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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you judge us as parents if your child got a crap birthday present at a party?

414 replies

M0naLisa · 18/01/2013 10:06

Me and DH are skint. Our two boys have a party invitation each for Sunday. Only handed out on Monday this week.
6yr old Is going to a day out with birthday boys parents on the morning with other kids in ds class.
4yr old is going to a local scout hut in the afternoon

We are skint. Would you judge us as parents if we gave a box of Maltesers as presents?

It's all we can afford at the moment. I just don't want the parents thinking were cheap skates :-(

OP posts:
DoTheStrand · 18/01/2013 12:49

Venus's post has got to be a joke right? No way could anyone be that mean, preferring a child not to attend if they don't provide a big enough present.

OP I would love it if DS got maltesers and I'd probably try to eat most of them myself. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if you saved the money and didn't bring anything though. (no not even a card! Not sure why that is seen as essential tbh).

Slightly aghast at the posters saying they weren't happy at well off guests not giving presents - it's said a million times on MN, you never know how well off someone really is. And even if they are rich so what? Aren't you inviting them to have a good time with your DCs? At least it means you won't feel obliged to provide a big present when you go to their parties.

lastSplash · 18/01/2013 12:50

VenusRising YABVVVVU. I would judge you very harshly as a parent if I actually knew you and you really do this (am skeptical that anyone would behave this appallingly for real).

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/01/2013 12:51

M0na

Maltesers or recycling the gifts you already have is absolutely fine. Unlike one poster, most people don't invite people to parties get something. I can't believe anyone would think asking for vouchers is ok.

My neighbours gave our sons some mini packs of chocolate buttons for Xmas this year and the boys were delighted because it was their chocolate that they didn't have to share with me each other.

tiggytape · 18/01/2013 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stealthsquiggle · 18/01/2013 12:52

"regifting" of presents also absolutely fine - assuming it's something that the birthday child is likely to like, of course (if not, stick with the malteasers!). In my present stash cupboard are a selection of stuff bought in sales and books /other things which my DC have been given which were duplicates - when DD gets a party invitation we go and choose whatever she thinks the friend in question would like from the cupboard.

HeadFairy · 18/01/2013 12:55

Blimey, Venus lives in a very different world to the one I inhabit... I don't see birthday parties as some kind of quid pro quo. I'd be happy that the dcs friends were there and they were having fun. Presents are just an extra thing to be grateful for.

Chocs of any sort would be very happily accepted by either of my dcs and me. Much more preferable to the mountains of plastic that breaks and fills up our house.

fuzzpig · 18/01/2013 13:00

Haven't read whole thread yet but I worry about this too.

I would never judge anyone for a present but as I am a poor person in a relatively wealthy area I do wonder if other parents think we are just tight!

I try and go for special offers eg in January sales I got some craft kits for about 80% off.

insanityscratching · 18/01/2013 13:06

Dd once got a string of beads that her friend had made and declared it the best present ever. She still has it in a jewellery box because it reminds her of A 6 years later and 5 years since she last saw her. She got lots of presents that year some quite expensive but none of them were treasured like A's beads.

MustafaCake · 18/01/2013 13:09

venus you are joking, right?

You ask for VOUCHERS for your kids party Shock?
I am speechless at such grabby behaviour, what sort of message are you giving your kids? That you can only be involved if you have cash? Not a good think to teach them IMHO.

each invited child will have cost the parents a tenner, sometimes even twenty quid per child. So I think a little box of chocs is a poor present
It's a fucking party not a business where you look for a return on your investment!

Thankfully I don't know of any parents who shares your view. Where I live (area of massive wealth and social deprevation) kids often don't bring presents and that is just fine with everyone. The parents are just glad the kids can come along and enjoy the party.

Tailtwister · 18/01/2013 13:13

Absolutely not! I would much rather you came and didn't bring anything at all than not. In fact, I think maltesers would be a great present. I know both our boys would be delighted!

Please don't stress about this. Anyone with half a brain knows money is tighter for nearly everyone nowadays and you would have to be a class 1 prat to think badly of someone (especially a child) who didn't spend a fortune.

mixedpeel · 18/01/2013 13:19

A box of Maltesers is a fab present.

It's in a box! It's all for them! They rattle and roll enticingly! They are special because they don't have them everyday!

Excuse so many exclamation marks, but I think there can't be many DCs who wouldn't absolutely love a box of Maltesers as a present.

(streets ahead of cheap pens and a colouring book in my opinion)

DoodlesNoodles · 18/01/2013 13:21

YANBU. Not at all. I would not judge or think you were being mean. If I spent lots of money on a party then that is my choice not the invitees so I would not expect a similar amount to be spent on presents. I know all my DCs would be very happy with malteasers and they are in their late teens.

Venus has got quite a bollocking but I can see where she is coming from with the joint parties and the £10 vouchers. I think in those circumstances it is not grabby to suggest a present. I imagine they are big parties and it would be very confusing for the guests to work out what they should buy. It would be awful for them if tey thought they had to buy seperate presents for all the birthday boys and girls. I bet the invitees are delighted to just bring a voucher.

We don't know the wording of the invitations but I bet they don't say the party goers are have to bring a ten pound voucher. I bet the invitations say something polite along the lines of; If you wish to bring a present you may wish to consider bringing a voucher (maximum £10 spend) which will be shared between the birthday boys and girls. (or something like that)

Maybe I have got the wrong end of the stick its been known

cairnterrier · 18/01/2013 13:24

DS would love a box of Maltesers! Perfect present as far as he's concerned.

Hope you have a wonderful birthday party x

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/01/2013 13:24

I would promise not to judge you, OP providing you didn't judge me for half-inching some of said maltesers because I love them!

VenusRising - I am aghast at such an unpleasant, greedy attitude. I never, ever saw a party as an investment on which I expected to see a return (which seems to be your attitude) - the point of a party, as far as I was concerned, was for the children to have fun together. I never cared if the boys got presents or not. And I am glad to say that I never met anyone with an attitude like yours.

wisemanscamel · 18/01/2013 13:25

Maltesers = great present, skint or not.

yellowsheep · 18/01/2013 13:26

The twins got some obscenely expensive presents for their birthday most parents at the nursery have little spare money much like us I said no presents but they love the Tesco value colouring books ( pennies) one mum even came up to me at the party apologising for the craps present....... My children wanted to play with their friends on their birthday not have him bags full of plastic tat I felt horrible :(

Astley · 18/01/2013 13:26

Ok I think it's agreed that noone would mind at all with a box of choc..... But how many of you would actually send your DC to a party with no present, of something very small?

I have this overiding feeling that DS would be humilated as I was and would later resent me for it. I can still remember the burning shame of turning up empty handed as the birthday child ripped open the other presents and knowing I'd not bought one.

Children are actually pretty astute about these things. DS told me yesterday a girl in his class had 'dinners' but I wasn't to tell anyone as she'd be embarrassed :( By dinners he means FSM and he turned 5 last week.

stealthsquiggle · 18/01/2013 13:27

Doodles - I do see the point of vouchers to share for joint parties so that people don't end up buying separately for each birthday child, but the rest of Venus' post quickly eradicated any sympathy I might otherwise have had.

pigletmania · 18/01/2013 13:27

I got a bx of malteesers when I was 6 fr my birthday from a friend, and I was in 7th heaven. Or go to the pound shop they have books, craft kits etc

PartTimeModel · 18/01/2013 13:30

no no no - would not judge any gift or lack of!

OddBoots · 18/01/2013 13:31

I would absolutely love you for sending a gift I didn't need to find space for. :)

wisemanscamel · 18/01/2013 13:35

Astley, what you do is ask your child to put the gifts on a table, then after the party when everyone's gone home, have a lovely time opening the presents and writing the thank you letters for school over the next few days.

Job done.

sydlexic · 18/01/2013 13:35

Venus or Uranus?

lionheart · 18/01/2013 13:36

Not at all. I would be rather pleased not to have another thing in the house and might well feast on the chocs myself.

Blu · 18/01/2013 13:36

I wish birthday party presents would generally retreat to a far more modest level. Or cease. And party bags. NO-ONE round here would judge anyone at all for a modest present or no present, and everyone I know would be very upset if anyone skint felt under presssure to buy a present, but it is hard to get the message across, especially amid some very generous gifts.

A skint family in our network are very practical, and have given things like a home-made badge which is just right for the recipient and very cool, or a very basic T Shirt (possibly from the second hand shop) decorated and personalised, or a jam jar personalised as a camping T light holder.Ot a CD of specially chosen tracks in a personalised CD cover, or a doll's dress hand knitted from scrap, or a bobble hat, ditto. All briliant gifts. But that takes time and committment that most people don't have.