to think that in some cases being early is as rude as being late?

[Naysa]

My DP picks me up mosts evenings from my house at 7.30pm. I don't drive but have offered to get public transport he said he doesn't mind getting me.

Every now and then it takes me a tiny while longer to get ready. So I might be 10 minutes late. He waits outside in the car for me and I always apologise.

BUT... Sometimes he finishes work early or on a weekend when he's not working he turns up 30 minutes to an hour early. I then have to run around getting ready and it really annoys me. He also texts me in a jokey way telling me to hurry up. He just texts me saying "outside" and expects me to come straight out. I've been in the bath before now and he's text saying he's outside.

I've told him that I think it's annoying and he should text me if he's leaving earlier to see if I'm ready and he justs says okay. I've also said I think it's rude and he just says that I'm late all the time.

I've offered to use public transport but he said he likes coming to get me.
Apart from him turning up early we have a great relationship.

AIBU? I'm not, am I? Is it as rude as I think it is.

yeah. You're right. We can be. I think we suffer from having seen it so many times that we see it everywhere.
But the op will know that we're all barking up the wrong tree by talking to him, and put it out of her mind. I suppose its easy to get cynical when you read and see and in some cases live with the same old shit day in day out. I guess I'm guilty of that.
I hope she does come and say ya boo sucks to you, you were totally wrong.

OK, to answer your question, being early is not as rude as being late - as long as they are perfectly happy to wait until the agreed time without hassling the other person, even if it is only in a jokey way.

If he'd sent a text saying "Outside, I know I'm early so I'll see you when you're ready" is fine. But if he is expecting you to come out as soon as he gets there, regardless of how early he is, that is not OK. You've tried talking to him about it and he has disregarded your concerns by turning it back on you. I'm not saying at all that you are in an EA relationship, but if this is how he deals with the one problem you've raised with him...

The next time he texts "Outside" at 7pm when you'd agreed 7.30pm, just text back saying, "OK, I'll be out at 7.30", and do not apologise for being late when you get in the car.

So just ignore the texts and walk out of the front door at 7.30 as arranged. If he says anything just reply cheerfully 'Oh, did you text? Sorry, I didn't see it'. Repeat as often as needsbe. I bet he will stop turning up early.

MsVestibule x-post, sort of! I agree that the tack to take is for the OP just to continue with her plans and not feel she has to run around.

I think you need to really talk to him about how difficult it is for you. Not just a quick "it's really annoying", but sit him down and say it makes you feel stressed and unhappy, that it makes you upset that you can't invite him in and that you want him to stop doing it or you WILL get the bus.

It's also possible that the OP, who is used to a controlling father, feels that an early arrival is a demand that she hurry up, when in fact it isn't.

Maybe he's just letting her know he's there and is happy to wait?

"Another thing.....he quite possibly insists on picking you up because he doesn't want you travelling on your own [ie not with him] on public transport because he is jealous and controlling] Again RED FLAG"

I think you are overthinking this. The boyfriend might be concerned about the OP's safety and wellbeing. It isn't bringing up red flags for me.

I don't think it brings up red flags for me either, but it does sound like you're really bothered by it, and that he obviously doesn't realise that because he's still doing it. So for me, the issue must be your communication.

So someone was beaten up on a bus and that means you an adult woman cant travel on public transport any more because your boyfriend worries?

Don't know where you live, but I live in a major city with some 'rough' areas, in fact the area I live in would be considered 'rough' by most people, Lots of horrible things have happened around here too, but if my partner said I couldn't get on a bus again because of it, Id remind him im not 8 years old.

I agree with Hecate too.

Talk to him, if he is indeed reasonable and not at all controlling that will be the end of it.

*So someone was beaten up on a bus and that means you an adult woman cant travel on public transport any more because your boyfriend worries?

Don't know where you live, but I live in a major city with some 'rough' areas, in fact the area I live in would be considered 'rough' by most people, Lots of horrible things have happened around here too, but if my partner said I couldn't get on a bus again because of it, Id remind him im not 8 years old.*

I agree with everything amber says right here. Get the bus in your own time. Problem solved.

He'd prefer me not to get the bus and I'd prefer to not get the bus because it can be scary.

You're obviously so insistant on abuse so, just to humour you and not ruin your Friday night, I'll let you pretend, just this once, that he is obviously an emotionally abusive bastard who doesn't want his girlfriend to get hurt. Is that better? Feel fulfilled now? You can all carry on your nights knowing you unravelled the case of Naysa and the EA DP. Great going guys.

Mn is crazy today. Obviously a slow week.

You say you can only go in what I've written here yet when I say that this is not abuse you ignore it.

Calm down. Not everyone is saying it's an EA situation.

YANBU to think that in some cases, being early is as rude as being late.

So make your own way there or have a discussion with him as to how it makes you feel when he is early and you have to rush. Chillax woman

MN is bloody obsessed with EA.

It doesn't matter one bit what any of us think. It's your life not ours. We just have opinions of what you've written. But we're strangers and tbh, we don't matter, in your life, if we're being honest.

Those of us who wondered if there may be something may well be totally wrong. I hope I am. I hope you come back and say it was sorted with one conversation and we were all wrong and talking rubbish. Nobody wants you to be in a relationship with a man who will go on to control you. It's just people who don't know you and are outside the situation, reading what you've written and commenting, based on individual interpretations of what we're reading.

Doesn't mean you have to agree or accept it. Doesn't mean we're right.

You say that there's nothing? Think we're all talking out of our arses? You may very well be right and it's so easy for you to find out - Tell him you don't want him to come early any more. He'll say fair enough, and stop coming early. It'll be a really easy conversation and you can come back and give us all the finger

I'm sorry but I've just been told that you're all only going on what you've read and when I tell you he's not controlling you ignore it

Quick survey though. If your partner could choose to keep you out of a dangerous situation, surely it makes them a better partner than one who lets you get into that situation

I understand everyone' s concerns and appreciate that you are concerned but honestly. He's a goodun. Which is more than can be said for my dad

Naysa

Quite frankly, I don't give a flying fuck if your boyfriend is or is not emotionally abusive.

If you don't think its abusive, that's great!

Carry on, as you were

Yet another poster who posts on AIBU and then gets arsey when people don't agree with her.

echt can you read?

The OP was about if being early was rude.

The OP was NOT "is my DP controlling?"

But yes. I'm getting arsey about the thread going completely off topic.

Quick survey though. If your partner could choose to keep you out of a dangerous situation, surely it makes them a better partner than one who lets you get into that situation

I keep myself out of dangerous situations.

using public transport is not a 'dangerous situation' though.

Yes @echt

Naysa, but it isn't off topic!

no one is ignoring you saying he isn't controlling etc. people have said, ok speak to him, tell him you don't like it when he turns up early, if hes a great guy he'll stop doing it.

Except you have spoken to him and he still does it.

How old are you?
People keep asking and you're ignoring them.
By the way I don't think he's abusive at all and it is annoying to be so early, so regularly.

Yes, Naysa, I can read thank you very much.

You posted asking a question, and the supporting details were sufficient to raise other questions in the minds of respondents. I don't think for one moment the responses were off-topic, they were of the kind you'd get had you posted in Relationships, where apparently small details can be of of much greater significance.

MN is weird tonight. Is it a full moon or the effects of the snow, perhaps?

I don't think your DP sounds remotely controlling, perhaps a bit thoughless but no big deal. There's no way my DH or I would let the other get public transport if it wasn't necessary, particularly if there was risk of danger. It's called looking after each other.

It is irritating when people arrive early, my Dad has done this for all my life and it drives me insane.

OP, just speak to your DP and spell out to him that its annoying and if you agree that he'll arrive at a particular time, he should get there then or be prepared to wait.