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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU saying can't afford it to friends yet again!!

61 replies

peppajay · 22/01/2013 09:48

I have a group of friends from the town I grew up who I still keep in touch with, they are a great group of friends but since we have all had children my priorities have changed but theirs have really stayed the same. They all still go out every weekend either on a sat night or go shopping or meet for lunch during the day on a saturday. Also whenever it is anybodys birthday they do it with style which usually means a weekend away since last February for their birthdays there has been 9 different weekends away costing about 200 pounds for each one including the alcohol that has been consumed. As a family they all earn less than my family and don't own their own houses but they can still afford nights and weekends away. I admit I am jealous and wish I could participate in this lifestyle but I cannot justify spending that sort of money. Every time I have to say no due to money and also childcare arrangements because alot of them are single mothers they dont have their kids at the weekends and the ones that do have alot of outside help with childcare and I don't have that luxury.

I promised my friend that I would go away this yr for her 40th but I got the text yesterday to say she wants to go to Marbella for a week in August. Will be approx 700 pounds villa and flight. Way too much money for me to afford and also school holidays so who will have the kids!! One of my friends is having a baby in June and is leaving the baby with her hubby whilst she goes to Marbella!!

That 700 pounds could be a family holiday for us but when I say that to my friend she says I only ever think about my family now and not myself.

We get by just about ok but there is no way I could spend the amount of money on myself like they do. However alot of money goes on kids activities swimming lessons x2, dancing lessons x2 and brownies and beavers. The friend whose birthday it is has 5 kids and her kids do no activities because they cant afford it because of the money she spends on her life.

If I stopped my kids activities I would have more money to spend on going out with friends but my kids love their life and I agree I have sort of put my life on hold for them but isnt this what you should do when you have kids or am I being unreasonable???

I love my friends dearly but I have noticed a big change in the way we prioritise and bring our families up.

They seem to be getting fed up with asking me now and have said I have become really boring and the kids shouls fit into my life and not me into theirs!!

So am I being unreasonable saying no yet again (bearing in mind she is a good friend and I did originally say I would go) but at the time she was thinking a night out in a different town with a stay in a hotel for 1 night. If I got a weekend or evening job I could probably save to do it and love the idea of sitting round a pool all day gossipping child free but the going out and drinking to exess every night doesnt appeal to me quite so much!!!

I would be grateful for peoples opinions.

Thanks x

OP posts:

MerylStrop · 22/01/2013 11:29

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. How is that, in any way, unreasonable?

Branleuse · 22/01/2013 11:35

tell her that you would LOVE to be able to afford it but you cant, and maybe you could meet up and youll treat her to dinner or lunch for her birthday.
You dont have to go into much detail, but dont make it into a you and them. Maybe ask them if they ever do anything thats not too expensve so you can still join in

impty · 22/01/2013 11:35

1.. the desire to spend time and money (if you have it) on and with your family is normal.

If you don't want to do something you really don't have to.

Number 2 is my new years resolution, it helps me to not feel guilty.

DialsMavis · 22/01/2013 11:36

YANBU to not want to go, it all sounds very OTT. But, for someone who is happy with her decisions in life you do sound very judgy and jealous of your friends. I am sort of between the two mindsets I suppose, I go out of my way to give my DC opportunities to do after school clubs and have hobbies, but certainly not at the complete expense of my wants and needs. I still deserve some fun too . Also FWIW where I live rents and mortgages are the same PCM and no-one my age with DC has a hope of saving the £100k needed for deposit and stamp duty on a house, even if they do go without a few nights out.

PeerieMootsMum · 22/01/2013 11:39

For my last big birthday I was newly single and needing a pick me up so decided Vegas was the way to go, all my friends were invited but I knew this would be far too expensive (money and time) for some of them and put no pressure on them to go at all - your friend sounds very selfish if she can't understand your family are more important to you than she is.

What I also did was have a big night out at home for the girls beforehand with everyone which was great fun and kicked the holiday off with a bang. If you wanted to smooth the water and not feel like you're always saying no you could offer to organise one for her?

Although not sure I'd bother if she can't see your point of view... Might be better spend your night out making new like minded friends!

redexpat · 22/01/2013 11:39

I wouldn't have spent that much money on a week's holiday before I had DS. £700 on one week? I think I backpacked across the USA for 3 weeks on that!

Sallyingforth · 22/01/2013 11:44

OP I think you have a very sensible attitude. It's your 'friends' who are being unreasonable. Stay with it!

OwlLady · 22/01/2013 11:46

you aren't being unreasonable, I wish I could go out and away as much as them too though :o

YouOldSlag · 22/01/2013 11:47

YANBU. You need some friends with kids who are on your wavelength. Your friend is being selfish, not you.

You need to point out that if you spend £700 on a holiday for yourself, you, your DH and your kids don't go on holiday at all that year.

I think it's her being selfish and guilt tripping you into spending the family kitty on her Me Me Me holiday.

if she can't see that, I would seriously let the friendship go. It shows a complete lack of understanding of your life, and a refusal to even try and understand. Its also attention seeking and immature "Never mind your kids, what about ME? it's my birthday?" ((whine, whine)).

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2013 11:58

Wowzers! £700 on a flight and villa - and what about food and drink. That place is NOT cheap and you need quite a bit of spending money as well.
I recently went all inclusive to Egypt for a week, included flights, hotel, transfers, food, drink, entertainment for £350!!!!!
You will be spending well in excess of £1000+.
Do not feel guilty. It's a crazy suggestion and you can't afford it so therefore you can't go.
Just tell her nicely that it's not possible but you'll go out with her locally to celebrate when she comes back.
If she is a true friend she will understand this and not be horrid about it.

DPotter · 22/01/2013 11:58

A week in August in Marbella - that's family time in my book. I love spending time with my family

No- YANBU at all. Just say No - too expensive, too long and in school holidays.

Don't apologise although you could remind her she was initially planning something a bit smaller which it what you originally agreed to.

Like other others I really don't get this going away for extended breaks for birthdays / hen / stag do's

SpottyBagOfTumble · 22/01/2013 11:59

Yanbu.

YouOldSlag · 22/01/2013 12:02

Sorry OP, I just read that birthday girl has five kids??? does she take THEM on holiday or does she just have holidays herself?

She is probably being arsey because you've made her feel guilty. If my kids couldn't afford after school activities so that I could have a week getting pissed by the pool I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror.

Yfronts · 22/01/2013 12:11

it's too expensive. say no

CSIJanner · 22/01/2013 12:25

YANBU - would you spend £700 on your DH for his birthday? Because that's what this "good" friend is asking you to do and she's not even family. And I think as she's critics incised you putting your family first, that you entitled to out your Judgey pants on to your armpits, a la Simon Cowell style if she has a pop at your parenting choices again.

pigletmania · 22/01/2013 12:26

Your friends are being incredibly selfish, depriving ther kids of activities so they can go on their silly jaunts. It's a good thing if they stop asking you. When you have dp/dh and kds they come first

shewhowines · 22/01/2013 12:40

Won't everybody think of the poor baby being born in June that is going to be left.

CSIJanner · 22/01/2013 12:42

Shewho - I did actually. Even had a little chortle as I don't think that the new mum will go on the birthday jaunt as mothers guilt will kick in. My friend knew 5 months before she had her child that she would have to go abroad for work for two days a month after the birth (workaholic). She did it but hated every single minute and has refused any more after that.

shewhowines · 22/01/2013 12:45

That was my initial thought but then I thought she may already have kids and still not care. My money is on that.

HeartsAreEveryWhere · 22/01/2013 12:50

I would agree with the rest however YABU to say this -

One of my friends is having a baby in June and is leaving the baby with her hubby whilst she goes to Marbella!!

Erm ... so what?

It's her decision whether she wants to go or not and I'm sure she's not just going to leave the baby at home by itself and hope for the best.

If it was the man going away I doubt you'd be so judgemental.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a break, so long as you can afford it and your children are being looked after.

shewhowines · 22/01/2013 12:54

Yes there is hearts. It will be a few weeks old and needs its mother. The baby's needs trumps its mothers.

Its mother is its whole world at that age.

HeartsAreEveryWhere · 22/01/2013 13:08

But the baby will have their dad? And if the baby is not bf then why is the mother looking after the baby more important than the father?

YouOldSlag · 22/01/2013 13:11

If its her first baby it wouldn't surprise me if she changed her mind about going once the baby is born. It certainly changed my life dramatically when I became a mother and I could never have left my baby so soon. Others are different, but that's just my take on it.

HeartsAreEveryWhere · 22/01/2013 13:14

Yeah you're right YouOldSlag , I just feel it's unfair to judge someone who isn't even relevant to the OP seeing as it's not her birthday and we know very little about.

wannabedreams · 22/01/2013 13:19

YANBU, I feel like this a lot but I have a lot less debt. You have to live the way you chose. I would rather my children had hobbies etc than I 'pissed the money up the wall'. I did enough of that before I had children....

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