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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to bugger off?

56 replies

namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 14:30

Long story short this bloke is an ex from 10+ years ago.

I am sick to the back teeth of him turning up at my house uninvited. He's done it since we split up. Sometimes months go by where i don't see him but since I've been single he's turning up sometimes twice a week.

He's always got a sob story that makes me feel sorry for him and then he ends up staying hours! It's making me feel like i can't relax in my own home.

He just turned up now and i told him i was cleaning and then going out so had no time to chat. He then told me what my recent ex was doing and asked who had left my house 5 mins earlier! It was my teenage son who he thought was my new boyfriend!

I managed not to let him in and now i feel guilty.

My son thinks i should tell him straight i don't like him and don't want him coming over.

So would i be unreasonable to tell him to bugger off?

OP posts:
Chottie · 13/01/2013 17:55

I have alarm bells ringing very loudly in my ears - this is not 'normal' behaviour. Do not answer the door when he rings. Have no further contact with him. Your son is right.

Original poster
namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 18:09

I do try and not answer the door but the living room is right next to the front door so you can see in. If i don't answer he'll go round the back with big patio doors so there's no where to hide.

I'm going to have to tell him straight aren't i?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 18:11

I do try and not answer the door but the living room is right next to the front door so you can see in. If i don't answer he'll go round the back with big patio doors so there's no where to hide.

I'm going to have to tell him straight aren't i?

OP posts:
ArkadyRose · 13/01/2013 18:12

Yes, you are. Stop trying to be nice - he hasn't earned nice. Just tell him straight - "I don't want you coming around ant more, we aren't friends, just leave me alone." Don't get drawn into a conversatuon about it; use the "broken record" method and just keep repeating that you don't want to see him and he has to leave you alone.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2013 18:16

YANBU to tell him to bugger off. YABU to feel guilty. You owe him nothing.

Next time, ask if he can stay a bit longer as your new boyfriend will be home from his karate class and has heard so much about him he is just itching to meet him.

Actually, no, just tell him to take a hike.

HecatePropolos · 13/01/2013 18:18

you don't have to hide.

He can stand at the window and look straight in and you STILL don't have to answer the door.

You can get up, look him in the eye and close the curtains.

You don't owe him anything.

We women are conditioned to be 'nice'.

It is, at times, the worst thing we can do.

Original poster
namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 19:13

I never thought of it like that Hecate, i don't have to hide do i. He probably just stay outside forever though?

When i first dumped him he worked in a garage and used to turn up in customers cars so I'd answer the door.

OP posts:
HecatePropolos · 13/01/2013 19:14

He is stalking you.

I know it's scary to accept that, but he is.

Sleepyfergus · 13/01/2013 19:20

If at all possible, tell him. straight when someone else is there. I know that's nigh on impossible to predict, but I'm a bit worried how he might react and I don't think you should be on your own. Sorry, I don't mean to scare.

Original poster
namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 19:30

I honestly don't think I'm in danger from him. I will be telling him though.

He's really sad and lonely it'll be like kicking a puppy that's why i feel so bad.

I don't want him as a friend though and there's no way on god's earth I'd ever get back with him so it has to a done.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 13/01/2013 19:35

Just be careful Name. I have seen other people on here dub male attention "sad and lonely" that had my hair standing on end! I hope you're right.

This is definitely the right thing to do. If (as I hope it won't) it ever gets to you having to call 101 about this guy, the first thing they will say is "Have you told him clearly in words of one syllable and with no ifs or buts to leave you alone?" It has to be SO direct that he cannot have any possibly excuse for misunderstanding you.

Good luck.

AgentZigzag · 13/01/2013 19:38

This man's not thick skinned and unaware you don't want him there, he knows exactly what he's doing and is choosing to ignore the fact you don't want him round.

Some people do get fixated after they've only had a short relationship with the person. Perhaps because they don't know the person well enough they can set up this fantasy of what they think/want them to be like, and any deviation from this (like you not feeling as strongly about him as he'd like you to) will just be ignored or explained away.

People have gone to the police with much less than's happened to you, and the police have taken it very seriously.

I wouldn't have any contact with him again, but if you feel better saying something before you cut off contact, just tell him straight and then ignore, if he carries on when there's no doubt you don't want him there definitely go to the police.

manicbmc · 13/01/2013 19:44

If he's so sad and lonely may be he should look at his freaky, stalker behaviour as to why.

Tell him not to come round any more, or contact you in any way. There is no need for him to speak to you. You have no kids together and very little history.

MadBusLady · 13/01/2013 19:49

Re: sad and lonely. I was thinking in particular of the nanny masturbation thread, anyone remember that? The OP was round a single dad's house on their DC's playdate, and he started telling her about how (a) he was really lonely and couldn't meet anyone and (b) he could sometimes hear the nanny masturbating. Confused

Responses were equally divided between "Aw, he is a poor little lonely flower, don't judge him, he probably just says the wrong thing, maybe make friends with him" and "Get the fuck away from this inappropriate weirdo! He knows perfectly well he made you uncomfortable, he's testing your boundaries to see if you let it go."

Guess what, a few days later he cornered another mum at the OP's school in the playground and did it again. So not a one-off social awkwardness thing, at all.

TL;DR I agree with AgentZigzag. This guy very likely knows you are uncomfortable with it. He likes it that way.

thenightsky · 13/01/2013 19:50

I had an ex like this who creeped me out, texting stuff about what was happening in my life right now. Urgh.

Tell him butt out of your life and stop stalking you. Now.

Original poster
namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 19:56

I'm starting to worry now.

OP posts:
DoJo · 13/01/2013 19:59

You don't know how long he was sitting outside to see your son leave, but you DO know that he waited until you were more likely to be on your own before coming to the door and bothering you. That's not really reassuring is it?

Callycat · 13/01/2013 20:01

That he is "sad and lonely" is his problem to fix, not yours. He has made an active choice to pity himself.

Can't remember the source, but a psychologist once wrote that, sometimes, we CHOOSE to remain heartbroken as a way of maintaining an emotional connection to the ex-partner. The key word is "choose". Honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

StuntGirl · 13/01/2013 20:03

10 years did you say? Christ on a bike. I have a very-long-ago ex in my life still because he's a lovely person who I consider a good friend and who actually enhances my life. And who doesn't creepily hang around my house stalking me Hmm

It sounds like he has no boundaries, if you want him out of your life you're going to have to be very clear and very blunt.

Original poster
namechanger11111 · 13/01/2013 20:11

I'm going to text him i think but how on earth do i word it?

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 13/01/2013 20:11

He's a creepy weirdo stalker.

I wouldn't be surprised if he ups the ante after being told to leave you alone.

Be careful.

HecatePropolos · 13/01/2013 20:15

I would probably text something like "I have tried to be polite but I have had enough and I must insist that you leave me alone. Do not contact me again. Do not come to my house. I will report any further contact by you to the police."

but yes, as Santas says, he may well escalate things.

I actually think you should get advice first.

click here

and here

MadBusLady · 13/01/2013 20:20

Don't send anything right now - I'm sorry if we've made you a bit panicky, there's absolutely no need for that. It's probably just a bit of a shock to look at what's been happening in a different light. You CAN sort this out, chances are a bit of assertion from you and he will leave you alone.

Does he have your number? If not, probably not a good idea to text and give him it.

If you do feel unable to say/word it, I think the alternative idea of just ignoring/blatantly not answering the door or engaging is valid - as long as you can stick to it.

RedToothbrush · 13/01/2013 20:20

I'd be looking up 'harassment orders'.

Just in case.

LadyBeagleEyes · 13/01/2013 20:22

Oh poor Op, I'm so sorry we're scaring you.
He more than likely just needs to be told firmly but if he's still coming even after you tell him, the police will help.
Remember to write down dates and times of when he turns up.
How old is your son?
And do you have a friend that can be around when you speak to him, preferably male.

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