To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

[secretagent007]

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

DreamingoftheMaldives - agree totally.

Just thinking. If I was to die and leave money for my children, I wouldn't mind if DP remarried and used some of his money for his new children. As long as they were happy.

Based on the original post secretagent007 wanted to know if she would be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities?

OK further in the post the SM sounds like a typical fairy tale wicked SM but in this case the question is about whether she should fund for all the children in this blended family. In ideal world she should voluntarily do it and treat all children the same, but in reality this is not always the case.

OP should speak to her Ex and not to SM. Personally, I would be too bitter to approach the new wife and the fact that she earns more than me, that would be like rubbing salt in the wound.

A valid argument, RE the horses, From the step Mum would be that ok, she doesn't really want to shell out for lessons every other week, or to enter them in shows because they're not going to get much out of it unless the OP also keeps that up during time with her - Which she has stated she cannot do. That is fair enough and understandable - It's an expensive hobby, I wouldn't want to shell out that money when the child isn't going to get that much out of it because of the infrequency.

The normal thing to then do would be to say 'But if the girls really want to, they are welcome to join in at the stables and have a potter around the menage on the lead rein,', Maybe go to shows with them and enter them in the fun classes that involve being led around at a walk on a lead rein - Again, if theyre going anyway, its costing her nothing more than the 3 quid per class. What normal person wouldn't do that when the children quite clearly want to? What is it taking away from her? How is this any less constructive than them taking them to soft play? They might enjoy this more.

I expect he probably would not consider taking his none resident children to soft play and expecting his resident children to sit and watch.

Chances are their mother would think that was horrible.

Really it is not on to drag op children to activities, it is not benefiting them and at th same time rubbing ther faces in it as their mum is not able to pay half. The solution would be for t father to collect them when the activities are over. The step mum does not sound very nice, well she wouldn't to break up a family. They have expensive hobbies but the sm might be paying for most of it. You have to see how these hobbies are divided financially.

If op ex is indeed paying half of these expensive hobbies than it is only right and proper that op kids are fpgiven the same amount from him towards their hobbies, that migh be more than half if they are cheaper hobbies. Really the ex needs to stop being a bloody wallflower, stop having kids and support the ones he has and treat his chidren with op better and defend them. It's not right how he is treating his 10 year old dd, favouritising his stepdaughter this asking te other girl feel awful

Exactly sock, I don't think he would do tat to his resident chidren, sm would not allow it. Op,you should not allow it either

The more I read of this the more I believe that the SM is being genuinely disengaged. I can completely understand how it would have come about. I would assume that in the early days of the split the OP, quite rightly given the circumstances IMO, didn't want the SM to have any involvement in her very young DCs lives. The SM then made the decision ther she would parent her children, be distant, but again I'm assuming polite to the OPs DC and leave any parenting to their parents. She has chosen to make it her DHs sole responsibility to entertain and care for his DC. This wouldnt be my choice of how to deal with a step family set up but it is a legitimate strategy of coping which is recommend my many Step family therapists.(Feel free to correct me OP if I've assumed incorrectly!)

On the other hand I think the father is being a twit. He should spend equal amounts entertaining all his children. if he is paying half for some of his children to attend an activity every week he should pay the full amount for his other DC to attend EOW. If he and his DW have genuinely separate finances then his money is his own to do with as he pleases. The cost of taking 5 children to the movies, etc would probably cover the tennis lessons for his three older children.

You know the saddest thing of all? This family has the potential to be such a happy one. And the step mum is ruining it out of spite.

IrishKitKat - You could be right about the early days - But then the step mum needs to grow up and realise that when you get involved in something so raw, You're not going to be welcomed with open arms. She should have got over this a long time ago, Not continue to push out the step children - And even if that is so, Again, Where is the justification for her actively preventing them doing activities such as riding? She doesn't have to be there. She has said they can't do it as they would hurt the animals mouth, which is a crock of shit.

this has made me very sad.The years fly by so quickly and resentments pile up never to be forgotten... forever. Wish I could help you a little OP..where in the country are you?

Maybe the SM is a MN'er and has read posts on other threads advising that SM's don't get too involved with their step children .

If the Ex hasn't told her that there is a problem then she may not realise that it is not working.
It is also possible that the OP's DC don't complain when they are at their fathers house so the Ex doesn't see that there is real problem and might just think the OP is being difficult.

OPs eldest is ten, I wonder what she has said to her Father and SM? She is at an age where a lot of DC's dont keep their opinions to themselves?

What does the Ex do about all his DCs birthday and Christmas presents?

It is a tricky situation and one that won't go away. The problems will continue with, cars, Uni fees, weddings etc etc.

Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with what the SM is doing. I'm a SM myself and all the DCs are simply children of our family, no distinction between steps, halfs or fulls.. I just understand where she's coming from. She doesn't view her SDC as anything to do with her, responsibility wise. Of course she will have nobody to blame but herself in years to come when her SDC want nothing to do with her. The OPs DC are getting older every day and they will realise that they very definitely have 2 parents and then Daddy's wife, not a real stepmother at all. The real damage will be done to these DC if they think their DF doesn't care for them not their SM, who is nothing to do with them. Therefore it is his responsibility to treat them equally not the SM's.

I wouldnt pay for my DHs children, that is entirely up to him to do with his EX. If the EX approached me asking/demanding that i pay for her DCs also it would really put my back up and i doubt i would.

BUT the DH should take his DC to do something fun and enjoyable, he should not hang around until the other DC are finished.

It's not acceptable that he might be paying half of these expensive hobbies whilst op chidren are going without dupe to her financial situation. If he cannot afford to extend the same amount that he funds his children with sm to op chidren, these expensive hobbies should not be going ahead, or sm should fund her kids hobbies herself

Did I read correctly that one of the twins has special needs? Wouldn't that be a good reason not to leave it alone? they are very young after all.

If my other half ever told me we were only to provide half for my daughter because she is not 'his' i would leave him on the spot TBH. I can't understand why this man hasn't done the same. I really can't contemplate the sort of person you have to be.

Dizzy What are you referring to?

We don't really knows who's funding the DTs activities in reality though. If they live the high life, they I very very much doubt all expenses are split 50:50. He simply wouldn't have the resources

That i can't understand why the man is with a woman who actively tells him he cannot spend more than X amount on his children, and who actively pushes the children out. I would leave OH if he did that. I would expect DDs Dad to leave his wife if she started treating DD badly. And i am 99% sure he would do too.

But they have separate finances DizzyZebra so the father is only paying half towards his other children's activities too. The SM is expecting the OP to contribute half towards her children's activities in the exact same way the SM does for her own children. The main problem here is the disparity of incomes, if the OP earned more or the SM earned less, this wouldn't be an issue. I really think this man is taking the P, 9 DC and he isn't the main provider for any of them.

But she hasn't, has she?

I agree with irishkitkat; I see it as a disengagement situation, which is the first advice any step family therapist would give to a step mother - to disengage.
I do wonder that if the stepmother was to be engaged with the DC, would we be seeing threads about how she is over stepping her boundaries?

The OP just seems very bitter towards me.

To me - I assure you I'm not the SM in question

And as far as I can see the SM is telling her DH she expects him to spend the exact same amount on all his DCs. I'm not sure why this isn't equating to the OPs DC attending activities EOW but I suspect this may be more to do with their DF than their SM.

I think it's the Ex here who needs a kick up the backside. Why can't he spend his contact time with his children doing something with and for them, rather than dragging them around and making them be spectators rather than participants?

I agree with the other posters who have suggested mediation - but that also costs money.

I think you're just going to have to make your feelings clear, OP - your children will vote with their feet when they are old enough. You'll end up back in court then anyway.

She has treated them badly - She won't even allow the children to use anything of her daughters. She has made up ridiculous excuses. She has told OPs Ex he must spend X Y Z - She knows the step children cannot have this. That is wrong. The children should be treated the same, Regardless of monetary sacrifice - There needn't be any, But the spiteful exclusion needs to stop, The ONLY people she is harming is the children.

No one seems to want to comment on the things i have pointed out - The fact that she excludes the children despite it costing her nothing to do so, Despite her not having to actually do anything. That is just spite. That speaks far more for her motives and character than strangers on the internet inventing parenting strategies does. I'm sorry but the disengagement shit is just a tarted up way of saying 'ignore the step kids they're not there all the time anyway', No, I'm sorry, you get in a relationship with someone with children, You deal with it properly, like an adult, you don't go pussying out of it and making up ridiculous excuses and terms.

You know what, I couldn't do it, so do you know what i didn't do? I didn't get involved with a man who already had children. Simple as.