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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if all only children are spoilt?

89 replies

MissScarletintheLibrary · 13/01/2013 14:34

Out of all people I would consider to be a friend and someone I spend time with I only have one friend who is an only child.

I love my friend but she does always seem to want her own way. Such as I organised a meal and cinema night, when I got there she had changed the film we were seeing and the restaurant.

We had a night in on New Year and I said lets play this game, and she replied "oh but I wanted to play this game instead, we can play that other one later." Which of course didn't happen.

A few friends have seen her do this and just remark that it's probably because she is an only child and used to getting her own way which does make sense.

However like I said I only know one person who is an only child so I can't generalise.

OP posts:

cinnamonnut · 13/01/2013 17:39

Only child here, not spoilt.

persimmon · 13/01/2013 17:50

There was a large-scale and long-term survey done in Canada on only children which concluded that they developed all social skills just as well as those with siblings and, overall, were less likely to be self-centred and possessive, possibly because they didn't have to worry about competing with sibs for attention and therefore had less anxiety about 'getting their own way'. they were also slightly more likely to be rich and well-educated.!

louschmoo · 13/01/2013 18:42

People so frequently make assumptions that you are the way you are because you're an only (which I am). There are so many factors in a child's upbringing and siblings or lack of is just one of those. The stereotype that only children are spoilt is so widespread and just isn't true. I certainly wasn't - we had no bloody money for a start! In my experience I found that having the undivided attention of my mum was a double edged sword - when I was good it was great, but when I was naughty there was never anyone to divert attention or share the blame :(. Very inconvenient! But that's just in my family - each one is unique, right?

KellyElly · 13/01/2013 18:43

Well I'm sure you must know that all only children (meaning in the world I assume) can't possibly be spoilt. That would just be a silly assumption. I'm sure 'some' only children are as 'some' children with siblings are.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 13/01/2013 18:45

But of course it's all rubbish and generalisation. People are individuals.

This, and what LifeofPo said, but I'm too polite to copy and paste it.

That must be because I have an older sister

CommanderShepard · 13/01/2013 18:49

YABVU.

My mum is an only one and is nothing like you describe. She does, however, have a crushing fear of being alone and can't bear her own company. But spoilt or self-centred?? No.

voddiekeepsmesane · 13/01/2013 19:01

I was known as a spoilt brat when younger always argued my own point of veiw and was always right in my twenties ... was 3rd of my mums and 8th of my dads. Have 1 ds he seems more empathetic than I ever was! Generalizations are ship IMO

voddiekeepsmesane · 13/01/2013 19:02

shit*

FionaJT · 13/01/2013 20:23

"overall, were less likely to be self-centred and possessive, possibly because they didn't have to worry about competing with sibs for attention and therefore had less anxiety about 'getting their own way' "

This, that Persimmon quoted, is exactly what I have observed in my DD, now 8. While some of her friends are used to jealously guarding every little thing from their siblings and seem to find sharing hard, she is secure in her own space, and happy to let her friends into it because she likes their company, and that's more important to her. (And I speak as 1 of 3 who is very wise to the territorial line-drawing ways of siblings!)

MidnightMasquerader · 13/01/2013 20:36

brighteyedandbushytailed - I've seen that argument before, and I have to say I couldn't disagree more!

For a start, if you have more than 1 child, then you have to teach them to share. Otherwise parenting them is a deeply annoying and tedious round of ignoring refereeing their squabbles and interferring in their game playing.

And even children without siblings will quickly alienate friends if they refuse to share, always want to hog and won't take turns.

Besides, adults do share. They share all the time! Maybe not toys or tangible things. But they share time, and help friends out. Likeable adults are generous with their time and thoughts and friendship. You have friends round for dinner and share food and wine with them. You buy them birthday presents and shout a round of drinks in the pub, maybe. Work colleagues share all the time - joint effort on projects, ideas, training, assistance.

I honestly think that if sharing isn't nurtured in little ones in a very tangible way, then they don't end up doing and understanding lots of less tangible ways of sharing into adulthood - the sorts of things which ease you through life, make people like you and warm to you and want to be around you.

AllDirections · 13/01/2013 21:08

The only downside with my dh, because I'm sure this stems from him being an only, is that he can't argue!'

I'm one of 5 and I can't argue.

Someone said recently that if she hadn't known DD3 had siblings she would have thought she was an only child.

I think previous posters are right, you can't generalise. But some of them have been very rude to the OP, she only asked a question

Cat98 · 13/01/2013 21:15

Ds is an only child and it is hard not to spoil him.. Not with material things, but with him having his way with regards to games we play etc. though starting school has knocked some of that out of him I think!
I can honestly say that the most spoilt child I know is not an only.

noddyholder · 13/01/2013 22:27

God my ds can't stop arguing

Samnella · 13/01/2013 22:37

YABU. And a tad insensitive. There are many people on here for various sad reasons only have one child. They really don't need to read this type of bull.

OTOH, if I apply your logic; does that make you an only child OP?

CloudsAndTrees · 13/01/2013 22:46

I'm going to go against the grain a bit, as an only child, and I think they can be quite used to getting their own way.

DH and I are both onlies, and were definitely spoilt as children. I was spoilt in material ways, I had far too many toys, and I can see looking back that I probably was quite a spoiled brat in some ways. At the same time, i can remember being very jealous of my many cousins who all had siblings. Now that I'm an adult I don't think I am, I'm the opposite if anything because I'm quite laid back so don't mind things like my friends changing plans or doing what they would prefer to do. My closest friend is one of five, and she always wants her own way. It doesn't bother me.

DH wasn't spoilt with material things, he had fairly little while growing up, but he was extremely spoilt emotionally. Even now, his parents would ask how high if he told them to jump. It's taken him quite a few years of adulthood for him to realise that the world doesn't actually revolve around him, and he gets quite embarrassed at how spoilt he used to be. It's not his fault though, he didn't know any different while he was growing up as he was the only child in his whole family, and his Mum had a miscarriage both before and after he was born which I don't think helped.

happybubblebrain · 13/01/2013 22:49

Separately I knew of two only children (both from single parent families) growing up, one was a friend, the other was someone I was at college with. Both of them liked things their own way. They both had lots of confidence. And, weirdly they've both grown up to be successful film directors, one is a household name in this country, the other lesser well-known, but still doing really well in Hollywood. So maybe it's not such a bad thing in the long run.

My dd is an only child, she's always liked things her way, but she's also considerate of others. She likes to win everything and is a born leader. I'm seeing this as a big positive.

RubyGates · 13/01/2013 22:58

Well, both OH and I are onlies. We'll both give anyone anything if they need it, and are generally very easy-going and laid back. BUT we both like personal space, and can't stand being "helped". (OH is currently doing the puzzle I bought as a Christmas present and is guarding it like a particularly grumpy terrier,)

I'm happy to go with anyone's plans and just enjoy being around my friends regardless of what they're doing.

Tuppence2 · 13/01/2013 23:32

WRT to the sharing thing and bossing other children about, when I was little I found it that it was friends with younger siblings who used to boss me about, as that was what they did at home. Whereas, because I was an only, I would just go along with it, because regardless of what I was being told to do, I had a friend over to play with.
I was forever lending my toys to so called friends and very often didn't get them back - that is not the behaviour of a spoilt brat. And even now if someone asks me for something I will do my best to help them.

Oh, and I hate being the one in a group who gets left to make a final decision about something.

giveitago · 13/01/2013 23:40

Oooh not sure if I agree. Df only child, me only child and ds only child. Too early to say for ds, but certainly myself and df are not 'spoilt'. If spoilt means we had a lot, yes we did. But no one could ever accuse us of wanting our own way, not sharing etc (I find other people v. tight).

I think the most prominent characteristics of only children is that we're often very self sufficient/independent because of no playmates 24/7. I'm not that fussed about company - love my friends like family but also very much appreciate my own space.

Also you have to get on with others so a bit too lax on my own boundaries perhaps?

LibraryMum8 · 14/01/2013 01:15

YABU. I have only one child, ds, 11. I have found the opposite to be true, actually. Generally the children we know that have siblings are far more spoiled than our ds is. So I think it is a unfair generalization.

On the other hand, we get complimented all the time on ds' disposition, and of my friends that are only children, they too have exemplary manners and disposition.

I will, however, tell you this. It is very difficult for only children to "get" sibling behaviour such as beating each other up and then loving them the next minute. I try to explain that "they are brothers/sisters, that's sometimes how it is" but he can't get the idea of having a love/hate relationship with a sibling, and I think this sometimes transcends down when they have close friends later in life.

I have a brother that as a child I loved greatly but of course we fought sometimes. Never at any point in my life with him did I think "If I fight with him we won't be brother/sister anymore" but I had a friend that was an only and we got into quite a bad row.

When the row was over, we both said things - true things - but awful things to each other. Silly me, thinking people have fights - I still Love them, but she has definitely moved on. The fight was on both sides too, so it isn't as if she was at all innocent in the row. We were both responsible. The difference was, that I loved her as I would a sister, and after the row - Poof - she was gone. I think being an only, she just couldn't grasp Loving someone one minute, getting into a bad row, thinking it over, both apologising and back to being close again. Sure, the relationship might have 'changed' and us maybe not being as close. But she just packed up and moved on, and I think not having that extremely close bond like a sibling would be contributed to her not being able to "get" that one argument doesn't mean the end. I could be wrong, but I don't think it helped any.

DarkRedRidingHood · 14/01/2013 01:29

There are many people on here for various sad reasons only have one child. They really don't need to read this type of bull.

There are things written on this forum every day that always going to offend and upset someone, be it weight, style of parenting, smoking, abusive partners.

The OP never said all onlies are spoilt brats and even said she wouldn't generalise but was seemingly just opening it up for discussion with other users.

CommanderShepard · 14/01/2013 09:45

Er, the title is "to wonder if all only children are spoilt?" - how is that not generalising?

Come to think of it, the two most self-centred people I know are both the eldest of three siblings.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 14/01/2013 10:01

I'm an only and was very spoiled when I was growing up, but I was never allowed to act like a brat which you friend is, I was also the only child in my family for 12yrs so was spoiled by my grandparents and aunt too

As an adult I don't act in a self-centred way and would never change plans without discussing it with friends.

The only problem I have which I'm convinced comes from being an only is that I like my own space and can't tolerate being around people for any length of time, i get really irritated after about 2hrs.

Fakebook · 14/01/2013 10:05

Erm, YABU. My good friend is an only child and she is very laid back and prefers me to do the organising for meet ups. I have to force her to make decisions as I feel like I'm taking over sometimes.

Lueji · 14/01/2013 10:15

I don't know about other only children, but DS is an only child and he's not spoilt in that way.

The daughter of a friend is a bit, though.

My nephews all have siblings and are much more selfish than DS.

It is possible that your friend is like this because she was spoilt as a child and her parents did do everything she wanted (which does not mean that all only children are spoilt - just that her parents didn't parent her well), or she's just selfish and self-centrered.

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