To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

[secretagent007]

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

Sorry clickable link

www.wiltshire.gov.uk/leisureandrecreation.htm

As a mother your child comes first, and this is what both OP and SM are doing. SM happens to afford the extras for her children so why should she fork out for OPs children?

OP you need to speak to your XP and not SM. Personally, I wouldn't have the guts to ask such a favour from SM/OW. I would dread what venom SM would spit at me.

I think the SM and her money is irrelevant in one sense here. When Ex has his children from his first relationship he should be doing 'something' with them. It does not have to be galloping around the countryside, or practising to be Andy Murray. Frankly, my 6 year old is so knackered from school most Saturdays he just wants to play in his room. Sometimes we get it together to go swimming or for a walk, but the emphasis is on family time and relaxing, eating , chatting. That is what his children need once a fortnight. Time to know that their father loves them and has time for them. Why can't all the kids sit round the (presumably massive) kitchen table and paint/play a board game? Or go for a fabulous long walk with a picnic, via a park?

My cousin ended up in a blended family for a couple of years where he was treated like a second class citizen. To the extent that he was fed different food to his step-brother, slept in the living room on a pull-out while his SB had a room to himself. When they went to the pub he would be given tap water while his SP had lemonade. He moved back to his father's when he reached 16 but he has never forgotten or forgiven his parents for putting him in that situation. He has grown into a lovely man, but has little relationship with his family now.

And I'm sorry, a couple of posters have made disparaging comments about first wives. If you get together with someone that has children, before or after their marriage ends, you take on a family, not just a man. You should NEVER come first with him, his children should always come first. They didn't choose the situation, YOU did. If it's too fucking hard for you to manage, emotionally or financially, find a man without kids. I have no time for that attitude.

becasuse spots she married a man she knew had children , she would also have known about his e'w financial situ.

doesnt anyone consider the children of ex partners in these set ups? Before they commit to each other shouldnt as adults the new wife and ops ex discuss things like this - and whats fair on the children?

or is it ok to walk all over them and treat them like cinderella? TBH i would be totally put off any man willing to treat his own children like this in terms of DD1. TBH i wouldnt touch a man with a barge pole that could do this to his own DD1. Its vile vile behaviour and girls and thier daddies?

"considering he pays you next to nothing for child support"

Where did that assertion come from? Clearly I have no idea of his salary. Say he's on £30k. He gets max 25% deduction for the other children, so his monthly maintenance payment would be circa £307pm. Hardly next to nothing. And don't forget the tax credits the OP receives will disregard this payment, so will be generous.

Well compared to what he is providing his children with the new wife it is next to nothing. He is paying her the bare minimum (OP stated this) Reduces this each time she slings another kid out... It's just vile all round.

And yes, I'm sure OP is rolling in it on tax credits.

He should be providing the SAME for all his kids. I cannot believe two adults can be so vile. I really cannot. you enter a relationship with somebody who has children you take on the responsibility of those children when they are in your care. You provide for them the same.

The sort of people this poor woman and her children have to put up with are the reason i am terrified of how my daughters Dads wife will turn out. I bet she claimed to 'love them as her own' at first too!

People like the step mum just shouldn't get with men who have children - They are obviously no good for it and out to hurt the poor bloody kids as much as they can.

"My cousin ended up in a blended family for a couple of years where he was treated like a second class citizen. To the extent that he was fed different food to his step-brother, slept in the living room on a pull-out while his SB had a room to himself. "

you have reminded me of a comment that a social worker said on here once that alot of cases of child abuse - one child has nice room and the other has been singled out and bullied and treated appallingly.

elizaregina What's the ex doing that is so terrible to DD1? He makes her wait an hour or so every Saturday morning why her brothers finish their sports commits before taking her out to the cinema and out for a meal? Oh the horror!

Of course the other children should take priority room wise, they live there - it's their home!

That's appalling Eliza!

I don't understand the attitude of some people saying "why should the SM pay for the OP's children." or "I would not use my money to fund the Ex-W" It is not funding the 'Op's children' or funding the 'ex-W', it funding the children of the man you loved enough to marry! It's not as if the Op is just refusing to pay half for the activities even though she can afford it, she has said that she is struggling to make ends meet as it is so just cannot afford to go halves.

This woman must know what heartache she has helped to cause to those children by having an affair with a married man and him leaving his wife for her. Surely, anyone with an ounce of decency in them would be bending over backwards in that situation to try to make the children feel as happy as possible and to ensure that the children know that Daddy still loves them just as much as his other children. If that means spending some of her money on them, and her children having a little less, then so be it.

I understand that the inheritance is for the benefit of her DD1 only, but her significant earnings (if I have understood correctly) are not. I'm not saying that it should automatically be the responsibility of the SM to pay for the activities because she had an affair with the Dad, but if he cannot afford to pay for them in full, and the Op cannot afford to go halves, one would think she would help out.

Lockedkey - It's the fact that the girls want to join in and they are not allowed to, there is no reason for this.

Someone asked earlier in the thread if the OPs girls could not just have a ride on one of the Stepmums multiple ponies. She refuses on the basis that they would hurt the ponys mouths. This is bullshit and just blatantly pushing the OPs girls out - It would cost nothing for them to have a potter around on the pony when they're there, They'd feel included, have a nice time - Where's the problem? She has no good reason to refuse this.

dreamingofmaldives - exaclty.

even if her children did thier activities at diff times of day or diff days but she helped out a little tiny bit or let her DH help out - on the days he has access....

reading some posters on here - wow - there must be alot of sad miserable little children out there - and of course - at a time when they are coming to big crossroads in thier life of big school - gcses etc....

TBH It's not even the financial aspect really - It's the blatant spite. I feel so sorry for these children i really do, And it must be awful to be the OP having to send them to this nasty piece of work.

YABU it's not her responsibility to pay for your dc to do stuff.

However, as a step mum myself, i could not imagine my dc doing stuff and my dsc missing out and in her position i would make sure they were doing exciting stuff/joining in as well.

You maybe unreasonable but she sounds like a bitch and you must hate sending them there.

Dh's children and our children are equal and i could not imagine a situation where i would consider it differently.

What is her relationship like with your children in general?

Oh and also should have said i would expect your Ex to being doing everything he can to sort the situation out.

Why should your dc have to sit and watch anyone do anything, he should be taking them somewhere else.

But Hokey they are doing fun stuff, their just having to wait a bit longer to do it.

Yes locked they are going swimming or the cinema, but after they have watched their siblings dance or ride or whatever else.

If that were the case in my family and my dc were doing stuff like that i would be saying - or would expect dh to say. Right well this isn't very fun for A and B so if they can't join in i'm going to take them to do something more fun and then we can all go to the cinema or whatever after.

Trying to explain to 10,8 and 6 year old why their siblings can do all of that stuff when they are not allowed to join in must be horrid so i would expect him to remove them from the situation and do something else.

after watched hte other siblings dance or ride- and that thier own father is funding and he refuses to fund the SAME activities for them. he then spends more on the richer children as they all go out to soft play.

Kung fu said earlier its all topsy turvey he is spending more on the richer children and penalising the pooer and deliberalty spending less on them!

Locked - Even with that though - Where is the justification for refusing to allow OPs daughters to join in something that costs absolutely nothing? That in itself says there is more to this than 'contributing half'.

Is is actually a fact that he's funding half of the children's activities though? It's not uncommon to have separate finances, but this doesn't literally mean that each and every expense is literally halved

yes dizy and the fact SHE has told HIM he must not spend more on his children with her...knowing they have less and need more to keep up with HER.

Re ponies being ridden by OP kids. A fireman who has no ridding experience cannot teach 2 kids to ride. It is a dangerous suggestion. I would not let my pony be ridden by someone who i had not assessed for riding ability.

The dad should spend his contact time doing something constructive and or fun with his kids when they are visiting. He chose to have multiple kids and families so he needs to spread his time around all kids.

I am a step mother and would never dream of dragging visiting skids to stables, piano lesson, drama lessons that there half sibling does. Likewise when their dad takes skids to play golf, he doesn't take our child (who doesn't play) with him

Vegas - The girls want to though. They wouldn't be being dragged up to the stables to be sat in a corner - And i wasn't suggesting the Dad teach them anything.

I fail to see why they cannot be given half an hours lead around the menage/field each. If they own ponies i would bet money that he will at least know how to do that - My other half has absolutely no interest in horses but within a month of meeting me he was catching up my section D stallion, turning out, rugging up, feeding... It is not hard.

She is actively preventing them from joining in with the family for no damned reason.

And what wouldn't be constructive or fun about taking his daughters for a nice wander around doing something they enjoy?

She is actively preventing them from joining in with the family for no damned reason.

Exactly that DizzyZebra

YANBU - while the children are staying there they should be treated in the same way as their children. It is not up to you to pay for activities that happen when your ex is looking after them (as some people are saying) as I am sure you have enough to pay out as the main carer. Your ex and her don't sound like they have an equal financial relationship which I think is out of order when he can't afford to pay for things for your children that their children do.