to be absolutely staggered by my friend's total utter selfishness and re-considering our friendship?!

[EmmyMaz]

Friend X's brother has a terminal illness and has not got long to live. Friend X is doing lots of fundraising / campaigning to raise awareness of this illness. I said I would support Friend X with his efforts.

I therefore (very politely) asked a few of my closest friends (including friend Y) if they would be willing to do a couple of very very small things to assist with the awareness-raising campaign. What I asked them to do is something that will literally take 5 or 10 minutes of their time and will not cost them anything financially. I have not asked for their money, just 5 or 10 minutes of their time.

Friend Y responded to me in an email saying "I do not have time for this". When I read her response I was absolutely stunned, I cannot believe she could be so selfish not to spare ten minutes of her time to help a really really important cause and also to help me, her friend.

Also, it is worth adding that Friend Y is not a very busy person, she only works part time and has lots of support with her DD from her Mum who looks after her, so I know for a fact she does have the time! She is always getting her nails done and getting her fake tan done so she is hardly too busy to spare 5 minutes for a really important cause.

I won't bore you with the details, but over the last few years I have spent hours upon hours of my time helping Friend Y with various things. I cannot believe her selfishness and quite frankly do not feel like speaking to her at the moment.

She is normally quite a sweet and kind person (although can be a bit self-absorbed in some ways) and has been there for me though some difficult times, so I am totally shocked by this.

AIBU to be really angered by this and actually to be re-considering our friendship?

So your friend has stuck with you through some difficult times but you are considering ditching her because she refused to release a balloon for someone that she doesn't know!? If the reply was as brief as you've said I (like a few people have suggested) would ask if everything was ok rather than slagging her off on here. Tbh it would never occur to me to ask a friend to release a balloon for someone they do not know - it just seems slightly odd. And you still haven't really explained whether it was just a 'release a balloon whenever you want out your window' thing or a more time consuming mass release event.

Am starting to wonder if we should organise sponsorship for OP's friend who must be traumatised at having been asked to do such a heinous thing by her "shitty" mate.

^pointless awareness raising crap

Horrible.^

Actually Everlong, it may have seemed harsh but I was making a point. I do find it quite oppressive that well-meaning people insist that everyone participate in awareness raising or charity events that may mean a lot to them. We all have causes that are close to our own hearts but there is a growing tendency to treat people badly when they don't immediately and automatically take part in every awareness raising campaign or fundraising activity. People have got the right to say no to any particular cause they like without being treated like crap.

I would not release a balloon , or pass on a ROund Robin or whatever.
I would however, do something proactive instead of a gesture.

At Christmas, FIL wanted us all to send up massive Chinese lanterns in memory of MIL. I refused.

releasing a balloon ain't helping a dying friend - or the disease he is dying of -in any way. It's just pandering to the needs of someone who probably has the best of intentions but hasn't really thought things through.

^ this.

Plus it does sound like the friend Y, doesn't know the dying person, possibly doesn't know anything about the disease the person is dying from. Yes this is VERY important to the OP and has touched her life, because she has been affected by it in a personal way. But Friend Y hasn't - so releasing balloons etc is meaningless to her.

I would probably, in similar circumstances also decline. I'd be happy to get involved, raise awareness etc if I had involvement/knowledge/connection with a charity/person/disease and had the time. But I wouldn't want to do something that was really quite meaningless to me, even if it ment a lot to a friend. I can't imagine any of my friends would ask me to do some random act like this, if I didn't have any other involvement or connection with the act/person/illness.

perhaps the OP has actually asked too little of her friend? If Friend Y knew more about what has happened, how it has affected OP, how OP was getting involved etc and was asked if she would like to get involved/help out, it might seem more sincere and more worthwhile & she's be more likely to respond positively to requests for help. As it is asking someone to spend "just 10 minutes" doing something that seems pointless to Friend Y is just odd.

Lurked, I agree. Whenever I do a Raceforlife I never ask people for sponsorship (parents, family, close friends who know I'm doing it etc give me donations and I top it up) because I would hate to put people in the position of having to say no for whatever reason or even worse sponsoring me money that they really can't afford.

YABU because in this one instance you have the right to make a request and she has the right to say no.

But I suspect that this has come on top of a lot of other things where she has 'not been there for you whilst you have always been there for her, maybe the conversation is always about her and she shows little interest in you, so maybe you are going to start rethinking the friendship?

Depends totally on what you asked her do?

As others have said the environmental impact of releasing balloons in now known, so many wish it would stop.

I am staggerd by anyone's selfishness of killing off wildlife for what is a pointless exercise.

YABU to be absolutely staggered by her refusal, although it sounds like she was a little abrupt in her reply. Releasing a balloon will not help friend X's brother, sorry, and as others have pointed out it's potentially dangerous to wildlife even if it is biodegradable.

If she knows friend X's brother I think it is up to her how she wishes to let him know she cares.

I was diagnosed with cancer last year and a couple of friends announced support for various causes/posted "awareness raising" stuff on Facebook and tbh I just felt very annoyed about it. It wasn't for me, it didn't help me, it was for them. And they weren't even that helpful to me when I was really ill with chemo etc.!

But Abit the OP says that the friend is generally sweet and kind and has been there for her through difficult times - in fact the OP's shock seems to be because the response was out of character, which is why ditching a generally good friendship over something so relatively minor seems to me very ...... childish immature.

Salad, sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I hope things are going well for you -- and that you aren't still having to have the awful sickness-making chemo.

I'm on the fence. It would actually be quite a nice thing for her to do with her DD. However maybe your friend does charitable stuff already and feels she is doing her share.

None of us can really answer this question unless we know whether this was a scheduled event or not. "I don't have time for this" is a totally normal statement of fact if in response to a specific, scheduled activity, and rude and dismissive if not.

Thanks Floaty, I am in remission atm and chemo finished last year, hurrah!

Hurrah!

@ Hully

Ok look the issue here is that not only did she decline to help but she didn't respond in a nice way or give a reason for her refusal to help.

Now she might have said no because it happens on a certain date when she is busy;
Or she might not see the point in releasing balloons;
Or she might have an objection to the particular charity you are raising funds for;
Or she might not see the importance as she doesn't know the friend in question or his brother.

That being said, she could have at least given an explanation.

I think you might be best replying saying something about what it is you are raising awareness of, what you have planned to do in terms of raising both funds and awareness and asking if she does feel she could help at some point in the future to let you know. Leave it at that. She might reply further, she might not.

Some people just don't 'do' charity. I know this having organised several charity events myself.

Upon ringing schools to ask if we could send them leaflets to give to children advertising a competition for the British Red Cross I was told by one Headmistress that she wouldn't allow it because we didn't do anything for this country. That comment was wrong on so many counts it's not worth going into.

My 10yr old dd was doing a publicised 10 mile bike ride with her dad to raise funds for the Pakistan floods. A motorist actually cut in between them both, so cutting her off from her dad and leaving her in front and then BEEPED AT HER to get out of the way.

Just a few weeks ago we did another fundraising, a 10 mile walk along a well used cycle and footpath to raise funds for Malala. We were wearing t-shirts to highlight the fact that we were raising funds and I had my 8yr son on his bike, my 12yr old dd and her friend, another mum and 2 tots, one in a pram and one in a buggy. We kept to one side but several cyclists hurled abuse at us as they passed because they deemed us in the way, thus causing them to slow down in order to pass us.

I'm sure as individuals each of these people are nice and kind enough, but when faced with a charity or people asking them to show a little patience and they become idiots.

Give your friend another chance to explain why she doesn't want to get involved and if you feel that strongly about it, tell her. You are second-guessing at her reasons on her without just asking her yourself.

I wouldn't either

just because the friend has physical time to do this (in your opinion) doesn't mean she has the mental/emotional time, you may not know what else she has going on and if your request hit a personal nerve for some reason

releasing a balloon ain't helping a dying friend - or the disease he is dying of -in any way.

hear hear

OP I am SO sorry for your friends brother, but releasing a ballaoon wont acheive jack shit. I would also not do this, remeber that charities are BIG business and people get bloody bombarded these days anyway

I wouldn't release a balloon, it is littering. I am sick of clearing them from the hedgerows. As for those lantern things, don't get me started. The wire is dangerous, and can kill livestock. Don't people THINK.

Perhaps she feels the same and her reply was terse because she has just had enough of well meaning but antisocial gestures.

YANBU,

her tone seemed quite abrupt and rude tbh, although you do seem a bit judgy about how 'unbusy' she is, so YANBU/YABU?

and it won't raise awareness

if I saw a deflated/burst balloon with something attached to it stuck in the hedge on a walk I wouldn't go "hmm I wonder what informative message is on there" - I'd just be miffed about the litter!

Sorry double post, but I do understand your POV , its hard when someone doesn't want to help or put themselves out there.

Actually, this is a really interesting issue - are your friends under some obligation to do whatever you ask if you think it's a good cause? Now I always suspected that Goodcausers were judging friends and colleagues based on what they were prepared to do and how much they were prepared to contribute to others' hobby horses, it's interesting the number of people who are prepared to state it explicitly.

Personally, I now do not contribute to any charity or sponsor any individual who asks me. I don't really care if it's a good cause, if you're running a marathon or jumping out of a plane or doing a slow walk or want me to release a balloon. It's a NO. An emphatic no.

I support the charities I choose in private, and I don't approve of sponsored stuff/awareness stuff which I consider self aggrandizing self promotion projects. And when you see the bleating about how your friend could have done that small thing/if you don't give me two pounds to sponsor me I'm going to rethink our friendship/I'm brilliant doing a run and you're so rubbish you won't even give me money for it attitude here, I think my judgement is fully proven.

OP, your friend owes you nothing. Just because you asked doesn't mean she has to do.

BillyBollyBrandy Thu 17-Jan-13 09:45:23
I asked for donations to charity when I got married. I was astonished by the amount of people who didn't donate and it really changed my opinion of some of them.

In my own personal humble opinion, whilst your intentions might be honorable, it is really poor etiquette to tell guests how to spend their money, even if it's for charity For you to then go ahead and judge your friends (I assume they were your friends as you invited them to you wedding) on the basis of whether they donated to the charity that you instructed, well, some judgmental self righteous friend you are...