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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have shouted at a women in the Asda toilet

425 replies

pinkmagic1 · 20/01/2013 20:11

Was in Asda this morning getting a bit of shopping for my nan and my 8 year old ds decided he needed the loo. Sometimes he uses the mans but sometimes he prefers to come with me into the ladies. I personally don't see a problem with this, he is only 8 ffs. However there was a women in there who whilst my ds was washing his hands and after looking at him like something she had scraped off the bottom of her shoe asked me how old my ds was. I told her he is 8, she then proceeded to tell me it was terrible that I should let him use the ladies and he should be able to manage perfectly well on his own! She then made a speedy exit and I shouted after her 'mind your own business you miserable cow!' I was really shook up by the whole incident but aibu?

OP posts:
ooer · 22/01/2013 09:02

Hello.

YANBU to take an 8-yr-old boy into the ladies toilet - have done it myself, not everywhere but places I think might be dodgy. (Our local toilet has an attendant who sits in an office between the ladies' and gents' so he went in the gents ' there no prob.) I wish it were otherwise but it ain't.

SWBU to give you an earful and then try to bugger off without giving you the opportunity (if you wanted it) to reply.

YANBU unreasonable to shout your reply after her although I prob would not have bothered.

YABU to swear at her.

I often thought of what I would say if challenged (no-one ever did) and it came down to - "yes he can manage on his own but there are a lot of funny people about and he's just a little boy". That was it in a nutshell really and not my having read a throwaway line in a novel about a little boy having been raped in the park toilets as his mother stood outside tapping her foot impatiently

chubbychipmonk · 22/01/2013 09:06

YANBU, there was an incident in the news recently where a young boy was sexually assaulted in ASDA toilets by a man (in the male toilets) while his mum waited outside for him. What difference does it make to her?? It's not as if he was crawling under the cubicle door to look at her peeing!

And I always get annoyed at myself for not saying things at the time so well done calling her a miserable cow. . That's exactly what she was!

DonderandBlitzen · 22/01/2013 10:07

Those who think it is wrong for an 8 year old to be in the loos with his mum, can you explain why this is? What is it you don't like about it or are worried about?

RandallPinkFloyd · 22/01/2013 10:25

No one will answer donde, I've asked about 3 times.

I think it's a secret!

ByTheWay1 · 22/01/2013 10:45

No one will answer the other question either - how old does a boy have to be to NOT ever go into a ladies toilet ?

To put it the other way round...I would not be happy sending MY 9 year old daughter to the LADIES toilets alone if I knew there were so many older boys "lurking" in there.... I take it these boys are not IN the cubicle with their mum - WHO knows what could be happening whilst they wait.... (yes said somewhat tongue in cheek, but where does it end - 14 year old boys in there "just in case" - how many mums of daughters would be happy with that scenario...)

DonderandBlitzen · 22/01/2013 11:26

I think pre teenage is fine. As a mum of daughters I would have absolutely no problem with a preteen boy in the loos with his mum with my daughters in there. Now will you tell us why you find the idea of an 8 year old boy in the loo with his mum unpalatable?

Wowserz129 · 22/01/2013 11:39

8 is too old to be in a female bathroom! He's more than old enough to go in to a toilet on his own. I honestly don't blame the women and its rather gutless to shout abuse once the women was leaving and have not just stated your point calmly once she had voiced hers!!

Moominsarescary · 22/01/2013 11:42

Ds2 is 9 nearly 10 and hasn't wanted to go into the women's toilets for a few years. Usually dp or ds1 will go with him.

However if I was on my own with him it would depend where we were.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 22/01/2013 11:43

But why are pre pubescent boys, accompanied by their mum, such a problem in the ladies?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 22/01/2013 11:48

8 isn't too old to be in the ladies toilets at all, how ridiculous. The lad could see women washing their hands in a kitchen or a hospital, should he be banned from them as well? Unless its his seeing a woman using the hand dryer thats the problem. Hmm

KatyPeril · 22/01/2013 12:15

YANBU.

ByTheWay1 · 22/01/2013 12:23

I asked my 9 year old DD - and she says she would be fine with a "little boy" - her definition being up to about 5 or 6 - in the same queue for the loo as her, but she would be "mortified" if a boy the same age as her went into the ladies, so perhaps those mums of boys should check there are no younger girls in there - why should girls feel uncomfortable when they are in the toilets allocated for their gender....

I never even thought about it before this thread, maybe because I have in RL never seen a boy over the age of about 5 in a ladies loo... must live in posh-town... Though I have been through airports/railways etc too...

PessaryPam · 22/01/2013 12:43

BupcakesAndCunting What actually IS the problem with an 8 year old using the women's bogs? It's not like we women walk around with our fanjos out inside the toilet compound. What is he going to see? Some ladies handwashing? Racy.

Yes, I don't get it either. It's not exactly like we adopt the ancient Roman approach. I mean, we have cubicles and everything.
www.show.me.uk/site/news/STO1206.html

BupcakesAndCunting · 22/01/2013 12:54

Cor, I like the Roman bog! Imagine sitting and having a natter with the person next to you, about last night's Corrie/price of spuds, whilst you curl one out!

KevinFoley · 22/01/2013 12:57

The issue I have with older boys also using women's loos is the already long queues (what do women do in there???) will only get longer. While the men's will be pristine tumbleweedy affairs.

hopeful92 · 22/01/2013 13:01

You were both being unreasonable.

She was being unreasonable for questioning you taking your 8yo into the ladies.

You were being unreasonable for shouting at her in front of your DS.

If I were you I would just forget about the whole incident and move on :)

PessaryPam · 22/01/2013 13:05

Now if the OP had run after the old slag and smashed her face in that would have BU. Her actual actions I feel were within the realms of reasonable.

MrsBungleBear · 22/01/2013 13:09

I have seen this a few times on here now. I have still never heard anyone answer what the problem is with having young boys in the ladies toilets?

The toilets are in cubicles. I have visited many public toilets and am yet to see the naked women prancing about in them.

I just don't get the outrage at all.

Anyway, so I think YANBU to take your 8yo into the ladies with you. However YWBU to shout at her but you probably know that.

ByTheWay1 · 22/01/2013 13:33

Depends on your view of "young" ... to me 8 -10 are not that young that they could not go to the gents solo... I'm a dinner lady at school and some 9 year olds are as tall as me!

I personally would not want my petite 9 year old daughter to feel uncomfortable going to the toilet alone - in toilets allocated to her own gender - because a 5 foot 3, 9 year old is deemed too young to go to his own toilets ...... if a parent is worried about "unsavoury" sorts in there, they could always check.... but no - heaven forbid a grown woman is made to feel uncomfortable in checking a male toilet, lets make some girls and old ladies feel uncomfortable instead....

Why do girls have to be made to feel uncomfortable because of the fears of boy's mothers.

That is why I do not think boys of 8 and over should not be in the ladies loo... (incidentally, I have had reason to remove my top in the ladies when scalding hot coffee was spilled on it - so yes, sometimes ladies do "get their baps out" outside a cubicle)

Picturesinthefirelight · 22/01/2013 14:00

You see to me an 8-9 year old boy is young. Not mature enough to know how to get out if trouble. Innocent enough to take people at face value and certainly in the case if ds not physically able to manage heavy doors etc meant for adults.

Are there really 9 year olds who are 5ft 3????? I'm only 5 four 4.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 22/01/2013 14:11

What do you think an 8yo boy is going to think about you in the toilet 'getting your baps out' that a grown woman or an 8yo girl wouldn't think?

I have had more 'issue' with 2/3/4yo children looking under cubicle doors than anything else, should we ban them all from toilets too.

Does your DD feel uncomfortable in shop queues with boys too bytheway?

PessaryPam · 22/01/2013 14:17

Bytheway, your petite 9 year old daughter??? Have you issued her with pearls to clutch yet?

ByTheWay1 · 22/01/2013 14:19

Are these the same 8-10 year olds who are cub scouts, away at camp, going sailing, building bridges, responsible for showering themselves, using cruddy toilet blocks - with the same heavy doors etc....

Or at their evening meetings in the youth centre at our village hall are they expected to use the ladies, because one of the hired halls is in use with lots of men (and a few of us women) doing mixed-martial-arts training, and another games room holds the youth club ? - lots of "unsavoury sorts" there...

(the boys would not dream of using the ladies - and their mummies are not there to worry about it)

voddiekeepsmesane · 22/01/2013 14:19

And now we come to the hub of it. Why the hell should my 8 year old make anyone feel "uncomfortable" by being in a ladies toilet??!!

Ariel24 · 22/01/2013 14:20

OP YANBU, ok perhaps calling her a miserable cow wasn't your finest hour but her comments would have pissed me off too. Nothing wrong with your DS using the ladies, he is a child there with his mum, what sort of adult female has a problem with this?

Even if she didn't like it, I don't know why she thought she had the right to make comments like that, none of her business is it. She should have kept her mouth shut.

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