To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

[secretagent007]

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

Not read 11 pages, but it is not fair the step mother to fund your kids, but I also don't think it's air that you get paid less because they haven't figured out this family planning lark.

Your dh is a massive twat though for providing for one set of dc if he can't provide for all or at least switch their activities to a different date

I agree dizzy you said what I've been trying to say

Dizzy I think the reason no-one is engaging with what you're saying is that it's simply a diatribe of how spiteful the SM is. None of that is remotely constructive for the OP because she is not in a position to influence a) how spiteful the SM is or b) whether her ex leaves the SM for this or otherwise

Yes Dizzy but the OP can do nothing about that. It's the Ex who needs to ensure his children are treated fairly when they spend contact time with them.

It's his failure. He is the only one who can be take to task about allowing such an unfair situation to develop. It's his responsibility, not the SM's.

Or because there is no justification for her behaviour whatsoever. There simply isn't.

The disengage thing is bollocks. Ok, If there is no court order in place - Distance yourself until a solution is found in court. That has happened. OP cannot just stop contact - So SM has no reason to be distancing herself. This is the arrangement for the forseeable future and she should be accomodating that and striving to make herfamily exactly that - A family. Not a unit split down into ranks and pecking orders.

The husband is as big of a twat for allowing it. It's a crying shame all around - There is the opportunity for a really happy, stable family here, that should be enjoyed and embraced, Not scrutinized down to the last penny.

You know what if i lived near you OP and i still had my ponies i'd teach your girls to ride myself i cannot believe someone would actively prevent children from joining in when they have the means to do so. Just CANNOT believe it.

And whats more i cannot believe the willingness on here to swallow such ridiculous excuses and dress them up to make the adults appear somehow victimized.

I still don't believe he pays 50% of everything if they live quite an affluent lifestyle. He wouldn't be able to afford this. So he isn't therefore funding half of what his other children get. The SM must be contributing quite a bit more than 50%

Me niether allnewtaketwo. It just doesn't add up.

Who is swallowing daft excuses?

I dont think you can really ask your ex's new wife to fund your dc sports.

But, I think your ex is a total imbecile for sitting with his children watching his other children play a sport! If he can pay for his new children playing, he should also pay for yours. FGS, it is only one activity, that falls on the day he has them. He either pays, or his kids dont play sports on Saturdays!

Why can these children not sit and watch their sister do horseriding or whatever while your ex has daddy time with his other children?

Allnewtakestwo - Well no one seems to be able to justify her refusal to allow the girls to be lead around on the pony. How can anyone deny that that little blinder isn't done out of spite? What other reason does she have? Everyone has ignored that though despite the incident being quite relevant as it highlights her efforts to exclude the children.

She said nobody could ride them in her absence. I didn't see anything about them not allowed on the ponies at all. You see that as spiteful, but she (and some others with horses - not all obviously, yourself excluded) hold a similar view. If she was willing for the children to ride the horses in her presence, but not absence, then I don't see that as her being spiteful as such, no.

The actual problem the OP's children have is being ferried to the DT's activities on a Saturday morning. That itself isn't down to SM spite but down to ex not changing the arrangements to include all his children. That is his responsibility.

Did the OP say that the girls got to ride the ponies in her last post?

She said they would hurt their mouth. Which is crap.
Considering the dad contributes 'half' to these ponies, He should get some say in who rides them and when. I would be incredibly surprised if he were incapable of leading them around. That is being spiteful and it does highlight her motives - Or if her absence is the only concern, why are they not welcome when she is there, If their Dad goes along too. She has to be there at least twice a day, for some considerable length of time if they have more than one! It just screams inflexibility and spite.

No you're right on the last bit - The ex needs to put his foot down and sort it out, I've not denied he is just as much at fault here. I just can't get past the blatant exclusion on something the girls would evidently like to do. There is no reason to stop them at all.

It seems like there's no happy middle ground for a SM to achieve. If, in this case, the SM was paying for OP's DD1 to have lessons and ride competitively, what do you bet that the thread would be vilifying SM for 'overstepping' ?

I can hardly believe there is so much random anger, bitching and moaning about SM's - according to most some of the views posted here I don't see how any SM could ever get it right in the BioMum's eyes.

It's ridiculous how nasty some of these posts are towards the SM and the DF, especially as it's a situation that none of us really truly knows the details of. How convenient that the OP hasn't even been back to respond.

My first ever

Not that i saw core - But then i haven't slept in over 24 hours so i'm probably not to most reliable source.

There is a happy middle ground. It's so goddamned simple. Include them a bit. Ok don't spend a fortune - you don't have to, But plonk them on the beast and let them have a potter about for half an hour each.

Stop this ridiculous dragging them around to watch the others enjoy activities while being told they are not allowed to partake in.

Stop scrutinizing every penny, They're children, family. Something you commit to. Treat them as such!

Maybe the SM is just a bitch of the highest order. Maybe she is genuinely disinterested in her SDC. Maybe she doesnt want to take more children with her on her day off and thinks the OPs DC should spend contact time with their DF. Or maybe she is taking her DD out of the way on a Saturday morning so she doesn't have to watch all the other DCs having fun with their DF when her DF is dead. Either way the OPs DC have an obviously loving mother and a DF who needs to wise up and treat his DC equally. The OP is in no danger of losing her DC nor is the SM, the Father certainly is when they are old enough to vote with their feet.

Yes "She would love to take the dance and art classes she takes and would kill for a pony. SMDD has three, and she gets to ride them every now and then, but it's not the same"

So the SM does indeed let the children ride the ponies. Just not in her absence.

I must have missed that, Though OP is right - It isn't the same. The Dad should be putting his foot down then and taking the girls himself to ride if they want to - They are as much his animals as hers.

I think OP should point out to the ex that anyone who knows anything about horses knows two very, VERY easy ways to prevent the mouth even being touched.

If she believes the mouth excuse herself (SM) then she shouldn't be in charge of the animals in the first place because she obviously knows nothing about them (Going to stop that one there though as going OT!).

The SM doesn't seem as awful now. I think the ex just needs to man up tbh and put his foot down over the silly comments/excuses.

How do you know he pays half towards the ponies. The OP says they both put a percentage of their salaries into a household account, and that the remainder is for each of them to spend. How do you know that she doesn't spend her surplus on the ponies?

Its not for you to judge who she lets ride her ponies in her absence. And it's nothing to do with the actual nub of the problem here, namely the OP's children being made to watch the DTs doing their activities (i.e. nothing to do with ponies!)

Okay, so when SM's make the effort to treat all the children in a family the same (bio, step, whatever) and the DSC's go back to their BioMum's chatting about how wonderful SM is and how much fun they have with her then the BioM needs to suck it up. But that usually doesn't happen because BioM is jealous. Instead there's another thread posted about how SM is 'overstepping' and behaving inappropriately.

Damned if they do, damned if they don't. No happy middle ground.

They are a couple. The ponies are theirs. OT again but the mouth excuse is a silly one as it is so easily 100% prevented from happening at all.

If he contributes to their keep then he should get be putting his foot down to give his daughters quite a nice opportunity for enjoyment.

I do think kungfupanda has the best advice here. Can you speak to your Ex without it all degenerating into an argument and simply explain to him that your children feel left out and hurt?

Surely it must be possible to find affordable days out for all the children in his care on these occasions - it's only every other weekend after all, not every weekend. He can do all activities he likes with the other children on the weekends when he doesn't have contact with yours.

If he doesn't see there's a problem I can see your children being less and less keen to go. They will certainly feel the unfairness of it all as they get older.