to be absolutely staggered by my friend's total utter selfishness and re-considering our friendship?!

[EmmyMaz]

Friend X's brother has a terminal illness and has not got long to live. Friend X is doing lots of fundraising / campaigning to raise awareness of this illness. I said I would support Friend X with his efforts.

I therefore (very politely) asked a few of my closest friends (including friend Y) if they would be willing to do a couple of very very small things to assist with the awareness-raising campaign. What I asked them to do is something that will literally take 5 or 10 minutes of their time and will not cost them anything financially. I have not asked for their money, just 5 or 10 minutes of their time.

Friend Y responded to me in an email saying "I do not have time for this". When I read her response I was absolutely stunned, I cannot believe she could be so selfish not to spare ten minutes of her time to help a really really important cause and also to help me, her friend.

Also, it is worth adding that Friend Y is not a very busy person, she only works part time and has lots of support with her DD from her Mum who looks after her, so I know for a fact she does have the time! She is always getting her nails done and getting her fake tan done so she is hardly too busy to spare 5 minutes for a really important cause.

I won't bore you with the details, but over the last few years I have spent hours upon hours of my time helping Friend Y with various things. I cannot believe her selfishness and quite frankly do not feel like speaking to her at the moment.

She is normally quite a sweet and kind person (although can be a bit self-absorbed in some ways) and has been there for me though some difficult times, so I am totally shocked by this.

AIBU to be really angered by this and actually to be re-considering our friendship?

Bit of a sweeping statement there Apocalypse. If everyone took that attitude, the old established charities would do fine but newer ones or campaigns trying to raise awareness of new issues or illnesses would be completely ignored.

JUST £2 Apocalypse, how can you not give JUST £2/JUST 10 minutes/etc ?? repeat over and over and over ..............

I was bed bound with tonsilitis recently and I found daytime TV completely ruined by all this total emotive blackmail bullshit appeals - charities should frankly be ashamed. I guess it works overall for them, even though it propels some of us in entirely the other direction.

I'm not sure how releasing balloons helps raise awareness of illnesses. I've witnessed many balloon releases over the years, but have never actually found a balloon, or met anyone who has.

Surely you could just release two balloons yourself (if you still think it is a good idea) and have the same effect?

Yeah, I accept that it is, atthewelles. However, it's quite tiresome when people can't accept that everyone has things they're personally interested in and their own commitments.

I stopped with all the charity stuff at work, for example, when there were four or five different events where people were seeking sponsorship at the same time. I overheard two people talking about how they thought someone was their friend but they had given x amount in sponsorship to them and x+1 to someone who wasn't even their friend and blah blah blah. It all ended up causing quite a deal of bad feeling. Saying no to it all is the only sane course of action - that way, people can call you any kind of a curmudgeon they like, but they can't argue that you're playing favourites with it.

But I do find people who belive that they can treat others badly in persuit of their own goodness are possibly the worst kinds of people to be involved with.

"Actually, this is a really interesting issue - are your friends under some obligation to do whatever you ask if you think it's a good cause?"

I am very clear with both myself and my friends/acquaintances as to what "good causes" I will and will not support, and I can always explain why I am saying no if asked to support a cause that (a) I don't think is worthwhile or (b) is not a priority for me.

No Early people asked what to buy us, I asked for donations to charity. It was a local charity that my late MIL was involved helping SN children. I didn't send out anything in the invites, I did it all according to MN etiquette.

Yep, I did judge people who asked and then didn't bother to donate Well some people. I didn't judge my BIL who has health problems and is skint. I did judge my BIL who has no problems with money and didn't donate. No he didn't have to, but his kid brother had asked for a donation in memory of his DM. That's pretty shitty imo.

And these are people who would I assume would have bought us something from John Lewis or a bottle of plonk had we not asked for the donations.

So if I am self righteous and judgemental well shoot me

Your friend is under absolutely no obligation to help with your other friends charity.
If you asked for a personal favour and she did not help then that is different but whereas I can understand why you are peeved, I would let this go

No he didn't have to, but his kid brother had asked for a donation in memory of his DM. That's pretty shitty imo.

So one brother gets to decide how the other brother commemorates their mother?

"if I saw a deflated/burst balloon with something attached to it stuck in the hedge on a walk I wouldn't go "hmm I wonder what informative message is on there" - I'd just be miffed about the litter!"

Indeed.
I would not just be miffed about the litter, if the charity's name was still visible, this would not exactly be endearing, it would literally litter the charitys name!

WRT the friend being short and 'rude'...whatever happened to the MN mantra 'No is a complete sentence'?

"I asked for donations to charity when I got married. I was astonished by the amount of people who didn't donate and it really changed my opinion of some of them"

I have had friends seem miffed that I didn't support their fund raising for a mental health charity, what they do not know is that I have saught help from said charity and found them worse than useless.

So before you judge, remind yourself that you do not know other people's motives for supporting or not supporting the charity you choose!

I don't quite see the point of raising awareness of a particular illness per se.

Raising funds for a specific charity related to that illness - yes, by all means.
Raising awareness amongst the medical profession to improve diagnosis - absolutely but by its nature a specialised operation
Raising awareness of a social/political evil (e.g. the environmental risks of balloon release) - yes definitely.

But what's the point of raising awareness of a disease per se? I know lots of people who have had rare horrible illnesses and sometimes died of them and am very happy to sponsor people raising money for the relevant support/research charity. But what's a balloon release going to achieve? Am I missing something?

If it was a fundraising thing (bake sale, face painting, sponsored walk/run) that she had been so rude about, I could sort of see your point, although fundraising would take a lot longer than 5-10 mins, so her saying no wouldn't have been such an issue.

However.

Balloon/Chinese lantern releases, lighting candles, clicking "like" on a Failbook status to save the kids in Africa etc do absolutely nothing to help anyone in need. Not a thing. They might make the "releaser" feel a bit smug better, but they don't do anything to directly help any cause. Maybe your friend already donates to charity? Maybe she doesn't, but just genuinely thinks the balloon release would be a colossal waste of time? Either way, YANBU to be miffed at her abrupt response (although I'd quickly build a bridge and get over it, unless you plan on ditching her as a friend), but YABU to be annoyed that she said no.

Apocalypse, whilst I agree with you on the one hand I disagree on the other.

I do not publicise what I give to charity. I do not feel the need to go onto the MN secret santa thread and tell everyone that I've donated. I don't even contribute to threads asking for donations even if I have donated.

On the other hand, because of my background in fundraising I know that certain ploys will help raise more money. If I went on a 10 mile cycle ride or bike ride, I would raise jack-shit. If my dd does it, because she is a child the local press are interested and before you know it, she's raised over £500, something I could not do and she has people talking about the charity she is raising funds for.

On the Pakistan flooding issue, she was interviewed by Newsround and it was lovely. Some of the messages she got on the JustGiving site were heart-warming, from people who didn't know her.

For Malala the Press were interested in how much dd knew about current affairs, how a girl from Pakistan could affect dd, etc. It led to people talking about the issue and again sent out the message that although we live in the UK we still care enough about what is going on in the world to want to do something. I hope it also made people think that not all young people are selfish and spoilt, some DO actually care and are willing to go out of their way to help others, even if they are people they've never met before.

On a personal level, it also showed dd how just one person can make a difference, can raise money and awareness and can achieve something. So for me, it was a win-win situation.

Yes I did ask for sponsors on Facebook and yes I did hassle on my own timeline. Friends could ignore if they wished or they could contribute. I did not judge anyone who failed to share my status or who failed to donate. I did not defriend them nor ask them why. Just because my dd had chosen to do something for charity does not mean to say that they have to join in. Some of them might have donated directly to the hospital for all I know.

So I can see both sides and I hope that now you can too.

Oh my goodness!! It was his wedding day Apocalyse! Yes, on that day he is allowed to decide how he wishes to commemerate his mother. It would have been nice if for that one day my BIL could have gone along with it.

So you ask someone what they would like as a gift, you say "ooo a donation that has a cause which is very close to my heart", and someone then decides you are spending their money for them (after they ask you what you want) and decide not to do anything instead

I think I have woken in a parallel universe.

So I can see both sides and I hope that now you can too.

Lovely. Thanks for explaining it all to me so clearly.

However, I don't agree.

Yes, on that day he is allowed to decide how he wishes to commemerate his mother.

Their mother. I don't see how having a wedding means that someone has to commemorate their own mother as their siblings see fit. It's a very personal thing to take ownership of, even if your wedding is literally the most important event that has ever happened in the history of humankind and makes you the universal commemorator in cheif.

cancer can be a scary issue for some / most people, I have a friend who refused to attend a funeral for a close friend because they had died of cancer and she had only just lost her mum to the disease, she said it dragged up a lot of emotion she wasn't ready to deal with. Maybe your friend just feels uncomfortable with what you've asked her to do but doesn't know how to vocalise it so she said a flat no to helping you.

Yes good point Olde. I would be surprised if that were the case with this charity but you are absolutely right. We picked one each, DH the one I mentioned, I picked a website where you can buy a treatment (from about a fiver) for children in Africa. I had one lovely BIL donate to both, everyone else to DH's which I totally get.

And I am being judgey, I admit that. I just thought it odd when the majority who didn't donate would have bought something anyway iyswim?

I therefore (very politely) asked a few of my closest friends (including friend Y) if they would be willing to do a couple of very very small things to assist with the awareness-raising campaign.

^ No you didn't, you told them.

I'm not sure about this.

Was the totallity of her response literally "I do not have time for this"? Or is that a bit of a larger response, or a summary of what she said?

If she said it exactly like that then I think it would be reasonable to reply saying that you find that a bit hurtful and is there a reason why she feels so strongly that she has to be so abrupt.

But if she said it more politely then it may well be that she just disagrees with the whole concept and is trying to say so without being judgy about your intentions.

I don't think, in either event, that you can reasonably be angry with her for not agreeing to take part -I probably wouldn't do it either. I would prefer to find a more directly helpful way of contributing.

I do agree that sometimes we seem to be bombarded with requests from charities - many of whom seem to be competing against each other for funds. My own pet hate is the bag packers in supermarkets who, in my experience anyway, are usually collecting for a trip abroad for the boy scouts, or for a gang of schoolgirls to go on a personal development trip to the 3rd world. These are not charities in my opinion, but young people who are working in the supermarket to earn the money for their trip. Fair enough, but that should be made clear and unsuspecting people should not be duped or guilt tripped into thinking they're donating to a charity by the vague wording used on the collection boxes.

Sorry, bit OT there.