to be upset that friends don't take DS into consideration?

[DharmaBums]

first time posting on MN, but I needed to rant to someone! I have a group of 5 or so friends, all without children. They've arranged a girlie get together(which is nice, but only arranged by said friend as she's been on fantastic holiday and wants to brag, sorry, share, her stories ((Not bitter really!))).

The brunch is planned for a weekend at a rather posh and stuck up restaurant which is NOT child friendly! Last time they made me leave my buggy on the street as they didn't want it inside the premises (there was room inside).

My DH works on weekends (they know this) and I don't have anyone to leave DS with, so if I want to go I need to bring my DS. Sitting at a posh restaurant on a sunday afternoon for a couple of hours with my 2.5 yr old DS is not my idea of a fun time, and thats if he even sits still, doesn't have a tantrum and doesn't throw food for 10 mins! I wouldn't mind so much but this is the millionth time I've tried to explain what it's like to have a 2.5 year old!!

At the end of my rope with said group of friends, and ready to have a tantrum of my own. Advice needed from wise MN on dealing with it and still maintaining friendships whilst getting my point across to them!

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Is there another restaurant that would be better for you that you could suggest?

I can remember not understanding how difficult certain situations are for those with kids. Now Im the one constantly explaining it to people, including relatives who want to have Christmas dinner in restaurants every year. How hard would that be with little children who just want to be playing with their new toys and who can not sit still . . . ever!

I even have to explain it to my in laws who think there should be no problem taking my children to my counselling appointments(!), or looking after them at the same time as moving home, knocking down a wall, or when i need to take my husband to hospital in an emergency and he needs a lot of help around the car park and hospital. They thought i was being a bitch to ask them to help in an emergency with their own son. They have had children but i suppose have forgot that practically carrying a full grown very sick screaming in distress man makes it hard to hold on to two small children (with a tenancy to run off) in the car park.

Anyway Im ranting. I know how hard it can be to get a babysitter, as you can probably tell i don't have family that are willing to help. Too often on here people say Oh just get a babysitter! It costs a fortune and its bloody hard to find someone that you can instantly trust with your children!

Its nice that your friends did think on you, they just don't really get it.

[nannyl]

Ok my baby is only 16months (but i know what toddlers are like, ive nannied for 10 years too)

but she has been (including as recently as last week) to 3 very posh 100% un-child friendly as you can get restaurants.... including 1 Michelin star restaurant. 2 of these dont even have any high chairs (which i think shows they dont want toddlers either)

I have to say it has honestly always been fine. (though i agree not as relaxing as pre children)

(she has never in her life eaten jars or processed foods and eats what we eat, which can include lots of unusual things that im guessing at least 80% of people wouldnt feed a 1 year old)

She eats off the main menu, (no childrens menu at those places anyway, but I always choose her proper food (not sausages / nuggets etc) even if they do have a kids menu) i have taken my own travel highchair to these places and make sure there is a change mat in my change bag as i know there wont be any baby changing unit in the building, but its fine

My grandparents and mum / step dad like fine dining and i dont intend to not attend meals im invited too because I have a baby / toddler

She has enjoyed herself, added more unusual "adventurous" foods to the long list of things she eats, and i dont think her presence has hindered the enjoyment of anyone else dining at the same time either
I am always VERY conscious that the last thing otherpeople eating at these places want is noisey / "badly behaved" children disturbing their meal (that they are paying £££ for)... or else they'd be at brewers fayre / harvester etc!

[Hullygully]

They won't understand until they have children themselves

To them, you chose to have a child and you have to adapt, not them.

Maybe skip that meal but invite them to your house one evening.

[grovel]

I don't think YABU but I don't think your friends are either. The truth is that if 5 out of 6 people want a relaxing get-together in a good restaurant then the 6th just has to decline or make complicated arrangements. It goes with the turf of motherhood.

[grovel]

Parenthood.

[Kalisi]

Yabu I'm afraid. Your lifestyle has changed through becoming a Mother but it is unreasonable to expect everyone else to 'think like a parent'. Chances are, your childs babysitting needs have not crossed their minds.
It's no different to getting a weekend job and then moaning because your friends all go out on a Saturday. You are the minority, you will have to sacrifice a few gatherings.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Nannyl. Don't be too smug now will you

The only other person I've known as smug as that had their mouth firmly closed on the subject once their second child arrived, and it turned out that it was the nature of their first child that made it so easy, not her superior parenting as she seriously thought.

[jammietart]

I've had similar things happen with friends as I had DS 2 or 3 years before the rest of my girlfriends started their families. It's a bummer but either get a sitter or ask your DH to take the day off work. Things change when you have children and trying to maintain the status quo will only stress and upset you. And at the end of the day you have a DS, which is better than brunch (most of the time!).

[Georgia1982]

I can understand that you feel left out, but you have to see it from your friends' perspective. They don't have kids and want to go to this fancy restaurant, so why should they all miss out just because you have a child?

Also they probably don't want your child there (sorry), as it's really annoying when you are trying to have adult conversation and there is a small child being annoying.

If this is a one off, then don't take it personally, just either get a babysitter or don't go.

However if this always happens that does seem inconsiderate and I would have a chat with your friends and suggest that sometimes you meet in more child-friendly places, or at your house. If they are your true friends they will be happy to accommodate you sometimes (but there will still be times when they still want to go to the fancy places....)

[Permisson]

Nannyl a 16 month old is rather different to a 2.5 year old. And yes, I'd guess you are lucky with your daughter's behaviour rather than it being down to your unbelievably smug parenting.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I could have taken ds2 anywhere - he was the easiest baby/toddler in the world. The other two - umm not so much

I think your friends want to chat and catch up and that's not going to work with your toddler there. Is there no chance they could switch to an evening when its a lot easier to get babysitters?

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Nanny -my DS was a brilliant eater till he was about 18months....ate everything I cooked him, I didn't use jars, did everything from fresh and I probably felt as smug as you sound.

My DS is now the fussiest kid I know... Karma sure bit me on the arse for that one!

[DharmaBums]

nannyl wow!bully for you! My DS would be running around the restaurant like a mad fool, but I actually like the fact that he doesn't just sit around placidly. You are lucky your DC does.

And I'm not suggesting we always go to child-friendly restaurants and eat chicken nuggets you know!

[thebody]

Nannyl stick at one. It's a bloody doddle as you said. More kids not so much.

[CloudsAndTrees]

You are being ridiculously unreasonable. You are asking for them to make a concession because you have a child. They have done that by asking when nap time is.

But that's not good enough for you and you want more. You want them all to go somewhere where they would prefer not to go, and that's too much to expect I'm afraid.

Perhaps you should arrange the next get together, and if it has to be at the weekend, get your DH to book a day off work or find a babysitter.

[deleted203]

I think you have to accept that your friends are looking forward to a child free, girly lunch in a posh restaurant with wine, laughter and adult conversation. They have asked if you want to join them, but it is clearly not going to be the place to go with a 2.5 yo who will be 'running around the restaurant like a mad fool' as you say. I think YABU to expect them to take DS into account. They don't WANT him there. They want a child free time (with you, if you can make it). Not unreasonable of them, as they don't have kids. I think your decision needs to be can you/do you want to spend time with them as one of the girls or not. Not just on this, but probably most other occasions. Because there isn't really a reason why child free women would want to spend time with toddlers generally. If you are not a mum (and often if you are) toddlers are pretty boring to be with.

[SwitchedtoEatingCheese]

Agreeing with thebody. I used to take my pfb to lots of nice restaurants and he too would eat anything on offer, sit quietly while I congratulated myself on my parenting skills.

Now I have 4 kids and I can even the staff in MacDonalds sigh as we walk in.

[SamSmalaidh]

To be honest if your DS would run around then even a child-friendly restaurant isn't going to be suitable.

Get a babysitter/don't go in this instance, and in future either arrange something for when your DH is at home, invite people to yours or wait for the summer when you can do beach/park picnics.

[DharmaBums]

sowornout A bit harsh! Got any kids?! Whilst I think my DS is pretty amazing (most of the time) I don't think toddlers are boring! And the reason they should want to spend time with him is because of me, surely maybe being naive but I thought that what friendship was about?

I don't force them to spend ANY time with my DS nor do I shoehorn him into social occasions- in fact 2 of them haven't seen him for over a year as I have purposely arranged social occasions without him or during nap times, exactly as other mn suggest

[nailak]

Yanbu, if I was organising a get together for five of my friends I would try and accommodate everyone, if that meant I had to change the location from my rave restaurant to pizza express then I would. Having everyone there is more important.

[deleted203]

Dharma I've got 5 kids! It wasn't meant to be harsh - just realistic. Honestly, I don't think women who haven't got kids really find toddlers very interesting. And although I thought my own kids were amazing when they were little, (and still do) I didn't expect anyone else to particularly want to spend time with them or to find them as fascinating as I did. Now mine are aged 7 to 20s I have to say that I would find a lunch where 5 of us had no kids with us and one of us had a toddler very wearing. I DO think it's a bit naive to think that because your friends love you they will necessarily love spending time with you that involves someone shouting 'Mummy! Look' or interrupting conversations every few minutes.

[LIZS]

But they are taking your ds into account , asking you re timings etc, or at least think they are. However by going along with the arrangements you seem to be trying to pretend that it isn't an issue and really need to be honest with them as to what his needs and behaviour are. Your priorities have changed but they probably won't get the impact of that other than to find you a bit flaky. Does you dh not get any leave so you could propose an alternative date he can cover ? If ds goes to preschool/nursery would one of the staff babysit him for you for a few hours. Really it depends how badly you want to maintain these friendships but I think you need to remove ds from this scenario to do so.

[DharmaBums]

Sowornout 5! I'm in awe - can barely manage 1!
But then isn't it like saying they are not interested in me, if they're not interested in spending any time with DC? It's like saying - yeah we know you've got a huge part of your life that takes up a big part (not all!) of who you are now, but we're not the slightest bit interested, other than a passing, "how is he?"??? It's like me not being remotely interested in friends new job which takes up all of their time,for example. correct me IBU obviously!

[MooncupGoddess]

I expect they do want to see him - but not to have their whole lunch dictated by him. Can't you suggest an alternative social event (round to yours for dinner? child-friendly museum?) to invite them to?