sleep at night and in fact when he is in bed he cant sleep.
She said 'I know you've taken him out in this weather be aide I've had a phone call - the auntie who commented on picture on fb Angry

Sorry it's long.
But was I being unreasonable to take Ds3 out cos it was snowing or was my mother being unreasonable to speak to me like I'm 13 not 27 Blush

It upset me and I did cry to my mate how it made me feel.

DH wasn't happy when I told him. But if I say to mum next time I speak to to her that I told him she goes mad saying - you don't have to say everything to him you know. When I defended him saying he does do night feeds she shouted back - don't lie to me, you don't hve to defend him.

Hmm I'm not defending him I'm putting her straight. Hmm

OP posts:
ShephardsDelight · 22/01/2013 13:12

I think your mum meant well but went about it wrong, maybe have a calm discussion with , 'I know you mean well but ?

ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2013 13:15

I know coward aren't I lol

Nobody likes these conversations, you're no different to anyone else. But if you do nothing you will be in the same position in a year's time. If he continues to behave like this, you will not be married to him in five year's time.

But you have to stop (and I mean this seriously) stop listening to him and taking what he says on board.

pictish · 22/01/2013 13:22

I think your mother is a lot more astute than you give her credit for.

  1. Baby out in the snow...so what? That's a stupid angle to come from.
  1. All the rest of it....SHE IS RIGHT! Your dh is a lazy, selfish, uncooperative, unhelpful git. He bullies you into doing the donkey work while he flails around in bed, by going in a mood and starting shit when you dare ask him to help, as he rightly should. His moods do exactly what they are designed to do - they make too scared to ask for or expect support. That no doubt suits him very well, but it sure as hell shouldn't be suiting you!!

Your mum is worried about you in relation to your dreadful husband. If you were my daughter I would be too.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 13:25

He doesn't bully me into doing anything. It's got to be done no matter what. Blush
I do get annoyed that he stays in bed till gone whatever time, that's why I can't wait till he gets a job and gets himself into a routine. Plus it'll make me feel better with money coming in.

OP posts:
pictish · 22/01/2013 13:25

And I see that his depression is all encompassing, but yours doesn't matter a fuck.

How rude.

pictish · 22/01/2013 13:29

But sweetheart - he does bully you.

What does annoy me, if I go to sleep during school hours. Hell get my up before 3:30 so I can go to school. If I suggest he collects them he gets in a mood most times

So hemay take his lazy arse to bed for as long as he likes, but you may not? And if you ask him to collect the kids, he goes in a mood. That's bullying.

I'm not a confrontational person I don't like starting convos that will put him in a mood so sometimes it better to just get on with it

Yes...it's very difficult to broach touchy subjects with a bully. They tend to punish you for daring to try...by chucking a tantrum. Of course it puts you off from confronting him. And that my friend, is bullying.

MardyArsedMidlander · 22/01/2013 13:31

You went out into the show because of a broken pram, got two children to school and fed and dressed a 7 wk old baby- I am in utter AWE of you Thanks
How did you stop yourself running upstairs and yelling 'GET OUT OF THE FKING BED I HAD YOUR BABY 7 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!'?

SanityClause · 22/01/2013 13:31

He is bullying you into doing things, though.

Things need doing. If you ask him to do them, he gets in a mood, so because his moods upset you, you do the things that need doing. He is aware of this, and continues to do it.

(I have been in an abusive relationship. My mother never said anything to me about it. I do feel hurt, now, that she never said anything. Lucky you, to have a mother who cares to say something, even though it's not what you want to hear, and she is going about it the wrong way.)

Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 13:31

Hmm Blush Sad

Well he's making tea tonight (spag bol) whether he likes it or not.
(More so cos I can't do spaghetti Blush)

OP posts:
Original poster
M0naLisa · 22/01/2013 13:32

The more I think about it the more it annoys me.

What would happen if I stayed in bed til gone dinnertime everyday?
Would the kids go to school and housework get done?
Would he like it?

Confused
OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2013 13:33

Actually, I am beginning to see why your mother was tempted to take you by the shoulders and shake you. You have to engage with your own life and woman up a bit.

pictish · 22/01/2013 13:34

Yes indeed, it's one rule for King Dick and another rule for you isn't it?

Hullygully · 22/01/2013 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/01/2013 13:45

My DH had PTSD and got into the staying up late not waking up in the morning cycle. I was doing the school run with a child and a baby whilst he lay in bed.

His sleeping pattern was increasing the problems with his MH although he couldn't see that. I gave him no choice, I started to make him get up in the morning to help because I was running myself ragged. I would make sure I left the alarm ring for a bit, turn the light on, not try to be quiet etc. If necessary I would send DS1 in to wake him up. Sometimes he only got up 10 mins before we would need to leave but he did get up and help a bit. Because he had got up at a reasonable time he was tired in the evening so didn't stay up so late and slowly his body clock reset. It took some time but he did benefit from getting up at a normal time.

5madthings · 22/01/2013 14:01

Op I can see your mums comments annoyed you but she has a point. He may be depressed but his behavior is suite.

You have some great advice on here, talk to your dh and say he has to change.

One thing and this us not a criticism, its a mistake I made myself re putting baby in car seat in snowsuit, apparently you are not meant to do this, a thin jacket, hat etc and bundle him up with blankets but in an accident a snowsuit or very thick coat will compress from the force of the impact. The straps then are loose and babies have been thrown out if car seats and died :( as I said this is something I did myself until I found out. Many car seats actually say now in the instruction booklet not to put your baby in wearing thick coats etc. Its a pita but better safe.

Take care op, look after yourself.

schobe · 22/01/2013 14:09

There's not a single treatment schedule for insomnia or depression that involves lying in bed in the mornings.

Hard it may be, yes, but forcing yourself out of bed at 7, 8 or 9am (regardless of amount of sleep) is an absolute pre-requisite to actually making any real change imo.

Short naps in the day are better, but only if absolutely necessary (again, just my opinion from experience).

SirBoobAlot · 22/01/2013 14:15

Your mum is trying to look out for you in the way she knows how. Even if your husband is depressed, he is not dealing with it productively, and I say that as someone with a mental illness.

I would also say please do not put your children in car seats wearing thick snow suits or coats. This is so so dangerous. Put them in a jumper, then layer them up with blankets once they are strapped in.

BalloonTwister · 22/01/2013 14:21

Hully - try down the back of the sofa? Grin

SpicyPear · 22/01/2013 14:33

The best thing my DH did for me when I uad major depression was to harass ne out if bed every morning and take me for a walk before he went to work (no kids). Letting him bully you into doing everything is not helping him. He shoukd at least start coming with you on the school run.

I was ready to say YWNBU but I don't think the taking the baby out thing is the main issue. Sounds like your Mum is quite rightly concerned for you.

captainmummy · 22/01/2013 14:49

My Dp used to complain that he had 'insomnia' because he wouldn't go to bed before 2am. Then of course he couldn't get out of bed until 10am- and he wondered why.

As a 10pm-i'm-asleep kinda girl, he has now slowly readjusted.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page