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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP doesn't need to go to the shop EVERY day?

92 replies

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat · 20/01/2013 14:08

DP is the SAHD, I go out to work. We live within walking distance of 3 well known supermarkets, the closest being Co-Op, the most expensive of the 3.

When I work, he has my bank card. Although our finances are 'together' and equally ours, my account is the spending one. But, my bugbear is that he will go to Co-Op every day. Pick up littles bits of this, that and the other. We do a shop in the bigger supermarket every week but he still manages to find a need for stuff every day. My account looks like it's having an affair with the bloody place!

So, I've said to him, stop. What he thinks we run out of during the week, we will get more of during the weekly shop. I've also said I will withdraw maybe £30/40 each month for 'emergencies' from said shop.

AIBU to make this rule? I'm fed up with constant 'drip, drip' of money leaving my account, it's not cost effective is it?!

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 20/01/2013 14:13

maybe he does it more to get out of the house than because he actually needs specific items.

NatashaBee · 20/01/2013 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay · 20/01/2013 14:16

He sounds bored and needs out tbh. how old are the children/child he stays at home for, does he use the stuff he buys or is it going to waste, I would leave it you can't ut of his money like he is a naughty boy ,

sookiesucksvamps · 20/01/2013 14:16

My dp goes every day with the dog just to get away from me and the kids I think. He just enjoys the fresh air and quite likes getting last minute price cuts late evening.

mrsjay · 20/01/2013 14:17

cut off*

Original poster
JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat · 20/01/2013 14:17

He takes DS out everyday but to pop into the place isn't necessary every time. I know it's easily done when it is practically on your doorstep but surely it shouldn't be part of when him and DS go out?

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 20/01/2013 14:17

YABU and controlling (sorry)

Why is it not cost-effective? Do you get charged per transaction? If so, withdraw a set amount of cash each week for these trips. Or transfer a set amount to his account every month.

You haven't said you can't affford it, you just object to the daily-ness of it. But so what? He's the SAHP, I don't think you should control his daily habits.

emsyj · 20/01/2013 14:19

YABU to 'make a rule' for him, he's not a child. If you can't afford the regular trips to a local, more expensive than usual, shop, then you do need to discuss it and come to an arrangement - but if my DH 'made a rule' unilaterally for me, telling me where I could and could not shop/go/how often etc whilst I was at home (I am not a SAHM incidentally, but will be at home on mat leave very soon) I would be livid.

We live within walking distance of shops. I quite often used to wander around the shops with DD in the pram when she was small and no doubt I spent bits and bobs in Home & Bargain and Sainsbury's when it wasn't urgently required, but only ever on stuff we would use eventually anyway.

mrsjay · 20/01/2013 14:19

maybe it is a routine when they go out what is he buying when dds were little I used to pop into the shop most days for bits and bobs,

dreamingbohemian · 20/01/2013 14:19

x-post

Why shouldn't it be part of when he and DS go out? No harm popping into the shop with your son.

Seriously, you need to leave him to get on with it.

HollyBerryBush · 20/01/2013 14:20

I go to the shop every day. If I went weekly I would have no where to store 16 2 litre bottles of milk, as I only want 2 a day, and 3 on weekends, I go every day.

Why can't he pop to the shop every day? what is your issue with it? why are you managing his time so much?

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2013 14:21

Then sort it so it doesn't come out of 'your' account if it bugs you that much.

I go to the supermarket every day and if DH 'told me to stop', I'd tell him to fuck right off to be fair.

You sound rather controlling.

mrsjay · 20/01/2013 14:21

in fact thinking about it I am at the corner shop most days for bread and milk and whatnot even though we go shopping ,

cory · 20/01/2013 14:21

Different things are cost effective for different people. I always found doing one huge shop ended up more expensive because I get more careless about buying non-essentials if I am spending a lot of money anyway; also going down frequently meant I could keep up with bargains. Other people might be tempted to spend more if they shop frequently.

mrsjay · 20/01/2013 14:22

and he may get all the best gossip at the co op not that i do that or anything Grin

NatashaBee · 20/01/2013 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat · 20/01/2013 14:23

It's a mixture of both essentials and then will see something on offer and buy that too. We sat down this morning after I checked my online banking to find 5 payments to Co-op over a 3 day period. I said about it needing to be less, we can buy more of things like bread/milk/potatoes etc and freeze the extras. But, as he cooks most nights too, he thinks to himself 'oh I fancy ..... for dinner', will go buy extra ingredients when we have enough in the house for a variety of meals.

Can you see where I'm coming from?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 20/01/2013 14:25

Can you see where I'm coming from?

I suppose a little bit what you then need to do is not do a weekly shop and let him get on with it so no food is sitting in the freezer then he can cook what he fancies

mrsjay · 20/01/2013 14:25

could not need*

HollyBerryBush · 20/01/2013 14:26

I can well imagine the turn of this thread if the earner was the male and the shopper was the female.

DumSpiroSpero · 20/01/2013 14:27

Can you afford the little extras?

And how good is his cooking?! Grin

I can see where you're coming from, but if he's at home all day with the kids, cooking a meal is probably a nice, adult, creative thing to do that breaks the monotony a bit.

usualsuspect · 20/01/2013 14:27

I think you need to leave him alone.He's all grown up and can go the the shop whenever he likes.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 20/01/2013 14:27

I don't like the idea of you setting a "rule", you're not his mother! Decide between the two of you the best way to do it.

When i was first a sahm i popped to the shop loads, mostly at my dhs request, because we were still quite unorganized.

Now we plan meals for the week and work out how much bread, milk etc we get through and have it all delivered. I still have to go to the shop, particularly if Im having people over that i hadn't planned for, but its much less.

It may be your card but that doesn't put you in control. You need to figure this out as a couple. Otherwise its creepy and controlling.

emsyj · 20/01/2013 14:27

Do you waste food? If he changes his mind about what to cook for dinner, but what you already have in is slung in the freezer, used the next day etc then I don't see the issue. If he throws out a perfectly good packet of sausages because today he saw mince on offer and fancied a bolognese then it's something to address.

You haven't answered the question of whether you can afford it... How much extra is it costing for him to shop in his preferred way?

You could agree together a weekly budget for food and then let him decide how to spend it - but really, if he does the shopping and cooking then he should decide how that gets done and you shouldn't interfere.

k75 · 20/01/2013 14:27

My oh is the sahd too, i cant imagine telling him, how and when to shop. Does he tell you how to work? Would you like this kind of feedback.