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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To HATE my husband's thick orange beard???

132 replies

SplitHeadGirl · 19/01/2013 19:44

My husband has grown a really thick beard that covers half his face and completely covers his mouth. He has gone from being gorgeous (like a young Richard Armitage) to looking like a scruffy, unkempt pensioner who has had a really hard life!

I told him weeks ago (stubble stage) that as it was his face, he could of course grow a beard, whatever he wanted and I would support him. BUT....I hadn't counted on how it has affected my physical feelings about him. I find him unattractive and strange to look at, like I don't know him. :( I miss the face I fell in love with.

He is a lot grumpier now too and as he now looks older he has started to ACT older and I wonder if losing his young looks (he could easily get them back if he shaved that damn thing off his face) has made him lose his young personality.

I am cross with myself as I KNOW it is just facial hair and I would hate it if he didn't find me attractive anymore for some stupid physical reason. He has even joined a beard forum (a beard board) where he and a bunch of other guys post pics of themselves and support and encourage each other's beard growth!!!!

Shouldn't I just get over it??? I feel like I am being unreasonable...but I hate that I can't see his beautiful face anymore and that he has changed so much and I hate that I don't find him attractive like this.:(

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/01/2013 19:48

If it is a turn off, tell him so. Or tell him your neighbour asked how long his dad (or yours) is visiting for.

Original poster
SplitHeadGirl · 19/01/2013 19:56

Haha...brilliant!!! I am 13 years older than him and people have commented how I now look the young one in the relationship.

sigh he has started to wonder why I make excuses not to make love to him. I just wish I could get over it but when it is right there on his face glaring at me every day it isn't something i can just forget about.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/01/2013 20:05

Well just say you can't stand him, er, giving you oral pleasure now. Did this start off as a moustache for 'Movember'?

StickEmUp · 19/01/2013 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lindsay321 · 19/01/2013 20:12
Shock

This is exactly what happened to the dad in The Amityville Horror.

You haven't moved house recently have you OP?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 19/01/2013 20:21

Just tell him it's turning you off physically. It's not like it's deliberate, or that you knew it would happen beforehand, and you can't help how you feel.
Give him the facts, preferably as unemotionally as you can, and make sure he knows you still love him, but it's the physical feel and sight of his beard that is putting you off.
Then let him decide what he wants to do. Hopefully he'll decide he'd rather have sex like very naughty rabbits until the mattress catches fire with you than the beard.
If not, wait until next time he pisses you off and immac half his chin in his sleep Wink

(Disclaimer, I don't mean it, don't tell me it's abuse please)

parakeet · 19/01/2013 20:22

Hah, I knew you would get people lecturing you that you have no business telling him what to do with his face. But you can't help it if you don't fancy him any more.

I suggest the following. First, stop having sex. Refuse his advances each time by gently saying you're not in the mood. When and only when, he initiates a conversation about how you're never in the mood these days, say you're sorry, you know it's wrong to feel like this, and you're not trying to dictate his personal grooming or anything, BUT... [significant pause, look apologetic]... you're finding the beard a bit of a turn-off.

MrsMushroom · 19/01/2013 20:29

I had this and fully understand your feelings. I HATED my DHs beard. They're bloody awful and they attract food!

I harped gently on and on about it I'm afraid. He shaved it off.

FrantasticO · 19/01/2013 20:33

Poor you.
In A word NO. Yanbu.
Good luck in taming the beast!

redexpat · 19/01/2013 20:33

Buy him a copy of The Twits by Roald Dahl?

SashaSashays · 19/01/2013 20:39

YANBU I hate beards. They are gross, I find it really hard talking to anyone with a large beard.

DH knows I would see this as grounds for divorce, they repulse me.

MissMarplesMaid · 19/01/2013 20:40

Did the grumpiness start before the beard or vice versa? Is he looking after the beard or is it getting unkempt?

Beards dont cause mood changes but mood changes can cause beards (ancient DH wisdom!).

Chottie · 19/01/2013 20:44

I hate beards too, they look smelly and unkempt. I know this is totally irrational. BF husband has one and I swear I have seen food bits in it. >

Hassled · 19/01/2013 20:45

My head says you're being really shallow and it's the same man you fell in love with; you shouldn't allow a change in his physical appearance to affect how you feel to this extent.

My heart says this isn't shallow - we all get together with people, initially at least, because of a physical attraction and that remains important throughout.

As to what you can actually do - I dunno. I take it you've tried the full and frank conversation? Or are you scared of going there (I wouldn't blame you)?

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits · 19/01/2013 20:46

I was "nice" to my dh about his desparate dan beard for five years,
I should have gently told him it was hideous close up.
He never took the hint(s)Sad

Tell him it is getting between you both. Mind you if hes bonded with other blokes,it'll be hard. That kind of guy love can be hard to overcome.

AKissIsNotAContract · 19/01/2013 20:48

Why don't you join him and grow one yourself?

coldinthesun · 19/01/2013 20:49

Kissing a beard is HORRID.

YANBU

cocoachannel · 19/01/2013 20:49

Is he a deep sleeper? If so, one word, Immac.

Beamur · 19/01/2013 20:52

If my DP looked like Richard Armitage under a beard then I'd be doing whatever was necessary in order to get him to shave it off....
Tell him you find him much more attractive without it. It's up to him if he keeps it or not.

Original poster
SplitHeadGirl · 19/01/2013 20:53

Thanks everyone. :)

Lol @ Amityville Horror....at least he suited the beard (I quite fancied him). My OH's beard is thick and wiry and orange - he is only in his mid twenties and I just think it is so ageing on him. It makes him look very serious and old.

I think I will say to him - tactfully - how I feel. It is a bit of a conundrum coz I do support his full right to do what he wants to his face or body, but I just don't fancy him like this. I just wish my heart was in tangent with my head.

He said he is going to grow it as thick as he can for another 12 weeks. Oh help.

OP posts:
StickEmUp · 19/01/2013 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SplitHeadGirl · 19/01/2013 21:01

He looks after the beard...he sits stroking it (ugh) but it just looks wrong on such a young man. It is so thick that even though he grooms, he looks untidy and like he smells. He wears glasses in the evenings and honestly you would think it was some old guy sitting there, when in actual fact he is one of the most gorgeous looking men .. I agree with the guy love thing on the beard board - he has 'bonded' with these people and talks like they are in some kind of beard club.

He got quite defensive one day when I hinted that I didn't like it much - he said it was his face and if wanted to have a beard he would. I said I support that, and left it at that. But in truth it feels a little like having a stranger in the house.

OP posts:
SillyBeardyDaddyman · 19/01/2013 21:09

Beards are awesome. Fact.

I think you're jealous because he's got a warm face and you get a face full of snow. Maybe you should get one of these

Beamur · 19/01/2013 21:13

A colleague of mine has a beard and his girlfriend much prefers him with it, he occasionally shaves it off, but usually grows it back again. I remember having a chat with him (and gf who is a friend of mine too) and asking about the beard and to prove a point he sort of 'whiskered' me with it...I found it disturbingly arousing!!!! As I don't fancy said colleague at all this was an unexpected response Grin

mrsjay · 19/01/2013 21:18

my dh did the same before christmas not ginger but he looked like a hobo Grin and I told him so after weeks of hinting and being subtle about it . he went and got it trimmed and shaped when he got a haircut I have let him keep it for now

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