to want to spend time alone with my son

[TB87]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a tough spot and would really appreciate some help or advice whether you've been in this situation before or not.

I split from my ex this time last year, when she was 5 months pregnant, I'd realised over the months before hand that I was no longer in love with her, I didn't talk to her about it because as it was an issue inside me I thought I could deal with it, as it turns out I couldn't and knew we couldn't be happy together if. I knew staying together for the sake of a child is the wrong thing to do as they'd only end up getting hurt. I figured a child would be happier having 2 happy parents who live 8 miles apart than 2 miserable ones that live together?

We had been about to move into a cheaper place and as I didn't want her to have the stress of finding somewhere to live or having to move back into her parents and share a bedroom, I waited until we'd moved until breaking the news. As I was the sole earner I paid for everything for the first 3 months while living on various friends and families sofas. Once she received her maternity allowance we took that amount off my payments so I could find a place of my own. I've since realised that by doing so I took away her choice and this is part of the reason she's angry. I still wanted to be as supportive as possible and went to every ante-natal appointment with her and was there at every stage of labour and of course at the birth of my beautiful little boy.

About 3 months afterwards I started seeing a woman who I am now living and very happy with. My ex has also said that she's never been happier and that me leaving has been really good for her character.

Things are amicable between us and I see my beautiful little boy 2 evenings a week and during the day on Sundays, but only at my ex's house. She says that she doesn't feel ready to leave him yet and that because she's got to get used to the idea of eventually not spending every weekend with him (when I have him) and that he'll be around my partner, (who she says she hates and can't respect because what sort of woman would get with a guy who had a child on the way,) that I have to let her decide when she's ready, ages of up to 2 years have been mentioned.

I don't think it's fair on my son to not be around me in my home environment for that long a time, as if he only comes when older he might not take to the change. Also I think I'm perfectly within my right to be able to see him on my own as at the moment I can't take him out for the day on my own as my ex thinks that I'll secretly ring my girlfriend for her to meet him, which wouldn't happen as I respect my ex's feelings.

We've discussed it before but she point blank refuses to negotiate. I'm thinking of asking again in a few weeks and If my she still won't agree to negotiate with a time that I can start gradually taking him for longer periods at the weekend then I think my only option would be to go to a mediator and possibly courts as most of my family haven't met him yet as they didn't know my ex that well even after 7 years together and they feel awkward coming to her house. I don't think it's fair that he should only know half his family, especially now he's getting to recognize people and form relationships.

I'd really appreciate a woman's perspective on this. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to start seeing my son alone and gradually introduce him to my partner?

... As is having unprotected sex with a person you no longer love, it would seem.

Funny it took a pregnancy to realize you did not love your partner of 7 years.

So how do you all know that he was aware that the sex was unprotected? It has been known for women to come off the pill without telling their partner and become pregnant. The OP has said nothing bad about his ex and he didn't start seeing his new partner until he was separated. There appear to be many bitter women out there who completely fail to see that there are two sides to every story. This man just wants to spend some time alone with his son and was looking for constructive advice on whether that might be reasonable. The child deserves to have a positive relationship with his father and that is all OP is asking for.

People fall out of love all the time, not always at a convenient time. Say the post was from a woman, most of you would I said good for you to leave him, etc. For once it's a guy and by the sound of it a decent guy. Yes he left his long time girlfriend whilst she was pregnant but they both tried to make the best of a bad situation. Some of the posts have read are totally unacceptable from anybody, man or woman. Shame!

As for him spending time with his kid, I went back to work fulltime when my baby was 9 month old so all the arguments that the baby needs his mum only are bull. What I would suggest is that you both sit down for a talk in a neutral place, just the two of you.

I think you should stick with what you have at the moment OP. It must be very hard for your ex if she were to watch you playing happy families with her young baby. Also, it may not be politically correct these days but often a young baby needs the mother more especially if breastfed etc. So short periods but not overnights etc unless both had 50/50 from birth. I would have hated having to leave my babies from that age. I did for work with DD1 (12 hour shifts) from 10 months but she had known DH daily and living with us from birth. With my bf baby i could never have left him as fed every 1.5 hrs and he wanted me constantly. I would agree a plan to increase as the baby gets older.

While i agree that a child needs to have good time with its father, i get the feeling it wont be alone time, father and child, the partner will be hovering in the background, and also it sounds like OP did everything as a screw over, still sleeping with the ex unprotected, dick led much.

OP, your gonna have to stay patient, and allow your son to be accustomed to your home before you have over night visits, and keep the partner at a distance at first, you cant take a child and expect everything to go brilliantly, it needs to be done with care.

There seems to be an assumption that he was still having sex with her when he knew he didn't love her. He says she was 5 months pregnant when they split and in the months leading up to this - which could have been more than 5 months or could have been 2 months - he realised he didn't love her. So it's not conclusive he was still having sex with her when he knew he didn't love her.

He has as much "rights" and "responsibilities" as the mother. The law changed in 2003 I believe saying the father on the birth certificate would be given automatic parental responsibility along with the mother. Before this if unmarried the mother had it automatically but the father didn't.

The OP isn't blameless but we don't know all the facts. It is in the child's best interests that he has an equal relationship with both mother and father and their respective families. I agree the mum is probably feeling very threatened but if the baby is 8 months now I think it's not unreasonable for the OP to take the baby out for a couple of hours on the Sunday rather than stay in with the mother and the baby. She'll be glad to have the break in the not too distant future. In those 2 hours he can introduce baby to his relatives wherever - in park or whatever. If she can learn to trust you - and you'll have to stick with arrangements exactly - then perhaps she'll feel happier you seeing him for a bit longer over time. I don't blame her for not wanting the baby to be looked after by your new girlfriend. Maybe in time this can happen when she realises it's a permanent arrangement but don't rush it. I'd do things to her schedule and build up the trust. Overall though she needs to allow these things to happen gradually and if she doesn't then you're well within your rights to go to court but I think you have to consider her feelings for a while longer yet. It sounds like you have a relationship with the baby if you're spending two evenings a week and all day on sunday with them. You need to build up gradually over the next year to him staying the day at yours and even older possibly until he sleeps over.

at the comments about the OP not returning to the thread. Given the double standards male-bashing comments, why would he want to wade through the pages of 'advice'?

If you are still lurking OP, it's important that you have a good long term relationship with you ex for obvious reasons. Regardless of whether you think you are being reasonable, I suggest you leave things as they are for the time being. Yes it's important that the baby bonds with you but at this age the other stuff has no effect on the baby once it becomes a toddler.

Totally I may be wrong but I am in agreement with the poster ^ there that the sockpuppet OP did come back!

I think in her circumstances I'd have a similar view of not wanting my son away from me until he was around two... You have to remember that she's his sole carer, she's basically his universe. Especially at his age, even when there are two parents in the home, they usually gravitate towards one. That changes as they get older. I think you need to be patient, go with the flow for now, and readdress the overnighters when he's a little older. She's not saying never is she? Just not now.

Your baby will be at his most content with his mother close by. Have both of you present while he is so small. Whatever your views about each other, he's the one thing you still have in common.

Tbh, regardless of what happened between the Op and the ex, this was always going to be an issue, since alot of mothers struggle with separation of a baby under a year old, maybe agreeing to a couple of house out the house without the mum, might be a stepping stone, to ease the mum into a separation and let the baby get familiar with dad and without mum. It cant be done just like that, it needs to be done gently, otherwise, you'll get a worried mum, upset baby and a dad who is possibly worrying hes doing something wrong.

Your OP is all about you, and what you want. Don't talk about fairness to your son because he is too young to be away from his mother, his main carer, at such an early stage.

It's interesting that you bumbled along for years with your ex and it took her pregnancy to cool your feelings.

While you are entitled to a relationship with your son, you gave up a lot of the privileges of early fatherhood when you fucked off, leaving her pregnant and very soon afterwards shacked up with someone new. Essentially, and to use a cliché, you made your bed, so now you must lie in it.

Blimey OP, hope you have your hard hat handy!

If you're still reading, I think you should know, no matter what your ex says, you stitched her up, took away her choices, and fucked her over meeting OW so quickly, that's fact.

How this pregnancy came about and the ins and outs of your relationship with your ex, only you know.

Please see it from her pov a little bit, her baby is all she has, and she does not want you and your GF playing house with him, probably not ever, but definitely not yet.

try asking to take him out for an hour, leave your phone with her, if it helps reassure her, (she obviously doesn't trust a word you say with regards meeting gf behind her back, so it's not that amicable) and be back in an hour, maybe you can build it up from there.

Be patient, at least til he is 1, and if your family want to meet him so much, they may have to go to her house, tbh they should know her by now anyway, and should get to know her, she's the Mother!

I agree that court threats will only alienate you from her, and that they probably wouldn't up the access more than it is already at this point.

ArthurFowler Don't talk about fairness to your son because he is too young to be away from his mother, his main carer, at such an early stage

Do you really think this really true? An 8 month old baby is too young to be away from his Mother? What about working Mums, which I am.

This thread is depressing.

A father can provide the same emotional support to a baby as a mother.

The only valid reason I have seen on this thread is because the mother doesn't want to be parted from her baby.

what a lot of bitterness and resentment on this thread. not to mention the blatant double standards...

Firstly, how and why the relationship ended is irrelevant, as long as there wasn't violence involved. People may think that it's ok to withhold access because the op "stiched up" his partner or because he "got her pregnant then decided he didn't love her," but reality is that withholding access on that basis has absolutely nothing to do with the child's welfare and everything to do with the ex's bitterness/resentment. And no, leaving a relationship while your partner is pregnant is not an indication of your ability to be a parent, just before someone adds that in as an excuse. Children are not toys to be handed out or withheld based on the need to punish someone for their deeds, and if this went to court no consideration of how and why the relationship ended would be considered at all, the only thing that is relevant here is whether the op is a decent father able to look after his child. And if it went to court he would almost certainly be granted unsupervised access with a move to overnights by the time the child was two.

Yes, this is about the child's rights. And the child's rights are that is has a right to an equal relationship with both parents. The mother does not have the overriding say just because she is a mother. And as for the statement that the child needs only its mother at this age, shall we prevent women from going back to work then? or are nurseries a better place to leave a child for 8 hours a day five days a week than a couple of hours a day in the park with its father? No? thought not. There is absolutely no reason why this baby couldn't spend unsupervised time with his father at this stage, not even breastfeeding. Plenty of mothers who bf go back to work, for instance, how do all those poor babies cope....

Relationships end. Sometimes the timing of the ending of those relationships is not ideal, but it happens. If a woman said she wanted to leave a relationship while pregnant no-one would shoot her down for doing so, in fact I've seen a thread on here this week where a woman has just left a relationship and found out she's pregnant and is being supported in not only keeping the baby but also in not telling the father of its existance.

There are plenty of women on here who ended relationships while pregnant, who got together with new partners while pregnant or shortly after giving birth, etc, no-one flames them on threads - it's no different just because this op is a man.

Because he is not allowed to have the baby overnight or on his own.

How is he going to to build up a bond and learn the babies cues without learning for himself.

When my DC was born I wasn't given a manual to tell me what I needed to know. I had to learn myself. And when DC2 was born it was the same as no 2 children are a like.

if the baby is 8 months old like someone else said then imo that is too young to be going off for the weekend whoever its with,i wouldnt be comfortablt leaving my baby overnight until they were 2 or 3,in fact my eldest is 5 and my mum wants to have him for a few days in half term and ive said no,it just doesnt feel right(she lives in the midlands and i live near brighton which is a big part of it though)

he says he sees the baby during the week and on weekend days thats enough to build a bond surely?

shesariver the mother of his child is not comfortable with it, perhaps because she knows he isn't ready. And neither is she. Her feelings are valid too.

And I think a weekend away from his mother, for example, would be too much at this stage.

My DD has being staying with her dad and grandparents since she was two, its her fathers, get a gf, introduce her to DD, tell them shes gonna be the new mum, then dump her part that annoys me.

The father's 'rights' are irrelevant. So are the mother's, for that matter. Both parents have 'responsibilities', but it is the child who has the 'rights', not the parents.

The baby has a 'right' to a relationship with his father. He is getting that. Little and often is probably best at this age.

What counts is what is in the baby's 'best interests'. The bottom line is that it is in any baby's best interest to have a happy, relaxed primary carer - his mother, in this instance. If she is not happy about over-night stays, then a baby this age won't be either.

The father just needs to be patient. It takes time, effort and attention to build a relationship with a baby.

*You walked away from your family. You behaved badly by manipulating your ex's life by not giving her all the information. You left her alone to cope with all the trials of the newborn stage, while you continued with your social life.

Not sure how you think anyone is to blame here accept yourself.*

So for how long exactly should this be used as a stick to beat him with?! Yes he behaved badly and understandably his Ex if very hurt but does that mean she should she stop him having any time alone with the baby, not because she doesn't think he is capable or won't look after him, but because she will find it difficult. She isn't thinking of the child, she is thinking of herself. She will find it hard to be apart from the baby; she isn't ready for it yet, there has been no mention of whether she thinks the baby isn't ready for it. As many people have pointed out, some people are back working full time after a few months so are apart from their baby for 9-10 hours a day. The Op isn't demanding overnight stays immediately, he is prepared to build up towards it but his Ex won't even allow him to be on his own with HIS baby for a couple of hours!

My one hope is that when my DH and I have our baby, and we should ever split up, I will be able to think of the needs of our baby, to not only have a great relationship with me but to build a solid loving relationship with his/her Dad, you know the man I thought would make a good Father when we were still together. I'm not saying it would be easy to put my feelings of hurt to one side, but I would do it............for my baby.