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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that in some cases being early is as rude as being late?

96 replies

Naysa · 18/01/2013 18:45

My DP picks me up mosts evenings from my house at 7.30pm. I don't drive but have offered to get public transport he said he doesn't mind getting me.

Every now and then it takes me a tiny while longer to get ready. So I might be 10 minutes late. He waits outside in the car for me and I always apologise.

BUT... Sometimes he finishes work early or on a weekend when he's not working he turns up 30 minutes to an hour early. I then have to run around getting ready and it really annoys me. He also texts me in a jokey way telling me to hurry up. He just texts me saying "outside" and expects me to come straight out. I've been in the bath before now and he's text saying he's outside.

I've told him that I think it's annoying and he should text me if he's leaving earlier to see if I'm ready and he justs says okay. I've also said I think it's rude and he just says that I'm late all the time.

I've offered to use public transport but he said he likes coming to get me.
Apart from him turning up early we have a great relationship.

AIBU? I'm not, am I? Is it as rude as I think it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Naysa · 18/01/2013 22:29

I'm just wondering howmy age will affect the replies?
Mn seems to be obsessed with age. I've noticed that whenever I post anything with my age I get dismissed.

I'm 19 btw. Not that it matters.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 18/01/2013 22:34

Jesus wept @ Mn - not every man is a bloody control freak, abuser, rapist - I do with people would stop projection their personal issues onto anyone with a set of gonads.

There, thats better now it's off my chest.

I like the sound of your boyfriend OP, nice to see he cares about your safety and not want you on public transport. (although I'm now sure the femjnista will pop up and announce you are responsible for your own safety but pau no attention, its just the rice cakes fermenting with the rhubarb wine talking).

Original poster

Naysa · 18/01/2013 22:34

echt Yes I understand that but as I have said several times this is not the case. This seems to be getting ignored though.

OP posts:

gail734 · 18/01/2013 22:35

I had an odd boyfriend who once turned up at my door over an hour early. My face was literally like this: I'd just got in from work - I was planning to have a bath, do my hair and makeup, select a nice outfit ... but no, there he was! I let him in, planted him in front of the tv, gave him a drink and then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm just going to ignore the fact that you're here and carry on getting ready." Maybe not the best choice of words! He took major offense at my use of the word "ignore" and, barely containing his anger, told me that he'd make it really easy for him to ignore him by leaving! He stormed out (I think I was maybe expected to chase him) and I never saw him again, not that I cared
OP, being early is rude and also weird. What's the point of making a time arrangement if you don't stick to it? Is he picking you up every night? Where do you go?

Original poster

Naysa · 18/01/2013 22:35

Holly I think I love you

OP posts:

gail734 · 18/01/2013 22:36

Easy for me to ignore him!

MagicHouse · 18/01/2013 22:37

I guess if you're younger you might be less confident with talking about things that bother you? I agree with PP that say - if he's really lovely, he will listen to you saying that this is quite stressful for you actually, and he will stop doing it. It really is as simple as that!

Original poster

Naysa · 18/01/2013 22:37

gail not every night no. About twice a wek and then I stay all weekend.

On weekdays we usually watch a movie then go to sleep because he has to be up early but at the weekend we see our friends. Sometimes together, sometimes seperately depending on people's plans.

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/01/2013 22:42

Naysa. YANBU. Make him wait.

And all the best for the future. Job, little flat of your own, friends, boyfriend, maybe your own car... It's enough to make me want to be 19 again

jessjessjess · 18/01/2013 22:43

Being early is certainly as rude as being late in this situ but why are you enabling it?

Don't be ready early. If he's early, it's tough.

AmberLeaf · 18/01/2013 22:46

You said most nights in your OP.

what a different song you are singing now from that in your OP though.

amillionyears · 18/01/2013 22:52

Naysa,do you tell each other deep emotional stuff?

Original poster

Naysa · 18/01/2013 22:53

Two nights in the week and then counting Friday for the weekend. So yeah. 5 nights out of 7.
Hardly a different song. It used to be every night bar one but we have now taken up different hobbies quite recently ,so spend less time together.

Anything else?

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 18/01/2013 22:59

I'm always early, I can't help it. I get stressed about being late.

amillionyears · 18/01/2013 23:03

Yes. Would you be able to go on holiday with friends, but without him?

DeepRedBetty · 18/01/2013 23:13

Turning up early is irritating, and I'm sorry your dad is a twunt. Your poor mum...

Have you tried telling dp that if he sends annoying texts he won't be getting sexual favours?

gail734 · 18/01/2013 23:20

Do you mean you stay with him all weekend? I'm surprised that your dad is so strict that you're not allowed anyone in your bedroom, but you're allowed to spend so much time with DP. I do sympathise, though. You're an adult and you're being treated like child. You need to get out of your parents' house. I do think that moving in with your DP though, will be just like moving from one dad to another dad. If you're with him 5 nights out of 7, you won't have time for any friends.

AmberLeaf · 18/01/2013 23:26

By different song I meant the way you were talking about your boyfriend in your OP to the way you are now.

DonderandBlitzen · 18/01/2013 23:31

I agree that you should text "We agreed 7:30pm, it's only 7, I'll be ready in 30 minutes. Feel free to come in." every time until he gets the message.

HoratiaWinwood · 19/01/2013 14:23

Your age is relevant because your behaviour and home situation are completely normal for a 19yo but would IMHO be concerning for, say, a 27yo.

Getting the money together to move into a nice little flatshare with another couple of girls in a year or two will be great. In the meantime you have a lot of tongue-biting and eye-rolling to do.

Pandemoniaa · 19/01/2013 14:30

I don't think your boyfriend is, necessarily, controlling. He sounds concerned for your welfare but equally, life sounds extraordinarily difficult for you at home and I'd suggest that your first priority needs to be getting somewhere to live away from your clearly unpleasant and definitely controlling father.

As a rule, I'd say that routinely being early is rude. Unfortunately, people who always arrive early rarely see it that way. Instead, they think it is a virtue. And I speak as someone who has a friend who either cannot, or will not understand that fetching up half an hour before she's expected is incredibly irritating. Especially when she questions why I'm not ready!

If your boyfriend intends to carry on arriving early then he needs to accept he'll spend correspondingly longer sat outside in the car.

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