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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to bugger off?

56 replies

namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 14:30

Long story short this bloke is an ex from 10+ years ago.

I am sick to the back teeth of him turning up at my house uninvited. He's done it since we split up. Sometimes months go by where i don't see him but since I've been single he's turning up sometimes twice a week.

He's always got a sob story that makes me feel sorry for him and then he ends up staying hours! It's making me feel like i can't relax in my own home.

He just turned up now and i told him i was cleaning and then going out so had no time to chat. He then told me what my recent ex was doing and asked who had left my house 5 mins earlier! It was my teenage son who he thought was my new boyfriend!

I managed not to let him in and now i feel guilty.

My son thinks i should tell him straight i don't like him and don't want him coming over.

So would i be unreasonable to tell him to bugger off?

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 13/01/2013 14:32

Yup tell him

I don't think you have to be as blunt as saying you don't like him, but maybe say you have moved on with your life and you don't think him visiting is helpful for either of you in those terms

StraightTalkinSheila · 13/01/2013 14:32

YANBU. Tell him to fuck off for good measure.

WinkyWinkola · 13/01/2013 14:34

He's clearly got a thick skin. Keep on telling him you're busy. Never let him in again.

wewereherefirst · 13/01/2013 14:35

Just tell him to fuck off. He's a stalkery weirdo!

Original poster
namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 14:37

He has got a very thick skin. I once phoned my land line from my mobile and pretended it was my sister asking me to baby sit. As i was pretending to talk to my sister the phone rang and he still didn't get the message.

I've also been caught hiding from him on more than one occasion.

OP posts:
ArkadyRose · 13/01/2013 14:39

Just tell him to bugger off and get a life.

amazingmumof6 · 13/01/2013 14:39

son's right, boot him.

in fact I'd tell him that you are not interested in his life anymore or him being in yours and he must leave you alone.

you could threaten him that if he doesn't stop coming over you'll call the police or get a restraining order against him (just threats, but might work?)

do not feel guilty, he's interfering with your life, you do not answer to him! how dare he ask who's just left, he should mind hie own sad business

I would never let him in again and would make it really clear that he's not welcome anymore!

NeverBeenToMe · 13/01/2013 14:39

I had a 'friend' like this. He would turn up uninvited, and even if it was obvious we were off out he would stand dithering on the doorstep. Ultra thick skin and no idea of social niceties. I have texted him to suggest that he texts to check if it's convenient in future. If he turns up, I tell him I'm busy, and have minimal conversation. And don't feel guilty!

Original poster
namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 14:45

He knows if i tell him to text first then I'll make excuses for him not to come over.

The funniest thing is i was only with him for 2 weeks then i ditched him for being a control freak!

He spent 2 years befriending me and at a particularly down part of my life i went out with him again for 4 weeks before his true colours emerged and i ditched him again for being a control freak!

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 13/01/2013 15:54

YANBU, get rid

scaredbutexcited · 13/01/2013 15:58

YANBU. Don't respond to phone/texts. Don't answer the door if you know it's him and don't let him in the house.

worsestershiresauce · 13/01/2013 16:06

He sounds a little scary if you ask me. If it were me I'd tell him enough was enough, he had to stop coming round, and never let him in. Don't be a victim.

BrandonFlowersHoHoHo · 13/01/2013 16:20

YANBU

Tell him straight, you'll never get rid of him otherwise. As for asking about the people coming and going from house, tell him to mind his own business. His he stalking out your house?

YourHandInMyHand · 13/01/2013 16:22

He's a control freak stalker - seems like a no brainer what you should do.

Tell him to do one!

RSVP · 13/01/2013 16:38

YANBU
Make him having to come up with answers rather than you.
If he asks who is it coming out of your house, ask him why he needs to know.
If he comes round uninvited, tell him you are busy with NO other explanation.

pictish · 13/01/2013 16:42

You would not be unreasonable in telling him to bugger off, no.
Why have you not done so already??

YorkshireDeb · 13/01/2013 16:56

YANBU. You owe this guy nothing. You might have to put up with a week of feeling bad, or him being 'upset' at what you say but act like a bitch so he doesn't want to come back. He clearly thinks you're too nice to say anything at the moment. Prove him wrong. X

HecatePropolos · 13/01/2013 16:59

He sounds like a stalker to me. Keeps tabs on when you're single, shows up at your house, clearly watches people coming and going!

Stop feeling like it's your responsibility to make him feel happy. It's not. His sob stories are his own problem and he can't make you feel guilty if you don't let him.
You have to tell him to leave you alone, you really do. This isn't a good situation.

emsyj · 13/01/2013 17:19

I agree with worsestershiresauce - this is ringing alarm bells and I would be wondering what he might do when you tell him enough's enough. He seems to have a rather strange and unhealthy interest and it's a bit sinister that he's watching people come and go. Be careful.

deleted203 · 13/01/2013 17:28

You went out with him for 2 weeks and 10 years later he's still hanging round???? Are you mad, woman? If you are sick to the back teeth with him turning up then tell him to leave you alone. It's not even a question of 'my life has moved on'......you never HAD a life together!

Original poster
namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 17:30

I'll reply properly later when i get on the pc but i don't think I'm in danger from him. I am a bit creaped out though that he knew what ex was doing 2 miles away and he must have been outside my house for at least 5 mins to have seen ds leave.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 13/01/2013 17:38

He sounds like a stalker to me too.
You have to make it clear that you don't want him visiting you any more, and be firm about it.
If that doesn't work I'd call the police.

MadBusLady · 13/01/2013 17:43

Fecking hell, you were with him for a total of 6 weeks?? Definitely creepy behaviour on his part.

The trouble is if you say "I don't want to have any further contact with you, please leave me alone" it really DOES have to be that obvious. And you can't get drawn into why, or backing down in any way. Otherwise if you hedge it around with social niceties he'll use all the wiggle room that gives him.

Could you say something that bald?

TiaMariaandSpringCleaning · 13/01/2013 17:45

Ohh, he sounds really creepy! TBH, it sounds like he is still trying and to an extent, succeeding to control you all these years later.

If you have no interest in a friendship with him, then you need to be very clear with him that you don't want him calling any more. Consistently say no when he calls and do not engage in conversation with him beyond saying no - this man has you faking phonecalls and hiding in your own home - thats awful!

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/01/2013 17:52

He sounds a bit creepy. I think you need to tell him to stop contacting/visiting you as you find his attention inappropriate. I would perhaps consider logging this with the police, too. His behaviour is not acceptable.