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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely staggered by my friend's total utter selfishness and re-considering our friendship?!

280 replies

EmmyMaz · 17/01/2013 08:57

Friend X's brother has a terminal illness and has not got long to live. Friend X is doing lots of fundraising / campaigning to raise awareness of this illness. I said I would support Friend X with his efforts.

I therefore (very politely) asked a few of my closest friends (including friend Y) if they would be willing to do a couple of very very small things to assist with the awareness-raising campaign. What I asked them to do is something that will literally take 5 or 10 minutes of their time and will not cost them anything financially. I have not asked for their money, just 5 or 10 minutes of their time.

Friend Y responded to me in an email saying "I do not have time for this". When I read her response I was absolutely stunned, I cannot believe she could be so selfish not to spare ten minutes of her time to help a really really important cause and also to help me, her friend.

Also, it is worth adding that Friend Y is not a very busy person, she only works part time and has lots of support with her DD from her Mum who looks after her, so I know for a fact she does have the time! She is always getting her nails done and getting her fake tan done so she is hardly too busy to spare 5 minutes for a really important cause.

I won't bore you with the details, but over the last few years I have spent hours upon hours of my time helping Friend Y with various things. I cannot believe her selfishness and quite frankly do not feel like speaking to her at the moment.

She is normally quite a sweet and kind person (although can be a bit self-absorbed in some ways) and has been there for me though some difficult times, so I am totally shocked by this.

AIBU to be really angered by this and actually to be re-considering our friendship?

OP posts:
Charleymouse · 17/01/2013 11:02

Maybe she would rather helium was used in hospital machine to help save lives rather than in balloons!

helium shortage

Kalisi · 17/01/2013 11:05

A small number of people close to me have been effected by a terminal illness, a larger number of people close to people close to me have been effected by terminal illness. But without sounding like a complete heartless bitch, the amount of people close to people close to people close to me who have suffered a terminal illness is a fair amount. Although I would ofcourse as a human being try to help where I could, my commitment should not be expected automatically by others and in this situation, the task IS important. If I felt it wouldn't help for someone so far removed from me, I may have infact declined also. >> dons hard hat

KhallDrogo · 17/01/2013 11:07

Ahh kalisi my sun and my stars Grin

dreamingbohemian · 17/01/2013 11:07

I was going to mention the helium shortage Charley but didn't want to get hit with another it's not about the balloons

OP, this thread must be upsetting, but if you are still reading I would really urge you to look more into social media strategies for raising awareness. Facebook and Twitter will raise far more awareness and connect you to all sorts of people with experience in this area.

KhallDrogo · 17/01/2013 11:08

Actually, you may have no idea what I am talking about, as I believe you would be Khaleezi if you did Blush

AppearingDignified · 17/01/2013 11:10

I'd definitely reconsider friendships over issues like this and have done. Everyone has a right to make a choice but also accept that you are judged by your choice too.

I hope your friend's brother is as comfortable and as content as possible considering.

ThatBintAgain · 17/01/2013 11:11

Forgetting the balloons for a second, let's view it as a gesture. For example I have friends who have lost children and on certain dates we change profile pics on FB or light a certain coloured candle. It's a fairly small gesture but I know for a fact that it helps them to feel better that other people are thinking of them and are there for them. I'm more than happy to do that, because it helps someone else.

maddening · 17/01/2013 11:15

Yabu

That is how asking for favours works - you ask and they either say yes or no - no one is obliged to give a reason for that response either.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/01/2013 11:16

Balloon release = bad
Jumping out of a plane = good

LineRunner · 17/01/2013 11:17

If the entirety of her response to you was 'I do not have time for this', then that sounds like exasperation.

dreamingbohemian · 17/01/2013 11:18

ThatBint that's very sweet

But that's why I think the details (i.e. balloons) do matter, because changing a profile pic is literally just 30 seconds whereas other requests do ask for more time/effort.

This is also why social media campaigns are a good idea, in the time it takes you to write 'I don't have time' you can re-tweet or share something.

Kalisi · 17/01/2013 11:21

Haha oh Khall, we are finally together again!
I am the one who should Blush It is indeed an incorrect spelling but as I can't figure out how to namechange on my phone it has stuck for the last year. Whoops!

lurkedtoolong · 17/01/2013 11:24

Maybe she's reconsidering her friendship with someone who's asking her to do pointless "awareness" raising crap for someone she doesn't know then judges her entire life when she says no.

If she really was as blunt as in OP that's pretty rude but there are a couple of charities/causes that I wouldn't want to give time or money to and wouldn't want to hurt a friend's feelings at a sensitive time by explaining why so may try to get out of by saying that I didn't have time. I might try to be much more polite than a snappy "don't have time" though.

everlong · 17/01/2013 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 17/01/2013 11:32

YANBU at all. Your frend sounds quite rude tbh, even if she did not have te time she could have said, I am very sorry Emmy but I am very busy at the moment, Mabey in a couple weeks. Her reply was rude and insensitive. Tat would really put me off, I don't blame you if you are reconsidering the frienship

Branleuse · 17/01/2013 11:33

i wouldnt do a balloon release either. I dont see the point. 1, its really bad for the environment and wildlife. There are many campaigns against balloon releases by environmental organisations. 2, its not actually helpful.

Its about the equivalent of getting pissed off with someone for not clicking share on some morbid facebook awareness campaign. What you are doing to "help" your friends brother is useless and silly.
She should have probably told you that instead of I dont have time. Maybe you caught her at a bad time.

valiumredhead · 17/01/2013 11:36

**

I'll release a balloon for you Hully Grin

Tbh when people say "I don't have time for this" and they clearly do, I take it as an indication that they mean they can't emotionally deal with anything else in their lives atm. They might have their own things going on that they are dealing with after all.

pigletmania · 17/01/2013 11:37

Fgs it's just one fecking balloon not a whole arrange of them, will hardly kill the environment Hmm. If she did not want to for whatever reason, good manners and politeness dies not hurt! Why is it on Mumsnet recently good manners seems to be looked down upon Hmm

pigletmania · 17/01/2013 11:39

If she could not emotionally do it, just say I am sorry Emmy but I really can't do this, good luck with the fundraising. There that's better more polite

ethelb · 17/01/2013 11:41

@everlong why is it horrible?

Why aren't peole allowed to conform to their own narrative, rather than someone elses, when something bad happens?

its as bad an enforced one minute silences tbh

Branleuse · 17/01/2013 11:41

also isnt balloon releasing something thats generally done when someones actually died.

FloatyBeatie · 17/01/2013 11:41

I often stumble across the remains of those balloons in fields where I walk. They are horrible litter and there are cases where cows (and perhaps wildlife?) have died from chomping on them. I hope the fashion for them soon passes, and I wouldn't release one if requested.

Another trend that I dislike is all the flurry of high-profile sentiment-display that accompanies charitable action, and which sometimes seems to be the whole content of the charitable action -- its a bit of an extension into rl of the kind of sentiment display that constitutes a lot of what we post on FB or twitter. I'm afraid that releasing balloons does seem to be more about display than actual constructive work and I would find an excuse (perhaps rather irritably I would deliberately choose a weak excuse) not to participate.

scarletforya · 17/01/2013 11:58

No offence OP but do you do things like this often? Are you a bit of a 'cause' person.....you mentioned you've spent hours helping your friend. Are you a very helpful person in general? I'm just wondering if it could be a bit of compassion fatigue on your friends part?

As for the balloon, I would probably find your request a bit irritating. I would never bother reading a message on a balloon I found. So I'm not sure how releasing a balloon would 'raise awareness'. I'm afraid I'm also very sceptical about the whole concept of 'raising awareness' -people only have so much attention to devote to causes which do not affect them.

I don't do Facebook because amongst other reasons I can't stand those stupid gimmicks to 'raise awareness' for things. Collect money by all means or donate something or volunteer but releasing balloons is just kind of pointless pollution really. I would be irritated to be asked this. I'd rath

DeWe · 17/01/2013 11:59

A lot of people won't release balloons due to the enviromental impact.

Tbh I wouldn't see that as supporting someone. I'd rather be asked to cook a meal for them, or sponsor you or do something practical which will be much more help.

Also I have a lot of friends who have personal reasons for supporting different charities. I'm often asked to sponsor/go/watch/post on fb. I've reached my own decisions as to what I do, and am consistant on it. That way it doesn't cause agro when I do it for one, and not for another. I support my own charities too in my own ways.

scarletforya · 17/01/2013 11:59

Oops posted too soon, I'd rather donate money or actually do something useful, rather than sentimental gestures.