To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

[secretagent007]

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

There are 3 boys - the son of the OP and her ex, and the twin boys of ex and OW

You don't have to work long hours in a job to earn money! What if the sm has a business of her own where she works a couple of days a week but earns a lot? Or is part of a family business where she earns a lot but it can only be spent on her kids (I'm thinking farming or some such where ponies etc effectively don't cost much but as the business pays the business decides who benefits and with all the inheritance issues that would entail it would be not only fair but sensible to keep it all separate.) furthermore, if there is inherited money for sm maintenance and for her first child it would be highly unlikely that there were no trust funds/caveats set up that she cannot change.

I do however think the exh needs to man up and not force his first set of kids to watch the 2nd set of kids. That's just rubbing it in.

Op - could you not see it as a challenge to increase your own earning power ?

Yes the ow does not sound very nice, she can afford those activities for her kids you can't so an alternative solution whereby your children do not have to sit on the side has to be reached. Te bedroom issue is fine, they do not live there permanently, the other children do so of course they hav their own rooms. At least your children have a room with a bed while there. Mabey they can tie some stuff with them to make it more homely whilst they are there. I think you are still hurting and bitter. Yes you have to rack lope your ex over the issues tat I have mebpntione

"it would be not only fair but sensible to keep it all separate" - really even it means two siblings grow up to loathe the sight of each other - purely because one was treated like the primary one - and other like cinderella? Isnt that relationhip important in life? If they dont naturally get on - fine - but it doesnt sound as if that relationship is being given enough of a chance with the current set up.

OP I really wouldnt ask her - its obvious whats going on - she hasnt offered so far - I agree with other posters saying she is slyly undermining your children...

If you approach her - do it properly as Kung said with the longer view you will then go to court - so with eveidenec you can show in court...I think court is your only option even if the threat of it - and never actually getting there - sorts the situation.

Its not something I would ever put my own DD through...I would be approaching, if no result - straight back to court - and keep going until I got a judge who can see what a vile situation this is - and helped me do something about it. "just jealously" - jealousy is one of the most powerful emotions - unchecked - people kill each other - Othello!

Surely is is not unreasonable to expect your EXP to spend the same amount on each of his children... so if he is paying for half the upkeep of a pony, dance lessons and costumes etc then he should set aside the same amount to be used on your DC's regardless of your income/financial contribution.

Ah, thanks BadLad, I was thinking last night OP should have started thread with a list of the children and then explained the dilemma, lol.

Lets not forget the nephew who lives there all week who the SM apparently treats well. So clearly, she knows how to behave but does not want to treat her sc nicely.

So, the essence of the original complaint is that the 10, 8 and 6 year olds go to watch the other two 6 year olds undertake an activity of a Saturday morning. Presumably this takes an hour. Then all five children are taken to soft play, wave pool, a film, a meal out, which is paid for in full by their father.

So really, he's spending a fair wad of money on the children, only that the twins do a - changing, and presumably shortish - thing first before they all go and have fun together. I mean, that's not fair, but it's hardly Cinderella, is it?

And OP also mentions that her eldest DD has huge issues with the other similarly-aged DD. That must be really hard. All that glamour, and pony riding, which is a big deal at ten. I think that's a lot of the real issue, isn't it? That OP is struggling, and trying her best to raise three children on a shoe string, and the SM is waltzing around all glamour and ponies and fun, and her DD is taking it out on her. So of course the OP resents the situation. But the original scenario, with the short activity and then the Full Filled Extravanga Saturdays, are not the problem. The problem is that one set of children have a charmed life, and the other set struggle.

YABU. Why shouldn't her children benefit from her healthy finances. Why should yours??

The watching activities issue aside, the OP's children do most definitely benefit from the ex's new situation though. If he was still with the OP, he may not be able to afford the cinema/soft play etc trips. Also I imagine the lifestyle in general is more affluent, which they will undoubtedly benefit from the remainder of the time they're there. Food, eating out, trips etc etc

If the step mum paid for the OPs kids to do these extra activities they'd be missing the classes every fortnight.

I have no comment on whether the OP is BU but the logistics of accomodating 9 children doing activities is making my head spin.

If he was still with the OP, they would have (presumably) 3 dc on a fireman's wage and another wage and be doing fine with that. They could probably afford riding lessons and/or ballet for the 10 year old if they wanted to. But no point in thinking about things that are not to be.

No, if he was still with the OP then all those tax credits would presumably disappear. I doubt £30k + min wage job would equal riding lessons, ballet, weekly cinema trips, soft play, eating out etc etc for 3 children would be feasible on those wages, really

I think it is too much to ask for the Stepmother to pay for the other three children to participate in the activities if they are expensive, but a feeling of resentment and unfairness benefits nobody, and the likelihood is that everybody will be happier if something can be done.

"considering he pays you next to nothing for child support"

Where did that assertion come from? Clearly I have no idea of his salary. Say he's on £30k. He gets max 25% deduction for the other children, so his monthly maintenance payment would be circa £307pm. Hardly next to nothing. And don't forget the tax credits the OP receives will disregard this payment, so will be generous.

I wouldn't pay towards your DC.

DH has a DD from a previous marriage, and our DC will be going to private school, together we can afford to do lots of activities with them/for them. I would not pay money towards DHs EX so that her DD can do activities.

I work hard to pay for my DCs and all that they need, I do not work to sub DHs EX!

"the OP's children do most definitely benefit from the ex's new situation though. If he was still with the OP, he may not be able to afford the cinema/soft play etc trips"

Wow.

We dont know ops personal circs in terms of arguing etc and home atmosphere, personally mine were much better when they spilt up - but far too late.

I speak with passion about the ops daughter because I had a fleeting moment of this myself.

When I was little I was very into acting - very into it - loved it - took great parts in school plays and firmly wanted to go to drama school.

My DF had an affair with a lady whose daughter at the time was a v famous actress.

I felt humilated and my poor DM did too....

Had my DF gone onto live with this woman, I do know catagorically that DF suddenly being able to take me to sort play and the cinema would not have made up for my smashed and broken family, my destroyed - mother - the saddness in our family - and the difficulty with all of that and then on top of all those problems - a huge wealth divide...where someone elses acheivements and lifestyle were literally like cinderalla where I was cinderalla.

soft play and a cinema trip really reall really does not make up for that.

of course not eliza. Ridiculous to even suggest that the dc are benefitting from being taken to soft play and the like

All children are innocent you cant punsih innocent children because of thier DM or DF.

If I was step mum - and I wasnt the OW - and I took on a relationship knowing there are other children involved - then I take on that responsibilty as part and parcel of being with that man.

If there is enough money to pay for the other children to join in with thier siblings I would do it - even if the ex W is deliberlaty being awkard for some reason and not paying.

If I couldnt afford to pay for them - I couldnt afford too...but IF i could I would pay for them. They are children.
I would also value my relationship with those children more than the money - if I could afford to pay for them.

of course it doesn't make up for it for goodness sake, I didn't say that. My advice to the OP has categorically been to remove the children from this toxic situation by starting access after the activities they are made to watch.

But all those slating the SM for not sharing her wealth, what I am saying is that the children do undoubtedly benefit indirectly from her wealth in material terms while there

you wrote: "the OP's children do most definitely benefit from the ex's new situation though. If he was still with the OP, he may not be able to afford the cinema/soft play etc trips"

It is a ridiculous comment

I thought the op was fairly clear with how many children.

The bedroom thing is a no brainer really, they don't live with dad from what I can tell they are with him every other weekend and once during the week,this means they live with the op so not having a room at dads is no big deal,lots and lots of children have this arrangement when they visit the nrp. They are not expected to sleep on one room with the adults or on the floor of the living room ( that I would have a minor issue with) .

The activity thing is what I would consider a big issue and this thread it indercates lots of other people agree,to me that surgests its a reasonable complaint. But how you deal with it is fairly important because some things may make you appear unreasonable.

If you ask sm to fund anything you will sound unreasonable and that will give dad license to ignore it.

But it is not unreasonable to ask dad to either not do activity s where some of his children ( the same ones every time)are watching from the sidelines every time he has contact or to make sure those children are not being left out. There are several ways he could do that.

1. Get someone else to take some kids to activity s and stay home with ones who don't have any.

2.collect your children after his other children have completed activity s

1. Arrange with activity people to have a pay per use with the children who cannot attend every week.

1. Find out if the activity s offer a sibling reduction.

1. Have the children he lives with only do activity s every other week.when the others are not there.

1. Make the activity something inexpensive and one he can afford for all such as swimming,

1. ( this one would be your doing) check your local authority to find out if they offer something like a wise/ leasure/ concession card something like this

www.wiltshire.gov.uk/leisureandrecreation.htm

Or simerler, if you are on a low income inc tax credits you apply for it for you and the children most LA's issue separate cards for all family members so the children can use them independently any activity s that are council run or receive gov funding will accept the one in your area. And they could use them whilst with dad and with you. Giving him a discount.

Granted you have a court order but there is nothing wrong with ignoring it if certain things happen stuff like the suituation changing and resulting in something that causes a child distress.

As long as the court did not have the info when the order was made it makes it a change.

A court order should provide for a suituation that is in the best interests of the children if it no longer does so then it can be changed if needed, some parents will be able to resolve issues without going back to court but some won't.

Its down to the person who wishes to enforce the order to try and do so by going back to court but obviously try to resolve the issue reasonably first, if needed do it in writing so you can demonstrate you have tried. But confine it to reasonable issues and reasonable requests don't go jumping in with every tiny complaint or with requests for the sm to fund things as that will not work and could make you look grabby and vindictive

Your Ex-P needs a gigantic kick up the arse.
It is up to him to decide how to entertain your/his DCs appropriately.
Rather than just tagging along with the existing arrangements, he should either talk to his wife about including all the DCs in the the existing activities or find something fun to do with his DCs that he can afford while the SM takes her DCs to their activities.

But that conversation, between Ex-P and his new wife, is none of your business. How your Ex-P funds the activities he does with your DCs is not really the issue - the issue is that he needs to find something special and fun for your DCs to do which he can afford.

The OP has stated that her children dont do ANY activities. In that context I would say that doing something like going to the cinema/soft play is a good thing, yes.