to want to spend time alone with my son

[TB87]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a tough spot and would really appreciate some help or advice whether you've been in this situation before or not.

I split from my ex this time last year, when she was 5 months pregnant, I'd realised over the months before hand that I was no longer in love with her, I didn't talk to her about it because as it was an issue inside me I thought I could deal with it, as it turns out I couldn't and knew we couldn't be happy together if. I knew staying together for the sake of a child is the wrong thing to do as they'd only end up getting hurt. I figured a child would be happier having 2 happy parents who live 8 miles apart than 2 miserable ones that live together?

We had been about to move into a cheaper place and as I didn't want her to have the stress of finding somewhere to live or having to move back into her parents and share a bedroom, I waited until we'd moved until breaking the news. As I was the sole earner I paid for everything for the first 3 months while living on various friends and families sofas. Once she received her maternity allowance we took that amount off my payments so I could find a place of my own. I've since realised that by doing so I took away her choice and this is part of the reason she's angry. I still wanted to be as supportive as possible and went to every ante-natal appointment with her and was there at every stage of labour and of course at the birth of my beautiful little boy.

About 3 months afterwards I started seeing a woman who I am now living and very happy with. My ex has also said that she's never been happier and that me leaving has been really good for her character.

Things are amicable between us and I see my beautiful little boy 2 evenings a week and during the day on Sundays, but only at my ex's house. She says that she doesn't feel ready to leave him yet and that because she's got to get used to the idea of eventually not spending every weekend with him (when I have him) and that he'll be around my partner, (who she says she hates and can't respect because what sort of woman would get with a guy who had a child on the way,) that I have to let her decide when she's ready, ages of up to 2 years have been mentioned.

I don't think it's fair on my son to not be around me in my home environment for that long a time, as if he only comes when older he might not take to the change. Also I think I'm perfectly within my right to be able to see him on my own as at the moment I can't take him out for the day on my own as my ex thinks that I'll secretly ring my girlfriend for her to meet him, which wouldn't happen as I respect my ex's feelings.

We've discussed it before but she point blank refuses to negotiate. I'm thinking of asking again in a few weeks and If my she still won't agree to negotiate with a time that I can start gradually taking him for longer periods at the weekend then I think my only option would be to go to a mediator and possibly courts as most of my family haven't met him yet as they didn't know my ex that well even after 7 years together and they feel awkward coming to her house. I don't think it's fair that he should only know half his family, especially now he's getting to recognize people and form relationships.

I'd really appreciate a woman's perspective on this. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to start seeing my son alone and gradually introduce him to my partner?

MarianneM, what is your agenda here? A man has behaved terribly badly towards his partner of 7 years, and you are here picking squabbles with other posters about their use of language. I'd put money on you being the OP.

Well this thread will be deleted if you all carry on like this

MarianneM don't presume to know me or anything about me but for your records married 28 years 3 DC's and very happy thanks.
Now as l said stop focusing on me, as much as you seem to be enjoying it, and back to the OP (?you)

millie where does the op say the pregnancy was planned?

It could well have not been as this places is overflowing with people who seem to have a problem with family planning.

It doesn't cantspel, but since the OP was aware that he wasn't in love with his Ex and didn't want to be with her (information he didn't think to share with her) then it should really fall on him not be sleeping with her and risking a pregnancy.

In which case, he's even more of a snidey wanker than he first appeared!

TB87

I don't think you will get many evenhanded responses on here as you can probably already tell...

It took me a very long time before I felt I could leave my child with someone else, even with DH for a long spell. I think you may find it hard to talk your ex around at this point. You may find it hard to empathise but believe me, I can understand why she feels uncomfortable with you taking her little boy somewhere else when she is the primary caregiver, not to mention if your gf is involved.

The boy is your ex's world at the moment and anything that seems to jeapordise that will freak her out. This may sound irrational but often strong emotions don't make sense.

I think it was about the age of 1 when I started to feel ok for little one to stay with someone else, relative/sitter etc. The first year is tough mentally and emotionally and the bond between mother and child is very strong.

Can you be a bit more patient without getting the courts involved? I am pretty sure in the future, your ex will be fine with you having your son for long periods.

Particularly once she has got over the first year and will most likely want to go out and meet someone new.

He left when she was 5 months pregnant not 20 minutes after conception. Who knows how he felt at that time. He says he tried to deal with it but couldn't so left. Without further info from the op you and i dont know the state of their relationship at the time of conception so better not to judge.

He said he'd realised over the MONTHS beforehand that he didn't love her, that suggests he knew for quite a while. I see quite a few threads where the OP needs support or defending, but I really don't understand why anyone would waste their efforts trying to make excuses for this man who, even if you only go on the information he gave, has behaved very badly.

I don't think yabu, if your son is bottle fed I don't see why the mother can't work with you towards unsupervised contact. Having to wait 2 years before you can see him on his own is ridiculous.

I dont think anyone is making excuses for him really. None of us know what the relationship was like. Ive known people who took months to end a relationship for all-sorts of reasons, not great but some were hoping things would get better.

If you go to court what exactly is it that you think they are likely to order?

Overnight with a under 1 is very unlikely.

You could ask for an hour or two in a park. When I was in court over contact the person before me had the same thing ordered, a couple of hours with his daughter in the park every Saturday with the aim of building up the time.

You came across as a prize nob once you carefully mansplained that you'd withheld really rather important information, viz. your intention to leave her, from your pregnant partner whilst you orchestrated her move.

However.

Your baby son's best interests are probably served by you, & any members of your family who wish to take an interest, making the effort to see him at his home, or for brief excursions to the park etc.

If you're living with the new gf, then at some stage your ds will be meeting her & either way he'll be spending time at your home. Which is fine. But right now, he's too young for overnights & to be blunt about it, he doesn't actually need you on a day to day basis (which is lucky really, since you were the one to make the choice not to live with him & his mother).

You need to re-evaluate. STFU about your 'rights' & have a think about what your son needs from his father.

OP, my DS1's dad did a similar thing to me, though we had been together much less time... Perhaps I can give you a different perspective on your situation...

I wanted a baby, I told him I wanted a baby, we were having unprotected sex, I conceived and was delighted... Then 5 months into my pregnancy, he told me he didn't even like me much, let along love me...

I very much believed my DS needed and deserved a father in his life. I bent over backwards to try to make this happen. At first, I encouraged him to come round and do things like baths - though really I was still very hurt, and I would much, much sooner not have seen him or had him near me. He was much less keen on being involved than you sound...

I would sooner have stuck burning skewers up my finger-nails than tell him how I was really feeling, and like your ex, I pretended I was happy.

After a while, I started dropping DS round at his dad's for a couple of hours every few days. This was incredibly hard for me emotionally, because basically I was leaving my precious baby with a man I didn't trust - someone who had shown himself to be untrustworthy.

DS was breastfed 'til he was 1 and didn't sleep through 'til he was three-and-a-half. Every single night he woke up and wanted me. There was absolutely no way I would have allowed him to stay overnight before he was about two, and in fact I don't think it happened before he was almost four. (Though by this point it was clear his dad had a drink problem, which didn't exactly help me trust him, so this may not apply to your situation). Overnight stays starting around two doesn't sound unreasonable.

Some people are saying that younger babies do stay with their fathers... But I think they forget that in these cases, almost always, the baby has spent countless hours with his/her parents together before s/he is left with dad alone - say 3 waking hours on a working day, plus weekends - I'd guess 30+ per week. In your case, you're spending 6 or so hours per week with your son, so he does not know you or trust you as much as he would have done if you were still living as a family... And neither does his mother.

Remember all this is not about your 'rights' - it's about your son's rights. Everything you do should be in his best interests... And at this age, that means respecting his mother's wishes and doing everything you can to show her she can trust you as a father, if not as a partner.

You walked away from your family. You behaved badly by manipulating your ex's life by not giving her all the information. You left her alone to cope with all the trials of the newborn stage, while you continued with your social life.

Not sure how you think anyone is to blame here accept yourself.

YABVU. You're talking about a young baby. A lot of mums won't leave babies and babies don't want to be left. You really did a number on her and you should be thankful that she is being so accomodating, plenty of woman wouldn't be. You sound very selfish and you should stop and think about how your ex and children feel.

I think you should start slowly, ask to take your son for a walk or something. There is nothing wrong with a baby being away from its mother for a few hours. I presume all the posters suggesting never had babysitters and never worked. .

Does your ExP know any of your close relatives? Perhaps she would allow you to take the baby to your DM's (or something)
If she doesn't agree perhaps you should consider mediation. I think it is really important for you to spend time with your son.

Try and keep things as amicable as possible. That will be the best thing for you son.

Good luck. (and ignore the unpleasant posters).

There is something about this self justifying whining pathetic excuse of a man op that I wish somebody would slip diarrhea tabs in his tea, or something equally unpleasant. Every day.

Shoot me down in flames if you will, but it's refreshing to see a Dad who is really keen on being in his child's life. He may not have made brilliant choices, but to stay with someone you no longer loved is horrible.

I had a partner stay with me long after his feelings had obviously died and it was soul destroying feeling the difference and politeness.

Anyway, OP, at least you're keen. You don't have to pass a test to be a loving Dad, so just be the best Dad you can be. Nobody's perfect, not mothers, not fathers. But they're the only ones we've got.

oh and the poster who moaned about the baby being passed round strangers- they are extended family who are as equally related to the baby as his mother's family are. They will stay strangers if OP is never allowed to introduce them to his son!

Isnt that sad? A dad who is keen to spend some time with his child is "refreshing".

Yes, I suppose it is, as most men fuck, then fuck off.

Quint, not in my experience. Some men do, but I know some fantastic Dads in RL who have had to fight tooth and nail to be "allowed" into their child's life.

"Shoot me down in flames if you will, but it's refreshing to see a Dad who is really keen on being in his child's life. He may not have made brilliant choices, but to stay with someone you no longer loved is horrible."

Having sex with someone you no longer love, however, seems to be OK........