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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to back down on this?

63 replies

rebecca71 · 15/01/2013 10:48

I should probably be posting in relationships but need quick and brutal answers...

I've been rowing with DH for a couple of days about something seemingly insignificant but that has obviously raised deep resentments in him and, tbh, I have been really shocked at how he views my contribution to the relationship/family. When he is angry, he picks on every tiny thing I have done wrong round the house - baby put to bed too early, hadn't changed the sheets on the spare bed the day a visitor left etc. I managed to keep my calm but said I wasn't prepared to continue being made to feel unwelcome in my own home. He said he felt the same and had had enough - then told me I should leave. I was so shocked I just asked when he wanted me to go and he said immediately (this was late last night) and I agreed to go today.

I would go if it were just me, except that I can't stay with family as they are too far from DD's school and I also have DS1 (2yr old) and DS2 (baby) so it would be very disruptive for us all to stay in a hotel. It doesn't seem right to make them suffer for my relationship stuff-ups.

I don't want to contact DH at work to ask if he meant it, as he makes a big deal of how busy he is at work compared to my life of ease on maternity leave, but if I just stay tonight without talking to him first, he will assume he is in the right and I will feel humiliated for not being capable of leaving.

I probably just have to back down on this one, for the sake of the children, don't I?

OP posts:
KenLeeeeeee · 15/01/2013 11:18

Wait a minute - are you the same OP of the thread where the husband barricaded your way to the crying baby so you wouldn't bf him back to sleep?

lottiegarbanzo · 15/01/2013 11:18

Sounds like he views you as paid staff, not a partner. Does he love you?

MajorB · 15/01/2013 11:19

Seriously he needs a BIG wake-up call.

How much time has he spent with the DCs on his own? Does he understand how much effort making a home with 3DCs takes to run smoothly? I imagine he doesn't because he's never had to do it.

If you didn't have a baby I'd suggest packing a bag for yourself and when he gets home tonight walking out the door and saying "I'll be back in a week, make sure the house is spotless upon my return." and leaving him to it.

However, as you do have such a little one to care for, the only answer is to pack a bag for him.

If he doesn't want to live with you any more HE has to move out.

I have to say though there's a definate sniff of the OW in his attitude - has there been any signs; working late/taking his phone everywhere/can you check the history on his pc?

Please don't leave your home, he is being an idiot so he should be the one to go.

dequoisagitil · 15/01/2013 11:21

You shouldn't leave at all. If anyone leaves, it's him.

The dc's needs come first when it comes to housing and you're the primary carer.

Even if you sort all this out later today, and all goes back to 'normal' - get yourself some legal advice so you know what your options are. Knowledge is power and you may need it.

Your dh should not be acting in this way, it's not justified and it's not acceptable.

SignoraStronza · 15/01/2013 11:46

This sounds absolutely identical to the behaviour of my ex - in addition to the 'spoiling' of the baby and not letting me get to her when she needed it. I went back to work f/t when she was a year and guess what? Still did 100% of the housework - although it was never done precisely up to his exacting standards.

If you constantly being made to feel you are chasing your tail and never quite up to scratch and the 'rules' on how things should be are regularly added to and changed by him (despite him never actually doing anything around the house himself) then you are at living with an abusive prick.

I don't use this expression lightly. Is he physically violent at all? And I mean anything intimidating like pushing, shoving (barging past etc), spitting, slamming doors and hitting walls etc. It sounds like you are constantly walking on eggshells and questioning your own behaviours and abilities. Please seek advice from Women's Aid or similar.

ukatlast · 15/01/2013 11:56

There must be more to this than you have said. The house is jointly owned so you can 'split up' but both continue to live there if necessary. Stay put but go to see a solicitor to get your rights clear in your mind.

If he backs down and apologises, you probably need to get some marriage guidance counselling, he sounds very controlling and unreasonable. YANBU.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2013 11:58

I absolutely agree with Portofino - "Tell him you have thought about and need to put the children first, but have helpfully packed him a bag." It is the FAMILY home, the children get to stay and whichever adult is attending to their care. If he's had enough, then it should be he that goes, not you. Unless of course he wants to tend to the children? No, thought not ... Angry

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/01/2013 11:59

You gave birth to his three chikdren and this is how he treats you?

AWFUL.

Sad
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/01/2013 12:00

*children

Original poster
rebecca71 · 15/01/2013 13:12

Everyone's right in that, of course, there is a back story but it's all very complicated and I just needed some clear thinking on what to do today. Thank you all for making me realise that it's ok to stay.
It's hard to explain the problem really as he's not at all abusive, does his share during the week by working hard and also pulls his weight at home over weekends, is great with the children and actually would cope fine left with them - but he can't half be a cold hearted self-righteous twat when I don't measure up.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 15/01/2013 13:23

He is still abusive.

but he can't half be a cold hearted self-righteous twat when I don't measure up

That's emotional abuse.

Its the sort of abuse that makes you question your sanity and distorts your sense of reality.

Its just as bad as physical abuse.

BabsAndTheRu · 15/01/2013 13:25

You both have three young children, which is incredibly stressful at times and arguments happen, it's to be expected. The fact that this comes up time and time again needs to be resolved. You both need to sit down and calmly discuss your relationship, improve communication etc. if you can't agree after this then I agree with Donkeys that you need some counselling. The guilt that comes from a broken marriage is awful and you have to be able to say to yourself and your kids that you did everything you possibly could to make it work. I really hope it all works out for you.

WitchOfEndor · 15/01/2013 13:34

Can you phone him before he leaves work tonight to see if he has calmed down and if he hasn't then say that you think you need time apart to think about things. When he agrees say that you will pack him a bag and leave it outside the front door as you can't possibly be expected to leave and find somewhere else for you and the children to stay.

I think his demand that you leave is to scare you into toeing the party line and doing things his way. If he really wanted to split up wouldn't he offer to leave?

Original poster
rebecca71 · 15/01/2013 13:41

We have done the sitting down calmly thing time and time again; I'm struggling with the idea of facing it again but I know we have to. I do think counselling would help but he's pretty scathing about that sort of thing and I honestly don't know how we would find time around his work, so we'll have to go it alone, I think (although may suggest counselling as a last ditch).

AmberLeaf, I don't think he is abusive. I appreciate that he's not being very nice but it would be doing those with genuinely abusive partners a disservice to label DH's behaviour that.

OP posts:
Original poster
rebecca71 · 15/01/2013 13:46

I don't think I'll feel strong enough to start a conversation tonight so will leave him a note and retreat to the spare room.

I know someone has to make the first move towards a calm conversation but it fucks me off that it is always me.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 15/01/2013 13:46

What do you think constitutes 'genuine abuse'

Im on the outside looking in and he sounds abusive.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/01/2013 13:50

rebecca
I've also looked back at your posting history. This isn't a new problem is it. It sounds like he uses you as his emotional punchbag when he is stressed. I also wonder how well he behaved in previous relationships.

If you think it is safe to do so then call his bluff and tell him to leave for a bit.

This may give you a clearer idea of whether his behaviour crosses some lines
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/verbal_abuse.html

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/01/2013 13:56

Rebecca

Do you change your behaviour to avoid getting a negative reaction from him?
Do you feel listened to?
Do you feel he values you and your contribution?
What would happen if you didn't initiate the conversation?

Original poster
rebecca71 · 15/01/2013 14:03

Obviously not an easy one to define... I do think that he tries to be a good person, which counts for a lot even if he sometimes gets it spectacularly wrong when he's angry - and let's face it, who reacts well when they're angry? He goes on the offensive when backed into a corner, I'm a defensive sort. Neither is terribly constructive and I know my tendency to close up bothers him too. So no doubt he could write an AIBU that would raise sympathy too. 2 sides to every story I guess.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 15/01/2013 14:15

You are blaming yourself for his actions.

You are minimising what he is doing.

AmberLeaf · 15/01/2013 14:17

It is common to look to yourself to see if you behaved differently, would he too?

But he is not treating you respectfully at all

Even if he is nice sometimes, that doesn't mean he isn't abusive.

Original poster
rebecca71 · 15/01/2013 14:20

Sorry, I"m taking so long to try and explain how things are that I'm missing posts.

To answer Chaz, there is one particular situation where we are fundamentally at odds on how to deal with it. I have had counselling in the past that supported my approach and it is very important to me (to do with my past, doesn't directly impact on DH but he is upset by my approach). I try to deal with this situation when DH is not around and to find a compromise, but I am afraid of telling him when I do things my way. I don't know what would happen if I just announced what I wanted to do, but I can't imagine daring to do so.

No, I don't really feel listened to because if I raise something that bothers me, he always has a justification that puts me in the wrong and we go onto that instead. Very often, there is a point of view that I haven't seen so I am definitely guilty of not considering his feelings too. I find it a hard balance to know to what extent I am being thoughtless as compared with him being too exacting.

I thought he valued my contribution but it has come up too often in arguments that he doesn't feel I pull my weight.

If I didn't initiate the conversation, we would have frosty silences and ignore each other for a couple of days then he would make me feel in the wrong for not breaking the ice earlier (subtext being that I should have done this with an apology). Either way, the discussions usually confuse and upset me. But I do have form for being reluctant to admit when I am in the wrong, so I'm not necessarily the one in the right either.

OP posts:
Jules666 · 15/01/2013 14:23

Like others have said, Don't leave. It's not 'his' house, it's the matrimonial home which belongs to both of you. In a divorce you'd be entitled to half of it's value and, I believe unless it's changed, if you can pay the mortgage on your own you could stay in the house until your children have grown up.

If I was you I'd get some legal advice to give you confidence to stand up to him so you don't let him bully you into leaving.

With regard to getting him out of the house unfortunately he has the same rights so I wouldn't advise changing the locks.

BTW not a solicitor - just someone who's been through a divorce.

CaptChaos · 15/01/2013 14:27

When you don't measure up to what?

What an abusive turd. Even the worst abusers don't do it all the time, it makes the power trip all the more exquisite for them when they see you've relaxed. He has you questioning your motives and sanity.

Call him at work, tell him you've changed your mind about leaving, however, you have packed his crap up. Is he ok with you leaving it by the bins?

lottiegarbanzo · 15/01/2013 14:30

Well I don't think he measures up, as a father or a husband. What is he going to do to improve his performance?

Frankly, I think if he has to try to be 'a good person' that tells you he isn't.

I imagine he thinks counselling is twaddle because he's much cleverer than most people, so how can some do-gooding pleb have any real insight into his life? He sounds like a massive control freak too who would not welcome interference.

Actually he sounds like a bit of an emotional thickie who could have a lot learn.

Only other thought is, has this got much worse recently? Could he be having some sort of stress-related breakdown?

Is there any chance that his moving to a less stressful, even if lower paying job could make you all happier?

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