To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

[secretagent007]

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

I have not read all the posts but what a horrible situation this is!

I agree with the posters that say the problem is with the EX DP, he needs to stop making our DC's watch their step/half siblings doing their activities. It must be really boring for them quite apart from them feeling jealous.

I'd be half tempted to tell them to wander around when the activities are going on and let all the other parents knw that they are the'poor relatives'. I think I am joking

I hope you sort something out.

Calendar, are you for real, you would ask that your ex and his new partner redecorate a bedroom?? That hardly seems a priority here, let alone the fact that no ex can or should be asking/telling ex how to decorate the house he shares with his partner

I might also consider spelling it out to your DC's that the money that your DC's step mother has was given to her for 'her' DC only. Even if it is not quite trueit may make your DC'sfeel happier with the situation. It would be awful to think your DF favours his new children.

....or something like that

OP's eldest is 10 and she says the stepmother has a dd (from her previous marriage presumably) who is a month younger than this girl, so also 10. I presume she is the one dancing and horse-riding and the stepmother takes her and the toddler along to this while ex is taking the twins along to some other activity with his other dc who are visiting over the weekend.

actually sorry I don't know how many dc the OW has. One aged 10 from her previous marriage, twins aged 6 with this man and maybe some more.

Your dc's should not be having their noses rubbed in it, watching their other siblings taking part in expensive activities which you can't afford to pay half towards. Insist your ex does other things with your children when these activities take place. There are plenty of free/inexpensive things to do. IMO this is a form of emotional cruelty towards your children and it needs to end asap.

ZZZ - there are three DDs younger than the twins - the twins were the first children that the ex and the SM had together and they have another 3 DDs, so they must be younger. There is also the SM's older daughter.

This is why I am wondering if the OP is getting the true picture of what the other children actually have/do. It just seems a bit unlikely that the SM really is at horse shows with her multiple-pony owning daughters, when at least two of those daughters must be pre-schoolers!

I am wondering if there might be a bit of Chinese whispers going on.

ZZZenagain As far as I can understand there are 10 children in the household on a Saturday.1 is the SMs DD with her deceased husband, 3 are the OPs DC, 5 are the SMs and the DCs DFs children and lastly there is a nephew who spends his weekends at their home. 4 of them do an activity on a Saturday morning, 6 of them don't. Then they all meet up for a treat on Saturday afternoon.

I see. Quite a crowd!

I am confused -EH is paying for activities for the DC he has with new woman - becasue OP cant afford it - his Dc with HER do nothing except soft play - BUT - his new woman said he must not spend more or less on his children with OP?

Is ExH paying for his children with new woman or not? If so - he IS spending more on them than children with OP. So by now - surely quite a kitty should have built up to spend on his first children.

Anyway - Kung Fu and whereyouleft it - have it all spot on.

I find it mind blowing when people are talking about finances and what SM should and shouldnt pay for - no one mentions what is " morally" right!

She shouldnt pay for this or that etc...but what about morally.

What is the first DD worth? What is her little life worth, her feeling of self worth - worth? She is being set up for a life time of not being good enough - pretty enough - pushed out - wortless ....it must be pure torture for her - utter horredous nightmare.

Is anyone laughing at you on here OP, has anyone said they think you are being petty?

The problem is OP - these situs - creep up on you - they happen gradullay and before you know where you are - you poke your head up and say hang on - something is very very wrong here - and in your situation something is very very wrong.

A bar has been set - and its been set by new womans wealth - not your finances - but all the children MUST be treated equally.

It is not acceptable that your DC wacth the others and dont have thier own room etc etc...someone has to stand up for them and it sounds like it has to be you. It must not be allowed to go on.

You say the new woman is fun - yeah she is SOOO fun she happily lets this situation go on - what a fun woman!!!! If she wants her children to have expensive things to do she must allow or appreciate that his first children have to be treated the same!

She will get away with what she can - she is clearly un scrupulous - he is either weak or pathetic or plain stupid or plain nasty - so its down to you.

And even if - in the worse case scenario - the fiances dont for whatever reason get sorted by a court - or visiting times etc - at least your DC will know and rememeber you faught for them - you cared about them and you said - they are worth more than this.

well possibly if she had twins once, she had them again. Perhaps she has a dd aged 5 or say twins aged 4 who could I suppose conceivably be having riding lessons already and ballet classes. One or two are perhaps just sitting with their mother while all this goes on.

Also OP regarding maintenance you said your ex is paying the bare minimum but it had went down as they had more DC? I'm assuming this means the CSA recommended amount, which in your case would 6/7ths of 25% of 75% of his income. If he has continued to reduce the amount based on any subsequent DC after the DTs he is wrong. The CSA only give you a reduction of up to 25% for 3 or more children, it doesn't increase beyond that no matter how many DC.

I worked it out as eight children. OP has two children with ex. New wife had one of her own children. Then they had twins. Then three more children. I don't think it's as much to do with money as it being not fair on children that they must watch activities every week that they do not participate in. They either participate in said activity. Another activity is found where all the children participate. Or the children stop going until a more satisfactory arrangement is reached.

OP had 2 children and was pregnant with nr. 3 when ex went on to marry the OW. So that makes 3 plus 1 the OW already had, twins with her new dh and then another 3

yes and in mean time = do what kung said - with aim of going back to court if no solution is found, and also do reasearch and look into help for your DD and her feelings...

you only get one childhood, one chance. she has already had to have her parents split up and now this.

I don't think the Sm should pay for the op's children to do activities. It should be the op and her ex who pay.

I think there are 2 choices either the op pays half , which the ex is happy with,or she asks that they come home during hobby time. This should be very simple as they live close by.
I think it is also absolutely fine for the sm and her husband to split themselves between their children to cover hobbies.
I also agree with a poster up thread, if the ex keeps his money separately from his new wife then it is up to him what he does with the surplus so to speak.
Surely instead of taking all the children he is looking after out for a meal, he could cook a meal at home and then with the savings he has made pay the full cost of the activities for his oldest children.

Gosh where do I start. Th sm sounds awful and quite nasty tbh, it sounds she is putting down op chidren in an underhanded way. No it's not her responsibility to fund your children's activities, really your ex has to stop being a Wet blanket and see what is happening. He should ntsllow thi to happen, when your dcs come to stay, everyone should do t same activities as a family.

"!EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun."

I don't know if we been told what these fun morning activities are that the twins are doing and whether OP's dc actually want to do the same activities? If they do want to, it is a good point someone just made about saving the money from meals out to fund the activities. I nthe same way, how about ex skips the soft play, wave pool, movies and pays for his and OP's dc to do the same morning activities? Of course then the dc are not occupied all day but it wouldn't be the end of the world, would it to just hang about at home in the afternoon?

How a father can allow this is to happen is beyond me. It is emotionally cruel as VestaCurry said.

Your dcs' father should be stopping those activities which means your dcs can only be participants. The fact that your ex allows this to happen, and the fact that you think the answer is down to money is very worrying. A loving parent would never allow such blatant exclusion.

Your ex needs a wake up call. Even if you had the money to pay your half I think you need to have a serious discussion with your ex on how your dcs are being treated. It is heartless.

You may not have the same amount of money as your ex and his wife but you can provide a loving home for your dcs. Your ex is failing hugely in this area but you can fill this gap.

Forgive me if this has already been mentioned as I've only got up to page 5

But I think its wrong that his maintainance keeps going down everytime they have another child so he's not paying full maintainance but is also expecting mum to pay for social things that he chooses to go to on his contact weekends.

I wouldn't let them be collected until after activity s had finished

so all these people saying its not fair that op's kids cant join in. apart from the daughter being jealous of her step sister has op said the kids actually care about sitting and watching or want to join in whatever activity the twins are doing? are the children driving this complaint or is it you, OP?

I would think it would be unlikely for someone to raise it as an issue if the children didnt say it was.

How a father can allow his dd to be treated that way, and contribute to her feeling of low self worth is appealling, op you need to hit this on the head