to be upset that friends don't take DS into consideration?

[DharmaBums]

first time posting on MN, but I needed to rant to someone! I have a group of 5 or so friends, all without children. They've arranged a girlie get together(which is nice, but only arranged by said friend as she's been on fantastic holiday and wants to brag, sorry, share, her stories ((Not bitter really!))).

The brunch is planned for a weekend at a rather posh and stuck up restaurant which is NOT child friendly! Last time they made me leave my buggy on the street as they didn't want it inside the premises (there was room inside).

My DH works on weekends (they know this) and I don't have anyone to leave DS with, so if I want to go I need to bring my DS. Sitting at a posh restaurant on a sunday afternoon for a couple of hours with my 2.5 yr old DS is not my idea of a fun time, and thats if he even sits still, doesn't have a tantrum and doesn't throw food for 10 mins! I wouldn't mind so much but this is the millionth time I've tried to explain what it's like to have a 2.5 year old!!

At the end of my rope with said group of friends, and ready to have a tantrum of my own. Advice needed from wise MN on dealing with it and still maintaining friendships whilst getting my point across to them!

Thanks nannyl you've given me the best laugh I've had in ages.

Thing is I could and did take ds1 anywhere and everywhere. It was posh lunches galore. With ds3, we couldn't even risk a quick coffee!

Definitely don't have any more

Speaking as some one who has kids I would be cheesed off if a few of my mates got together ( as we do on a regular basis ) and one turned up with a toddler, as harsh as that sounds!

I want to enjoy my friend's company sometimes without having broken conversation or having a toddler as a centre piece. More so if it was a splash the cash sort of afternoon.

Find a baby sitter if you can,maybe another mum who you cn repay the favour for.

Any way sometimes it does you the power of good to be kid free for a few hours and catch up on life and chats.

Everybody is different but I can't see what possible enjoyment or relaxation could come from trying to control a wild animal ie a toddler, in a restaurant setting of any kind.

I have a toddler. I don't take him to restaurants of any description, it would be hell. If I want to catch up with friends, I do it when dp can stay home and let me go child free.

As child free women, of course they don't know what's involved in looking after a toddler. But I am a mother, I know exactly what's involved, and I wouldn't do it. Nor would I inflict it on others, if they were child free or just had babysitting.

Girly lunch is what it says on the tin. Don't take junior. It changes the whole thing.

Also, are you happy for your friends to talk frankly about their sex lives when your kid is earwigging? Why should five adults have to stick to child friendly chat? That would hack me right off too. I'd smile and make a fuss of the toddler, of course. Then ring up the others afterwards to moan about it :)

Nannyl.

A friend of mine used to take her baby out to restaurants all the time (she also likes "fine dining". He was fantastic, would sit lovely and eat anything. Until . . . one day he just changed, throwing food everywhere and shouting! While his mum was picking up the food and apologizing to the other diners (and planning her exit) he pulled himself up in the highchair and pissed all over the tray!

Op. I think what soworn out put in her post was spot on and not harsh at all.

I have made a point of not really mentioning my kids to friends and others unless they specifically ask or the conversation was relevant because generally speaking I am aware of how boring other people's children are, especially if you haven't got any. Even more so if you fancy a great afternoon pushing the boat out and having fun and wine!

I don't quite see what the problem is, you've had an invite and you either make arrangements to attend or not.

If you think the restaurant is suitable for your child, he's invited and you're happy to take him, then take him. If not, find a babysitter or don't go.

Personally, I'd not be impressed if there was a toddler running around a post restaurant. DD is okay in the likes of Pizza Express, with lots to do and a quick succession of food but both DH and I need to engage her in a lot of conversation and it's not the same, or as relaxed as when DH & I go out on our own without her. I'd find a babysitter and have a lovely girly (adult) brunch.

posh not post. You can see I don't get out much :)

I do feel your pain. We went to a really beautiful amazing wedding when dd1 was 4 and dd2 24m. Only one other couple had children. We were stuck on a boat in hot sun for over two hours, unable to let the girls run about because of the danger of them falling in, and with no suitable food for a toddler, all very adult canapes etc. I nearly cried I was so tired out from the late night before trying to settle them in a strange place, and the stress of it all. If we'd been single it would have been bliss. It is hard when you have a toddler and everyone else is childless. Even when you have babies and all your other friends have teens (am older mother), as they do forget. One friend expected me to leave my 9m old fully bf baby overnight to go to hers for an event. That's why so many mothers of v. young children hang out together, its so much less stressful. I don't really have friends my age locally with young ones, as here I am Granny age, so i'm either with women 10-15 years younger, which can he hard, or with women who don't have to deal with the constraints of small children. I say no to a lot of invitations! Its getting easier now my little one is 5. Your friends will start having babies too and be a lot more sympathetic. But maybe you need to do a rota for choosing a venue, so that every fifth time or whatever, you can choose, and go to pizza express or somewhere that suits small children. Or one of them could babysit for you now and again? I think you sound very cross and resentful and should tell them how you feel tbh.

YABVU. It's one occasion. If you want the activity to suit you and your DS, you should take the initiative to organise the next get-together: invite them all over to your place for lunch or arrange a picnic in the park. Even if your friends don't mind you bringing DS to the naice restaurant, other diners will, and it doesn't sound like you'll be abe to enjoy yourself much either.

Mayisout, as a single, childfree woman, I can assure you one thing I never think when spending time with my many married friends and their children is "waah, if only I could have this life". I like children, but after a few hours of noise, mess, poo, having my face sneezed/coughed on, interrupted conversations, and small people trying to follow me into the loo, I am DESPERATE to return to civilisation. You are the epitome of Smug Married - it's a shame that you wasted your single years pining and whining for 2.4 children and a new build town house in Surrey , but please don't feel sorry for those of us who have the imagination and courage to enjoy our independence and make the most of it.

hollaatmebabyif you're not interested in kids then why are you on mumsnet at this time instead of enjoying your fabulous single,child free life? hmmm

Where did I say I'm not interested in kids? I actually gave you some good advice from the perspective of a childfree person with sprogged-up friends (several of whom have chosem me as godmother) and you're responding with sarcasm... no wonder your friends don't feel like going out of their way for you. Did you mean to be so rude? May I suggest you FOTTFSOFAWYGTFOSM?

There have been many threads on why childfree people post on mumsnet you'd know that if you'd bothered to look around before starting your whiny thread but I doubt you'll be back so never mind :)

Ahem. OP is new, so FOTTFSOFAWYGTFOSM needs translating.

Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there fuck off some more.

Dharma - unfortunately, in many of your responses, you haven't come across terribly well. It doesn't come across as if you actually want to go anyway, even if you were able to get a babysitter. I'm afraid what others have said is true "majority rules" and "not everyone is interested in your children". They are friends with YOU. You happen now to have a child. That's your choice. Your friends may be happy for you but they don't have to spend time with your child, coo over it, talk incessantly about it, spend a rare lunch out together being constantly interrupted by a child etc etc. Yes, they may show a little interest because you are their friend, but your life has changed, not theirs.

While things aren't like they were in the 1950s - thankfully - in that children are "seen and not heard", sometimes the balance does swing too far the other way and things can become too kid-centric. You are still Dharma. Mummy is only ONE part of you. Biggest part quite possibly. It's been said before and it'll be said again, but while YOUR child/children may be the centre of your universe, they aren't the centre of other people's.

Oh, and there have been no personal attacks, perhaps some have been a little forthright but I would have assumed that althoug this may be your first posting you have lurked for a while and seen the lie of the land and how AIBU works.

Oh, and I too don't have kids, because I can't have them. But I am a godfather, and have friends with kids, so I find this site useful. Want to have a go at me for being here??

Oops - first line second para should be "in that children AREN'T 'seen and not heard'"

Holla was just telling you how she felt BEFORE she had kids! Like myself and many others she wanted facetime with her mates, not their offspring ...

YAB increasingly U.

Shit, just re-read Holla's post and she doesn't AAARGH!

Sorry. Ignore me.

Still being a bit PFB, though.

Dharma
Thanks swek! As a first time poster I am slightly surprised at the number of outright personal attacks comments you get on MN...example Catwoman's quote "get over yourself" . WTF?

I can take criticism/opinions as much as the next MN but am starting to feel as if the rumours about the bitchiness on MN are true. Sorry to all the supportive, objective MN - don't want to lump you in with the "bad lot"

There has been no bitchiness on your thread at all, you've had honest responses from people responding to your question of AIBU!

You are being very touchy

Oh good it's one of those AIBU where everyone tells the OP she is indeed BU but she gets increasingly cross about it and ultimately refuses to accept it.

You don't sound very nice OP - lots of good advice on here, and several thoughtful posts from people who don't have children, should you choose to listen.

Dharma, they really aren't interested in your child.

It isn't like a "new job" new jobs can be interesting to discuss, but little children aren't, "Oh he can walk now, or say "supercalifragi..." It doesn't compare.

When I had my first dc, none of my friends had kids and they all told me in later years how unspeakably dull it was...then they had kids and were sorry.

That's how it goes.

Be grateful if even your own family are interested...

My oldest child is 10 (11 soon), and my youngest is 7.
I was the first in my group of friends to have children.

Most my friends were uninterested in my child, and also uninterested in arranging times to meet which were child friendly. I remember one spectacular lunch in London where I brought my oldest, 18 months old at the time, and rather than a girly lunch it turned into nappy changes and feeding mayhem. It was the last time I saw them. I really should not have subjected them to this. Trying to combine lunch/dinner with friends, with a small child in tow is a recipe for disaster, and I really admire your friends for putting up with you and your "running around like a mad fool " child thus far!

If I had realized sooner that my friends wanted to see me and much as I adored my child, they were not keen to see my child, and hear about sleepless nights and milestones. Little as I was interested in hearing about endless nights out. I could not give my friends my attention and listen to them, and talk to them, when my focus was on a little sleeping, feeding, yelling, grizzling, impatient, cooing, running, flailing bundle of joy, which incidentally hogged the entire event.

You need to find childcare. Or new friends. Mummy friends with interest in your childs nappys contents. Or focus your mind to talking about what your friends are interested in too.

Incidentally, I kept ONE of my child free friends. She was happy to come to my house, spend days with me and my oldest, have evenings in at my house, etc. She never tired of listening to poo and goo.

She has just had her first. And now that I am far away from the baby stage, and thinking about KS2 for my youngest, SATS and getting my oldest into a good secondary school, my old good friend bore me senseless. I am now repaying her kindness and understanding, travelling to the far side of beyond to spend days with her and her child. Nodding sagely and sympathetically to her woes, sleepless nights, pures, milk, nap times, etc. I can forget about cinema trips, and dining out with her. For now. I cant wait until her child starts school! Maybe one day we will be on the same planet. Or I might have to procreate some more!

hollaatmebabyif you're not interested in kids then why are you on mumsnet at this time instead of enjoying your fabulous single,child free life? hmmm

If you can't see anything on MN that someone without children would be interested in talking about then you must be reading very different threads to me.

Either that or you are just very unimaginative and unable to see things from other people's point of view, or understand that other people might be interested in different things to you.

hollaatmebabyif you're not interested in kids then why are you on mumsnet at this time instead of enjoying your fabulous single,child free life? hmmm

see you are being rude and thinking the world revolves around children many childless people use mumsnet for chat or whatever there is no disclaimer that this is a special club forums are for all, there is hundreds of topics childless people and parents can chat about , I have grown up children I hardly ever talk about them on here

So you think that childless people would find nothing of interest on MN...

Yet you think that your friends should arrange their social lives so as to include your toddler?

I'm confused.