To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

[secretagent007]

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

I'd take it back to court. If you word it properly it does not sound petty, not at all. It sounds nasty, calculated, unfair, unjust, and a whole host of other horrible adjectives.

She is a bitch. She chose to have a relationship with a married man who had small children and a pregnant wife and to top all of that off, she now treats his children incredibly badly.

He is the main culprit though. HE had the affair, HE had other children, HE stands by and watches his 'new' children get everything while his 'original' children get sod all. HE allows her to dictate to him how his money is spent. HE will only pay if you pay, HE is being an utter bastard. How can any man stand by and watch this happen :(

Get someone to help you word it in a professional way and take it back to court. Someone has to stand up for these kids and it's NOT going to be him.

[bunchamunchycrunchycarrots]

I'd suggest the twins accompany their older siblings to 'sit and watch' with their mum, and see how long it is before she gets pissed off with them whining how unfair it is to have to 'sit and watch'.

[HollyBerryBush]

Well, the New Wife has money, which is quite probably going to be her childrens to her deceased husband, inheritance. The money was left for the upkeep of those children from that marriage. That is why she keeps it way from your ExH.

However, YABU to expect her to fund activities directly for your children.

You are not BU to not want your children to feel second best.

You've said your ex pays the 'minimum' - is this the government going rate? Don't you get tax credits etc?

It is unfortunate but the New Wife can choose to spend her money how she ses fit on her children - your children are the responsibility of the father in this situation.

[irishkitkat]

Wouldn't the simplest solution be for your ex DH to find someone else to accompany his DTs to their activity? Possibly not the easiest thing to arrange if one of the twins has SNs but a solution anyway.

I don't believe theSM has to make any form of reparations for the fact that she was the OW. If that was the case surely there would be thousands of children all over the country receiving maintenance payments from their parents' affair partners.

Regarding your DC not having their own room, I assume they have their own rooms at your house which is ultimately their home. It's crap but that's the way it goes in many cases when the DCs only see their other parent EOW. They have a home with one parent and visit the other.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

I agree completely with HollyBerryBush.

Their father left that money for HIS children. If they were fortunate to still have their father alive with them, and he paid for his children to do these activities whilst the other children didn't do them it would be no different.

The money that SM has she has presumably kept seperate for a reason- because it was meant for her children. I don't see why she should have to foot the bill for her DP's children to do the same activities/ have same savings for their futures/ possessions bought with money left for them.

It is her DP's responsibility to sort those things out for his own children.

[lunar1]

I would be taking this back to court tbh. You ex and ow are cruel nasty people, the affair was bad enough but getting married two weeks before your due date!

I would never allow my children to be treated like this. They have no room to call theirs which is disgusting when it could clearly be afforded so they shouldn't be spending nights there. And no way should they have to watch others doing these activities.

[DoJo]

"I think that if you are the OW and instrumental in breaking up a family, then you have a moral obligation to ensure that life is as nice as possible for the dc from the marriage you helped to break up."

Why is it her responsibility more than that of the father who was even more instrumental in breaking up the relationship and is refusing to pay for his own children to do activities unless their mother pays half?

[bunchamunchycrunchycarrots]

Tbf to the OP I think she has suggested the SM pay out of frustration with the situation - it doesn't seem that she has been dumping a list of expensive requests to her XH based on how wealthy his DW is. Fair enough it's unreasonable to think the SM should pay but I don't think it's right that her DCs get indulged while the other DCs are left on the sidelines. Either not a lot of thought has gone into this arrangement (in which case try and resolve it through talking/mediation) or the thought has gone into it, and it's a whole load of unpleasant thought at best.

Most of 'us' on the other side of these situations are only too aware that its only too well it's the ex DP who is liable for children's expenses.

[bubby64]

Is there a possibility of you DC. Not going to ExH until the Saturday afternoon, when he seems to do the inclusive things, I know it's not ideal, but at least it will stop them sitting on the sidelines being ignored. I do think however that if ExH wants to have access to his DC from your relationship, he should pay for them to join in the activity with their half siblings, and, knowing what a firefighters wage is, (my DB is one), he is not that poorly paid.

[irishkitkat]

Also worth considering that the SM may believe that what she is doing is right. Many women don't want SMs, especially those who had been the OW, to have anything to do with their DCs. By being completely detached from the DCs, encouraging her DH to spend the exact same amount of money on each of his children and not interfering in what activities they may or may not do,she is, in many situations, being an ideal SM.

[AThingInYourLife]

What awful people :(

I agree with Chipping and those recommending you get a new court order.

[QueenofPlaids]

I don't have DC, so feel free to ignore, but having been in an extrndeed family where them and those were treated one way and everyone else the other, this resonated with me. (Can you tell I was part of everyone else?)

Gut feel, YABU to ask her to pay straight off. It's not her responsibility. I also understand that many second families have this 50/50 split because at an old age and with DC inheritance can get a bit complicated.

That said,i couldn't imagine taking a bunch of kids out and offering a 1st and 2nd tier offering. It's your ex's job to deal with that. He really ought to be saying that they stretch to all DC when there or if that's not possible, they choose alternative activities. Do DSC need to ride at weekend (even at weekend / in summer?).

[CrazyChristmasLady]

Seen your response on page 2.

That is ridiculous that they have so many activities on a weekend morning, they need to split it which means your children get dragged along to watch. What a fun way to spend time with their father.

You need to sit down with them both perhaps and explain that it isn't fair for them to split the children between them whilst your children get ferried along for the ride but ultimately are not allowed to take part because of finances.

They need to sort this out and have the activites at different times so just the mother can take them whilst your ex looks after your children. Or tell them that the children are so bored and left out they are resenting the time spent with their father.

[NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems]

irishkitkat makes a good point. If you look at the step-parenting section SMs are often criticized for paying any attention to their sdc's and are thus seen as trying to steal them/treat them like their own dc which is apparently wrong/poisoning them against their real mum... If they don't act like this then they are accused of other things...

Step-parents really can't win

[bamboostalks]

The inheritance is to benefit only one dd. The twin sons are not beneficiaries. I also can barely understand the dynamics of this. How can she manage to ride with what must be 3 more dd under 4/5. What an odd situation. I am amazed she can earn all this money with 6 children; 5 under 6 and another random nephew. Their childcare must be complex.

[JustFabulous]

That is not fair.

The SM could talk to the parents of her step children and ask what they are willing to let her do without there being any question of her muscling in.

Saying SP can't win is just childish.

[Bubblegum78]

I agree with the others;

It's your's and you ex's place to go halves and pay for these activities not his new wifes.

If neither of you can afford it he needs to take them elsewhere to do something not just make them sit there and watch.

This sort of thing makes me cross, my hubby and his ex have 3 children together (he is 8 years older than me and I had nothing to do with their split) their children now live with us permanantly aswell as my 1st DD from my 1st marriage and our 2DD's (so that's 6 girls in total).

Not only have I taken on her children, put a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs, plus holidays, school trips ect.. (which I do willingly) but I am now having to go to work full time to support these children and that greedy cow STILL asks us for money.

I smell jealousy, he left you for another woman who has given him another family and has a good job and wealthy lifestyle..... I understand how painful this must be but it's time to move on and your ex needs to get a grip and do what's right for his children, all of them.

Bottom line, her income is none of your buisness.

[Yamyoid]

Sorry, I've not read the thread but wanted to say that I think that's awful for your DDs. Ex and partner should include them in the activities, they should pay. Maybe you could contribute but it's their time with them and that's what they're choosing to do. We have a young relative who's the same age as my ds who visits regularly. We'd never make her sit and watch him do an activity, we'd pay for her to do it too.

[SpottyBagOfTumble]

Gosh, sounds like a hard situation. :( I hope you can work something out, but it does sound like court is the best option if he is not willing to negotiate.

[irishkitkat]

But in this case the SM has 6 children of her own. One of whom has (if I followed this correctly) lost her father at a young age and 5 DC age 6 and younger, one of whom has SNs. And a very well paid job ( Im assuming long hours?). I know she was the OW and she knew her DH had DCs but maybe she genuinely doesn't have time to play any sort of a real role in her DSCs lives and is willing to let their parents parent them without any input from her.

TBH if another woman had an affair with my DP while I was pregnant with his 3rd child I wouldn't want her to have any input, financially or otherwise.

[TandB]

It is, of course, possible that the DP is being spineless, rather than actively nasty. If he has the SM banging on at him about paying half of everything for their own children, he might have lost perspective.

Is it worth a chat about what you think is fair, OP? It might give him a bit of confidence to take on the SM about it. For example, he could decide a total budget that he is personally willing to spend on all 9 children's activities and allow their respective mothers to top it up according to their wishes/means. Or he could have a "Saturday budget" that he is willing to spend on all the children that he is looking after on the Saturday - split equally between them on the understanding that if their mothers don't think it is enough then anything they add goes into the collective pot for them all to enjoy. Then the SM can make alternative arrangements for any expensive activities she wants her own children to enjoy, at a time when their half-siblings aren't present.

At the moment he is quite deliberately spending less on the children who already have less because their mother has a smaller income, and more on the children whose mother can give them more. It's all topsy-turvy.

[TandB]

Hang on, I've just done the maths. If the DTs are 6, then the other 3 DDs are presumably a maximum of 5, 4 and 3 at a push, but probably more like 5, 3 and a toddler (unless there is another set of twins).

OP, are you sure you have the correct information about what is happening? Who is the information coming from?

It seems very odd that the SM is apparently taking 3 such small children to weekly horse shows and dance competitions. How could she possibly cope with the younger one while getting the older ones ready to ride? And it seems unlikely that the older two who cannot possibly be more than 4 and 5 really do have multiple ponies and are dancing competitively.

If the information is coming from your children, are you sure there isn't some exaggeration going on?

[cakebar]

Sounds a horrible situation. I would ask that the DC have an inclusive activity to do on Saturday mornings (I wouldn't mind what it was, as someone else said, card games, park, whatever) and request that the girls have their room redecorated in age appropriate way and see what happens.

[BillyBollyBrandy]

He could refuse to pay his half for his children

He could say he has "x" amount that has to be split 8 (!!!!) ways so he will have "y" to spend on his/sm dc's activities. She can put the same and they decide what activities dc's do or she can put more.

What I would say though, is that must be an awful household to live in. Parents ringfencing money to make sure no one pays more for one child than the other - these are dc's that they both created!!

Just be glad you and your dc are healthy and happy. It sounds a horrible pressurised place to have a home.

And I agree that if your ex won't stick up for your dc then you need to revise the visiting arrangements.

[nkf]

You can ask. I wouldn't. But you could. It's not a nice thing to do and your kids will probably resent her. Perhaps they could do something else. Bit depressing to watch their siblings having a good time. Could you suggest to your ex that he uses the time to do something with them?