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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to throw something at DP's DB

179 replies

GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 02:28

My DP's DB has some unfortunate incidents Hmm resulting in him now living back at home (with my DP and their Mum). He sleeps in the room directly next to where my DP and I sleep (I stay over quite a lot). It is currently about 2AM and he (DB) has returned from wherever he has been (I assume the pub) with a girl who he has been (ahem) seeing. I don't mind this, he is entitled to do what he liked with whoever he likes.

However, he had (clearly) woken me up as well as my DP as his understanding of the words 'quiet' and 'whisper' are nonexistent. The girl he's with is worse, her voice is just so loud and (I hate to say it) really chavy. They have put a film on though they are chatting over it.

The thing I hate most us that there's no consideration for. Anyone else in the house (bungalow so all rooms b close). My DP has work in the morning (chef- split shift tomorrow) and I can tell that he is not asleep.

AIBU to want to go and thump the (ahem) twonk and tell him to shut the hell up because he is keeping everyone up! He wakes me and DP up all the time, once before with this girl and many other times just by him and his loud mouth! This is excluding many other very selfish, disgusting and rude things that he has dome/does. It's not fair on my DP and I want to just through something at him!!

Sorry, I know this is long and probably seems pathetic, but it's really affecting my DP Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:07

Helga - I totally agree. It's not my place to talk to DB (I wouldn't dare, I find him quite scary sometimes but that's a different issue). I might get some earplugs as you suggests haha :)

OP posts:
HelgatheHairy · 20/01/2013 12:09

And yes, your partner could say something. But he chose for whatever reason not to.

Living with people that aren't your family takes compromise. From his behaviour your DPs DB either hasn't adapted back to living at home or feels that as he's oldest he can do what he wants. It doesn't sound that If you went in there that there would be a good outcome (he'd probably turn up the television). Everything feels magnified at 2am.

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:09

McNew - It's not that they don't approve as such, I just think that my DM would be more comfortable if he didn't stay. DF wouldn't mind at all. This is combined with his late working hours and my parents going to bed earlier. It would be more of a faff iyswim :)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/01/2013 12:11

My goodness you're a guest in someone else's family home.

It's not for you to kick up a fuss about this.

If you don't like it then don't stay there...and if your DP doesn't like it then it's his place to complain - not yours.

And to whoever suggested she 'chap the door' and ask them to keep the noise down...yeah right I can just imagine what my response would have been to my brother's girlfriend doing that in my home!

maddening · 20/01/2013 12:12

But the db isn't YOUR or your dp's guests - he is living in his own home.

The mother is the one who could dictate but as she isn't I assume she isn't affected?

So then your dp could speak to his mother as the home owner or his brother as an equal housemate, for want of another word, to discuss house rules.

As a guest your only gripe is with your host which is your dp - your options are let him deal with it or don't stay over.

It would not be appropriate for you to raise it with anyone else.

McNewPants2013 · 20/01/2013 12:12

But why is that.

You feel like you can sort out your DP family home, but can't tackle your own mother who treats you like a child despite you being an adult.

FutTheShuckUp · 20/01/2013 12:14

Out of interest how old are you?

waltermittymissus · 20/01/2013 12:16

How odd! Of course wanting to sleep and study is not spoilt!

However, expecting to stay rent free at your boyfriend's mother's house while you won't allow him to stay at yours and then bitching about someone who has an actual entitlement to be there instead of just being there for shafting: that's spoilt.

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:16

McNew- she doesn't treat me like a child, she has never said that he can't stay, on the contrary my DF says he more than welcome whenever. I just get a vibe from DM that she prefers him not to stay. I think that she wished I was still a child and this has something to do with it, but that's what happens sometimes when children grow up, isn't it. I can't control DMs feelings. I just try not to cause unnecessary stress to her.

I don't see keeping noise levels down as 'sorting out' DP family. They don't need sorted out, just hushed tones on the odd occassion might be nice - not just for me but DP as well.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 20/01/2013 12:17

Replace shafting with shagging, though the essentials remain the same!

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:20

walter - you are mistaken. I don't 'not allow' DP at my house. As I have said, I feel that my DM would be more comfortable if he didn't stay, his work (and mine for that matter) is closer to his house and his late hours lend themselves to going to his rather than mine.
Also, about staying rent free. As said previously, I offered to pay! What more can I do if I am told No?
Again, I'm not bitching about DB being there or doing whatever he likes with whoever he likes, just the time and volume he does it at. It's not just me that is affected. DP is 'entitled' as you put it, to be repsected in his family home.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:20

haha walter - i was wondering what shafting meant :) thought i was out of the loop lol

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/01/2013 12:21

I'm guessing this really doesn't bother your DP much and you're using him as an excuse.

If and when it ever starts to bother him I'm sure he'll speak up.

You on the other hand need to put up or ship out.

McNewPants2013 · 20/01/2013 12:21

Well if your mum has said it ok for him to stay, then start staying at your house.

His work maybe a longer commute, but I would prefer to get up earlier than have a disturbed night.

waltermittymissus · 20/01/2013 12:22

Or he could be a big boy and move out.

A longer bus journey perhaps but then you and he wouldn't have to worry about the big, bad brother having the audacity to watch tv. In his own room. In his mother's house.

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:22

It does bother him - Worra. I very much bothers him. He doesn't feel as though he could have said anything useful last night that would have made any difference. He is very grumpy when sleep deprived

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:27

walter - he can't move out. He has no money!! FWIW, DB sleeps in the living room and the TV is right up against the wall where DPs bed is. Telly less than a metre away from our heads.

Many people have said that I don't pay rent so can't moan. DB doesn't pay rent at all either, depsite DP does. Shouldn't that mean that DB should respect DP as he actually pays to live there, while DB scrounges 'like me' :/

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 20/01/2013 12:30

No, it shouldn't.
Because it's his mother's home and it's up to her what people do with it.

Like I said earlier, if you don't like it, stay at home!

ConfusedPixie · 20/01/2013 12:32

Going: As it's already been stated, your DP should deal with it, it's not for you to deal with really.

RE where to go, you get buses, unreliable means you get an earlier bus until you learn to drive. You make allowances, you look at things differently. You sound like me three years ago when I ended up living with my parents and boyfriend at the time for 6 months. I gave up in the end and got work away from home again! But whilst there I got stuck in a circle of excuses as to why I couldn't do this, that or the other, why I couldn't get out of my parents house, why I couldn't get a job, etc. I had an answer for everything and just couldn't see around it or remove myself from the situation mentally to get a different idea or viewpoint. You really have to listen to what other people are suggesting and look at how it could possibly work, and how you could make it work.
At the very least realise there are others in similar situations who do it differently which means that you can too so no more excuses. Think outside of the box and your attitude towards it will change.

RE apprenticeship, there are other options, you can continue apprenticeships with other employers if need be. There are other mainstream schools and special needs schools near you that would pay for the aprenticeship, they are usually in need of extra staff for SEN students, especially those who want to be in that field of work.

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:47

Confused - I agree. I don't intend to go in 'all guns blazing' and try to deal with it myself. I would get lynched by DB!

I do drive, but my insurance would be around £1000 which is just not feasable. I already cycle to work, DP walks mostly. Jobs in my area for TAs are not too forthcoming, I am looking for jobs for next year, no luck so far. Hopefully things will get better soon though

Thanks for the advice people :)

OP posts:
andtheycalleditbunnylove · 20/01/2013 12:48

I think bunny is Muslim not Christian from previous threads. I find it odd that people like her have such extreme view about sex.

clarification - i'm Christian, church of england, not active at the moment but always potentially so, when i find a vicar who doesn't annoy the hell out of me.
i've been deeply interested in world religions for over 40 years. if a person can have a 'favourite' religion other than their own, mine is Islam. its clear, straightforward, promotes decency and offers people hope. yes, it has some dodgy bits, but so do they all.

sex - i am not hoodwinked by current trends in western liberal society which says 'all people are entitled to all sex at all times and at all places'. oh, apart from sex with children. depending on how long you think childhood lasts. here in the uk, its to 16 but is it spain where its 12? arbitrary.

we cover our bodies. we have 'private parts', termed so because we keep them private. what we do with them, we also keep private. we don't flaunt sex in front of our parents, their neighbours or friends. it is private. we conduct our sex lives privately. that isn't extreme. its normal. the exhibitionism is extreme.

when a woman lives with an adult son and without a husband, sometimes the boundaries become blurred - who is actually in charge in the house? the woman might depend on the son for support. therefore she might accept his disrespectful behaviour. but, if he honoured his mother as he should, he would only bring a wife to her house, not any other kind of passing creature.

daughters likewise, would bring a marriage partner but no other. and daughters who are properly cared for would not be wandering free at night, looking for some youth with a bed.

rent paid to parents by the way, is rarely the going rate. if i've kept you for twenty years, just because you give me fifty pounds a week does not mean you're entitled to bring sex partners into my house.

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:53

I think the difference is, bunny, that I'm not considered a 'passing creature' or a 'sex partner'. I understand your pint of view, but I think that my DP and his DM would disagree with you. FWIW, bunny, we weren't having sex last night. Does that count in my favour Wink
I myself am a Christian, but I do not believe that God will 'look down' on me for my actions. I believe that he sees a loving relationship between two people, not meaningless sex between passing people.
We are all entitled to our opinions though :)

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 20/01/2013 12:59

You are just his girlfriend though, aren't you? I'm sure there's been more before you.

Bunny:

when a woman lives with an adult son and without a husband, sometimes the boundaries become blurred - who is actually in charge in the house?

The woman who owns the house, obviously.

Don't derail the thread with your stupid outdated, sexist opinions.

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 13:01

I agree walter, his DM is definately in charge. There's no reason for her not to be.
And as to 'ther others', there's been one. Hardly a motorway fro sexual promiscuity is it Wink

OP posts:
fluffywhitekittens · 20/01/2013 13:03

Just out of interest if the OP was married and not "just shacking up with" her P would that make a difference to some of you?