I feel like our wedding is mine, not DP's

[delmonton]

We're getting married in a month. When we decided to do it, DP said he wanted to get married abroad, just us. I said I didn't want this because I thought it would be nothing without family and friends. So we booked the register office then back to ours for a party, very simple.

Then he said he wanted sushi (he eats everything but this is the only food he loves). Initially I agreed, but have now said no, because there will be lots of kids, friends of my parents and other people who might pick at it but won't eat enough to keep them going all afternoon and evening and I just can't have starving guests. Instead I've organised something that includes sushi but also other things and he's agreed muttering that I've overridden what he wants again.

He still hasn't told me who he wants to invite, so they haven't yet been invited- plus no hint of a best man. It's not a traditional wedding at all, but there will be a few speeches so it will look weird if he doesn't have anyone to speak for him. He is a bit anti-social (we are always together, with DS) - however, plenty of my friends have become our friends.

I know you're all going to say he doesn't really seems to want to get married, and in truth he doesn't, but he does want to do it because it's important to me and he doesn't really mind, just hates 'occasions' and dislikes his family (not toxic but a massive emotional drain on us).

Is this a common, that is just become's the woman's 'thing'?

I don't think you've done anything too unreasonable. Good call on the sushi! I do think you should relax a bit about the speeches -- let your dad give his, and your mutual friend, that's plenty, considering it's basically just a big party.

I also wouldn't hassle your partner about inviting people. If he doesn't care, why should you?

Or, if you think his family should be there or else there will be big problems ahead, then ask your partner if he minds you inviting them.

I remember your earlier thread about BIL. I actually don't think he should be there at all. You have a responsibility to your guests, especially if there are children there, and you can't guarantee someone will watch him 100% of the time.

I think I am very much like your DH

I wanted to be married but only because DH wanted to so much. But I really was NOT keen on the whole process of getting married. I wanted to go off somewhere and have the tiniest wedding. DH wanted "as many of his friends to be there as possible" so it ended up with 50 people and a meal and a big party at our house. It was all LOVELY, technically, and everyone else LOVED it.

But it fundamentally wasn't what I wanted, I found the whole thing stressful, exhausting, unnecessary. It has taken me years to get over it, actually, and caused a subtle but undeniable strain in our relationship.

So, what I think I am saying is, OP, can you rewind a bit and talk to your DH about the kind of wedding that would make you both happy? Undo some of your assumptions maybe. Because he's a critical part of this and if what you are planning is an ordeal to him it is less than the best way to begin a marriage.

He has also agreed all my booking of decorators to turn it our house into a winter wonderland (apart from the snow machine sad)
The man's a saint.

secret , I might have been fibbing about the snow machine!

I agree with you about the sushi.

If its the slightest consolation, I read that post about the no so peach and I thought, what a bizarre thing to say made it the worst wedding. Most people are dozing off during speeches. My dh shook like a leaf and we had a very small meal. If I had the guts I do now 14 years ago, I would never have put him through the stress of the whole thing just because other people thought he had to make a speech.

Let the little things go. Just because other people think you should have them, really who gives a toss if the two of you aren't happy?

No speech sorry typing on phone!

The bit where you were unreasonable was this bit:

When we decided to do it, DP said he wanted to get married abroad, just us. I said I didn't want this because I thought it would be nothing without family and friends.

You overruled him, and made it into an event when thats not what he wanted. He was FORCED to do what you wanted. There was no compromise.

Its got nothing to do with sushi. Maybe if you'd compromised on a small do, with just a couple of people then he could have had his sushi without a problem as there wouldn't BE lots of kids there.

I think the really bit clue here about just how much you've railroaded him, is the fact he's still not invited anyone himself.

He didn't want a show. You did. There was middle ground. You choose to ignore a compromise solution as a possibly and instead have gone straight ahead, done what you wanted and invited a whole pile of people.

Some people might call you a Bridezilla.

TBH, I don't really think this is about your wedding though. I think this says more about your future marriage. If you didn't listen to him over this, I doubt you'll listen to him over other things.

Your marriage is the important bit. Not the wedding.

You should reflect on what your actions really say to him, instead of taking the attitude by assuming he is in the wrong for not sharing your enthusiasm.

You've already stated that his family relationships aren't as good as yours and he always had a dislike of 'dos', so why have you completely ignored that? You should be being as sensitive about the type of person he is and whats important to him, rather than expecting him to do everything for you on your terms.

The big word you need to learn is COMPROMISE. And compromise should never be a one way street.

delmonton I kind of thought that to regarding Aspergers, good luck with the wedding and hope it all goes well for you

Can I just say I'm secretly thrilled to be called bridezilla - it all seems so real now! Other than that I find your post a bit hard to take I'm afraid.

Where was the compromise with getting married abroad? A wedding on the high seas?

I don't know how little or much to write on the subject of compromise in my relationship, as on previous occasions I've spilled all and then had to begMNHQ to delete because some of the info is very personal. But I am pretty happy that I am not at all selfish.

I agree that if one wants a wedding abroad with just the 2 of you & another wants friends/relies-it´s hard to compromise.

Surely as few f&rs as possible for the one who wants them & none for the person who doesn´t??

So knowing that your DP doesn't like ANY family dos or dos in general, you still get upset at him not inviting people and still expected him to go along with 'lots of kids' and 'friends of your parents'. Soundly like its hardly a small occasion...

Its not like he's doing it to be difficult because its your wedding. Its because its who he is and who he's always been and you've failed to recognise this.

Just because you can 'prove' you aren't being selfish on other matters does mean you aren't being selfish, on what is probably still a pretty big deal.

If he's got to grit his teeth and bare it, its the wrong thing to be doing. Simple as that.

I haven't said DP doesn't like any family dos or children (he adores children, far prefers their company to adults) so not quite sure where you got that from.

I'm not going to argue this point, sitting here as I am with DP in sight and knowing him as I do.

I'm hoping he won't grit his teeth and bare it though...now that would be a break from tradition!

I don't think you are being selfish, or being a harridan.

But from the perspective of someone who "went along" with the plans for her own wedding, and wishes she hadn't, I'd urge you to prioritise your partner's feelings. And if that means not inviting people who don't like sushi , and not inviting his family, so be it.

My main problem with the sushi was that the children were unlikely to eat it, so I was going to have to make something for them and I don't want sausages spitting on my (red) dress.

By the way, if we had got married abroad, DP would categorically not have done all he could to make it a special day for me. He would just have turned up. It's just not his thing.

You are right about that, of course. But you are concerned about making it nice for guests your DH doesn't want to invite at a party he doesn't want to host.

Can you not sit down with him and come up with something that you and he can BOTH feel happy to look back on as your wedding day?

It's not true that he doesn't want them at the party, he definitely does. He gets on very well with my friends. The only people he doesn't really want there are his family.

Then just don't invite them, and don't make a big deal of it!

It's a massive deal to not invite your parents to your wedding. In our case it would be even more complicated because we are bringing up her grandchild, who she brought up from 1 till 12 (15 now). He is essentially her child. And he is our child and a priority. We have to deal with them a lot to manage that situation.

In our case it is easier to invite people and get it over and done with, then not invite them and deal with the fallout. They have not done anything toxic, they just get on his nerves.

It is not a massive deal to not invite your parents to your wedding for HIM. It might be for you, but for him and lots of others of us (neither me or DP invited either of our parents to ours) He hasn't invited them, so why are you saying "in our case" - when he obviously hasn't made that decision about which is easier, if it was he might've invited them.

What's the reason for the friends of your parents to be there?

Can I borrow the snowmachine when you are done?

(I plan to position it outside DC school overnight)

OP-if he doesn´t want to give a speech-maybe he could

Well, I am sure you can enjoy the day without his family members there. You will have mutual friends there. The bil, well it sounds like it may be hard for him, as he will be going to rehab, and maybe in withdrawal, but let your dp decide that I guess. You could have a plan in place for somewhere for bil to go to during the party if it seems necessary perhaps? Speeches, well, if I had to give a speech, I would have maybe not gotten married, :) . Having someone give a speech for both of you sounds like a great compromise.
I hope you have a happy wedding day.

We got married abroad with 15 friends and family then went elsewhere for our honeymoon, leaving the guests behind to have a holiday. That was the compromise between us and our mothers who wanted to see the ceremony.

A small casual wedding doesn't have friends of your parents. That's a big wedding and usually a wedding your parents are paying for as why would an adult invite another adult's friends?
Neither of my weddings had parents' friends. If my parents want to invite their friends to something they can. My second wedding just had close family, no bridesmaids, no ushers and best man, no formal speeches.
It sounds as though your husband wanted a quiet exchange of vows whilst you want the other extreme of guests you haven't seen for ages and lots of speeches.
Why couldn't you have respected his wishes a bit and just had close family and close friends (of you not other people) and 1 or 2 speeches but not fussed about best man etc? You do seem to be treating him like your child not an equal.

Thanks musical

I think inviting fewer people would make it more excruciating for him, not less, surely? There will be about 80 people, in his own home - that's the bit he likes best. If he doesn't want a best man (and he didn't want his brother, his brother just volunteered) then he won't have one. I can't make him do anything, he's the least malleable person I know.

Quint, I could let you have some frosted branches