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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that in some cases being early is as rude as being late?

96 replies

Naysa · 18/01/2013 18:45

My DP picks me up mosts evenings from my house at 7.30pm. I don't drive but have offered to get public transport he said he doesn't mind getting me.

Every now and then it takes me a tiny while longer to get ready. So I might be 10 minutes late. He waits outside in the car for me and I always apologise.

BUT... Sometimes he finishes work early or on a weekend when he's not working he turns up 30 minutes to an hour early. I then have to run around getting ready and it really annoys me. He also texts me in a jokey way telling me to hurry up. He just texts me saying "outside" and expects me to come straight out. I've been in the bath before now and he's text saying he's outside.

I've told him that I think it's annoying and he should text me if he's leaving earlier to see if I'm ready and he justs says okay. I've also said I think it's rude and he just says that I'm late all the time.

I've offered to use public transport but he said he likes coming to get me.
Apart from him turning up early we have a great relationship.

AIBU? I'm not, am I? Is it as rude as I think it is.

OP posts:
InNeatCognac · 18/01/2013 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 18/01/2013 19:03

I'm kinda with Amberleaf here

HecateWhoopass · 18/01/2013 19:08

I bet you're looking forward to renting a place of your own! I remember my first place that I lived in by myself. Little bedsit. Fifty quid a week. Wonderful to be out there as an independant adult! You will love it and never look back!

In the meanwhile, talk honestly to your boyfriend. You aren't going to rush riund and jump to your master's comma. You will be ready by the time you agreed. If he's early, he can come in or not, but he can't bark at you to rush.

HecateWhoopass · 18/01/2013 19:09

Round.
Command.

I also agree with amber. Look carefully.

QOD · 18/01/2013 19:10

Bit frying pan into fire ish

Controlling dad, trying to control DP?

echt · 18/01/2013 19:11

Your DP sounds like your dad in the making.

ShatnersBassoon · 18/01/2013 19:13

I can see why the partner would get a bit pissed off sitting outside. Most relationships allow for some flexibility and spontaneity. The 'jokey' texts might be a dig, rather than an effort to control.

Original poster
Naysa · 18/01/2013 19:19

My DP is nothing like my dad I promise. This is the only thing that really bothers me.

He finishes work, goes home, works out, has a shower then comes to get me so he doesn't come straight after work.

I would move out, trust me, and I will when I have the money but right now I'm looking for a job so staying with my parents is the only choice I have at the moment. He also lives at home but is saving to move out.

I promise he's not controlling but thanks for the concern.

OP posts:
echt · 18/01/2013 19:21

It's his choice. OP has made it clear she's happy to take the bus but he insists on picking her up. Nags her about timing. Turns up early nags her about that.

Her home life sounds frightful, but what I see is her placating a man just as her mum placates her dad.

The "jokey" aspect of it is disturbing, the insistent, low-key niggling.

AmberLeaf · 18/01/2013 19:23

So he isn't on his way home from work, he just thinks his time is worth more than yours~?

Tread carefully.

HecateWhoopass · 18/01/2013 19:24

Why don't you ask your mum to tell you lots and lots about how your dad used to be when they were first together.

escape · 18/01/2013 19:28

Is this a cultural issue for your Father? Is he of Asian or Arab descent?

Original poster
Naysa · 18/01/2013 19:28

She already has hecate

They are nothing alike. He's not controlling and this is the only thing that bothers me.

No other red flags. No arguing, no jealousy, no anger. I am truly happy.

Just this thing.

I'm sure there are things about everyone's partners that get their back up.

I don't mean to be rude but I didn't want this AIBU to turn into a debate about whether or not I'm in an EA relationship thanks Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Naysa · 18/01/2013 19:30

escape no he's white british

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 18/01/2013 19:31

YANbu if in your case your dp doesn't appreciate that just cos he's early doesn't mean you're going to be ready earlier.

Some friends of mine booked a meal out with us. Our babysitter doesn't get to us til 8, I said we would be there between 830 to 9, they turned up at 8 Confused we turned up at 9, they'd already ordered & eaten starters cos they were starving waiting. I refused to feel bad.

bedmonster · 18/01/2013 19:33

How old are you OP? I would just tell your DP that while you appreciate him coming to collect you, it seems to leave him hanging around for ages and leaves you rushing and feeling under pressure in which case, you'll just get the bus.
However, can I ask why you don't just get ready earlier? (If you're looking for work then I am assuming you are jobless presently!) Although i'm not saying you should do it so you jump to his whistle, just that, well, you probably have spare time? (again, assuming you are home a lot? Lots of assuming here! Sorry...)

mrsjay · 18/01/2013 19:33

is your dad like that all the time he sounds really grumpy a right joy to live with your poor mum ,

AmberLeaf · 18/01/2013 19:34

I don't mean to be rude but I didn't want this AIBU to turn into a debate about whether or not I'm in an EA relationship thanks

Err ok, but your thread is about whether or not your DP is rude for always being early.

Lots have said, yes he is rude and it is a red flag that he is disregards what you are doing over what he wants to do.

RED FLAG

Ignore it as you wish.

bedmonster · 18/01/2013 19:34

Zen your friends were totally rude. I would have probably left at that point!

AmberLeaf · 18/01/2013 19:37

Another thing.....he quite possibly insists on picking you up because he doesn't want you travelling on your own [ie not with him] on public transport because he is jealous and controlling]

Again RED FLAG

ChaoticintheNewYear · 18/01/2013 19:47

YANBU Tell him if he turns up early then that is his choice and he will have to put up with the consequences of that choice...either wait in the car or the house. You will be ready at the time you've agreed on and will not be rushing around just because he's unilaterally decided to turn up early. Wrt the texts, turn the phone off. If he mentions texting you than just say you had turned your phone off so you could get ready without interruption.

I have to say that I think Amber has a point.

Original poster
Naysa · 18/01/2013 19:47

amberleaf he doesn't want me travelling on the bus because last time I did someone was beaten up on the bus I was on for not giving up their day ticket. Nothings ever happened to me in the time I've lived here but I've witnessed all kinds of horrible things.

It can be quite rough where I live and he worries about things like that happening .

Yes I do have spare time but I am busy doing stuff like helping my mum round the house or helping my sister with school work.

I can understand why everyone is saying red flags but really this is the only thing. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him but that's not the case.

I appreciate that a lot of the time these posts end up with the OP giving more damning information about their DP until it is obviius that there is abuse but all I was asking is if MN agres that it is as rude as being late.

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 18/01/2013 19:48

Ok. Fair enough. We have only what you type on here and our interpretations of it. You're the one who's there.
Tell him to stop doing it. If he as you said goes home then he can choose to come for you at the agreed time.
Since he's a great bloke who is in no way controlling, he will say fair enough love, I'll stop at home until it's time to come and pick you up.
Or tell him that you will be getting the bus from now on and he will say fair enough love, no problem.
Because that's the response a non controlling person will give. You'll come back to the thread and go ner ner ner ner ner. I said that and he did indeed say fair enough love and its sorted now.
If, otoh he argues with you, refuses to accept you want him to come at the agreed time or says no to you getting the bus or says he'll come at the agreed time but still shows up an hour early and tells you to hurry up, you will know.

usualsuspect · 18/01/2013 19:52

I don't think hes controlling, MN is bloody bonkers.

DontmindifIdo · 18/01/2013 19:56

OK, then if you aren't afraid of how he will react, then you need to 'train' him out of it, or at least 'train' him into calling you first. So you never rush about trying to get out the door quicker, if he sends you joky text keep replying, "you should have told me you were going to be early, I'm going to be ready for the time we agreed" keep up to it, not rushing about to fit into his timeframe.

Every time, make sure you walk out at 7:30pm, not a second before. Then everytime say "If you'd called before you set off, I'd have known to be ready earlier/could have told you I wouldn't be ready early."

I think you need to get out of your home situation, but not into your DPs as soon as possible. You need to be independent for a while.

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