AIBU saying can't afford it to friends yet again!!

[peppajay]

I have a group of friends from the town I grew up who I still keep in touch with, they are a great group of friends but since we have all had children my priorities have changed but theirs have really stayed the same. They all still go out every weekend either on a sat night or go shopping or meet for lunch during the day on a saturday. Also whenever it is anybodys birthday they do it with style which usually means a weekend away since last February for their birthdays there has been 9 different weekends away costing about 200 pounds for each one including the alcohol that has been consumed. As a family they all earn less than my family and don't own their own houses but they can still afford nights and weekends away. I admit I am jealous and wish I could participate in this lifestyle but I cannot justify spending that sort of money. Every time I have to say no due to money and also childcare arrangements because alot of them are single mothers they dont have their kids at the weekends and the ones that do have alot of outside help with childcare and I don't have that luxury.

I promised my friend that I would go away this yr for her 40th but I got the text yesterday to say she wants to go to Marbella for a week in August. Will be approx 700 pounds villa and flight. Way too much money for me to afford and also school holidays so who will have the kids!! One of my friends is having a baby in June and is leaving the baby with her hubby whilst she goes to Marbella!!

That 700 pounds could be a family holiday for us but when I say that to my friend she says I only ever think about my family now and not myself.

We get by just about ok but there is no way I could spend the amount of money on myself like they do. However alot of money goes on kids activities swimming lessons x2, dancing lessons x2 and brownies and beavers. The friend whose birthday it is has 5 kids and her kids do no activities because they cant afford it because of the money she spends on her life.

If I stopped my kids activities I would have more money to spend on going out with friends but my kids love their life and I agree I have sort of put my life on hold for them but isnt this what you should do when you have kids or am I being unreasonable???

I love my friends dearly but I have noticed a big change in the way we prioritise and bring our families up.

They seem to be getting fed up with asking me now and have said I have become really boring and the kids shouls fit into my life and not me into theirs!!

So am I being unreasonable saying no yet again (bearing in mind she is a good friend and I did originally say I would go) but at the time she was thinking a night out in a different town with a stay in a hotel for 1 night. If I got a weekend or evening job I could probably save to do it and love the idea of sitting round a pool all day gossipping child free but the going out and drinking to exess every night doesnt appeal to me quite so much!!!

I would be grateful for peoples opinions.

Thanks x

Isn't it funny how a treat for you must involve be spending money on your friend's birthday, whereas spending money on your own family couldn't possibly be meeting your wants and needs.

Because enabling her lifestyle is so much better for you than anything you yourself might decide to do...

Personally, I tend to think of enrichment activities for the dc as money that is spent on me as it widens their horizons and makes them more entertaining company.

YANBU. Your friend has moved the goal posts. Originally she wanted to go to town and a hotel for 1 night but now wants to go away for a week. And £700 each sounds very expensive. Are you sure it is not £700 for the villa between all of you?

Time to ditch those 'friends' op looks like you have outgrown them.

They ABVVVU

I agree I have sort of put my life on hold for them but isnt this what you should do when you have kids or am I being unreasonable?

YABalittleU. Why should your life be on hold? Your life shouldn't be on hold, you should have as much of a life as your DC. They have 3 after school activities each every week. What do you have for yourself? Granted £700 to Marbella is ridiculous, but you should have something.

DIYApprentice - I know where the OP is coming from. My life is similarly on hold. My pre DC leisure activity costs too much and takes up too much time to make it viable now. Doing it to at a much lower level would be worse than not doing it at all. So DD does some activities because I think it is important to get the opportunity to discover what enthuses her.

As a child I didn't get to do activities if they interfered with his interests and I'm not about to foist that frustration on my DD.

OP - YADNBU.

That last sentence was about my DF's interests taking priority

Time to find new friends.

YANBU, that's a ridiculous amount of money and time to expect someone to commit. You are quite right to prioritise your family, but you do sound a bit jealous of their care-free (conscience-free) status. Is there any wriggle room to budget a little more time and money for you to pursue your interests?

I don't like the trend towards massive celebrations where participants have to fork out for every birthday, hen night, wedding, baby shower. It used to be that the host paid for a party and he most that was expected of a guest was to turn up clutching a present.

Yes but Duffy - her DC have 3 different after school activities each!!! Granted so mine have similar, but one of theirs is linked to mine (gym and swimming), so I go to the gym, out to lunch with friends sometimes, hire babysitters and have nights out with DH, friends etc (bought myself a Gourmet Society membership and am roadtesting it!!). Now I could be wrong, the op may well do that she hasn't said one way or the other but it doesn't sound as though she does as she has said 'her life is on hold'. But I certainly wouldn't be paying for my DC to have 3 after school activities and nothing for myself.

YANBU! Your friends need to grow up or you need to get new friends.

I wouldn't want to go for a week somewhere. They are being totally unreasonable IMO, especially in August! Its a hell of a lot of money to spend just for a friends birthday.