To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

[secretagent007]

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

The disparity between the two 10 year old re. Ponies etc is unfortunate but at the same time it is the one area I think the SM is behaving correctly. If her DD is her child with her late husband then she is right to use any money she inherited from him solely for that child's benefit. It is nearly universally accepted on MN that wills should be drew up to protect inheritance from subsequent marriages/children. Ofcourse it's hard for the OPs DD but it should be explained to her that the other child's daddy died and while she may have more materially, the OPs DD still has her Mummy and Daddy.

Have you thought of asking the people who run the activity if your kids could get it half price as they're only there fortnightly? Then your ex could pay that half! Or if they'll give a discount for extras from the same family? Do your kids want to do these activities? They may not mind watching?

These twins are 6 years old? Where I live activities for 6 year olds last for an hour. an hour and a half tops. I don't see a problem if this is the case and the activites last an hour, and they get to go to soft play or the pool afterwards.

I think you are making a mountain out of mole hill, especially about the bedrooms, unfortunately step children don't always get their own room, especially if they only sleep there a few nights a month. Be happy that they have beds to sleep in and are not made to sleep on the couch like many before them have had too!

Yabu, they aren't her children sorry, she shouldn't have to pay for them.

They may not be her children biologically but if you choose to become part of an existing family you cannot expect to carry on life as it was before, Everyone has to compromise.

But the SM here has chosen to disengage, which is a popular step parenting strategy. Nobody can force her to do other wise. And true everyone does have to compromise, and unfortunately that seems to be the OP and her DC, in this case.

No you are not being unreasonable. Your EX and his Wife are being absolute cunts TBH.

If they want to indulge their children in these lovely activities brilliant - but ALL children, step or not, should be able to join in. When your children are with them they ARE their responsibility - That is what having a child is. That is what happens when you marry someone who already has children.

She is obviously just being horrible - It would cost nothing for your girls to have a potter around on the pony - And the hurting it's mouth excuse is bullshit. It's easy to stop a beginner doing that - You tie a knot in the end of the reins and get them to hold that and lead them around. Simple.

At the age of 14 i taught my brother to ride without pulling my 5 year old INCREDIBLY sensitive (To the point he could not go out in the sun without covering his nose in material to prevent it hurting) mouthed pony.

She is being spiteful PLAIN AND SIMPLE. There is NO excuse for that and i would be going ape shit at that.

I feel so sorry for your kids having to put up with such vile people.

Re reading, I think we've been sold a pup with this OP.

Between the NewWife and ExH - there are 6 children? this woman biologically has 6 children, under the age of 10 and holds down a 'high paying job job' - ok, so she must be super woman but who the hell is paying the childcare? Who is she? Nicola Horlick?

It is only the NewWifes eldest two - two?? The eldest two girls go to horse shows and dance competitions in the morning.. Ok so the EXH has the other 6 children - and no one is watching anyone ride a horse.

When they get home, from this morning horse show, ExH takes the boys to their activities - undisclosed activities, that his daughters to his first marriage have to watch - then he takes the daughters swimming/cinema.

I'm starting to raise an eyebrow at this - one adult and 2 kids at the pictures would easy pay for an hours horse riding lessons.

Re the bedroom thing, you'd need Buckingham palace to house that lot in their own rooms

Still trying to work out all these children

OPs DD aged 10
OPs DD aged 8
NW DD aged 10
Twins aged 7
3X more DDs

ok again 2 eldest girls go to a morning horse show, the Ops girls have to watch the boys doing their activities, so what are the other two girls doing?

none of it makes sense unless there are a fleet of au pairs in the back ground

I think you're confused Holly that's eight children you've accounted for there.

HollyBerryBush
I have 7 DC in their own rooms, it's not actually that hard to find accommodation if you have the means and are willing to look outside the average four walled family home.

From what I gather there is 2 DD's aged 10, 1 aged 8, 3 aged 6 and 3 aged under 6.

The Op has stated that SM has a high paying job but most of her funds come from her deceased husband. I find the story pretty easy to follow and believable.

Thats right!

OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys

Her and Ex have had a further three DD's

the OP has two, and the newWife already had one

thats 8?

From orginal post
DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2,
OW already having a DD
OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys
(Her and Ex have had a further three DD's)

9 children. The OP has been pretty consistent with the number all the way through, or so I think.

Presumably the SM is paying childcare out of her salary. If she has a "high flying career" this shouldn't be an issue, particularly as the DH presumably works shifts which allows for flexibility.

Woman are quite capable of having a career and DC's you know

If two girls go off with step mum and two twin boys go off with dad then that leaves two other presumably very young DC who either go with stepmum or dad to watch their siblings.

The OPs (and "dads") DCs are 10,8 & 6 and dragged from pillar to post watching the twins.

One adult and 3 child tickets might pay for an hours lesson for one of the OPs DC but certainly not all three of them.

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8 ONE TWO. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2 THREE, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys FOUR FIVE, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD SIX who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), SEVEN EIGHT NINE

I make it nine children.

No- the OP has three (DD1, DD2 and DS) and the MWW has six (4DD and the twins), so there are nine in total.

Presumably the SM takes the 4 DD with her
Then the ex takes the twins plus his three with him (5 total)

Anyway, crux is that your Ex has the responsibility to esnure that when he sees his children, he treats them all equally. How he achieves that is his problem.

BadLad Bonus points if you go through the thread and find the extra child (though it is acknowledged as an extra DC, with an plausible explanation, so still a consistent story in my books)

High paying - not high flying - big difference - I made that original mistake too.

and I missed the OPs original son ..... I stand corrected

You're never going to get the real financial picture of what the deceased husband left, how it is tied up, what caveates are in trust funds or wills for his daughter. You aren't going to know if it's a lump sum, an anniuity etc, whether there are trustees and so forth. Or dictate how she spends her 'high' salary - presumably on her children.

And I still stand by, its the NewWifes money to spend on her children as she sees fit. It is the fathers responsibility to sort his own children out and as he seems to have 8 of them, it isn't going to go far on a firemans wage - its not as if he can moonlight with all that childcare going on. If he's paying 50% towards the new family childrens activities AND maint to the original family children, it is morally right that the first wife and the father go 50/50 on activities for their shared children.

I know it's unfair to outsiders looking in. But that is one of the downsides of step families.

lockedkey - I also came across XH's nephew, whose accomodation is shared between XH and the nephew's father. Is that who you mean?

It's a very unfortunate situation for your children, secretagent007. I think the best advice you have had is some kind of mediation where, rather than ask her to pay for your children, you discuss ways in which things can be made to seem fairer and nobody made to feel left out.

I don't see why there has to be a 50/50 split at all.

My daughter does activities with me, paid for by me, when she's with me.
She does activities with her father, paid for by her father, when she is with her father.

It is that simple. We both have partners. They understand that they chose to enter into a relationship with someone with a child and therefore take on responsibility that comes with that.

I don't understand all this 'half for this and half for that' nonsense.

Really I think the main issue here is not te activities but the way in which your ex treats his dd, preferring ow dd and bigging her up in front of your dd which is not on, making her feel awful. You have to tackle your ex over this

Regarding activities the ow does not have to pay for your children. As you live nearby Mabey your ex could pick up your children after the activities and take them out instead of the kids watching from the sidelines, they are gaining nothing from it. I would talk to your expand come to an arrangement

Agree with pigletmania

In fact, considering he pays you next to nothing for child support - If he paid for your daughters to have riding lessons it might total half of your overall expenditure you know - Being a decent parent.

My mum bought me a pony and they earned 30k between them. I think they are just being horrible.

OP Said: "There are 9 children - 3 mine, 5 theirs, 1 hers."

That seems clear, but very confusing following which child is which, which has ponies, etc. Not OP's fault. My dad is part of a 10-member sibling set like that. 4 dads and 2 moms involved.

I've come around to the YANBU side, OP. Ask the Step-Mum, she can only say No. At least you will having tried to fight your DC corner and to make the other parents more aware of the inequity.

Does anyone else think it's sad that the Bloke only seems to spend 1-to-1 time with the ONLY boy in the sibling set?

WHAT JOB does the step-mum do?! Is she a Sleb or similar? I wouldn't mind having a high paid job in spite of 6 children.