AIBU to back down on this?

[rebecca71]

I should probably be posting in relationships but need quick and brutal answers...

I've been rowing with DH for a couple of days about something seemingly insignificant but that has obviously raised deep resentments in him and, tbh, I have been really shocked at how he views my contribution to the relationship/family. When he is angry, he picks on every tiny thing I have done wrong round the house - baby put to bed too early, hadn't changed the sheets on the spare bed the day a visitor left etc. I managed to keep my calm but said I wasn't prepared to continue being made to feel unwelcome in my own home. He said he felt the same and had had enough - then told me I should leave. I was so shocked I just asked when he wanted me to go and he said immediately (this was late last night) and I agreed to go today.

I would go if it were just me, except that I can't stay with family as they are too far from DD's school and I also have DS1 (2yr old) and DS2 (baby) so it would be very disruptive for us all to stay in a hotel. It doesn't seem right to make them suffer for my relationship stuff-ups.

I don't want to contact DH at work to ask if he meant it, as he makes a big deal of how busy he is at work compared to my life of ease on maternity leave, but if I just stay tonight without talking to him first, he will assume he is in the right and I will feel humiliated for not being capable of leaving.

I probably just have to back down on this one, for the sake of the children, don't I?

Men that do this are on the whole weak and insecure people.

He makes himself feel powerful by trying to chip away at your confidence and self esteem.

You really don't have to put up with this treatment.

So when you start talking about something that bothers you, the conversation gets turned to what he wants to talk about and suddenly your issue has been sidelined.

You sound like you are second guessing your instinctive reactions to situations because you hit a brick wall of resistance from him if its not what he wants. When was the last time he compromised on something?

I didn't post about gaslighting earlier but its beginning to seem relevant. If you start doubting your thoughts and gut feelings because they are always being challenged and minimised then there is a problem in your relationship.
Please read this article
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

I echo everything Amber has said.

You are worth more than this. He should treat you as an equal.

Rebecca, the only time I have ever been scared to tell my DH something is when I had PND and was spending compulsively. I had managed to run up nearly £10k of debt over overdraft and credit cards.

It is not a normal relationship to be scared of his response when you want to do something differently. My DH wanted our DCs to be in separate rooms. We've been living abroad for 2 months, and they shared out of necessity. Now we're home he felt quite strongly they should be back in their own rooms but they weren't settling. He's still away till the end of the month wrapping up things. I've been dealing with the disruption in the night so they are back in together. DH is aware, I told him, and we will discuss it again when he returns.

Your DH sounds like my FIL, he always has to win an argument, he is cold to my MIL when they disagree (no talking etc). Expects her to do what he wants, yet he just does what he wants as and when with no thought to her. He twists things to be right. He is financially and emotionally abusive.

There are times when a couple have disagreements, but you deserve a relationship where you can be yourself. Where you're able to be open about what you do, your way of doing things. You are an adult, it is ok for another adult to say "look, I think this approach is wrong" but not to have you scared to say "this is what I'm doing"

I have to go in a moment to pick up the older kids so won't be able to come back on today, but thank you all for your thoughts and insights. No doubt I will be a very distracted mum while I think things through this afternoon
Hopefully I will have a more coherent view of things by tomorrow though and can start working out what I want to do.

I don't it's ever occured to me that I'm supposed to measure up to whatever bullshit standards my partner puts in place to try to make himself feel superior and bolster his secretly very weak sense of self.

Probably because my Dh isn't an abusive twat.

What is 'genuine abuse', OP? Abuse doesn't have to be massive, outrageous, immediately obvious, etc. Although it's immediately obvious to everyone reading this thread that there is abuse in your relationship. How and why does it fucking affect him if you don't strip the sheets from the guest bed the same day they leave? If it really bothered him, why doesn't he do it? And more importantly, why is he not ASHAMED to be so pathetic and nit-picking that it would bother him?! Of course, the answer to that one is that it doesn't genuinely bother him, he just needs to make you feel like you don't measure up to make himself feel better and superior to you and he's looking for the slightest reasons to do so. I'd pity him for being so inadequate, if it wasn't so bad for you and so damaging for your DC to grow up in such an environment.

You do know that, right? That it is hugely damaging for children to witness such behaviour from their father, and from you accepting it, minimising it and believing it? Because it so is.

Please don't think you are backing down because you're not willing to uproot your dcs over last night's argument. You are being responsible.
Don't let dh bully you into thinking that by staying you are weaker. YANBU to stay in your family home. You are not backing down.
However, please don't let this conversation be forgotten or swept away with an apology. If you do, then chances are that he will say the same thing again in the future. You need to make it clear that it's not acceptable to ask you to leave and that if he is that unhappy he has to leave. Sorry you're having a hard time.

Aw sweetheart, he really is being emotionally abusive even if you can't see it at the moment. The thing about emotional abuse is that a lot of the time the abuser doesn't realise what they are doing which means that the abused person makes a million excuses for them.

I was emotionally abused by a boyfriend starting at the age of 19. When I met him I was a sociable, outgoing person but I was new to London and hadn't made any friends yet so naturally fell into his social group. Over the course of just a few months he wrecked my confidence mainly by letting it be known that he was embarrassed by my behaviour when we went out with his friends but also with other things that he did and said. With the benefit of hindsight I can see that this was emotional abuse but for many years I forgave his behaviour because he was emotionally immature and obviously didn't intend the hurt he caused me.

Years later I'm now back to my old self with a great DP and still friends with a lot of his old mates who all agree that he was an idiot and have nothing to do with him.

Thanks all, I feel much better today. Amazingly, DH made the first move by sending me an email before coming home last night, with his thoughts on it - starting off by saying that he didn't want me to go and that if we couldn't work things out that he would be the one to leave.

We did have a long talk and supposedly we are sorted but I am still feeling a little down. DH's view of events was so very far from mine that we clearly have enormous communication issues and in hindsight, I feel I did a disproportionate amount of the apologising (not to do with last nights argument, he admitted that he hadn't meant that stuff, but we went over everything else that bothers each of us too). But at least we are talking and I am going to re-raise this evening a couple of things that are still bugging me. Need to start standing up for myself.

I have a feeling a lot of you will think I'm doing the classic OP denial/forgiveness/excuse his behaviour thing. But actually I have taken on board everything you have all kindly taken the time to say. I am much more aware of the relationship dynamic and am determined to do what I can to get us onto a different track. That's not to say I won't be back for more advice - we are both tired and stressed at the moment and these changes won't come easy for us so it'll take time, but fingers crossed for a good outcome in the end.

Thanks all x

I have a feeling a lot of you will think I'm doing the classic OP denial/forgiveness/excuse his behaviour thing

Yes! but it is all part of a process, there will always be people here to offer you support when you need it whichever part of that process you are going through.

Just keep communicating, that's the key to everything. You are right, you are both tired and stressed, having a young family is one of the most joyous but stressful time of your life's and we all cope with stress differently. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

So glad you are talking things through.
Make sure you do bring up your last remaining bug bears!
Make sure you both compromise to reach a satisfactory outcome.
I hope it all works out fine although we know it will take time.
Well done and good luck!

In a divorce, a woman with a child will get the house, the husband has to leave
I know personally of 2 cases.

1. Woman married for ages knowing her DH was having an affair for 12 years, DS an adult and working abroad. She caculatingly got her DH to adopt her sis's youngest child who was otherwise going into care < she and DH adopted her>. She had been to a solicitor and been told she would get the house if she had a young child.

DH ended his affair but DW sued for divorce - yes she got the house and he had to move out.

2 Woman decided to divorce her DH on intolerable jealousy. Went to a solicitor who fell in love with her and got an injunction for the DH to leave the flat, which was his work related , within 3 months. They had a 4 year-old.