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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about BIL's wedding?

78 replies

curiousgeorgie · 21/01/2013 17:06

I've probably posted about this wedding before!

I'm expecting DD2 at the end of June / early July and BIL is getting married abroad in August.

My older DD (2) is a bridesmaid / flower girl and my DH is best man. I'll definitely be having a C Section with this baby as its a high risk pregnancy and I had one with DD.

We were planning on arriving on the Thursday afternoon, wedding on the Friday and then leaving on the Saturday with a lot of other family members for two nights in a capital city about three hours away.

I've just heard from SIL to be that my DH will have to be there the Friday before for a suit fitting, and that they are planning a first birthday party for her baby on the Monday afternoon. I said that we wouldn't be able to do that and she has gone mad.

DH is self employed and contracting for a company in London. He doesn't get paid paternity leave or paid holiday, so any time off is money we lose. He has been saving so as he can take 2 weeks off when I have the baby and then the few days around the wedding. To ask for an extra week unpaid, 7 more nights in a hotel, 7 more nights worth of newborn baby stuff.... Surely she is being unreasonable?

And she said that if we can go to another hotel for two nights after the wedding then we should have no problem just staying in her hometown so we can be at the birthday party instead. Due to the baby, my DH's leave and the wedding, those two days are the only holiday we're going to get and I'd rather not spend it in a wedding hotel in the middle of nowhere.

AIBU or is she? They both came abroad to our wedding six years ago and stayed two weeks (everyone did and we paid a portion of everyone's cost) but no one had children then and no worries about holiday pay!

OP posts:
pluCaChange · 21/01/2013 17:52

Oh, he has to match, does he? Oh, dear, I hate that aspect of wedding planning: it's such bloody unnecessary stress. (A bit like "buying a new outfit for a wedding" when you are only a guest... why?!)

hermioneweasley · 21/01/2013 17:53

Could you and new baby just stay home, and DH and DD just go for 72 hours? It sounds like it's turning into a nightmare. Don't know if you have any friends or family who could help while they're away.

RafflesWay · 21/01/2013 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TarkaTheOtter · 21/01/2013 18:06

I'd say that I think it will be too difficult to manage, and at best dh can go on his own (for the weekend only).

specialsubject · 21/01/2013 18:10

did I REALLY read that you were asked not to TTC in case you couldn't fly to the wedding?

tell them where to go. Holiday is precious, weddings are not that important. They didn't HAVE to go to yours.

scarletfingernail · 21/01/2013 18:14

I had a CS last year and needed my DH at home to help with our toddler if not me. I would not be happy with someone else suggesting how he should use his paternity leave Hmm

YANBU. You're making a huge effort to get to the wedding already. Stick to your plans, I'm sure something else can be arranged regarding your DH's suit.

irlouise13 · 21/01/2013 18:19

YANBU - I am having a c section next week and have a 2 year old - its my first section but everyone is telling me I need my dh home for more than 2 weeks. Agree with the others, just say you will send the measurements and be there for the days you planned to be there - that sounds like its going to be more than exhausting enough for you with recovery toddler and baby, not to mention the cost

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/01/2013 18:19

She's basically expecting your DH to take a week's unpaid leave and for you both to pay for 7 nights accommodation to go to a 1st birthday party. That is insane. I would go out of my way a fair bit to attend my DN's 1st birthday but not that extent and especially not a few weeks after a c-section. I think DH just needs to say sorry you can't make the birthday party.

On the suit question most of the men's outfitters' chains will let you get measured at any branch and let you collect from any branch too so that everyone has their own suit to try on in good time. Your DH shouldn't need to travel to organise his suit. Certainly Austin Read hire let us do this for our wedding.

Also I do think you can insist that you're with someone at the wedding who can give you a hand with the children. Rubbish to be sat with no one you know anyway but especially in your situation.

holidaysarenice · 21/01/2013 18:27

I wud probably stay to the monday as a comprimise as its only one more days leave. I wud book ur flights and email them then with this compromise. No way wud I go a week before.

Will you be over again before the wedding and the measuring could be then?

ChaoticintheNewYear · 21/01/2013 18:27

Your SIL2B is sounding more and more like a self centred bridezilla than I thought when reading your first post.

Please tell me your DH isn't considering pandering to the selfish cow and putting her wants before your needs. You are undergoing major abdominal surgery to safely deliver his baby FFS.

ENormaSnob · 21/01/2013 18:34

I would not be pandering to this silly bitch at all.

If it carried on we wouldn't be going.

Tricycletops · 21/01/2013 18:35

we were asked not to ttc in case it meant I couldn't fly to the wedding

Shock

One of our ushers flew in from Oz at 3pm the day before our wedding. He'd emailed his measurements and the hire shop had suits in the sizes either side on standby (as well as somebody to take hems up or down as required). It worked.

I don't think you need me to tell you your SIL is BU. I hated women like her when we were planning our wedding - they give all brides a bad name!

RubyrooUK · 21/01/2013 18:38

I think she is being a loon but this is what weddings do to people. I suspect that she feels they allocated two weeks to your wedding (no matter who paid) and wants the same in return.

Your DH can't only take one week off when you have a toddler and newborn following a c-section. But perhaps you could stay till Monday night for the sake of keeping the peace?

susanann · 21/01/2013 18:46

I think I would be tempted to pull out of the whole thing! but not fair on your dd i suppose! ggrrrr!

ApocalypseThen · 21/01/2013 18:54

I think it sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and decide the bottom line here, he can communicate your decision to them and oc they don't like it, tough. You don't have to go and you don't have to accept this bullying. It's only a wedding. It might be the biggest thing in their lives right now, but they have to accept that it really isn't for anyone else.

fackinell · 21/01/2013 19:17

Jeez OP I would be very tempted not to go at all. She is being totally U!! Your new baby should be at home as much as possible with all the home comforts and you should be recuperating. She should be thankful you are going at all. No compromises, she should accept your terms or GTF!! Angry

FryOneFatManic · 21/01/2013 19:29

Are you sure that you and baby will be fit to fly at the time of the wedding? I had DD by ELCS and I struggled to stand at 4 weeks after, I certainly woould not want the extra hassle of a wedding as well. I have noticed advice that you need to wait at least 10 days after CS before flying. And diff airlines will have their own guidance.

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2013 19:30

Leaving you on your own at the reception is the last straw,
Your DH and his parents need to have strong words with the pair of them.
Or I'd be cancelling...

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 19:40

Do you normally get on with the SIL to be as she certainly sounds like she doesn't like you Sad.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 21/01/2013 19:43

I do usually get on with her... She's been with BIL for about 9 years and we all go out, have holidayed together... I threw her a baby shower last year. This whole thing has been ridiculous.

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 21/01/2013 19:46

Will you be able to get a passport in time? And again check with airlines about fitness to fly. A colleague has just had to postpone his trip home with his wife who had their baby in November as she was not fit to fly.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 21/01/2013 19:47

Thanks, I'll look into it... I hadn't thought really about any practicalities! Blush

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 21/01/2013 19:48

Agree - if they are not prepared to sit you at another table, your DH needs to insist that he sits with you so he can help (if you decide you're still going.....)

nilbyname · 21/01/2013 19:51

She is in full on Bridezilla mode.

Table...i would switch my name card on the day, she wont notice or care.

I would gently tell BIL your plans are final and fixed, and have emailed DHs measurements. Just keep saying "I wish we could do more, but it is simply impossible", he will come up with another suggestion, and again, with a sigh "I wish we could do more, but it is simply impossible" Just don"t engage with him on that subject.

flossy101 · 21/01/2013 19:56

Jesus OP, she sounds like a crazy bridezila nightmare!

Yanbu!

Tell your DH to put his foot down with his sister. It's not for her to dictate how your DH spends his paternity Leave!

She might have gone to your wedding, but you are still making a massive effort going aboard with two babies so quickly after a c section!

Show your DH this thread and tell him that their demands are ridiculous and unreasonable!