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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU saying can't afford it to friends yet again!!

61 replies

peppajay · 22/01/2013 09:48

I have a group of friends from the town I grew up who I still keep in touch with, they are a great group of friends but since we have all had children my priorities have changed but theirs have really stayed the same. They all still go out every weekend either on a sat night or go shopping or meet for lunch during the day on a saturday. Also whenever it is anybodys birthday they do it with style which usually means a weekend away since last February for their birthdays there has been 9 different weekends away costing about 200 pounds for each one including the alcohol that has been consumed. As a family they all earn less than my family and don't own their own houses but they can still afford nights and weekends away. I admit I am jealous and wish I could participate in this lifestyle but I cannot justify spending that sort of money. Every time I have to say no due to money and also childcare arrangements because alot of them are single mothers they dont have their kids at the weekends and the ones that do have alot of outside help with childcare and I don't have that luxury.

I promised my friend that I would go away this yr for her 40th but I got the text yesterday to say she wants to go to Marbella for a week in August. Will be approx 700 pounds villa and flight. Way too much money for me to afford and also school holidays so who will have the kids!! One of my friends is having a baby in June and is leaving the baby with her hubby whilst she goes to Marbella!!

That 700 pounds could be a family holiday for us but when I say that to my friend she says I only ever think about my family now and not myself.

We get by just about ok but there is no way I could spend the amount of money on myself like they do. However alot of money goes on kids activities swimming lessons x2, dancing lessons x2 and brownies and beavers. The friend whose birthday it is has 5 kids and her kids do no activities because they cant afford it because of the money she spends on her life.

If I stopped my kids activities I would have more money to spend on going out with friends but my kids love their life and I agree I have sort of put my life on hold for them but isnt this what you should do when you have kids or am I being unreasonable???

I love my friends dearly but I have noticed a big change in the way we prioritise and bring our families up.

They seem to be getting fed up with asking me now and have said I have become really boring and the kids shouls fit into my life and not me into theirs!!

So am I being unreasonable saying no yet again (bearing in mind she is a good friend and I did originally say I would go) but at the time she was thinking a night out in a different town with a stay in a hotel for 1 night. If I got a weekend or evening job I could probably save to do it and love the idea of sitting round a pool all day gossipping child free but the going out and drinking to exess every night doesnt appeal to me quite so much!!!

I would be grateful for peoples opinions.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Christmasberry · 22/01/2013 09:55

If you can't afford it say no, don't feel pressured, to be honest a week in Marbella isn't my idea of fun I'd miss my children too much, like you say that money is a family holiday.

jojane · 22/01/2013 09:56

Would it be possible to go as a family? That way you can partake in some girly time but also solve your childcare problem and if you go as your fmily holiday then you won't be paying for you to go on holiday ywice iyswim (assuming you we're going to have a family holiday)

cory · 22/01/2013 09:57

"That 700 pounds could be a family holiday for us but when I say that to my friend she says I only ever think about my family now and not myself. "

I think you may have to be brutally honest with your friend and make it clear that spending time/money on your family is thinking about yourself. It is not a given that you have to find her more entertaining or relaxing than your own children; it's a bit arrogant of her to be thinking that imho.

MairyHinge · 22/01/2013 09:58

Sounds like you've grown up & realised what's important, yet they haven't.
I love my nights out, maybe once a month, but I love my family time too, and the thought of spending £700 on a break for me, depriving my kids of a holiday, makes me want to cry!!
My hubby goes away EVERY year with his mates, abroad, for 3/4 nights, and I hate it cos it's money that could help with a family holiday BUT he works hard blah blah blah...
I think a night out, maybe a night away, yes, but a villa in Marbella??? Madness.
So it's her birthday, woopeedoo, we all have thm.

Maybe time to re evaluate your freinds? They all sound incredibly selfish.
I have a freind like that ( my kids will fit round me & my plans END OF).

Paiviaso · 22/01/2013 10:01

YANBU

Explain you can't afford to go to Marabella, but you would like to take her out for dinner before she goes away (or something similar) so that you wont miss celebrating her birthday as promised :)

Ninetyninepercent · 22/01/2013 10:01

Errrr.....there's no way I would be spending £700 (plus prob another £300 on spending money) for a friends birthday unless I had pots and pots of money and it made no overall difference to my family expenditure (didn't need to budget for it, didn't affect our own plans for holidays etc). 40ths are becoming like the new stag/hen dos - crazy business. Don't feel bad saying no.

LittleChimneyDroppings · 22/01/2013 10:02

Your children are your priority now. And your friend sounds pretty selfish.

TranceDaemon · 22/01/2013 10:04

YANBU unreasonable at all! Your friends sound demanding and selfish. I'm all for keeping a balance once you've had kids but your family should always come first. I couldn't justify that much on a jolly with my mates even if I was loaded, never mind the childcare issue.

They need to get a grip and come live in the real world!

cantspel · 22/01/2013 10:10

whatever happened to meeting at the pub for a pint and chicken in the basket?
Why does every occasion from birthday to hen do have to be bigger, better and more expensive than the last?

lynniep · 22/01/2013 10:16

YANBU and they sound very immature (some of them are parents!) £700 is outrageous. If they can afford to go off constantly enjoying themselves, well lucky them, but they should not berate you for not joining in.

I also have a group of friends whom I have known since my first job. We are all either just 40 or about to turn 40 and whilst some have no children and some do (including me) NONE of them would ever suggest that we celebrate by spending that amount of money. None of them would ever suggest we go away for a whole week without our families either.

We went away overnight last year for one of their 40th celebrations. It was brilliant. And none of us spent over £100 excluding drinks (Coppid Beech if you're interested)

I have another joint 40th celebration coming up, and again we are all trying to figure out how to do an overnighter on the cheap, because my childless friends UNDERSTAND that my family comes first and TRY TO ACCOMMODATE us because they are FRIENDS.

Next year I'm going to suggest for my 40th (and another friends) that all of us head to the new Centreparcs for a short week or a long weekend with our families. Based on past experience, the childless will be staying in separate accomodation! But I think you get my point.

You shouldnt feel guilty for not being to afford the time or the money to go off on long jollies. YANBU

shewhowines · 22/01/2013 10:29

You are so NBU. You are being a responsible mother prioritising her family.

Yes in a sense what they say is true, in that you should make some time and finance available for yourself, but it seems that you are willing to do that. They are asking for way too much though.

How can your friend be thinking of leaving a few weeks old baby. Selfish, selfish, selfish. It will be interesting to see if she changes her mind after the event.

In fact, if they can't see your point of view and accept you for what you can do without making you feel guilty, then TBH i'd be evaluating my friendship with them anyway.

bringbacksideburns · 22/01/2013 10:32

I'd be looking at making new friends too. They should not be questioning your priorities or your Finances.

If i didn't have a Mortgage i'd have a different life. Wouldn't we all?!

pictish · 22/01/2013 10:37

£700??!! And that's not including spends!!

No...I'm sorry...I may be an old curmudgeon, but that is ridiculous amount to expect a friend to pay out in order to honour your sodding who-gives-a-fuck birthday!

Yanbu, and I reckon you need some new friends who think more like you do.

Original poster
peppajay · 22/01/2013 10:38

Lynneiep- Coppid beech is fantastic and we have done it a few times once for another friends 40th and before that for one of our younger friends 30th. It is true birthdays that end in a '0' are becoming bigger and bigger and more money spent on each!!! It just annoys me sometimes that my husband works hard to give us a good life and we have less of a disposble income than friends who earn less than us!!!

OP posts:
DoubleMum · 22/01/2013 10:43

TBH I'd have to seriously consider spending £70 on a friend's birthday let alone £700. It's a ridiculous situation and frankly unsustainable - how are they actually paying for all this, if they don't earn much? I wouldn't want to go away for a week from my family in the school holidays either - funnily I actually like spending time with them. I'm sorry, it sounds like you have matured and those friends just haven't. I wouldn't be too worried about what they think.

BarredfromhavingStella · 22/01/2013 10:43

YANBU, you've grown up & obviously they haven't-get new friends.

DoubleMum · 22/01/2013 10:44

I am in my early 40's and so have lots of friends who have passed the 40 mark or are just coming up to it. I don't know anybody who has planned anything like this.

LoopsInHoops · 22/01/2013 10:44

Have you been to Marbella? It's a bit shit really.

nicelyneurotic · 22/01/2013 11:08

YANBU

I hate this trend of being expected/pressured to shell out hundreds of pounds and take a week off work for someone's birthday or hen do.

They are always organised by people who think the world revolves around them. Say no, it's way to much, and that you'll take her out to lunch or something when she's back.

pigletmania · 22/01/2013 11:12

YANBU at all, actually very sensible. Just say no you can't. By the sounds f it tey need to learn that too, no they can't afford it, they might be maxing out ther credit card, or getting loans

pigletmania · 22/01/2013 11:13

I don't know any of my fiends planning stuff like this, mostly it's a buffet at the local chineese or Indian restaurant or at a pub with chicken in a basket Smile

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/01/2013 11:14

" It just annoys me sometimes that my husband works hard to give us a good life and we have less of a disposable income than friends who earn less than us!!!"
I expect what you actually have is considerably less DEBT than your friends. Just because someone splashes the cash around, doesn't actually mean thay had it in the first place.

neolara · 22/01/2013 11:21

Blimey. Your friend sounds bonkers expecting you to spend £700 on her birthday. Ignore her mad priorities. Sometimes friendships drift. In a few years time your and her priorities may be back in synch and then it will be easier to maintain the friendship.

revolvenotevolve · 22/01/2013 11:26

Yanbu -since when does having a good time have to involve spending stupid amounts of money? Some of the best times Ive had with friends include the following: talking talking talking on long walks on beaches /hills or at my kitchen table whilst eating cereal!! Playing games together e.g Wii and cooking. They sound materialistic tbh.

Whocansay · 22/01/2013 11:27

I love the way she implies that you're being selfish by thinking of your FAMILY!

Everyone likes time alone with friends, but a week? I'm afraid the guilt tripping would be a deal breaker for me. Of course you should put your family's needs first. I have no idea why your friend has children if she feels this is in any way wrong.

£700 is incredibly extravagant. And expecting you to ditch your kids for a whole week for her birthday is unreasonable. "No" is a complete sentence.