To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

[secretagent007]

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

Surely he needs to do fun, cheap things with your children, while his other children do the expensive stuff. Then when your children are with you, he can watch them.

arisbottle - i know, how can HE do it? how can they both do it - both as horrid as each other...

*DizzyZebra, just because people are a couple, does not make the horses both of theirs.

I have 2 dogs, they are not DHs dogs at all. I do all of the walking and caring. The dogs know that they are mine, just as DH does.

My dogs certainly would not be walked by my DsD, So i can understand why this SM wouldnt want the DC riding the horses in her absence.*

Not really a comparible situation... I wouldn't let my kids walk my dog. Because that would be stupid and irresponsible. I would let both ride because that is not stupid or irresponsible and could bring them both happiness and enjoyment.

SM does let the childtdn ride the ponies

no the sm has put conditions on it and dizzy who has ponies has said these condtions are a load of crap and totally unnessacary.

Hang on, you take on a man with kids, you don't treat those kids as lesser beings than your own.

She was the OW, got with him when he was with someone else with two kids and one (as yet unknown) on the way.

You cannot treat kids that differently and yes imo she should be paying for all or none at all. You certainly don't make them watch what they aren't getting. Why is their father allowing it?

I was a SM to 2 boys for 6 years. I have a DS and a DD of my own. My step sons lived with us so it was a bit different. Their mother never sent so much as a birthday card. Because I didnt feel right not giving and doing the same for them as my own I went without a social life or anything for about 6 years so they all got the same. I was skint all the time. I worked full time so was cream crackered all the time. I wish I had not done it now. They now think the sun shines out of their mother's a... hole! She came out of the wood work a couple of years ago now they are grown up. I wish I was like your X new wife! YABVU IMO. She has no responsibility to your children.

Mrsclown that is just so , what ungrateful sods. I don't know what else you cold have done if they are living with you though

thanks Piglet. You are right though, I couldnt do anything else.

Eliza everyone has a different way of doing things. Some parents are cautious with children and some horse owners are more cautious than others with beginners. I get annoyed with over cautious patents, and dizzy sounds annoyed with the DM bring an over cautios horse owner. However, it is completely the SM choice as to whether she wants beginners on her horses. She has chosen to let the children ride the horses, do long as she is there.

Tbh I wouldn't want beginner child on my expensive horse. Dizzy can think that's a load of crap all she wants, but everyone has different ways of doing things. I might call her patenting a load of crap if I saw it, who knows.

But nine of that us the issue here. Dizzy has chosen to make her contribution on this thread all about horses mouths. Really the issue is about the children being made to watch their twin brothers doing (non pony related) activities on Saturday mornings. And that's the area the OP should address with her ex. Telling the OP about how the SM should proceed with her horses is neither here nor there. It will get her nowhere but into direct conflict. Focus on the big stuff

Mrs Clown story illustrates why SMs are so often given the advice to detach

I think she should take her own children out to the clubs first thing because it's not fair on your kids to wait around having thier nose rubbed in it.

Instead ExH could spend the morning looking after your child only and having essential quality time alone.

I don't think it's necessary for ExH to pay for activities alone with your child as he could just do something free with them - park/footy/walks/games/picinics etc

"Dizzy has chosen to make her contribution on this thread all about horses mouths."

Really? I thought she said alot more than just stuff on horses mouths?

Who advisies SM to detach?

How long does it take for someone to become competent on a horse? If SM has three, as Dizzy has suggested - the ops DD could learn and also become competent and its something the two girls could do together.

When/if SM are told to detach - how does that work....if their little step children are coming to what is supposed to be thier home with thier dad?

I honestly don't understand why everyone has so much to say about the SM, when it's actually the Ex, the childrens' father, who should be making sure his children are treated equally when he has contact with them.

I guess its because its the sm who has imposed the rules about dad not paying but your right, its his fault his responsibility and he should grow a pair and stop doing it.

I think most of us have said that the ultimate responsibility lies with the ex.

However I guess most of us are mothers or stepmothers and therefore we can identify with her role but not the manner in which she is taking to it.

I must have missed that bit about her imposing rules on the Ex...all I can find is that they both put a percentage of their salaries (so his will be a lower cash amount) into the household account. They can both spend what they have left (in his case, after he has paid maintenance and his own personal costs).

So the Ex should be saying "I can't afford for my children to take part in these activities too, so I suggest that on the weekends I have them we only do things I can afford to do with all five of them".

If the SM is working full time then I don't see what's wrong with her doing weekend activities she and her girls enjoy. She's not stopping him from seeing his children, and surely the whole point of contact is that they spend time with him, not her. Which they are doing - even if it means accommodating their step siblings' activities.

That's why in my view it's this that's wrong:
so my children just have to go and watch their brothers

However:

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

So it's just one morning out of the whole weekend - during which they are presumably able to chat with their dad.

I'm sure the eldest DD would love to go and ride horses but that's not really the point of having contact with her dad, is it?

.

I forgot to reiterate that if the children feel like a second-class family, it'll be the Ex who suffers the consequences of that in the long run OP - not you.

yes Olgaga it wll be the ex - but people take such a long time to realise whats actually imp in life - who knows in the future he may be onto his third or fourth family siring more and more children...

But its right now that some children are suffering, surely they have been through enough> surely its - all shoulders to the wheel - what can we do to smooth over life for these children? We the adults have decided to break up one family and make a life together therefore we the adults must make sure the little people who we brought into this world - are going to be OK and not traumatised any further...

you know - whatever it bloody well takes? Getting over your horses delicate mouth - or whatever??????????????

The better solution would be fr op children to come to their dads after the activities, ts only I hour I know but it's nt fair that they have to watch something at they cannot take part in

Yes, but are they suffering so much? One morning out of the weekend followed by joint activities, DD not getting to go horseriding - I dunno!

I really do sympathise with the OP's situation, any mum would feel angry and slighted on her children's behalf. It just seems to me it might be better to accept this is a battle she won't win and probably would be better not engaging in.

The fact is, neither OP nor the Ex can afford for their children to do what the SM can afford for her children to do - and that's not likely to change. Neither is her attitude - after seven years.

OP's children will make up their own minds about whether they want to continue with contact arrangements as they are in due course. It sounds like it won't be too long in the case of the eldest DD.

The Ex sounds bloody awful to me, but then so many do!

The exH is not even being honest here, and neither is the SM.

1. If the exH is not allowed to fund more than half of his other dc activities, then neither should SM be funding more than half of her own DD's hobbies. Which doesn't sound like the case, unless she also has a very rich exH, so she is (by her own rules) spending money on her own DD which should be spread amongst their joint DC.

1. The twins also do the activities on the weekends the other dc aren't there, as do his and SM DD's, so he is spending a lot more on those DC than on the OP's.

1. If he pays for the OP's DC to do the activities on his weekends, he is only paying HALF because otherwise they would be doing these things every weekend. The same as the others do.

Basically, he is a knob. Don't bother contacting SM, she obviously resents your DC. Tell him you want to start access from Sat lunchtime and see what he says.

What Olgaga said.

I wonder howAch of the children being sad is the op projecting.

The fact her husband's new partner was the other woman is neither here nor there. She didn't break up the marriage,your ex did. She certainly doesn't owe you or your children anything. especially not financial. support or free dance lessons as some form of payback.

If the watching their half siblings is getting them down the op and her ex parents (y'know their parents) to plan the weekend better, maybe drop them off an hour later.

Wellthey must be sad about it to tell op, how else would op know as she is not there

Tell him you want to start access from Sat lunchtime and see what he says.

Why not suggest that to the children first, see what they say?