I feel like our wedding is mine, not DP's

[delmonton]

We're getting married in a month. When we decided to do it, DP said he wanted to get married abroad, just us. I said I didn't want this because I thought it would be nothing without family and friends. So we booked the register office then back to ours for a party, very simple.

Then he said he wanted sushi (he eats everything but this is the only food he loves). Initially I agreed, but have now said no, because there will be lots of kids, friends of my parents and other people who might pick at it but won't eat enough to keep them going all afternoon and evening and I just can't have starving guests. Instead I've organised something that includes sushi but also other things and he's agreed muttering that I've overridden what he wants again.

He still hasn't told me who he wants to invite, so they haven't yet been invited- plus no hint of a best man. It's not a traditional wedding at all, but there will be a few speeches so it will look weird if he doesn't have anyone to speak for him. He is a bit anti-social (we are always together, with DS) - however, plenty of my friends have become our friends.

I know you're all going to say he doesn't really seems to want to get married, and in truth he doesn't, but he does want to do it because it's important to me and he doesn't really mind, just hates 'occasions' and dislikes his family (not toxic but a massive emotional drain on us).

Is this a common, that is just become's the woman's 'thing'?

Thanks diddl you're right - I suppose I am looking for permission to do just that.

But if my dad speaks, and then my friends speaks for me, will it not look a bit strange if no-one speaks for him? On a wedding thread on here someone said one of the worst weddings they went to the groom just thanked everyone for coming then sat down again. I can't see DP doing much more than that. It's not that I want to traumatise him for the sake of appearances, but I can't see what to do unless I don't let my dad do his speech which seems very mean - he's had it on ice for decades.

But he told you he didn't want to invite anyone and that's exactly what he's doing. You've made him go through a proper wedding which isn't what he wanted and he's gone along with it but I think it's a bit deluded to suddenly expect him to fall into line.

That's 1 friend (my closest friend) who was going to say a few words, not a whole chorus, btw. Actually, he is now a mutual friend, so perhaps I could ask him to speak for both of us as a couple.

I had a 100+ wedding with no best man and no speeches. It was great. If your DP is anxious about having to make a speech perhaps that would make him less inclined to invite guests. I think his desire to have no speeches (if that's what it is) trumps your dad's desire to make one.

You told him your wedding would mean nothing without family and friends there? Tbh if dh had said that to me before we got married I would be pretty pissed off with the whole thing too.

I haven't read the whole OP as you annoyed me at the saying no to him having sushi.

NEWSFLASH without him you have NO wedding so I would say YABU and princessey and it is very much his wedding too.

" On a wedding thread on here someone said one of the worst weddings they went to the groom just thanked everyone for coming then sat down again. I can't see DP doing much more than that. It's not that I want to traumatise him for the sake of appearances, but I can't see what to do unless I don't let my dad do his speech which seems very mean - he's had it on ice for decades."

This is your wedding - your families are how they are, your DP is who is he is.

If all he wants to say is thanks, then that's enough.

If your Dad has a speech he's dying to give, let him give it (but not too long).

It doesn't matter about symmetry, or what other people do. It just matters that you do it in a way that is true to the people are and the families you are a part of.

If he doesn't want to invite anyone, then that's OK. If he has no best man that's OK too (although are you sure he's not just awkward about asking?)

No/few speeches-sounds great to me!

My Dad not really a great speaker & more or less just said congratulations to the couple & thank you all for coming.

Isn´t a best man speech traditionally just to thank the bridesmaids anyway?
(could well be wrong about that)

I doubt that my husband said much either tbh as he is "a man of few words"

That´s who we are.

Everyone got a damn good meal out of it at least!

Thanks didl, you're right. I would hate to see him making a speech clearly uncomfortable. Perhaps I could speak instead, as a nod to symmetry.

justfabulous I can understand you not reading the whole thread but it even says in my op that we are having sushi!

DP said he wanted to get married abroad, just us. I said I didn't want this because I thought it would be nothing without family and friends.

Does this worry you?

Would it really be nothing if no one else was there ?

That jumped out at me , I would be concerned if marring someone and felt that way.

YANBU about your wedding.

However DH and I planned ours together and it was very much our day.

I don't want to sound pessimistic but I suspect that neither of you are going to get the wedding you want. He's compromised on venue and the food but equally, you are compromising on your expectations of the day yet still hoping to being elements that he's uncomfortable with into it. Somewhere along the line you need to reach agreement over the things that actually matter and plan accordingly.

This might well mean a wedding with no speeches but speeches aren't essential. It might well mean that he invites very few guests but if this suits him, you need to accept it. I suspect that you'd actually have a far better day if you got married quietly abroad - just the two of you - and held a party/reception when you got home.

PS. What I meant to conclude with was that it isn't your wedding or his wedding. It has to be for both of you.

You said no to his brother being best man? YABU. If he is going to the wedding anyway, then you just don't want him on top table/ in the photos.

A marriage done in front of a few randoms in a foreign country would mean very little to me.

Getting married was about formally going public with our intention to stay together and be a family.

The "public" I wanted to tell that to was my family and friends.

I wouldn't have been arsed eloping.

He clearly has a difficult family situation. You are making him address this by keep asking him about guests. He would probably love to invite his if they could be relied on and wouldn't embarrass you or him in front of your friends and family.

This is the reason I am not married too. I feel sorry for him. If we could marry on a desert island with just our kids we would.

OP he sounds exactly like my DH. Who wanted ok agreed to get married after 12 years of living together but he most certainly did not want a "wedding".
We both compromised, he agreed to get married and I agreed to not have a wedding. We booked the register office and a week before we invited parents only. We didn't have a reception but we flew off on holiday together the same day.
Sounds like all the compromise has been on your Dp's part?

I'm rather hoping that after the register office, we'll all get a bit pissed and end up enjoying ourselves. I haven't done anything too traditional or weddingy, just good food and nice people. His family situation is difficult, but we have to face it on almost a daily basis and it's usually me changing my life massively to accommodate them, and that has included adopting his teenage nephew, so it's not like I'm some kind of harridan making him do my bidding. We are taking his brother on our honeymoon to drop him off in rehab, for a start.

I just asked him again about inviting some people and he said he's forgotten and is going to get round to it .

I have compromised too - he wanted charity donations instead of gifts and I was happy to go along with that.

That was to scwirrels, I haven't railroaded him. Like your DP it was more that he agreed we needed to be married (particularly with me bringing up his nephew and merging our assets) but didn't want a wedding. If we could have had no wedding at all (signed a doc) I would have done that, but since we had to have a ceremony, I didn't want it to be insignificant.

I don't think that by saying it would be 'insignificant' without friends and family in any way undermines the strength of our relationship, which we have proven in many other ways many times over.

I can unders tand why he wanted to go abroad. Doesnt get on with families, r people ina general. Doesnt like formality and socialising. Then his wife to be saying no without my family there the wedding means nothing. Nice.

The compromise from the beginning would have been go abroad, go married. Come back and have a blessing with the people who you feel are important.

He hasnt invited anyone, arranged a best man etc because this is not what he wanted.

But there 's a difference between wedding means nothing and marriage means nothing isn't there? Neither of us have any issues with our forthcoming marriage - we're excited about it.

ihearsounds if I'd gone abroad and done it his way how on earth would that have been a compromise - it would have been me doing it in a way that does not appeal at all to please him. Nice (to quote you). I can imagine the AIBU! And I would probably still have had to organise it.

And then come back and appease everyone with a blessing with the people I feel are important. Oh right, a party then, exactly like I'm organising now!

"He hasnt invited anyone, arranged a best man etc because this is not what he wanted. "

Well that just makes him sound ridiculous!

He still doesn´t (imo) have to invite anyone or have a best man just because it´s now a registry office ceremony & a party rather than the two of them in a beach.

But should OP not have her family/friends there because he doesn´t want his?

I wouldn´t have wanted no family & friends so I can understand how OP feels.

Not sure a quiet wedding involves turning your house, with decorators, into a Winter Wonderland. That seems very disruptive and a big hassle which is a long way from a wedding abroad. I know you have compromised on food and are being patient and flexible about guests but that does sound like rather more of a big deal and perhaps he is not comfortable with that. I agree he doesn't need to speak or be spoken for. Why not get your Dad to do all the speeches / thanks combined into one so everyone feels welcomed, thanked etc and he can just toast the two of you?

My DH wasn't massively involved or interested to be honest but I made sure there were lots of touches that were DH's personality and preferences in there whether he wanted them or not. Serve sushi at the evening reception or something.