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Original poster

To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

478 replies

secretagent007 · 13/01/2013 14:10

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers Angry This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

OP posts:
elizaregina · 15/01/2013 15:17

Irish -

If one childs " so called protection" if indeed one could call such actions so...means another is suffering , emotionally and financially then they shouldnt have got married to each other. end of.

you simply cannot and should not do as you please when there are children involved.

sharing a bloody horse - every other weekend for a few hours is not putting any assessts or the fatherless dd at risk in anyway.

IF the little girl herself does not wish to share her horse - that is entirely up to her, In that case a similar activity should be saught for ops daughter with the father pulling his weight.

olgaga · 15/01/2013 15:20

Assuming a net weekly income of £596 (average FF salary inc overtime approx 31,000), 52-103 overnights pa contact, 3 or more children in both homes, he should be paying around £96pw to the OP for maintenance according to this calculator.

elizaregina · 15/01/2013 15:23

charity mum

is a living breathing example of what should happen!!! What a wonderful man your DH sounds Charity.

elizaregina · 15/01/2013 15:25

" I'm sure the other little girl would trade all her ponies etc to have her Daddy back. "

Absoluty Irish, but what about the little girl who is the same age who has also seemingly lost her father? What about her?

What can she trade to get her daddy back, becasue he isnt being very fatherly to her at the moment.

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 15:44

He is being more fatherly to his stepchild than his bio child. He should treat them all equally

irishkitkat · 15/01/2013 15:49

eliza I think the DF is a complete twit. But I don't believe it is anything to do with the SM or the other DCs, I think it's completely his fault. I just find it hard to believe that any man who would abandon his pregnant partner and children for an OW now genuinely adores this other little girl. Maybe I'm wrong but I think from what the OP says this man has little interest in any of his DDs/ DSDs and I feel as much sympathy for the SMs DD as the OPs DD.

snowybrrr · 15/01/2013 15:56

he left the money so that his DD could have ponies and private school, not so other children could benefit

maybe so.But it isn't his money any more, it's hers.she took on your ex knowing he had previous children whose needs would need to be accommodated.When your dc are there they are part of the family, and have to all be treated equally.Your DH needs to grow a pair and tell her that either they all do an activity on his days for your DC, or none of them do.

irishkitkat · 15/01/2013 16:03

snowybrr I personally agree with you, I'm a SM and all the children are treated equally in my household. However, are you saying that if something happened to you and you left a substantial inheriatance intended to support your DC you would be ok with your DP/DH spending it on his new wife and her children? I'm not necessarily talking about the pony riding, which is I believe the DF being lazy, but the OP mentioned Private school too.

allnewtaketwo · 15/01/2013 16:05

But she can't tell him what to do. She can have a conversation with him about how this is impacting her child. And she can also go to court to try to get access order changed. But she can't TELL him what to do

allnewtaketwo · 15/01/2013 16:10

With ref to the statement "it's not his money any more".

We don't actually know that, do we. It could be in trust in his name, with explicit instructions as to it's use. We don't know who trustees are so who controls the use of the money.

AThingInYourLife · 15/01/2013 16:28

It's a terrible shame that this worthless twat has managed to produce 8 offspring.

And the nasty cow he's shacked up with has produced 6.

The gene pool could do without bastards like them reproducing.

Luckily the OP's kids have her to counter the evil influence of this noxious pair.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/01/2013 17:40

Allnew she actually can stop/ change contact if the stopping is based on new information and that new information means the contact is not in the children's best intrests.

It would be down to him to attempt to enforce the original order but she can make her case for why it shouldn't be enforced and should be changed to reflect this new information. In all likelihood given the circumstances and it being a reasonable concern that so far he is unwilling to address she would be successful.

On another note,she already had her children before she had the baby so she knew what a large amount of children entailed if the SM couldn't cope with adding a baby then she should have considered that before hand and should not have expected her dh's other children to suffer for that choice. iMHE ( based on my own suituation) you get so used to having lots of kids that one more makes little difference with perceived work involved iykwim.

elizaregina · 15/01/2013 17:56

"But she can't TELL him what to do"

But Sm can with regards to his children with op - SM is the one according to op has stipulated how much he can spend on those children.

allnewtaketwo · 15/01/2013 18:18

Sock yes indeed, which is why I said she can go to court

allnewtaketwo · 15/01/2013 18:21

Eliza, whatever the moral rights and wrongs of it are, OP can't tell him what to do, no. She can appeal to his better nature in the interests of their children or she can go to court.

And yes I guess the SM can tell him what to DP, as indeed she may well be doing (or maybe not, it could just be an excuse). Whether the rights or wrongs of that, he has clearly decided that is the side his bread is buttered so to speak.

allnewtaketwo · 15/01/2013 18:24

Just because you, or I, or the OP think they're wrong, doesn't stop hr being able to tell him what to do and him then obeying. But clearly he doesn't feel similarly obliged to let his ex TELL him what to do (in fact most people react badly to an ex TELLING them what to go, whatever the moral contents of the argument)

olgaga · 15/01/2013 18:25

Hi can someone point me to the time/date of the info about the SM telling the Ex how much he is allowed to spend on his children?

I can't find it - and it keeps being mentioned.

allnewtaketwo · 15/01/2013 18:38

What a good question. Actually I've just looked through the thread and the OP didn't say that at all. The first post I could find saying that was from Dizzy, so it appears that Dizzy or another poster had made up that piece of information.

Now isn't that interesting, the SM being accused rather than the actual parent.

Daddelion · 15/01/2013 18:49

I don't understand what the reason for going back to court is for?

Is it to reduce contact or to get the father to pay for tennis lessons?

SparkleSoiree · 15/01/2013 19:00

I give up with these discussions. Its either the fact that stepmothers can't have anything at all to do with their stepchildren or they have to do whatever it is the EXW wants her to do, including spending money, clearly.

Either way the stepmother gets it in the neck when clearly its the father who needs to sort himself out.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2013 19:02

olgaga and allnewtaketwo, you will find it in the last para of the OP :

" she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs"

elizaregina · 15/01/2013 19:12

Hi Olga,

Its in the Ops first statment,

"her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit"

Then : "Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC"

Then: "as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs",

As Kung said earlier: He is spending MORE on the richer children because they can afford it - and LESS on the poorer children because ex wife cant afford it.

So the poor children are being penalised and getting EVEN LESS. Topsy turvey. ( not verbatum).

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 19:12

Whatever I think of sm and ex, the inheritance that the sm dd was was left by her father is for her ONLY! And should no be used IMO for sm new squeeze and their chidren. It is to make up fr the absence of a father, and what he wuld contribute to te little girl financially if he was alive. Te her chidren have a father, though not a good one, we're as this litte girl does not!

elizaregina · 15/01/2013 19:12

x post where you left

elizaregina · 15/01/2013 19:25

Alknew

If the first dd1 with the op is already upset at the current arrangement - isnt it rather irresponsible to go on and have yet ANOTHER child?

If that is indeed another reason why YOU think the ops DD1 is upset, in my eyes it makes even worse than it already is.

This man cant provide for his first lot of children in terms of money AND TIME, as well as emotionally. He already has quite a brood...and now another new baby?

This event shouldnt be causing yet more pain to this poor little girl, on top of everything else. The adults who have chosen to have yet another child should be shouldering the impact of that.

We have one DD and have another NB, we discussed our second DC, the impact on the first, and did alot of research and have put alot of work into making DD1 who is 5 - VERY HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE with this big change. That is just one child.