to want to spend time alone with my son

[TB87]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a tough spot and would really appreciate some help or advice whether you've been in this situation before or not.

I split from my ex this time last year, when she was 5 months pregnant, I'd realised over the months before hand that I was no longer in love with her, I didn't talk to her about it because as it was an issue inside me I thought I could deal with it, as it turns out I couldn't and knew we couldn't be happy together if. I knew staying together for the sake of a child is the wrong thing to do as they'd only end up getting hurt. I figured a child would be happier having 2 happy parents who live 8 miles apart than 2 miserable ones that live together?

We had been about to move into a cheaper place and as I didn't want her to have the stress of finding somewhere to live or having to move back into her parents and share a bedroom, I waited until we'd moved until breaking the news. As I was the sole earner I paid for everything for the first 3 months while living on various friends and families sofas. Once she received her maternity allowance we took that amount off my payments so I could find a place of my own. I've since realised that by doing so I took away her choice and this is part of the reason she's angry. I still wanted to be as supportive as possible and went to every ante-natal appointment with her and was there at every stage of labour and of course at the birth of my beautiful little boy.

About 3 months afterwards I started seeing a woman who I am now living and very happy with. My ex has also said that she's never been happier and that me leaving has been really good for her character.

Things are amicable between us and I see my beautiful little boy 2 evenings a week and during the day on Sundays, but only at my ex's house. She says that she doesn't feel ready to leave him yet and that because she's got to get used to the idea of eventually not spending every weekend with him (when I have him) and that he'll be around my partner, (who she says she hates and can't respect because what sort of woman would get with a guy who had a child on the way,) that I have to let her decide when she's ready, ages of up to 2 years have been mentioned.

I don't think it's fair on my son to not be around me in my home environment for that long a time, as if he only comes when older he might not take to the change. Also I think I'm perfectly within my right to be able to see him on my own as at the moment I can't take him out for the day on my own as my ex thinks that I'll secretly ring my girlfriend for her to meet him, which wouldn't happen as I respect my ex's feelings.

We've discussed it before but she point blank refuses to negotiate. I'm thinking of asking again in a few weeks and If my she still won't agree to negotiate with a time that I can start gradually taking him for longer periods at the weekend then I think my only option would be to go to a mediator and possibly courts as most of my family haven't met him yet as they didn't know my ex that well even after 7 years together and they feel awkward coming to her house. I don't think it's fair that he should only know half his family, especially now he's getting to recognize people and form relationships.

I'd really appreciate a woman's perspective on this. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to start seeing my son alone and gradually introduce him to my partner?

A father who has the emotional skills of a teaspoon is manipulative and fickle with his affections and only able to see things in the terms of his rights can not provide the same emotional support to a baby as a decent caring mother.

If the sexes were reversed I would say the same thing

But Arthur you havent answered my question - it was you that said the baby is too young to be parted from his Mother, and I really dont think that part is true. I didnt mention a weekend, and neither did you, all you said was parted.

I don't see how the baby hasn't bonded with his dad if the dad is there 2 evenings a week and all day Sunday - I'm reading this has been ongoing for a while as well. Sometimes a hand over of a baby to a childminder/nursery is just a couple of sessions when a mother goes back to work, or a week max in the case of some friends. This is his dad, who he knows - the baby is not going to be traumatised by being away from his mother for a few hours (all assuming the dad has interacted with the baby over this time etc). Overnight though I'd say no. I think he should go out for a few hours every Sunday. When the baby is 1 then a whole afternoon, building up to the day so they can go back to his place and then around 2-3 overnight. The mum is probably still very raw OP. She hasn't moved on despite what she says. You have kicked her in her face replacing her so quickly so you have to be patient but what you want is not unreasonable.

There have been too many assumptions about the OP's behaviour. Regardless of his behaviour as I think as wanna said upthread the point is the baby - even if the OP did treat the woman like a complete and utter shit he still has the right to see his child (or for those bothered about semantics - the baby has the right to see his father) and to have an equal relationship with the child as the mother. What else has gone on is irrelevant at the end of the day.

I think there's a crucial difference, sheriver: you have gone back to work, and are presumably leaving your baby (as I did) with someone you have chosen and trust. Every time you go, you will be giving off verbal and non-verbal 'signals' to your baby that everything is fine and s/he can relax and be happy. Babies who are left but reassured that everything is OK will be fine. :)

But the OP's ex is not happy to leave their baby alone with him, and will not be able to give off these reassuring signals. So the baby will (probably) be unhappy.

IMO, it's the OP's job to (re)build his Ex's trust - so she feels reassured that he is a good dad, even though he let her down as a partner. She isn't stopping him from seeing their son at all, and is even letting him into her home, she's obviously trying - she is just wary and taking her time... And who can blame her?

Just to try and be constructive, when my BF DD was around 7 mo it was perfectly desirable possible for her to be away from me for say 2 hours.

People are talking as if the child doesn't know the OP at all, when he has had regular contact throughout.

A short visit to the park ought to be a good start.

You have made your bed as they say.....

Have seen posts on here indicating that courts wouldn't suggest the baby did overnights till 18mths - 2 years.

As it is - your ds is not missing your environment - he is too small to care - he needs to see you which he is in HIS own environment where he feels secure.

Maybe suggest ex and ds visit your house so she may start to feel better about leaving him for an afternoon - and ds can get to know your environment with the security of his mum being there.

I really wouldn't push it - you've really messed up this woman and your son's lives so the least you can do is bend over backwards to make this as painless and smooth - for your son's sake.

In the meantime make sure that your home is ready for a baby even for a couple of hours (eg toys and playmat) and be supportive to your ex.

Wow, I wonder what the other side of this situation would sound like?

^Just to try and be constructive, when my BF DD was around 7 mo it was perfectly desirable possible for her to be away from me for say 2 hours.

People are talking as if the child doesn't know the OP at all, when he has had regular contact throughout.

A short visit to the park ought to be a good start.^

Agreed, i think baby and father, need some one to one time without others around.

I can see your point flow, its was just a lot of posters seemed to suggest that the baby was too young to be apart from the mother.

Hi all and thanks for all your comments - I haven't not been replying, just been at work.

There's been too many points and questions to remember them all so I'll answer the common themes.

He's 8.5 months old and is bottle fed. The reason my family don't all know my ex that well is because she didn't like to travel far and preferred seeing her own family.
I'm not asking to have him overnight, just to start gradually spending my weekend time with him away from her house.
Alienreflux thanks for the suggestion about leaving my phone behind when I take him out, hadn't thought of that and sounds great. Someone else also suggested my ex come to my house with him instead which is also a great idea so thanks again.

I wasn't already seeing my gf and we had stopped having sex before I left so wasn't 'thinking with my dick' as has been suggested. Relationships break down and while I accept that in hindsight I should have talked about it there's no changing the past.
Whether she's telling the truth or not my ex has said that she was falling out of love with me but was hoping things would get better for our child's sake.
I'm not bigging myself up or making excuses, I accept that I caused pain and am not here to talk about the 2 sided reasons we didn't work out, but to get advice on finding the right balance so our son has the best possible life without my ex or myself being left out.

The 'cheaper house' we were moving to was more child friendly, in a nice suburb of town near a good school and nice parks - yes it was smaller, but still fit for purpose and chosen by my ex.

On the 2 evenings I see him I give him his tea, bath, bedtime bottle and put him to sleep. I give him his lunch on Sundays and have been doing all these things since birth. My ex has just gone back to work 1.5 days a week. She's told me she knows I have a great bond with him but can't let me take him away even for a couple of hours yet as she can't trust me not to meet up with my gf - Again, Alienrefluxs' suggestion should help here.

Thank you again for all your comments, my main aim is to get opinions from different perspectives which you've all helped with so thanks.

can your family come one weekend and invite your ex out for a relaxed meal - maybe just a nice pub meal, so they get to meet your baby? I think the first time this happens, you'll have to go without your gf. Do you think your ex would be willing to do that? She could come with a friend or a sister or her mum maybe.

I felt very uncomfortable leaving my baby for any time at all when they were under 1, even older. Whilst they are babies a mother's instinct kicks in and you just don't want to leave your baby. People would often offer to look after my babies, but I didn't want them to. This included my own mother and husband. I just couldn't quite trust them to do things the way I wanted. I felt that I was the person who would offer the best care to my baby.

Those feelings do wane over time. By the time my children were 1 I felt more comfortable leaving them with my mum or husband for a few hours to go out etc. However, I wouldn't leave them over night.

I don't think I would feel comfortable leaving my youngest (who is 5) over night... she is my baby after all.

Oh lord. I, like many others , think that the OP is a bit of a plonker.

But.... Not feeling able to leave the baby with it's own father until it was a year old? Really? And thinking that's OK and you have a perfect right to feel that way and that your feelings should take precedence..really?

I don't think the OP sounds like a plonker, I do think the ex sounds very controlling. It is probably best to try to keep things amicable though. At least the OP is getting to see his DS, if he fell out with his ex then things could get very difficult.

Thanks ZZZenAgain and Makeitlarge great ideas, I'll suggest them to her, its exactly the sort of advice and suggestions I came here for, to come up with ways of working with my ex towards spending quality alone time with my son but not having to wait until he's 2 before even taking him out for the day on my own.

I'm not planning on threatening court, that's the last last thing I want to do as it will be stressful for all involved and not fair on our little boy. That really would be a last resort.

To answer portofinos post from the first page;

Presumably you are paying the required amount of maintenance?

Actually no I'm not, I pay more as I associate 'just paying the minimum' as someone who doesn't care and I want the best life possible for our son.

Thanks again for all the comments.

Yes, well done for coming back and getting something positive out if the thread. you've made mistakes,but Jesus,haven't we all?!
let us know how you're getting on,good luck!

OP

be patient, he is still a very small baby and at that age they do need their Mummies, and are not massively portable

I am sure that once he grows and is more dependant you will get to see far more of him

plus she will start to want her life back/to work, etc

and you can (all being well) move towards a more 50/50 arrangement

I think focus now of enjoying the time you have, and on building a civil and trusting relationship between you

I hope it gets better

What about taking ex and ds out - eg to soft play so she gets used to seeing you hands on out and about - builds her confidence and you get fun time with ds.

Are you off in the week? Maybe see if she and ds would come with you to a baby group?

Hi all, someone asked me to let you know how I got on so here it is.

I suggested that my ex and our son come to mine first so she can see him settle in a new environment while she's still there which she thought was a good idea so off to a positive start.

All downhill from there though:

I suggested me leaving my phone behind and taking him out but she's still convinced that I'll either pre-arrange or ring from a phone box, my partner to come and meet. She said that the bottom line is that because my partner knew I had a son on the way and still decided to start a relationship with me that she, "has no respect for her, thinks she's pure evil with no soul, how could any woman do that she's obviously not even human just an evil bitch so how do I know she won't negatively influence or hurt MY son!"

I understand that she's being protective and doesn't want another woman in his life but isn't that a little over the top? My ex has said that the last bit of hate towards me is because she's got to come to terms with eventually being away from our son every other weekend when he's with me which was my doing when I left and not her choice. I completely understand her feeling this way but could she be not letting me spend time with our son away from her house as a form of revenge/punishment?

Again, I'd really appreciate your thoughts and feedback.

Thanks

I'm sorry things haven't improved. I agree with you that she is being over the top, whether she likes it or not this woman is in your life and will eventually be in your sons life too. "she's pure evil with no soul", for starting a relationship with a single man? I wonder what she describes people who try to obstruct healthy father/child relationships for no good reason.

Gosh, she really is a bit

I am not sure what advice to give other than persevering and trying to get her to see how unreasonable she is being.

Are you able to get anyone else involved who can help make your Ex understand that she is being unfair on you. The most important thing is what is best for your son and that is having two involved and loving patents.

Are you logging everything and keeping texts and emails.

Good luck.

OP I really recommend mediation - it should give your ex a sense of perspective to hear the facts from an unbiased mediator. It's unfair of her to behave the way she is, and could harm your son's relationship with you in the long term.

Hi All,

Thank you all. Actually we do have a couple who are mutual friends and they've asked to meet my new partner so if they get on they might be able to help her see that she's not 'evil' And yes I do keep all texts and emails.

I'll see how things go because I do know it's hard for her but if there's still no room for negotiation once he's turned 1 then I think mediation will have to be the next step.

Thanks again

Sounds like a good plan on both accounts. Good luck.