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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

478 replies

secretagent007 · 13/01/2013 14:10

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers Angry This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

OP posts:
PickledApples · 15/01/2013 00:07

"Basically, he is a knob."
^ This.
And everything olgaga said.

xlittlekellyx · 15/01/2013 00:29

Im for and against both sides so i can see why this is a dilemma for you... I agreed with the post saying " would you pay for her kids to do something your kids are doing" the answer is probably no however....if i have a friends child staying for he weekend or a niece and nephew or for example the partners kids...i would most definitely spend he same money in the shop and if mine went swimming so would they...what activities the children do while visiting their dad should probably be his responsibilities the same as if you were to ake your children to the cinema in the week you would pay and not expect your ex to go halves....hope this makes sense...x good luck...

Original poster
secretagent007 · 15/01/2013 05:36

I'm back. Thanks everybody for the advice.

I didn't post yesterday as I had to clean up the mess from this weekends trip. SM didn't go anywhere this weekend as her youngest DD is only three weeks old (first time the DC have meet the baby), but instead of offering to keep them at home with her EX still had to drag them out with him. EX took them to a trampolining class, and by some miracle actually allowed DS and DD2 to participate (I think this is because their 4 year old also went), but of course DD1 was to old for the class and had to sit and wait Sad

I've come to the conclusion that it isn't even Ds and DD2 who are suffering as much as DD1, they at least get some time with their father, but he appears to have put his stepdaughter in DD1 place, as any event a father would go to for their daughters he can't go for DD, but can go for his SD. So DD spent the night crying because of it. It is certainly not me projecting (Okay maybe a little for the younger two)

I would like to go back to court but I am worried that I would be viewed in a bad light because of financial difficulties, so I just need to get my courage up.

Regarding SM finances; She is a successful author (not Jk Rowling success, but more successful then most) and through this she has brought the local inn and runs it. I think her DH left everything in her name, not her DDs, so I'm sure she does spend his money on their joint children as well.

Once again, thank you all for the advice. It's nice to have a place to rant, as I don't have many people in real life who will listen, as they all view me as the bitter, wronged ex.

OP posts:
charitymum · 15/01/2013 06:42

YANBU children might not be her responsibility but she is part of a family that includes your DC. And she knew that when she met your husband.

My DP and I earn a lot more than my ex with whom we amicably share residency. We work really hard to ensure that all four of my children - 2 with each dad - all have the same standard of living whoever they are with. In practice this means I pay a lot more in maintenance than court would ever ask-happily so. And that DP contributes to costs for his step daughters including their school fees.

Responsibility can be ethical as well as legal. DP believes that my ex's children - although half sisters (we hate that term and call them sisters) - are his DC closest relatives and that it is important to keep them close and to develop good relationships between them. We can afford it so we do it because we think it right. The girls are my children and therefore his family. We can afford it. So why wouldn't we do it?

WeAreEternal · 15/01/2013 07:14

YANBU to want your children to get the same as their half siblings.

But YABU to think that SM should pay for it.
She kept her finances seperate from EX and insists that he pay half for everything, it's only fair that you do the same.
It isn't her fault that she had made/married money and you haven't.

You either have to find your half from somewhere or have a serious discussion with EX.
You could even possibly take him back to court and argue that your DCs are treated substandard to the half siblings, and that them going there only to watch their SS do their expensice activities without being included is very upsetting for them and that ex either needs to include them or do something else with them (finding someone else to take the SS to their activities.

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 07:20

Op you have to talk to twat ex about dd1 it is not acceptable for her to be treated in this way by her dad. Have you asked her whether she wants to go, totally impartially. She might vote with her feet in future. You need to tell him that his behaviour towards dd is not on

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 07:21

That I think is the most important thing really

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 07:23

You cannot expect her to pay for your children's activities, it's up to their father not her. You can insist contact starts not friday evening but sat lunchtime after the activities. Mabey op find cheap activities that your dc can do I am sure that there is some about if you look

olgaga · 15/01/2013 07:42

I would like to go back to court but I am worried that I would be viewed in a bad light because of financial difficulties, so I just need to get my courage up.

If your DD1 starts refusing to go, and it ends up back in court as a result, she is old enough to express her own wishes and feelings.

Very sad for her, it must be deeply upsetting for you OP.

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 07:48

Exactly. I would fully support dd if she did not want to go. Ask her totally impartially whether she wants to go to dads or stay at home. It's up to her. Nobody should be made to feel like rubbish by their parent that is emotional abuse really. She was in tears this cannot continue. I would seriously bring him to task over this

allnewtaketwo · 15/01/2013 07:52

Agree. The nub of the issue is how your eldest DD is being made to feel inferior by her father. Nothing to do with the SM and nothing to do with ponies. Focus on this, and only this for now.

But to reiterate I really do think at her age if she is doing no activities at all then this is very sad. I assume all her peers at school do something, so she won't only be feeling left out wrt her step/half siblings, but also her peers at school. Please OP find a cheap activitiy that she will enjoy doing. It is important for her self esteem and it really doesn't need to cost more than £3-4 per week

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 07:57

Exactly all we there are activities out there, guides, swimming, sport activity, French, Spanish lessons. Op you need to research this, she needs something for herself

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 08:14

Mabey if she likes horses research stables and riding schools and see if she can be a stable hand for free or reduced lessons

lottiegarbanzo · 15/01/2013 10:13

Have read lots of this. Please focus on the real issue, time and attention, not money and take that back to court. No one will laugh but you do need to be confident your facts are straight, not interpretation by young dcs (though their feelings are very important as well). Your DCs go there to spend time with their father. He is making himself unavailable to them for an amount of this time by prioritising his other children. He needs to organise his time so he can offer adequate attention and love to your DCs throughout their stay, involving them equally in any multi-child activities.

Is there any way he would claim that, while the twins are doing their activity, he is devoting his attention to your DCs?

The only financial aspect I think is relevant is that they claim to have separate finances but his wife is apparently controlling how he spends his own money. Is that really an excuse on his part? He is free to spend what he chooses on activities for your DCs while in his care. Firefighters are not millionaires but they earn above the national average. His money must be spread quite thinly but he does have some money and freedom to spend it as he wishes. I don't think he should be asking you to contribute to treats and activities while in his care.

Astelia · 15/01/2013 10:25

Poor DD1 must feel like Cinderella Sad.

SwitchedtoEatingCheese · 15/01/2013 10:31

To be fair to the SM, she has just had a a baby 3 weeks ago so I don't really think its fair to expect her to watch your DD.

Its difficult when you have a lot of children of varying ages to try and entertain them all - very few clubs will encompass everyones ages.

Did he do anything else with DD to make up for not getting to do trampolining?

elizaregina · 15/01/2013 10:36

"Nothing to do with the SM and nothing to do with ponies. Focus on this, and only this for now."

Really!!

But according to the OP its the step mum who has stipulated HE MUST NOT SPEND MORE OR LESS ON HIS CHILDREN WITH HER?

If he had married a nicer woman - and these financial ring fences to protect her richer children had not been put in place BY HER, op wouldnt be in this position!!!!!! b

This is why OP is saying - should i ask her to pay for activities because its HER the SM who has set this high bar and who has effectivly cut the poorer children out by making the husband only pay half.

I dont think op should approach the SM and of course - its her stupid EH that is allowing this stupid situation to continue he should have said no - right at the start......

BUT a nicer sm would have said - well its not fair on your dc to watch ours to sport so what can we do about this - your ex cant afford any activities - lets look at them all doing something cheaper so you can afford to pay - after all its YOUR TIME WITH THEM! your ex shouldnt be paying for your time with your children!

lottiegarbanzo · 15/01/2013 10:45

It's up to the husband to stand up to her, for his children.

allnewtaketwo · 15/01/2013 10:59

"If he had married a nicer woman - and these financial ring fences to protect her richer children had not been put in place BY HER, op wouldnt be in this position!!!!!!"

How on earth does this help the OP though, or her children. She can't retrospectively go back and forbid her ex from getting together with this woman, nor can she complel him to leave her. What the OP can influence is how the unfairness is affecting her children, in particular DD1 which is where the OP has stated the problem now really lies. So focusing on this is the priority.

If the OP turns up in court and starts on about the SM's attitude or ponies it will get her nowhere. The important thing to concentrate on is the impact of DD1's father's behaviour and how this is impacting DD1. So again I reiterate, nothing to so with SM and nothing to do with ponies. Allowing these to cloud her case will not help

moreyear · 15/01/2013 11:22

The way you judge her for not keeping the other children at home with her when she is looking after a 3 week old baby does make me question the validity of your other complaints. She has a three week old baby! Is it really so unreasonable of her to get your exh to take them out?

irishkitkat · 15/01/2013 11:50

I really am missing something here. What sort of price are we talking for the twins activities? Where I come from tennis lessons, trampolining etc for a 6 year old would cost maybe £4 or £5 per session and I just find it hard to believe that this very wealthy SM is demanding that the OP pays the 7 or 8 pound that would cover her DCs half. I think it's far more likely that their DF,in common with many NRPs, simply doesn't want to pay these kind of extras and is passing the blame to his DW.

zookeeper · 15/01/2013 11:52

Op how much would the half that your ex suggests be?

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 12:18

Sod the activities, your number one priority is the way your ex treats his dd, it's unacceptable and has to stop

OwlLady · 15/01/2013 12:25

I was going to say it's not her responsibility but I feel so sad for your children having to be spectators to somebody elses life, it just seems mean spirited and unfair :(

irishkitkat · 15/01/2013 12:29

piglet what is the DF doing on his DD apart from the activities thing? The SM takes her own DD with her on a Saturday and the OP said that the SM makes it clear that she thinks her DD is wonderful, which is, I'm sure the same as the OP thinks about her own DD. I mean I think my kids are the best on the planet Smile. Also worth remembering that the SMs DD is the only child in this whole scenario who only has One living parent. Of course the SM is going to more protective of her than the others in the same way the OP has to protect her DC, who come from a separated family.