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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think sex ed encourages earlier sex?

120 replies

Sleepysand · 15/01/2013 23:48

Not saying get rid of it, but seems to me a big part of me hanging on til I was 20 was a result of fear, not of pregnancy, but just the unknown. I had no idea what a man's bits looked like, and trust me, in my imagination they were scary (for some reason I thought the testicles were a clamp that grabbed you!)

Not sure that level of ignorance was great, but does familiarity breed more pressure on girls?

OP posts:
Unacceptable · 16/01/2013 00:08

Do you think curiosity about sex appears at 15...16...17?

Never heard of forewarned is forearmed?

Think an awareness and education is not empowering for youngsters giving them confidence about their bodies and actions?

If fear was enough of a deterrent then we'd have no worries but I think you were an exception rather than the rule

SinisterBuggyMonth · 16/01/2013 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sleepysand · 16/01/2013 00:12

I am not wholly serious, and my own children are not scared - the older two boys are 17 and 18 and in LTRs. I deliver sex ed, and I had never felt differently to any of you til this evening.

But the evidence is also that the age of first sex has fallen alongside increased sex ed, and pregnancy rates have gone up.

I was looking at a thread relating to a 13 yo who has probably used the morning after pill. She has a bf. Mum had no idea and is devastated. And I was wondering - well, I had a boyfriend at that age, and we came perilously close to sex. It was not fear of pregnancy that stopped me - we had condoms from the machine. It was not morals or fear my parents would find out - they did not cross my mind. I loved him, we were together 3 years. I think it was that I had no idea what it would be like, and I was afraid. And I was wondering whether that was not more natural, and also a reason why it was okay to say no - whereas if I were that OP's DD, I don't think it would be as permissible to be reluctant.

So, maybe IABU, but it is not thoughtlessly so.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 16/01/2013 00:14

wow.
how can knowledge lead to sex??

DD is very knowledgable - she is 15. her boyfriend of a year is 16. i have spoken at length to her about boundaries and relationships and sex - she didnt rush off to try it!

ignorance leads to unwanted pregnancy ( my mother thought you couldnt get pg the first time....wrong! i was the result of that - and what a mess that was)

ignorance leads to disease.
ignorance leads to fear.

knowledge is power! my DD is well informed - and i trust her implicitly to make well informed decisions. She is also secure enough to know that she isnt ready for sex yet. But when she is, im not stupid enough to think i will know about it! i have armed her with the knowledge she needs to avoid pregnancy and disease. the rest is up to her. to say knowledge leads to sex is daft - who taught the cavemen then? sex is a fact of life. it happens whether taught about or not!

TraineeBabyCatcher · 16/01/2013 00:16

I would imagine those changes are due to a slight increase in sex ed (so publising it) without actually providing sufficient education on the subject. -just guessing here though-

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 16/01/2013 00:17

No-one knows what its going to be like, and everyone is scared before they have sex, no matter how much education you have its still all new. I had sex when I was 13, and I had virtually no sex education and was terrified, had I known more about it I think I probably would have waited until I was older. Knowledge is power.

Unacceptable · 16/01/2013 00:17

But surely being educated in safe practise, dangers, worries, where to go for help, how to say no, how to have control and so on does not take away that nervousness of how it will actually feel?

I had sex-ed. Pretty good one. I had info (factual thankfully) from an older and wiser sister. Was still nervous enough to say no (and confident enough to do so) until I was mature enough to have sex.

LineRunner · 16/01/2013 00:19

I deliver sex ed

I hope not. And I mean that kindly.

Original poster
Sleepysand · 16/01/2013 00:23

I can see I will be flamed fir asking this!!! I do not oppose contraceptive advice, I am all in favour. But a lot of sex ed in schools seems to focus on the mechanics of it, not on the need for emotional readiness. So they see what it looks like as a process, not as an experience.

Oh, I didn't think the testicle clamp thing til I was 20, by 16 and A level biology I had worked it out.

DS1 did tell me before he had sex. Ds2 didn't, but told me the next day. We are an open, well informed, family, and that is where sex ed belongs, not in some perfunctory class room that makes it seem like Algebra, or at best Biology.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepysand · 16/01/2013 00:26

Lrunner, I was a head of year, so though I didn't exactly deliver it, I was part of the pastoral programme; and ours did not differ much from the 2 schools my boys attended. Don't assume because I ask this that I am not doing it right. I think that I ask this rather demonstrates that I am doing it right.

OP posts:
MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 16/01/2013 00:29

What about the families who don't talk to their children about sex? Are those children just supposed to remain uninformed?

ripsishere · 16/01/2013 00:30

Hmm seriously?

Original poster
Sleepysand · 16/01/2013 00:36

Vicarinatutu, all sorts of things are facts of life, some desirable and some not. We are not cavemen and should not judge ourselves by them. And knowing how to do something does increase the likelihood you will do it.

Missymoo, yes, they are the problem. I am not sure sex ed (which I meant in its school format) is the answer; and I know my own DSs all thought it clinical.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 16/01/2013 00:42

you have missed my point spectacularly.

what i am saying is that sex happens whether you teach it or not. i have no idea what your are saying really - that teaching about sex increases the likelyhood of doing it?
do you know many people who have never ever had sex??

unless you plan on your kids becoming nuns or catholic priests your argument is silly.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 16/01/2013 00:46

So is your actual argument that sex ed should happen at home not school?

If so - how about both? Both sounds good.

Grin at Too Frit to Fuck.

LibraryMum8 · 16/01/2013 00:46

YABU. I'm not talking tell them how to copulate at in third grade, but I'd rather have Basic knowledge of where babies come from since some parents won't do it. I'd also rather have a teenager that uses condoms and doesn't present me with a grandchild Way before anyone is ready for one. In fact, I plan on giving him some in his X-mas sock when he reaches the age to use them. Rather than coming home and telling me I'm going to be a grandmother (and oh will you watch the baby when I'm in school) Humph.

Original poster
Sleepysand · 16/01/2013 00:53

I think teaching them about it at 12 gives them the idea that lots of peers are doing it, that it is normal at a young age, and that is self-fulfilling, viatutu.

I agree (obviously) that we pretty much all end up having sex, and nowhere do I suggest a life of celibacy - I have 4 teenagers! But the age it begins on average has dropped about 4 years in the last 30. I do not think that is a good thing, and do not think there should be a politically correct taboo against telling young people that wanting sex is normal but doing it at 13 or 14 is not - as things stand school nurses are unable to say this for fear of ostracising those who are active. Boyfriends have always told reluctant girls that everyone else is doing it, and our system reinforces that.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 16/01/2013 00:59

you think?

ok. i had zero sex ed. i was raped at 13 by a 16 year old on holiday - i had no clue what was happening. it was painful and awful. the next time i had sex i was 18, with my husband (married 22 years)

my children - they are now 21 and 15.

my 15 has not had sex and is very very strong willed - she will do it when she wants to do it. she is so sensible. her boyfriend is lovely and is 16, she has seen him for a year now.

my 21 year old had sex at 19. His current girlfriend is a virgin, they have been dating 6 months.

they were both talked to about sex, and both had sex education, and i backed that up with books for them both to read.

they were the informed ones, they did not get taken advantage of. i was uninformed - i got taken advantage of.

do you seriously think that knowing nothing is better?

Original poster
Sleepysand · 16/01/2013 00:59

Library mum I an talking school sex ed. Home sex ed is different. My own kids were taught from early on about the emotions and then the precautions.

What age do you think he should be for the Christmas condoms? My #1 son was 16, but #2 only 13 (with a 17yo girl). #3&4 aged 15 and 14 are not yet active.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 16/01/2013 01:01

YABU

THere was no sex ed when my grandparents were young. Didnt stop my grandma getting pg at 17 in 1938 and them getting married 4 months later!

We had our very first sex ed aged 8, it was in 1981 and strictly informative about the bioligical aspects, nothing to do with the social side of it. I knew enough from that, and from later sex ed to say no to a very persuasive boyfriend when I was 15, without that information I am not sure that I wouldnt have taken his word for it that "it will be ok". Hmm

What makes sex seem ok to be doing as a pastime rather than as part of a committed relationsip is the TV and film industry. They give the impression that if you are not having sex at a young age then you are an unpopular ugly geek. "40 year old Virgin" anyone?

PictureMeInThese · 16/01/2013 01:02

I would say that the easy access to porn nowadays has more influence on earlier sex than the sex ed they've received at school

Bogeyface · 16/01/2013 01:05

Actually, I agree with that too Picture and especially for boys. I think it has done untold damage to young men, many of whom are growing up with no respect for women, for sex or for love. And with the idea that porn sex is how real sex should be :(

nooka · 16/01/2013 01:05

And the fact that countries that are more open about sex and have more and better sex education at an earlier age have lower rates of teen pregnancy, later ages of first sexual experience and also when surveyed have better early experiences shows totally the opposite to your theory is not relevant somehow?

My children both had excellent sex ed at school at the age of 11. At no point did the specialist the school brought in suggest that everyone was doing it, the message was all about understanding your body and your urges, being respectful and caring toward others etc. I thought it was excellent. If the sex ed you delivered was just about the clinical facts then frankly it just wasn't very good.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 16/01/2013 01:08

Surely if all these boys (because it obviously is always the boys fault Hmm ) are telling 'reluctant' girls that everyone is doing it then its better for them all to be better educated.

Why is the education of youngsters reinforcing the lies that they are being told by their peers (in your view)?

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 16/01/2013 01:12

had sex ed in primary and secondary scool... had sex at 20.

you were really that clueless at 20? i find that hard to believe Hmm

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