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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell my friend I have slept with him?

64 replies

mixedupmary · 14/01/2013 00:29

Hi

Basically my best friend split with her dp a good few weeks ago. We have a mutual friend (il call X)that she told me she was getting close to, phone calls, dates etc.

The only thing is, years ago me and X had a bit of a fling. Nothing came of it, I have a family now. But should I tell my best friend? She called me earlier to tell me things have 'notched up a level' and that they are planning to a spend a night together soon.

I dont want to tell her and be at risk of sounding sour grapes and being jealous because im really not, its all in the past and im so happy and dont want anything to jeopardise that. But I suppose im also worried if things get any more serious my friend would question why I didnt tell her right at the beginning? Im so confused! What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
andtheycalleditbunnylove · 14/01/2013 00:32

why wouldn't you tell her?

splashymcsplash · 14/01/2013 00:32

Is there any need to tell her? From what you said it doesn't sound like it.

If there isn't then don't!

LineRunner · 14/01/2013 00:32

It's ancient history. Leave it.

If it ever comes up - and why would it? - just say what you said above. You are all happy now. Why would you raise an old issue that would serve no purpose? No one cheated, did they?

2blessed2bstressed · 14/01/2013 00:35

I probably wouldn't say anything if I was in your position. If he tells her at some point and she asks you then I think I'd just say that it was such a long time ago, and that you and he have both moved on and changed so much that you'd almost forgotten it ever happened and telling her would have made it seem important and more than it ever was.

If I was in your friends position and you told me, I'd wonder why you'd felt it was important enough to mention, if you had some residual feeling, and it would make me uncomfortable about carrying on seeing him.
I am prepared to accept that I may be wound more tightly than the average person though.

deleted203 · 14/01/2013 00:35

Hmmm....I think I'd probably mention it, as it's your best friend. I think I would emphasise it was years ago, and that you aren't carrying a torch for him, but you thought it only fair to let her know now. If they become serious and he mentions it then she might not be happy to discover you've already slept with 'her' man. If you tell her now at least she can't turn round in the future and be outraged about it. You would be able to point out that you told her you'd already slept with him before she got to that point, IYSWIM.

ZZZenAgain · 14/01/2013 00:36

I wouldn't say anything. If he tells her and she asks you about it, you can say yes it was a brief fling and don't make a big thing of it or elaborate.

LuluMai · 14/01/2013 00:37

Meh, why is it even an issue? It happened years ago, it's irrelevant... unless of course, this has stirred up some old feelings within you and suddenly it seems relevant? Is there another reason you feel you want to tell her and create a bit of drama?

AllYoursBabooshka · 14/01/2013 00:37

I wouldn't say anything, unless she asked me "Hey have you ever slept with x".

Everyone has moved on so unless he treated you like rubbish there is no point.

Original poster
mixedupmary · 14/01/2013 00:38

No nobody cheated at all, we were both free and single. It is ancient history, im just worried my friend may find out and wonder why I kept it secret. But I also dont want to mention it now because X and my best friend seem to really like each other, I dont want to spoil something because of a little something that happened years ago.

OP posts:
izzyishappilybusy · 14/01/2013 00:42

SpeAk to x

Original poster
mixedupmary · 14/01/2013 00:43

LuluMai no quite the opposite im dreading this being brought up in fact. I havent confided in anyone hence me asking for advice on here

OP posts:
AllYoursBabooshka · 14/01/2013 00:47

If she finds out just tell her that things were going so well with the two of them that you didn't see the point of possibly making things weird over something that happened years ago and meant nothing.

You are not being dishonest here, it's just not relevant.

ZZZenAgain · 14/01/2013 00:53

trying to think whether it would put me off a man if a friend told me she'd been with him briefly years ago, not sure really. I don't think so

Original poster
mixedupmary · 14/01/2013 00:59

I dont think it would me either, I just really dont want my friend or X to think im putting a spanner in the works because im really not, if I knew it wouldnt get out I wouldnt tell her, as bad as it sounds.

Suppose im terrified of it coming out years later if they both get serious. I really dont want to upset or lose my best friend because of this

OP posts:
YorkshireDeb · 14/01/2013 01:41

I think if I was your friend I'd rather not know. It might make her question whether it's ok to be with him now. It was nothing. I can't imagine why it would ever come up. X

JusticeCrab · 14/01/2013 02:33

I'd err on the side of not bringing it up. You will maybe get a "Why didn't you tell me?!" if she finds out eventually, but I reckon that's less bad than the potential discomfort informing her now might cause.

thatisall · 14/01/2013 02:38

Hmmm what if you don't tell her and he does?

NatashaBee · 14/01/2013 03:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBerryBush · 14/01/2013 05:59

Why are everyones bedroom habits considered appropriate topics of conversation for all and sundry? Who or what you have/did in the confines of your private life are just that - private.

ripsishere · 14/01/2013 06:13

I can't imagine how it would come up TBH.
I had a Bf a long time ago that I had sexual congress with. My BF married him. We've never had a conversation about his cock though.

Loveweekends10 · 14/01/2013 06:17

He might tell her. Then you will look bad.

MyCannyBairn · 14/01/2013 06:30

I'd prefer a best friend to mention it, it wouldn't make any difference but for me, a bf not mentioning it would seem odd.

everlong · 14/01/2013 06:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunbaker · 14/01/2013 06:41

"why wouldn't you tell her?"

Why would you? I agree with HollyBerryBush. Some things are meant to be private.

Diddydollydo · 14/01/2013 07:01

Its totally irrelevant though isn't it? Why would anyone bring it up other than to shit stir? I snogged my brother in law when we were at school long before he got with my sister. Neither of us mentioned it because it wasn't important and knowing my sister, it would have upset her. (and it was just an adolescent song)