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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to throw something at DP's DB

179 replies

GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 02:28

My DP's DB has some unfortunate incidents Hmm resulting in him now living back at home (with my DP and their Mum). He sleeps in the room directly next to where my DP and I sleep (I stay over quite a lot). It is currently about 2AM and he (DB) has returned from wherever he has been (I assume the pub) with a girl who he has been (ahem) seeing. I don't mind this, he is entitled to do what he liked with whoever he likes.

However, he had (clearly) woken me up as well as my DP as his understanding of the words 'quiet' and 'whisper' are nonexistent. The girl he's with is worse, her voice is just so loud and (I hate to say it) really chavy. They have put a film on though they are chatting over it.

The thing I hate most us that there's no consideration for. Anyone else in the house (bungalow so all rooms b close). My DP has work in the morning (chef- split shift tomorrow) and I can tell that he is not asleep.

AIBU to want to go and thump the (ahem) twonk and tell him to shut the hell up because he is keeping everyone up! He wakes me and DP up all the time, once before with this girl and many other times just by him and his loud mouth! This is excluding many other very selfish, disgusting and rude things that he has dome/does. It's not fair on my DP and I want to just through something at him!!

Sorry, I know this is long and probably seems pathetic, but it's really affecting my DP Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 11:25

I don't doubt that I have disturbed him once or twice. The point is that I will have disturbed him at, perhaps, 10 or 11pm, while he has disturbed me and my dp for 3 and a half hours at 2am. There's a difference.

OP posts:
ConfusedPixie · 20/01/2013 11:26

Going: How old are you? & have you looked at renting a studio flat or room? You seem to be ignoring anything that refers to renting accomodation.

Lovebunny: Really? There is a difference between sleeping around and havign a long term partner...

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 11:28

Thanks MooMoo, I appreciate the support :)

OP posts:
RuleBritannia · 20/01/2013 11:30

Another one here to support Bunny. It's all about decency, how to behave and standards. It brings to mind 'How To Bring Up Your Child'.

If we brought back values like 'no children before marriage' but not ostracising the girl if it does happen, the world would be a better place. Children would have both parents not a couple arguing over who looks after it with SS involved.

I suppose I do disapprove of lone parents unless they are widows or divorced. They can't help being lone parents. Unmarried girls can.

Sorry, off basic topic.

ConfusedPixie · 20/01/2013 11:31

Moomoo: "Shut up and move out" is, in essence, a lot simpler than it's made out to be. As I said to OP myself, I am in a very similar situation and we live in the SE where things are expensive yet have managed to rent a room. That's what I call living in the real world. Yes some people find it better to live with family, but if that's the case then you suck it up if you're living in somebody elses house rent free or get your partner to talk about expectations and if those expectations aren't fulfilled you move out.

waltermittymissus · 20/01/2013 11:32

I think perhaps it's time you all stopped treating this poor woman's home like a hotel!

You don't stay at your parents' house because they wouldn't like it but hey ho his mother doesn't matter!

You all need to grow up! And, to be fair, her other son has as much right to be there as your boyfriend and way more right than you.

Have your booty calls elsewhere and you won't be disturbed!

thebody · 20/01/2013 11:35

My Dcs have always managed to rent a room both at uni and after..

You don't need to save up or get on the housing ladder to move out.

Think its convenient for op to doss rent free between nice houses but she resents the fact that db is a permanent fixture.

Why are you ignoring all advice to rent a room op?

Xales · 20/01/2013 11:38

Erm well she didn't just come around to his house for sex did she? They were watching a film and chatting ie spending time together.

Sort of like the things I would imagine you and your DP do when not doing the shagging?

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 11:43

I work full time as an apprentice so earn approx £5000 a year while also studying part time with the OU which I have to save for. Even if I only rented a room, there's no way I could possibbly save for my degree. I pay rent to my parents but at a subsidised rate because they want to support me while I study. Even combined with DPs minimum wage job, we live in an expensive area. We have looked into it, but it's not feasable it the moment.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 20/01/2013 11:46

Then stop going around to their family home, a family that the brother is part of and you're not, and stay at home.

If your parents don't like him staying over, then he doesn't stay over!

You both need to stop feeling like you can dictate what happens with the brother. If it were me, and your boyfriend told me to keep it down because his girlfriend woke up, I would tell him exactly where you and he could fuck off to!

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 11:47

Xales - I don't mind her chatting and spending times with him obviously. Me and my dp do do this when 'not...shagging'. But not at top-volume at 2AM.

OP posts:
thebody · 20/01/2013 11:50

Then rent in a less expensive area!!!!!!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/01/2013 11:53

YABU

If you want a decent sleep then go to your own house.

I find it bizarre that you are still living with your parents and yet behaving as if you are the one in charge!

ConfusedPixie · 20/01/2013 11:54

Again, you probably can rent a room with that money between you. Your situation looks even more similar to mine with that info! The only way you are going to get a say in where you stay and behaviours of housemates is if you become independent, relying on his family for accommodation (for free!) means that you cannot dictate. You could be silly and do as I suggested earlier which is compete and/or knock and ask to keep the noise down, but it's ultimately up to your DPs Mum who is in the house just as it is up to your parents who stays at theirs.

Why are you doing an apprenticeship and studying with the OU at the same time, out of curiosity, what is it you're doing? & why are you not getting loans? They are a pig, but they help significantly towards life costs! Do you pay rent at your parents house?

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 11:55

Ok, so what about this scenario. I didn't wake up, DP did. Would it be unreasonable for DP to be annoyed at DB making loads of noise at 2AM and want to tell him to shut up? He lives there, pays rent, is family and has work in the morning.

I don't think that this would be an unreasonable thing to be annoyed at.

The situation I am in is the same as this, but I woke up also. I just happened to be the one 'telling the story'. DP is equally as annoyed.

I don't see how some people here can think it's unreasonable that, for example, some people ask their guests to take off their shoes in their home, but talking at top-volume at 2AM doesn't seem a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 11:59

thebody - Where??? I have a job and so does DP. He can't get a job, I would love him too, he is trying so hard to get another job. I can't leave my job otherwise I will lose half a qualification that my work are paying for and won't get another job without this qualification.
I cannot drive to work, buses are very unrelaible in my area. Where do you suggest I go??

OP posts:
PessaryPam · 20/01/2013 11:59

I think bunny is Muslim not Christian from previous threads. I find it odd that people like her have such extreme view about sex.

waltermittymissus · 20/01/2013 11:59

Except he's not your guest, or your boyfriend's.

Grow up. Seriously. You sound like a spoilt brat!

You don't get any prizes in life for studying and working. Your not the only one doing it. Others (like me) have done it while living somewhere that we could dictate rules in!

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:00

Yes I pay rent at my parents house. I mentioned that. I am doing an apprenticeship (Teaching Assistant working with SEN children) as I can then become a qualified TA and get experience in schools, while doing an OU degree to then become a teacher.

OP posts:
HelgatheHairy · 20/01/2013 12:02

When DH was still just DB, I stayed with him at his family home every weekend. Prior to him being with me, his ex actually lived there full time. His two brothers also lived at home. His parents had no problem with it (well, they hated the ex but had no problem with her living there or me staying over). (I'm also Irish and here it's VERY common in rural areas for both men and women to live at home until they have the money to build their own house. Moving out to rent is only now becoming something people do.)

It's from that background I'm giving my advice goingbacktoschool

Unfortunately, you can't say anything to the brother. I'd invest in really good earplugs. If you say something you will cause an issue and make you being there very uncomfortable. It's up to either your DB or his mother to say something. They are being very inconsiderate and I feel for you (I'm not good if my sleep is disturbed) but its really not your place to say anything.

One other bit of advise - AIBU is very scary (I've never had the guts to post here!) so well done for not running away in the face of some frankly scary judgemental people (bunny I'm looking at you)

PessaryPam · 20/01/2013 12:03

Surely it's up to the brothers Mum whether the sons are allowed to have partners over. As she is OK with it I don't think it's reasonable for some posters to say they are a depraved family. We allow our adult girls to have friends of either sex stay with them in their rooms and we are not depraved.

Original poster
GoingBackToSchool · 20/01/2013 12:04

I don't want to dictate rules walter - I don't see 'if you are awake at 2AM with guests, you should talk in hushed voices so as to respect others' as a 'rule'. I know that others study as well, but I don't see how that's relevant to a sleeping-issue question :/

Is it spoilt to want to sleep? I think you ABU on that one.
Is it spoilt to want an education? No.

OP posts:
McNewPants2013 · 20/01/2013 12:05

Doesn't your patents approve of you relationship.

Because I would be mighty pissed off if I was paying rent to my parents and not allowed to have a long term partner stay in the room I pay for.

McNewPants2013 · 20/01/2013 12:05

Parents not patents

PessaryPam · 20/01/2013 12:06

Yes McNew so would I.