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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about BIL's wedding?

78 replies

curiousgeorgie · 21/01/2013 17:06

I've probably posted about this wedding before!

I'm expecting DD2 at the end of June / early July and BIL is getting married abroad in August.

My older DD (2) is a bridesmaid / flower girl and my DH is best man. I'll definitely be having a C Section with this baby as its a high risk pregnancy and I had one with DD.

We were planning on arriving on the Thursday afternoon, wedding on the Friday and then leaving on the Saturday with a lot of other family members for two nights in a capital city about three hours away.

I've just heard from SIL to be that my DH will have to be there the Friday before for a suit fitting, and that they are planning a first birthday party for her baby on the Monday afternoon. I said that we wouldn't be able to do that and she has gone mad.

DH is self employed and contracting for a company in London. He doesn't get paid paternity leave or paid holiday, so any time off is money we lose. He has been saving so as he can take 2 weeks off when I have the baby and then the few days around the wedding. To ask for an extra week unpaid, 7 more nights in a hotel, 7 more nights worth of newborn baby stuff.... Surely she is being unreasonable?

And she said that if we can go to another hotel for two nights after the wedding then we should have no problem just staying in her hometown so we can be at the birthday party instead. Due to the baby, my DH's leave and the wedding, those two days are the only holiday we're going to get and I'd rather not spend it in a wedding hotel in the middle of nowhere.

AIBU or is she? They both came abroad to our wedding six years ago and stayed two weeks (everyone did and we paid a portion of everyone's cost) but no one had children then and no worries about holiday pay!

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 19:57

I am not sure you'll be able to get a baby passport that quickly Wink.

oneforthemoney · 21/01/2013 20:01

What is it with some people and weddings?

I know someine who guilt tripped her sister into attending her brothers wedding 10 days after an emcs and her wound ruptured at the reception!

lopsided · 21/01/2013 20:06

It sounds like they just aren't trying to be helpful. Expecting your DD to get ready without you or your DH seems mad, as does sitting you on your own.

You sure there is no deep seated resentment about your wedding? Perhaps they felt similarly aggravated?

ivykaty44 · 21/01/2013 20:09

Ask her if she would like to speak to your consultant to organise the date of your c section so it fits in with her wedding plans , then could she organise you a nurse maid to help after the birth so your dh can go back to work ealry to allow for the whole week before the wedding business, as she really is a fucking control freak I doubt she would understand you were being sarcastic Hmm

ivykaty44 · 21/01/2013 20:11

Oh and while she is at it can she sort names ready for the birth certificate to then try to get the passport in time, as you two are not sure you know what to name baby ? But will need name ready to rush through passport

cees · 21/01/2013 20:13

Oh come on curious, why are you letting them treat you like that, it's just awful. I'd have blown up at them when they dictated when and when not I could ttc.

Tell your dh to sort it out or I wouldn't bother going to the shitting wedding, I have to say I'd be raging with dh if he was as non reactive as yours, you will just have had a section and he can't be bothered that his brother and his bride are treating you as if you are an after thought.

Get the table plan sorted while your at it, don't ask just tell them your going with your friends obviously.

cees · 21/01/2013 20:16

I'm like this for you Angry but a little like this Hmm at you.

FryOneFatManic · 21/01/2013 20:22

Look, if it's a high risk pregnancy needing a CS to deliver the baby, there's no guarantee you'll be fit enough to attend a wedding. If you want to know more, run the idea past your midwife in an antenatal appointment. I'd guess she'll tell you it's a stupid idea to try and go.

And that's before all the practicalities mentioned already;
Airline restrictions on age of baby
Airline restrictions on your recovery before flying(eg medical advice online is 10 days)
obtaining birth certificate, which is needed to
obtain passport for baby

And there's all the stuff you need for baby, and so on.....

Send your DH and DD and you and baby recover at home.

cees · 21/01/2013 20:31

I really wouldn't bother if it were me, way to much stress at a time when you should be focused on new baby, bonding and recovering. Doesn't matter if they get all pissy with you, put yourself first.

feministefatale · 21/01/2013 20:36

She doesn't sound as though she really cares about you tbh. i wouldn't go.

feministefatale · 21/01/2013 20:37

oh and you are mad to be planning on traveling right after surgery with a newborn when you have no idea how it will go

YouOldSlag · 21/01/2013 20:50

Did I read that right? The bride and groom are telling you and your DH how to arrange his paternity leave?

They have gone power crazed. Tell them what you are willing to do and no more, and don't budge. My DH is also self employed and every time he has time off he loses £££. It's no joke and people who get 4 weeks paid annual leave often forget that a week off costs hundreds to us before we've even booked anything.

Your DH's time off goes to you and the baby. It is NOT to be shared around amongst a glassy eyed zealot in a veil and the dickhead in a tux.

YouOldSlag · 21/01/2013 20:51

Good point about your baby's passport actually. You might not be able to go. Oh dear! Smile

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 21/01/2013 21:00

Okay... I've been talking to my DH about this all evening and he's with me.

Plus googling about flying with a newborn after a c section and with all the stuff we'll need does seem ridiculous. (Especially as I won't be able to carry suitcases and stuff.)

Ugh... Why couldn't they just stay engaged!! Wink

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 21/01/2013 21:05

LOL at youoldslag's description of your ILs.

I had wondered about coping with travel recovering from a c section - when we fly it's exhausting carrying kids, collapsing buggies, pushing luggage trolleys etc.

ivykaty44 · 21/01/2013 21:05

It is so very thoughtless of them to organise a wedding when they knew you were ttc - really should not have been so thoughtless - tell them to reorganise for the winter Wink

TBH stay home and enjoy putting your feet up with all the relatives away for the wedding...

jojane · 21/01/2013 21:07

You will be trying to get a passport at the busiest time of the year! Waiting times normally double. You will also have to register birth and get cert before you do that, get passport photo of baby and forms signed etc. you'll be cutting it fine and even if you could go and get instant passport at passport office I dot think you can make appt until you have a date of birth for the applicant (baby) and due date doesn't count, by time baby is born it will be hard to get an appt so close.

TheCraicDealer · 21/01/2013 21:21

Eh, I hope your DH has told them that he isn't cutting his paternity leave in half and leaving you with a two year old and a newborn a week after major abdominal surgery.

And come on, how much arm twisting did it require to get them to spend two weeks in the Caribbean at your expense? This isn't the same at all! Tell then you'll organise a nice birthday tea for their one year old who won't remember it anyway DC.

What country are you flying to?

Pilgit · 21/01/2013 21:43

they've done the seating plan already for an august wedding...? and seriously can't switch people around? christ, our invites didn't go out till 6 weeks before (okay so wedding here not abroad) and people were still hadn't all RSVP'd 4 weeks before! Aside from all the practicalities of c section and new baby (which are more of an issue) this is hugely bridezilla - surely your PIL's could have words and point out that if you do make it you NOT having help will most likely mean disruption as one adult one 3 year old and a baby is not a quiet combination so is likely to disrupt the wedding - it really is in their interests to sit you with family and people your three your old gets on with (play to their obvious selfishness)

Delayingtactic · 21/01/2013 22:04

Umm will you be fit to fly? The normal recommendation is 6 weeks as you'll be at an increased PE/DVT risk. Plus have you run this by an insurance company? Some might either refuse or increase your premium stonkingly

Delayingtactic · 21/01/2013 22:22

Ok having googled it, it appears the CAA say cant fly for 10 days post abdominal surgery.

HollyBerryBush · 21/01/2013 22:25

You know - I just wouldnt go - dispatch DH and stay at home

NippyDrips · 21/01/2013 22:31

I really don't think you will get a baby passport by the time you have registered the birth, especially if you are recovering from a section.

Save your money and just send dh and Dd for the weekend.

wiltingfast · 21/01/2013 22:53

God what a nightmare, I'm the last person to say skip a wedding but it really is going to be tough and they don't sound at all realistic about what you need or at all thoughtful about what would be nice for you with your toddler and new baby and all or even realistic frankly.

A pp said to just keep saying "you really wish you could do more but it's just impossible" is bang on!

And is it really safe for you to fly? What about clots etc? Rule 1, take care of your health! No one can blame you for that surely?

JollyGolightly · 21/01/2013 22:54

I flew at one month after my c-section in order to attend a family funeral. It was horrendous; I couldn't lift or carry my own bags, the airline (sleazyjet) refused to help me with my buggy on the stairs OR let me use a lift, and although I was very lucky in that my recovery was brilliant, I was ruined with fatigue. And that was all without the toddler in tow. Your ILs are being massively unreasonable and it's time your DH spelled it out to them.

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