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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to back down on this?

63 replies

rebecca71 · 15/01/2013 10:48

I should probably be posting in relationships but need quick and brutal answers...

I've been rowing with DH for a couple of days about something seemingly insignificant but that has obviously raised deep resentments in him and, tbh, I have been really shocked at how he views my contribution to the relationship/family. When he is angry, he picks on every tiny thing I have done wrong round the house - baby put to bed too early, hadn't changed the sheets on the spare bed the day a visitor left etc. I managed to keep my calm but said I wasn't prepared to continue being made to feel unwelcome in my own home. He said he felt the same and had had enough - then told me I should leave. I was so shocked I just asked when he wanted me to go and he said immediately (this was late last night) and I agreed to go today.

I would go if it were just me, except that I can't stay with family as they are too far from DD's school and I also have DS1 (2yr old) and DS2 (baby) so it would be very disruptive for us all to stay in a hotel. It doesn't seem right to make them suffer for my relationship stuff-ups.

I don't want to contact DH at work to ask if he meant it, as he makes a big deal of how busy he is at work compared to my life of ease on maternity leave, but if I just stay tonight without talking to him first, he will assume he is in the right and I will feel humiliated for not being capable of leaving.

I probably just have to back down on this one, for the sake of the children, don't I?

OP posts:
Portofino · 15/01/2013 10:52

Sorry - if he has had enough, HE should be the one leaving. Why should you disrupt your small children because he is being a cunt?

Portofino · 15/01/2013 10:54

Tell him you have thought about and need to put the children first, but have helpfully packed him a bag.

nilbyname · 15/01/2013 10:54

And he is unable to change the bedsheets, put the baby to bed etc etc....for why?

If he is unhappy with the way the house is run, then he should jump right in and roll his sleeves up.

He has a problem, he is being rude and unfair. If he needs space, show HIM the door.

From what you describe, he sounds like a right arse. I would be livid. No way would my DH pick on the way I kept house. How trivial and bullying. Is he always so nasty?

OlivetheotherReindeer · 15/01/2013 10:55

What a cunt. Take this opportunity to pack him a bag and change the locks. Why the hell should you leave. Good luck, he sounds horrible.

neolara · 15/01/2013 10:55

I agree with Portofino. If you both mean it about moving out, then he should be the one to leave. It's ridiculous expecting two small children to live in a hotel or in someone else's spare room.

TheVermiciousKnid · 15/01/2013 10:55

Pack his bags?

Sounds awful. :( Is he usually such a git?

ENormaSnob · 15/01/2013 10:56

Are the children his?

Who's is the house?

HoneyDragon · 15/01/2013 10:56

If he wants you and his children to leave he is a shit father who would see them homeless.

Tailtwister · 15/01/2013 10:57

No, I don't think you should leave. Does he really expect you to go, taking 3 children with you?

If he's that keen, then he should be leaving not you. Did you see him this morning before he left? I would pack him a bag and leave it outside the front door for him to collect this evening.

Locketjuice · 15/01/2013 10:58

Don't leave! As he said he works and your at home why would he want you to uproot the kids and confuse them...I think he's being stubborn and selfish!
Tell him if he's had enough he knows where the door is!

I'm pregnant and have a 11 month old my other half comes home to a clean house.. Minus the toys which my son can get out as he pleases and dinner done yet still thinks I sit here all day watching tv and doing nothing.. But weekends he can't believe how long it takes to get out of the door after doing the general stuff

everlong · 15/01/2013 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicbmc · 15/01/2013 10:58

He'd rather see you and his 3 children homeless? Nice Hmm

Don't budge, OP, you have the right to stay where you are. If he doesn't like it he needs to move out. Tell him you won't be going anywhere and seek advice from CAB asap.

SomethingProfound · 15/01/2013 11:00

So he wants you the mother of his children to leave the family home, ask him who does he expect to look your children while he is oh so busy at work?

Personally I would ask him if he plans to take time off work to look after your children or if he is so selfish that he expects them to be thoroughly disrupted just to make his life a bit easier?

AngryTrees · 15/01/2013 11:01

I would stay in the house and seek legal advice. He is the one who should be leaving and there are avenues you can take to get him out of the house if he refuses to go. He sounds like a nightmare to live with.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/01/2013 11:01

Pack his bag, tell him the children come first, so he needs to move out. This could be for a few days to consider his options but whatever happens he must put the childrens' welfare first.

EarlyInTheMorning · 15/01/2013 11:03

He sounds like a bit of a bully. If you're at home looking after 3 young children, I hardly think you've got an easy life...
Don't make your children homeless.

ResolutelyCheeky · 15/01/2013 11:05

Does anyone know the law on this though? It is quite hard to get someone to leave (him) if he doesn't want to and believes that you should leave.
Is it legal to change the locks? Someone told me it wasn't.

AmberLeaf · 15/01/2013 11:06

Why on earth would you leave?

You are married yes?

you are not a tenant in his home and even tenants have rights!

tell him to do one.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/01/2013 11:06

I am going to stick my head over the parapet and say I bet he didn't mean it, it was a heat of the moment exchange and neither of you wanted to lose face backing down. Anyway, tough if he did as you certainly aren't upping sticks with a baby and small child. Carry on as usual, I mean with regard to your daily routine, there are obviously big things to talk about very soon but it doesn't mean you have to exit.

Original poster
rebecca71 · 15/01/2013 11:11

He has a history of saying that he supports me taking maternity leave but throwing it back at me when things get tough between us. I hate having to justify enjoying my time off, especially as I was very ill with morning sickness and had a terrible time trying to juggle that, two older children and a demanding job so kind of feel I've earned this time. I'll be back in work soon enough then this time with the kids will be gone.

Generally I thought his contribution and mine to the family were fairly equal. He doesn't do anything round the house or with the kids during the week but we get up/leave the house about the same time and I'd be done with the chores and putting kids to bed about when he got home from work. Which is why to have him list all the things he'd paid for and tell me how ungrateful I am and how easy my life is just shocked me last night. If things sort themselves out, he will say he didn't mean it, but it comes out every time and I can't relax or enjoy myself without feeling that at some point it will be 'used against me' in an argument.

Kids are his, house is jointly owned and jointly paid for but he paid for renovations and a bigger share of the mortgage (we pay joint expenses proportionately to what we earn). Again, I thought this was quite fair but he is resenting it hugely, obviously.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 15/01/2013 11:14

He needs to know what would happen should he divorce you to 'his' house!

Or maybe he does and thats why hes trying to make you leave.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 15/01/2013 11:15

Tell.him if life at home with two littlies is so easy then he can fucking well do it and YOU will go out and earn the wage and get in his back about little non-things.

That or he could leave of course.

No court in the land would deem it approproate for you and two under two to move out.of the family home.

But - do.not let this lie.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/01/2013 11:16

Okay bad form to look at OP's other earlier threads but I just have so don't want to post and run. There is a back history and I wasn't trying to minimise last night, we've all had rows with OH and said things we regret later so i don't think it's necessarily curtains but this has been brewing a while hasn't it.

This kind of lashing out is often unwarranted and catches you unawares so you don't have time to defend yourself. But as it is repeated fairly regularly and no particular event has triggered this, I think you have to try some sort of counselling with a mediator otherwise this will keep happening.

KenLeeeeeee · 15/01/2013 11:16

He sounds a total arsehole tbh. Don't leave, it's not fair on the kids. Do pack a bag for him though and make it clear that your contribution to the house is as vital & valuable as his and you will not tolerate being treated so badly.

3nationsfamily · 15/01/2013 11:18

How about trying to arrange a babysitter for the kids, and have a night out together to talk things through in a calm atmosphere and get things in perspective. Maybe even try to get a night away together to rekindle the romantic side between you. He seems to be feeling the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, and you obviously feel under appreciated for your role in the relationship. It is time you tried to see each other's point of view.